


Trials and Tribulations, or WHY MIDDLE SCHOOL AND JUNIOR HIGH ARE THE WORST FUCKING YEARS OF YOUR LIFE

by KonekoRyuugamine



Series: Trials and Tribulations, or WHY MIDDLE AND HIGH SCHOOL ARE THE WORST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Junior High, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Bipolar Sollux Captor, Black Romance, Chucklevoodoos, Dark Comedy, Dave Being Cool, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gamzee Being Smart, Good Moirail Gamzee Makara, Insanity, John being a dork, Light Novel Introductions, M/M, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Quadrant Confusion, Red Romance, Romance, Shenanigans, Tavros Being Cute, Who said growing up was easy?, alternate universe - homestuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-04 12:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 75,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5334155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KonekoRyuugamine/pseuds/KonekoRyuugamine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas had one goal in mind: get through middle and junior high school without fucking everything up in sight.<br/>That notion fell flat the first day of class.<br/>He's now stuck with a juggalo asshole for a best friend, a coding nerd and a self-proclaimed cool kid as close friends, and a new friend in the form of a large-horned softie who still plays games for little girls.<br/>As if things couldn't get any worse, he finds himself starting a fight with a spider bitch, playing matchmaker between a bee and a goat, and feeling (not really) black (hope to fucking GOG not) for more than one of his supposed "best friends".<br/>And things are only going farther downhill.<br/>Whoever said these would be the best years of his life were either lying, high on Sopor, or were ribbing for a good culling.<br/>And yet, deep down, somewhere, he may start to enjoy it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. TG: dont bring up class in videogames

turntechGodhead [TG]  has entered the memo.  
TG: okay lets do this  
twinArmageddons [TA] has entered the memo.  
TA: ok iim good, and gettiing a good vantage poiint. Ju2t follow the 2trategy, guy2.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has entered the memo.  
CG: HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES! I HAVEN’T EVEN PICKED A WEAPON YET!  
TG: for real whats the hold up   
CG: I’M TRYING TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO WEAPONS HERE. ANY SUGGESTIONS AS TO WHICH ONE WILL DO MORE DAMAGE WHILST MAKING ME SEEM MORE LIKE A BADASS LEADER? THEN AGAIN, MAYBE I SHOULD GO FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS DRAGON'S BLOOD SICKLE. AT LEAST THAT HAS A GOOD RANGE WHERE I WON'T EASILY FUCK MYSELF UP. SUGGESTIONS? ANYONE?  
TG: whatever floats your boat man  
TG: im just choosin this badass sword   
CG: GOOD FOR YOU.   
TA: no time for 2arca2m, kk.   
TA: and 2eriiou2ly? ii told you 2 go wiith the kniife but you 2aid no.  
CG: SURE, PUT A LITERAL BULLSEYE ON THE ONE PLAYER WHO CHOOSES SHORT RANGE ATTACKS OVER LONG RANGE. WHY NOT JUST SEND DAVE INTO THE BATTLE HEAD ON TOO, AND STRAP A BOMB TO HIS CHEST WHILE WE’RE AT IT? BETTER YET, LET *YOURSELF* CHARGE *RIGHT* IN AND BLOW THE ENTIRE FUCKING BASE TO KINGDOM COME?!  
TG: are we seriously doing this shit now  
TA: temptiing offer but iill have 2 pa22. Bee2ide2 youre the only one here who can even off them2elve2 iin tho2e kiind2 of 2iituatiion2.  
CG: GO GET BENT OVER THAT RIFLE OF YOURS!  
TA: ii already am. got a better comeback?  
TG: oh snap  
CG: YEAH, I DO. TAKE OFF THE FUCKING GLASSES SO YOU CAN GET A CLEAR FUCKING SHOT THIS TIME. OTHERWISE I’LL STAB YOU IN THE BACK AGAIN!  
TA: ii thought that wa2 egbert! you 2hiit!  
TG: okay before we go any further let me pull the brakes here and stop you guys from engaging in a full scale dick fight  
TG: itll look worse from karkat’s perspective since hes going up against someone with a literal handicap  
TG: and ill need time to sell tickets before things escalate to fullscale blows and slaps  
TA: the 2hiit?  
CG: YOU GET USED TO IT REALLY FUCKING QUICK.  
CG: ALRIGHT DAVE, YOU HAVE MY FULL AND UNDIVIDED FUCKING ATTENTION. FOR ONCE.  
TG: lets focus on winning the match guys  
TA: aren’t we forgettiing 2omeone?  
terminallyCapricious [TC] has entered the memo.  
TC: hOw DoEs A mOtHeRfUcKeR gO aBoUt PiCkIn A wEaPoN?  
CG: SPEAK OF THE ASSHOLE AND HE SHALL APPEAR!  
TA: ni2e tiimiing gz.  
TA: and iit2 the f key.  
TC: oH mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg FiNgEr WaS uP aNd PrEsSiNg ThE g KeY  
TC: dIbS oN tHe ClUbS!  
TA: good for you. ju2t aiim at the enemiie2 thii2 tiime, gz.   
TC: nO wOrRiEs My MUsTaRd BlOoDeD bRoThEr. My AiM hAs BeCoMe FaR mOrE mOtHeRfUcKiNg RiChEoUs AfTeR oUr PrEvIoUs PrAcTiCe SeSsIoN. :0)   
TG: hells yeah lets show these assholes who rules this domain!   
CG: THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU AUTOMATICALLY GO IN GUNS BLAZING YOU FUCKING GLORY HOG! AT LEAST LET ME GET IN A HIT ON THAT TANK UP FRONT!  
TA: kk, what the fuck?! you're 2uppo2ed two bee at the ba2e! 2tay at the ba2e, dude!   
CG: I CAN MICROMANAGE, YOU KNOW!   
TA: doubt iit.   
TC: aLsO kArBrO, i Up AnD sEnT yAh ThAt MeSsAgE aLrEaDy. TeLl Me WhAt YaH tHiNk, AiGhT?   
CG: THANKS, GAMZEE. I'LL LOOK AT IT WHEN I GIVE A FUCK.   
TG: oh my fucking god were already being ambushed in the lower part of the land  
TG: karkat give me a radius from the top of the base that doesnt involve some horrible movie pun  
CG: SHIT!  
TG: what  
CG: SHIT SHIT SHIT!  
TA: what2 goiing down kk?  
CG: I AM YOU FUCK! SOMEONE JUST BURNED ME WITH A FUCKING FIRE SPELL!  
TC: sOrRy :0(  
CG: WILL SOMEONE KINDLY EXPLAIN THE RULES OF THIS GAME FOR THE ELEVENTH TIME TO GAMZEE BEFORE I SLASH MY OWN BRAINS OUT WITH THIS SICKLE?!  
TG: even i know you cant do that dude but it would be worth the try  
CG: AND GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BASE, GAMZEE!   
TC: RiGhT!   
TG: and i would help the clown out but theres a line of people who all want a piece of the strider ass.   
TG: my swagger knows no bounds in life or in game yknow  
TG: it’s a curse i tell you  
TA: from where iim 2tandiing iit2 more liike you blew up theiir frontman and they want revenge kiill2.  
TG: hey the guy had it coming  
TC: MoThErFuCkErS aLl Up In My FaCe!! EaT mAh MaGiCaL cLuB sAnDwIcHeS, yAh MoThErFuCkErS! tAsTe DeFeAt!   
TA: ii 2tiill 2ay you are alway2 hiigh a2 fuck, dude.   
TC: JuSt On LiFe SoLbRo! :0)   
TG: aint we all man   
TG: damn it these guys are relentless tonight   
TA: no 2hiit, 2herlock!   
TA: oh holy 2hiit, ii almo2t got 2potted...   
TG: ok im readin the stats youre in the clear for now dude   
TA: thank gog . . .   
TA: how're you holdiing up in the ba2e, kk?   
TA: wait hold up.   
twinArmaggedons [TA]  has left the memo.   
CG: WHAT?!   
TG: and the mage has bit the dirt  
TG: or somethin i dont know  
CG: OF ALL THE WORST POSSIBLE FUCKING TIMES!! THAT TWO SIDED ASSHOLE!!  
twinArmaggedons [TA] has entered the memo.   
TA: ii prefer two-fa2ed. and glad two 2ee you have 2ome faiith iin me.   
TG: what warranted the disappearance   
TA: ju2t had two get riid of 2ome unwanted company...  
TA: two bee faiir he'2 not goiing away eiither... 2hiit.  
CG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER! I COULD USE SOME FUCKING ASSISTANCE HERE! SEE?! I’M ASKING POLITELY, AND SENDING A FUCKING FIREBALL-FLARE THIS TIME!  
TG: while i am flattered you remembered the flare this time you do know that just compromised us even more right  
CG: I NEED TO BE HEALED, ALRIGHT?! I AM CURRENTLY WITHOUT MATERIALS AND AM ABOUT TO HAVE MY ASS SERVED TO ME ON A FUCKING PLATTER! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO BUT SEND A FUCKING FLARE?!  
TA: diie wiith diigniity?  
TA: ah damn iit thii2 guy ii2 kiilliing u2! 2triider, head2 up!  
TG: shit I just took damage!  
CG: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!  
TA: thiink you can hold back the fiit2 kk? we’re 2tuck here!  
CG: AS AM I! WE’RE BEING FUCKING RAIDED!  
TA: 2hiit!  
TA: wait, for real?! damn it all...yo clown stop shredding the masses and help out karkat before hes given the french revolution treatment   
TC: AiGhT, i Am CoMiN’ tO tHe BaSe KaRbRo! HaNg TiGhT!  
CG: I FEEL SO FUCKING RELIEVED. MY FUCKING KNIGHT IN PURPLE TEXT IS COMING TO SAVE ME. I’D BETTER GO AHEAD AND ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET OF BLOOD AND SEND HIM TO CLOUD FUCKING NINE!  
TC: :0)  
TG: karkat im all for banter but right now is not the best time  
twinArmaggedons [TA]  is now idle.   
TG: does this guy run the game in linux or does he just do this to fuck with us   
TG: cause thats usually my job   
TC: nOw DoN't Be FuCkInG wItH mY sHtIcK, dAvEbRo. ThAt'S mY lInE.  
CG: DO NOT JOKE, GAMZEE. AND SERIOUSLY, HUSTLE OVER HERE! I'M AT QUARTER HEALTH AND LOW STAMINA!   
TG: dude watches way too many horror flicks   
TA: ii ju2t got a me22age from the oppo2iite team. they are full on mockiing u2.  
TA: and gue22 who2 leadiing the charge?  
TG: ill take vriska the spider bitch for 200, alex.  
TA: biingo.  
TG: show me the money baby   
TC: I gOt It!  
TG: and so did one of the opponents  
TG: guess he doesn't like going clubbing  
TC: ;0)   
TA: boo. II demand a rewriite.  
CG: AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS FUCKING TEAM WHO IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO DEFEND THE FUCKING FORT WE CALL OUR BASE?!   
CG: IN CASE YOU ASSHOLES HAVEN’T NOTICED, I’M CURRENTLY KNOCKING ON DEATH’S DOOR AND TRYING TO PREVENT TWO OVERSIZED HULKS OF VIDEOGAMING TRASH FROM TAKING THE FEW TREASURES AND WEAPONS WE ACTUALLY WON IN THIS FUCKING GAME!  
TA: kk thii2 ii2 not the  
TA: ah 2hiit . . .  
CG: WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED? YOU DIE FROM THAT OGRE UP FRONT?!  
TA: no . . . 2omeone thought iit would bee niice 2 iintroduce me 2 theiir kniife  
TC: HeH hOnK  
CG: DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING SAY IT GAMZEE MAKARA!  
TG: and there goes my health bar  
TG: see you guys at the respawn point  
TA: not even ten miinute2 iin2 the fuckiing match and we get kiilled!  
TG: any ideas fearless leader cause im all ears  
CG: YEAH, DEFEND THE FUCKING BASE ASSHOLES!  
TA: that wa2 the plan from the getgo a22hole  
TC: spEaKiN Of MoThErFuCkIn PlAnS, yOu PaY aNy MiNd To ThE pLaN fRoM bEfOrE, kArBrO?  
TG: plans? you planning on going awol soldier  
TA: kk wanna explaiin?  
CG: FUCK! NO I HAVE NOT, GAMZEE! WHEN THE FUCK IN THE PAST TEN MINUTES OR SO HAVE I HAD THE SENSE OR TIME TO LOOK AT SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH THE FUCKING WALL AGAIN?!  
TC: jUsT sAyIn, BrO. wE cAn AlL uP aNd ChIlL aFtEr ClAsSeS :0)  
CG: NO WAY IN ANY HELL!  
TG: classes? ah shit come on really, here and now?  
TA: and there goe2 the iimmer22iion . . .  
TG: karkat can this fucking wait we’re respawning  
CG: HELL FUCKING NO! I AM SAYING THIS HERE AND FUCKING NOW!  
TG: and here we go  
CG: I WOULD RATHER WATCH A RAPID SUCCESSION OF THOSE SHITTY HUMAN VAMPIRE MOVIES WITH THE WASHED OUT WEREBEASTS AND STUNNING LEADING LADY OF SHIT THAN SIT WITHIN FIVE FEET OF YOU IN ANY SORT OF CLASS.  
TG: im sure no one wants to see those movies again   
CG: IN FACT, I WOULD RATHER SIT THROUGH ONE OF EGBERT’S SHITTY FILMS ON REPEAT FOR FIVE FUCKING HOURS THAN SIT NEAR YOU IN ANY CLASSROOM THAT IS CURRENTLY PREOCCUPIED WITH SOME HALF-QUALIFIED ‘TEACHER’ DRONING ON ABOUT HUMAN BIOLOGY!  
TA: 2ome rant kk.  
TA: now take aiim and fiire your 2pells. iim being a22aulted here.  
CG: SHIT. SORRY.  
TC: iM fIrInG mY fLaMeS MoThErFuCkErS!  
TA: would iit be acceptable two kiill gz riight now?  
TG: damn damn damn  
CG: AH STOP COMPLAINING! AT LEAST YOU HAVE HALF A HEALTH BAR!  
TG: karkat is now the best possible time to go on a rant about class and shit  
CG: ACTUALLY YES!  
CG: WAIT, WAS THAT AN EXPLOSION?!  
TG: fuck!  
TC: wHaT hApPeNeD? i DiDnT sEe  
CG: WHO’S THE SHITHEAD?!  
TC: Ah ShIt Ah ThInK tHaT wAs A dRaGoN bOmB. tHiNk I cAn GeT a RePlAy?  
TA: how diid ii not 2ee that?! 2ee what happen2 when you do thii2 duriing game2 kk? you kiill u2 and our record2!  
CG: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS AUTOMATICALLY MY FAULT?!  
TA: you were the one who brought up cla22, a22hole.  
CG: BY THAT LOGIC GAMZEE SHOULD ALSO BE KNEE DEEP IN EVISERATED BODYPARTS AND SHIT, TOO! NOT JUST ME!  
TG: damn it karkat video games are meant to be escape mechanisms or vehicles to another reality where this shit means next to nothing when compared to zombie outbreaks and massive multiplayer shootouts in abandoned military bases  
TG: school is another thing and no one wants to talk about that shit here   
CG: HEY, IF I CAN’T GET THE FUCKING LUXURY OF ESCAPING REALITY WHENEVER I PLEASE, THEN YOU FUCKNUTS CAN’T EITHER! IT’S NOT MY FAULT MY ASSKISSER BROTHER WANTS ME TO FOCUS ON STUDYING DURING THE SUMMER OR THAT MY SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND BRINGS IT UP EVERY CHANCE HE FUCKING GETS!  
TG: focus on the issue at hand dude we can jam about bastard brothers later  
TG: you started talking about classes tomorrow and I am not fond of that shit  
TG: no one here is fond of that shit  
TA: unle22 2ome of u2 prefer to be wiith knowledge and want two learn how two properly apply it.   
TG: aight we get it youre the nerd of the group stay over there urkel we'll use you when we need you to turn into urquelle  
TA: priick.  
TC: wHeRe ArE yOu MoThErFuCkErS? iM sTaNdInG aT tHe ReNdEzVoUs PoInT bUt I cAnT sEe YoU  
TA: gz we got blown up by a piipe bomb. we had two re2pawn at the warehou2e.  
TC: Ah Ok  
TG: just let it go until after the match karkat  
CG: HOW THE FUCK CAN I LET THIS GO?! I CAN NAME AT LEAST A THOUSAND FUCKING HORRIBLE THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SHARE A CLASSROOM, NAY ANY PRACTICAL FUCKING SCRUBLESSON, WITH GAMZEE AGAIN! I FEEL THAT BEING NEAR HIM MAKES MY IQ DRO  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has been disconnected from the memo.  
TG: well  
TG: shit  
TA: well that wa2 fa2t. 2aved me 2ome ediitiing work.  
TC: hEy MoThErFuCkErS i ThInK i SeE yOu NoW!  
TA: gz take one more 2tep and we are compromii2ed agaiin!  
TG: dont tempt with fate clown  
TG: fate already took care of karkat and it can do the same fucking thing to you if you make us lose this round  
TG: speaking of which, sollux look to your immediate left  
TA: holy 2hiit am ii under attack?  
TG: no but this guy is  
TC: i ThInK iM sTuCk MoThErFuCkErS!  
TA: that2 becau2e you’re 2tuck in the-  
TA: 2hiit!!  
TA: how diid we take that much damage 2o fa2t?!  
TC: aH mOtHeRfUcK gUyS . . . mY cHaRaCtEr JuSt FeLl AsLeEp.  
TA: oh great weve been compromii2ed  
TA: 2hiit! what exploded?!  
TG: holy shit i think i need a replay for that . . .  
TA: who2 the a22hole?!  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has joined the memo.  
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!  
CG: FUCK EVERYTHING!  
TA: 2poke too 2oon!  
TG: karkat why are my team stats telling me you just took a fucking bullet to the head  
CG: FUCK MY COMPUTER, FUCK MY INTERNET CONNECTION, FUCK MY CPU RAM OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS, FUCK THIS GAME, FUCK MY CHARACTER STILL BEING IN PLAY AND FUCK ALL OF YOU FOR NOT LOGGING ME OUT!!  
TA: oh hey ii knew ii forgot 2omethiing.  
TG: then who the fuck just exploded your brains over half the field  
ectoBiologist [EB] has joined the memo.  
EB: yes I totally got you Karkat!!  
EB: score one for the Egbert!  
TG: fuck  
TA: oh come the fuck on!  
EB: hell yes!  
TC: oH hEy JoHnBrO  
TC: kNiFe To MeEt YoU oUt ThErE mOtHeRfUcKeR  
TC: :0)  
CG: GAMZEE SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ARE NOT HELPING!  
EB: nice one gamzee!  
TA: 2omeone giive me a lobotomy.  
TA: NOW.  
EB: vriskas advice payed off! oh man I cant believe I actually got one of you guys! Yes! Hell yes!  
CG: FUCK YOU EGBERT! FUCK THE NATURE OF THIS VERY FUCKING GAME! MAGIC AND GUNS - UTTER SHIT! IF I HAD A REAL RIFLE I’D RAM IT SO FAR INTO YOUR FACE BEFORE PULLING THE FUCKING TRIGGER!  
TG: ah god dammit hes not gonna shut up about this for a week  
EB: nor will i refuse to!   
TG: you know what fuck the next round ive got school tomorrow as much as i hate to admit it and rose has been naggin at me to get off for the past ten minutes im out of this bitch  
turntechGodhead [TG] has left the memo.  
CG: FUCK YOU EGBERT!  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left the memo.  
TA: vk helped you? Why am ii not 2urprii2ed . . .  
EB: hold on im doing my victory dance! Yes! i actually got you guys good this time!  
TA: and ii am gone.  
TA: 2ee you iin 2chool tomorrow john.  
twinArmageddons [TA] has left the memo.  
EB: okay see ya!  
EB: and thanks for the easy kill! Hahaha!  
ectoBiologist [EB] has left the memo.  
TC: wHaT?  
TC: aH wElL. sEe YaH lAtEr MoThErFuCkErS!  
terminallyCapricious [TC] has left the memo.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has entered the memo.  
CG: . . . SEE YOU GUYS TOMORROW, I GUESS.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left the memo.


	2. A9ain with such harsh lan9ua9e . . .

That match was a disaster.

_Humiliating._

_Despicable._

Think of a word and there it fucking was, painted in bright red letters across the screen. For all to see. 

It also didn't help Vriska was there after the match to gloat, like she did every time she won. Which was always. Damn her and her strategic ways, and fuck Egbert for switching sides with her over the summer! What he lacked in general intelligence, he _more_ than made up for in long range shooting for fuck's sake! He was the ONLY saving grace of the team back then. In more ways than one, to be brutally honest.

Gamzee had constant issues with the controls, Dave went off on his own fucking pace, and he and Sollux butted horns so much they look like fucking goats in the Himalayas competing for a matespritship.

Wait . . .

Karkat groaned as he felt the comfort of his sheets surround him further. There had to be a way to get around Egbert's 'laser-guided vision', and give Vriska a sound, and much needed, double barrel fuck off. Not that his character had to pull another heroic one-hit-KO to do so. Next time Sollux decides to send someone on a suicide mission, he'll volunteer Dave. Pay him back in kind for throwing him under the bus.

He felt the warmth of the pillows contort to his face with ease. Oh Gog it felt so good to feel something like this after a long and aggressive night with people who couldn't give two shits to save his life. The assholes. They had the firepower, and they sure as fuck had the durability. But no. Every fucking time. He became the meat-shield. And the opposing team's punching bag. And it always had to be retaliated with him saying something along the lines of them not helping to protect the base, that their stuff was gonna get jacked, that they could lend a fucking hand, and blah blah blah.

The base had to be protected. And he was the only one who would ever willingly volunteer to guard it. 

Besides, leaving someone else to guard it was always a mistake, mostly because Dave was too goddamn greedy with the gold to pay attention to the walls of the base, and Sollux was far more intent on keeping the XP and MP shares balanced between players. And Heaven help them if Gamzee was left to guard the fucking base again. Always with the fire. 

So he'd volunteer to guard. It wasn't so bad of a gig during campaigns. He would gain extra XP for defending the posts. It was something that had to be done. Alone. Nothing else to say on the fucking matter. 

But, it wasn't always like that. He knew that. Karkat sighed into the blanket as he let his fuzzy eyes scan the dark room. When John was still on the team, he would occasionally pester the nerd with private memos and small game cheat codes he had researched prior to the match to aid him in his sniping ability. Gog knows why. Twice it worked. Once he got near Vriska's neck. And the celebration was the fucking sickest they ever had. Other times he got so pissed off that he shot his mouth off again and banned John from the memos. The ensuing regret always turned into apology letters that were immediately sent to his inbox and Pesterchum account in triplicate. For good measure. 

Fuck.

He pulled the covers back up, fists balled and crunching the comforter's corners. Thinking of the derp-eyed snaggle-toothed fuckbeast was enough to make his blood gusher squeeze itself into a frenzy. He clenched his eyes tight, trying to forget the images of Egbert. John. Fucking. Egbert. Even his name was enough of an excuse to make him angry. The burning anger and hatred washed over him every time he did something stupid, and he felt his brain and mouth run on auto-pilot. The wave of anger descended in such a fashion that it almost felt like he was being washed into his own sea of hatred and bitterness. How he wanted to punch that smarmy look off of his stupid face, wanted to make him regret ever meeting him.

Then the wave ebbed. Black was replaced with some other vivid and bright light color. Ashen, maybe? He never knew what to call it. The anger was gone, and there he stood, bearing a heavy conscience and heart. For Egbert. For John. Fucking. Egbert. And like the most obvious of idiots, he was always eager to forgive and forget. Unlike most others who had witnessed the maelstrom of his fury. It was almost saintly, if not strange. 

He assured himself time and time again it wasn't red. No way in hell he was feeling red for the asshole.

"Fuck . . . "

The covers drew further over Karkat's head. He just wanted to sleep a bit longer. Come on, sleep, you magnificent bastard. Just come and lay your blanket. It's better that way.Screw today. Screw tomorrow. Screw being awake. He just wanted to sleep. 

_Knock, knock._

"Karkat?"

Fuck.

"Dear brother, while I do respect your privacy, and understand your privileges when it comes to sleeping in after long and burdensome nights, I must, unfortunately, disturb you from your slumber."

Kankri. Fucking. Vantas.

Karkat heard the door squeak open, followed by the sequential and orderly steps of his older brother. And there was that wave of hatred again. If there was someone who actually fucking deserved the hatred in his blood and body, it was his 'perfect' older brother. Mister Squeaky Clean School Record. Mister Never-Shuts-Up. Mister 'It was made for me by a friend so I'll wear it as a sign of irony' red Mr. Rogers' Sweater. Did he even know how much of a tool he was being all the time? Or was he aware, and this was what Rose called a sort of 'ironic persona'? Either way, that wave of hatred was there, and it was turning into a fucking ocean of torture and suffering quick. 

"Goodness, your room is filthy. Honestly, brother, you should consider cleaning your room today."

It was already clean. Prick. He just forgot to toss those socks in the laundry hamper. Or put those novels away. 

And he was going to do that, damn it!

"Karkat?"

He felt the claws of his brother on the blanket. He growled before uttering a solemn, "Fuck you . . . "

"And you still insist on using such vulgar trigger words," Kankri sighed. He could imagine the prick pinching the bridge of his nose. "I highly recommend you awaken at once, brother. Today is the first day of classes, and I for one will not let my only brother tarnish his reputation in junior high school." He started to tug again, but was met with more swears and claw swipes. "Karkat, I highly insist - "

"That you go _fuck_ yourself? Be my guest!"

The comforter retracted further over the lump of bed-head on the pillows. The pillows were love and life at this point. Fuck everything else there. He just wanted to sleep and let it sink in. And there was no fucking way he was bowing down to his brother this early in the morning. He could hear Kankri's own growls of displeasure, or what he'd called, "vocalization of dislike of a given situation". Music to his ears. 

"Again with such harsh language . . . " Kankri grumbled something else beneath his breath. "Karkat, I highly insist upon awakening. Or at least arising from your bed this instant. You are only delaying the inevitable." There was a pause. "And for future references, assessment of video game statuses on your computer with your fellow compatriots for half the night is not an excuse for sleeping in."

Shit.

So he did heard him swearing at his laptop.

"Fuck off."

"No."

"Karkat - "

"Hell no."

"Brother - "

"Don't make me say it."

"Do not act in such a manner!" He felt his brother's hands on the comforter, firmly grasping and threatening to tug at any instant. Well, this escalated quickly compared to other mornings. "Now, please respect my authority, and get up!"

And so ensued another morning tug of war between the brothers Vantas. The two were near ripping the comforter this time, exchanging more insults and quickly diverted lines of dialogue. The constant back and forth was enough to fill one ocean of rage for Karkat to bathe in. The added slurring and occasional shoving? Worthy of two and a fucking half oceans. Maybe the entire Dead Sea if that were possible.

Rage first thing in the morning was something he had grown accustomed to living in this household. Not just because of Kankri's incessant "early morning wake-up calls". Sure he wasn't a morning person, but there was no fucking excuse he had to be awoken in such a manner. Stealing the blanket from him and 'waking him up' - fuck Kankri. Fuck the morning. Fuck this whole fucking mess.

Karkat kept his stance in the anger, at least until he was sitting up in his bed with the worst case of bedhead known to man and troll kind. Kankri smirked at his supposed victory. Karkat felt his familiar grimace and snark encroaching as he finally freed his blanket from his brother's claws. Kankri crossed his arms and deepened his smirk. Yep. This was the part where he said he won on the inside and gloated like the little prick he was, then say - 

"Aha! Well then, I will see you downstairs within the half-hour, brother." 

" . . . is it possible for you to shut the fuck up for five seconds without being so predictable?"

"Predictable?" And dear Gog there were the eyebrows. "Karkat, why are you - ?"

"Come off, Kankri!" Karkat immediately jumped off the other side of his bed with a groan. "You do this shit every morning with me! You even did it over summer! It's gotten really fucking predictable!"

"Forgive me for wanting you to accomplish a full day's worth of events rather than sleep in half the day," Kankri snorted. He remained still, and kept his eyes narrowed. From the other side of the bed he looked even more like a dick. "Besides, I for one will not have a lazy brother."

"Asshole."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, you didn't hear me?" Karkat snarked, picking up the remainders of what was his mess. Better do this while he was telling off his brother for what was the umpteenth time. "Then let me say it louder - ASSHOLE." 

The rage Karkat was bathing in was now up to his neck. It was a wonder he hadn't punched Kankri yet. As per usual. He tossed the clothes away in time for his brother to release his arms and say a rebuttle.

"Oh come now, this is just childish." 

Karkat wedged his head up a bit as he spoke. Welp, better strike while the iron is hot. "You're the one who whines about being made to wear anything that's even remotely purple, and you're calling ME childish?"

"That is a matter that is entirely different from the one we are now discussing!" The venom in his voice, the sheer pitch - yep, he was angry. Not too hard to push Kankri's buttons. "And I will have you know that color is known not only for being triggering to humans and trolls alike, but also is a sociopolitical margin of wealthy trolls in America! And I for one will not go and ostracize myself by wearing such a color!"

"You know, you can just say you hate the color purple, and NOT be a total tool about it!" Karkat was already red faced, while Kankri had a large tinge on his cheeks. "Do you know how you sound when you say that shit?!"

"Do you know how pathetic and irrevocably idiotic you sound when you say those triggering words?!"

The sea of anger and triggering words was already boiling. The cold stare down between the brothers was worse. Red eyes locked onto bright yellow, both burning and ready for the other troll to make the dick move. Never before had Karkat wanted to punch someone so hard that he could retroactively stop their birth. Then again, this was not the first time he'd thought this. Nor was it the first time he'd wanted to punch Kankri's smarmy mouth clear into the next state.

The two red blooded trolls continued to stare each other down before one of them sighed. A winner had emerged. 

"Alright," Kankri started, fingers pressed to his temple. "I will secede for now, brother." He started towards the door. "I shall be the bigger troll and back down from another predictable, pointless fight and argument."

"You know, the bigger troll doesn't have to admit he's bigger by saying that for the umpteenth time," Karkat grumbled.

"I respect your privilege to be somewhat irritable in the morning, and I apologize for causing you more discomfort than usual." He was obviously biting back the worst part of his speech. Too typical. And his teeth were gritted and barren. Yep, he was still pissed. "I will see you downstairs within the half hour, brother. Please do get ready for classes."

"Fine."

"Thank you."

The door closed quickly while footsteps echoed outside. Karkat's ears pricked slightly as he heard his brother's muffled contentions as he walked down the hallway. The thudding and subtle stomping of his brother's footsteps continued to make sound, even after he'd turn the corner. Those were what Kankri called "dissatisfaction conducted through his feet". 

For the love of - Who was he fooling doing shit like that? Kankri was no more immature and hot-heated than Karkat was, and even then he had the gall to pull this self-righteous bullshit. Leaving right in the middle of an argument and confrontation like this? Saying he was being the 'bigger troll' in response? Who the fuck was he fooling? Himself?

Karkat brushed sweat from his brow and felt the flush of anger leave his face. He'd have to ask Rose later about Kankri's supposed persona. Maybe find a way to knock him down a peg, or get him to remove the mask, or whatever the fuck she went on about before. He sighed and began to reassess his comforter and bed situation. Yep, the tug of war had screwed up the order of his bed sheets again. Consistency, damn it. Consistency!

He mumbled something under his breath before he started to re-tuck the sheets

Fuck Kankri. 

He could get up on his own now, damn it. He wasn't a little kid anymore. He was already awake before he entered his room. He could have gotten up then and there . . . Not that he was anticipating his brother to come in like clockwork. Or that he knew his brother would start another fight with him. That was all unavoidable. That was life. Right corner top right, left corner top left. Pillow dead center. Besides, he had already thought up what to combat Kankri with in terms of verbal onslaughts. He'd had hours of practice with Dave and Sollux.

Second blanket folded neatly over the top, careful of the stitching. He had even set an alarm. Or he thought he did. He wanted to break his previous patterns today. Start fresh, awake, alive. Not get the comforter ripped of his bed with the sheets now dangling over the edges - fuck. He circled back and undid the previous tuck. Definitely not his morning. Now, second sheet over the first one. Easy on the layers. 

Karkat sighed as he continued. He had wanted to change his scenery since the summer had started. To stop being hounded by Kankri to study and be a "responsible individual" over the summer. No outside contact aside from over his computer. Which sucked loads of blown chunks. He had not seen his so-called friends face to face during the entire summer, and for a number of extraneous reasons: summer camp, a DJ mixing competition and being an asshole when it comes to computer coding. 

And there was the sea of rage at his feet again. Not even ten fucking minutes later and he was getting angry again. _'Not the time'_ , he murmured to himself.  _'Not the fucking time or place . . . '_

He turned his attention to his clothes. Maybe today he could get away with wearing his black cardigan if it wasn't going to be too hot. He had to look at least somewhat presentable today. At least better than how he looked last year for his first day of middle school.

Oh Gog. 

The previous middle school year. Oh dear, sweet Gog that horrible, horrible year. So many mistakes had been made. So much shit had gone down. So. Much. Bullshit. Friendships destroyed, quadrants broken and fixed, so much bullshit. And so much of it was going to come back to haunt him this year. He just fucking KNEW it!

. . . Fuck.

He shook his head swiftly and muttered something under his breath. Definitely not the best fucking place or time. That shirt, yes. Just stay calm, ignore the sea of rage. Those pants, good. Ignore Kanaya's fashion advice exposition later, possibly, but tolerate it and say it was actually helpful. Which it normally is, honestly. Cardigan-sweater-thing over the shirt. Good. Fuck mornings. He felt for his shoes on the floor. Yep. Right where he left them. Focus on this.

Focus on why today was going to be better.

Today was the day for new beginnings.

Today was his first day at Skaia Junior High School.

If it was one thing Karkat had learned from extensively watching rom-coms over the summer, it was that junior high school was the changing factor for protagonists. The day they stop behaving like wimps and start facing their problems with a renewed passion. The wandering of youth would begin, the time of their life would start. Knowledge of individuality and sensational moments of life awaited them. These were their years to prove themselves. The years they learn how to fight, how to dream, how to . . . He felt his face burn again. It wasn't the rage this time.

He coughed as he stood up. Dressed. Not a hair out of place. Hair. Goddamn it. He hated his part. He twirled a small bedhead forelock in front of his face. His hair was always a fucking disaster. Stray parts, the weird back angle of his hair - he'd never hear the end of it from Kankri. Or Kanaya. Fucking. Awesome. He walked to his dresser and his mirror. He remembered a comment Dave once made about it being girly. Said the circle-jerking rapper who wore shades that only a woman would wear. And he had the nerve to call HIM girly. Well, admittedly he might have been right, but the past is the past. 

A comb was produced from a drawer, and he started to comb his hair while he stared deep in the mirror. Always had to -

"Fuck!" He yanked the comb from its prison. "Sh - shit, that hurt!"

He set the comb down, using his free hand to rub the sore spot. This was why he preferred BRUSHES to something that had more sharp teeth than a crocodile. Karkat sighed before opening another drawer. The brush he found was quickly set down. His attention diverted back to the mirror. His fingers had brushed up against his horns. The smooth texture was calming.

Weird . . . wait. Wait. Had his horns always been that nubby? Or, or that small? Come to think of it, yes. Wait. Stop. Stop touching. Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! The student health book from the previous year stated he'd get at least another inch in length, maybe even two! Sure, the look ran in the family, but come on! They should have been bigger by now! He wasn't some kid anymore! He tapped the tops of his horns, watching in the mirror.

"Ah Gog DAMN it."

How was it possible his horns could still have been as small and insignificant as they were last year? How was it that his fucking hair grew over the summer, but his horns were still as nubby as his fucking nose? 

"Fuck me . . . "

Never a dull fucking moment in the life and times of Karkat Vantas.


	3. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET TALLER?!

The morning air was a myriad of warmth and sweat. Summer weather lingered, even in the beginnings of September. The sky was barely covered in clouds, and the sun was already on the horizon. Houses were beginning to open up and a car drove past at a brisk yet even pace. A picturesque morning alright. Perfect for the first day of class.

Karkat flicked his still sore ear with a groan. He was right before about Kankri. Too right. He rubbed the edge. Damn it. He silently hoped Kanaya wasn't in the same mood, or hadn't developed her vocabulary over the span of one summer. Better to not have his ear chewed off twice in a day.

Turn the corner, then go down the street. He had a few stops to make before he could get to Skaia Junior High. He reached the next street without a problem. Good. A lone skateboarder flew past on the road, wearing a full helmet. Karkat rolled his eyes. Asshole was going to get themselves hit by a car. One less idiot in the road at least. He stayed on the sidewalk, hands firmly on the backpack straps. Better to be safe than sorry.

. . . Wait.

"Ah fuck Kankri," he murmured. He rubbed his temples. "Can I go one fucking day without his words getting in my life? ONE?"

He stopped as he reached a familiar stretch of the neighborhood. His eyes scanned the area, already looking. Newly built houses to the left, an older home with an odd colored roof to the right. The car in the house's drive still appeared new, and the dent in the side was still there from the previous school year. So his dad never got that dent fixed. Well, that was one more thing to add to his conscience. Just don't bring it up in conversations this time. 

His eyes continued to roll around until they landed on someone. A familiar troll with two small sets of sharp horns.

And yet, they definitely seemed bigger than his nubs.

The troll was adjusting his glasses. One bright red lens was glistening to the left, while the right lens was shimmering with a deep and iridescent blue. It was a wonder how the troll wearing these specs could even see, let alone go about daily life without being vehemently teased. Then again, with the demeanor he showed, it was a question of whether or not he cared about such things.

His back was parallel to the fence he stood by, both feet firmly on the ground. Steadfast almost. A normal black faded shirt was on his body, complete with jeans that looked far too large for his legs. His backpack was just slung on one shoulder. The look screamed slacker. His shoes, however, were almost dressy. New even. One white shoe was on his right foot, while a black one was on the left. They screamed something else entirely. Whatever the word was, it was evading the shorter troll completely. 

Karkat felt his gaze narrow. He could practically hear a familiar troll scolding him on the etiquette of his fashion, how irrevocably stupid he was being by choosing that outfit in the first place. Not that it also crossed his own mind to tell him that. But not after last night. And definitely not after seeing the dent in his dad's car. 

Karkat approached him wearily.

The other troll looked at him. It only took him a second. 

"Theeth, KK, you look like thit."

"Don't you fucking start, Sollux."

They started walking.

"Fine. Forget I cared."

Silence.

"Sorry."

Sollux smirked. Too easy to screw with him. "I know."

"And about last night - "

"Thay no more, KK," he added. He waved it off with two fingers. "I know."

Karkat kept his gaze on the ground as they turned the corner. "You sure?"

He nodded. "Wouldn't be here walking with you if I wathn't."

"I - I know, but -"

"KK, theriouthly," Sollux sighed. "We do thith every day. Ethpethially after campaignth like latht night. It'th really okay." The troll let loose a small sigh as they stopped at a four way. His face stayed stoic. "And the bathe ith only halfway damaged, tho repairth are eathier thith time."

"Good then," he mumbled. Karkat scanned the troll beside him. Backpack on, same two-toned glasses. same smarmy attitude and smart-ass tone in his voice. Yep. He hadn't changed at all. Well, except for one thing. He spoke slowly this time to let the venom drip. His eyes narrowed.

"How tall are you now?"

A smirk appeared. "Five foot thixth."

Red light. Walk straight.

"Fuck you."

Sollux snickered as he brushed the back of Karkat's head with his palm. "You are thill too eathy in the morning, KK."

"Shut the fuck up, and don't do that!" A snort followed. "WHY the fuck do you feel the need to DO that?!"

"Because."

Another corner was turned. 

"That doesn't answer the question."

"What if it hath no anthwer?" Sollux raised a brow behind his glasses. He was waiting for it at this point. 

"Then fuck you for being an asshole!"

There it was. Sollux snickered louder this time. Had he actually missed this over the summer, or was it just the nostalgia of listening to his yelling real life compared to reading it over a computer screen? Felt like it. At least right now. Later he'd think something else about that. Maybe. Or not. 

The two kept their pace up as they reached the edge of another neighborhood. Elegant houses were on the edges, and the two knew from experience that far larger and far better houses were up further in the neighborhood. One of them being gated, for whatever fucking reason. But that wasn't their destination today. The house on the left was the central focus. Two stories, a new sleek design, bearing something on the top that looked like a skylight on the far right.

"The thkylight'th new," Sollux said.

Karkat snorted. Sollux sighed.

"Alright, what'th with you?"

"You really haven't changed," Karkat muttered.

"People don't change after one thummer," Sollux said. He cocked his head to the door of the mansion. "Thadly."

"I can still hope," he said. His eyes darted about. "Think Gamzee somehow changed, at least a bit?"

"Nope."

The lackluster reply made Karkat stop in his tracks as Sollux moved ahead. He scrunched his face as he spotted another troll walking down the sidewalk.   

The same candy-corn colored horns were atop his head, but moved higher, and in waves. The hair atop his head was shaggy, almost knotted, compared to a passable bedhead. The troll's face was smeared in some sort of gray and white paint, making him look far more ridiculous than need be. Yet it was a signature. A look. Something great. At least to him. He was wearing a black t-shirt, a large size no less, with an odd logo on the front of it in purple lining. Also a signature. A great one. Goat. Bah-bah, motherfucker. 

Arms were up to the sky and his feet were barely touching the ground. Better stretch. Stretch it good. Into next week. That would be fucking great. 

Sollux raised a hand to him as they met on the street's sidewalk. 

" 'thup, GZ?"

"Nothin' much, motherfucker," he replied. He high-fived Sollux instantly. His voice was calm and deeper than the others, but something else about it was strange. Mirthful, but with a tinge of something unknown. "Just gettin' my mojo back into action."

"No joke?"

"Yeah, aftah that kill streak I had last night?" He laughed lightly and stretched his arms up further. They barely reached the tips of his horns. "Kinda necessary."

"Not that thick of a threak latht night, but okay," Sollux said with a shrug. "Thill dude, all that time at camp? How wath it?"

"Yeah, glad I got back last week or what?" The taller troll sniggered as his arms fell back to his sides.

"Perfect timing, Gthe," he said. "And theriouthly, dude, you look like you grew a fucking foot."

"Ah what, really? Nah!" He turned to Karkat, and the smile on his face was enormous. "Kar-bro! It feels like it's been a fuckin' millennium!"

Karkat, however, was gaping. He had been gaping. He had a cast over look before he suddenly swung a fist at the two. 

"How the _fuck_ are you _taller_  than me, too, Gamzee?!"

Gamzee stood, blinking, as Karkat writhed in anger. The taller troll blinked a few more times at Karkat before his cheeks puffed with laughter. He couldn't take it.

Sollux, biting his lip entire time, was trying to keep his own laughter at bay. "Chill, KK," he said. "I - I mean, tho you're thmaller th - than uth. Wh - what'th the pro - * _snick_ * - problem?" 

"You don't fucking get it!" Karkat flailed an arm about as he tried to reach a hand for scale to Gamzee's newfound peak. "On one end, we have the jolly purple juggalo, and on the other side is the modern and more sensible version of Neo, only two inches shorter and five IQ points lower." That line earned him a kick in the shins, and a small yelp. "Then there's ME. Where the FUCK do I fit in with this equation, huh?"

Sollux smirked while he pulled his leg back. "Easy. You're the hobbit who hath the one ring to bitch to them all."

Gamzee unleashed a wild torrent of laughter while Karkat tried to grasp his throat. He smacked Gamzee soundly on the back, who kept laughing. Sollux was already walking ahead, easily taking mental notes. 

"Oh fuck BOTH of you!"

"Nope, nothin' changed for yah, Kar-bro!" Gamzee laughed. 

"Heh, nope," Sollux sighed. "Pity, really."

"A whole summer of assgrabbery and fury behind me, and I STILL haven't gotten taller than you fucknuts!?" His fingers drew back through his hair, rubbing a horn. Sollux sighed nearby. "Or, got bigger horns, or-or SOMETHING?" He released his grip with an agonized claw swipe.

"I think yah look better this way, motherfucker. Easiah t'do this, "Gamzee said. He tried to swipe Karkat into a hug, but the troll evaded with a huff. "Ah, what?"

Sollux snickered again, and added, "Nexth time, GZ."

"No, not now! Not ever!" Karkat had his arms up in exhaust and anger. " Urgh . . . Haven't ANY of us really grown?!"

Sollux put a finger to his chin as the trio stopped at another light. He faced Karkat with a sharp grin. His face dropped.

"NO."

"You know, KK . . ."

"NO, SHUT UP!" 

Red faced within seconds. 

"I can name . . .  _two_ thingth that have."

And cue Karkat trying to strangle Sollux, who was now avoiding the troll's clawed grasps at his neck.

Gamzee was trying to pull Karkat back, but he was having trouble. Sollux, in the meantime, was stifling more laughter back. The three walked on ahead, approaching another neck of the same neighborhood. A few bikes rattled past, and a shriek was heard in the distance. As they reached another crossroads, Karkat was being held up by Gamzee in one of his classic "bear hugs", which also made him spout off obscenities of a varied nature.

Sollux turned back to the steamed troll. Red as a tomato. "Theeth, KK, calm your titth."

"You're the one who said that stupid two-pun shit! That is never funny! And put me down, you fruity-colored circus walker!" Gamzee shook his head with a small chuckle. Karkat was baring his fangs at the spectacled troll. Whether or not he was taken seriously all depended on how someone viewed a troll being hugged one foot off the ground. "And FURTHERMORE, WHY did you have to refer to THAT of all things?!"

"T'what, nah?" Gamzee muttered.

"Huh?"

"You know VERY well what I mean, Sollux! You're not fooling me, man!" Karkat tried to claw at him again, only for him to see a flash of claws. Again, his attempts to be threatening came off as . . . not so much. Much to his disappointment and frustration. "You were talking about your d-"

"Wait, theriouthly?" Sollux pinched the bridge of his nose. Nope, he had not changed over the summer. "THAT'TH why you got pithed off?" He groaned and gave a glare at the growling troll. "KK. Dude. Why would I even touch that thubject now of all timeth and today of all dayth?"

"Again, what nah?"

"Nothing, Gthe. Jutht keep holding him."

"NO, PUT ME DOWN."

"No chance, Kar-Bro!" Gamzee squeezed tighter, making the smaller troll flail. "Like I'd let ya hurt Sol-Bro today! 'Sides, you owe me a motherfuckin' hug-fest!"

"Better him than me," Sollux murmured. 

"I HEARD THAT! AND GAMZEE LET - ME - *ack!* - GO!"

A gasp escaped from Karkat. He could feel his lungs collapse, and his entire being fade. He sputtered a cough as Sollux sighed nearby. The bastard had gone and done it again. He made a note of revenge in his mind before he felt it being overloaded with Gamzee's squeeze. Sure he had been enclosed indoors almost all summer, but this was the one thing he really didn't miss about being around Gamzee. And man were the bruises not worth it sometimes.

"Yeah . . . It wathn't thome thupid pun, and I wathn't referring to my 'double dongth'."

"Please do not talk about ithem like that either . . ." Karkat grumbled loudly. Red faced, bared fangs. He was still trying so hard. And failing so miserably. It was really pitiable. Gamzee's arms loosened as he dropped Karkat down. "THANK YOU. Finally, I can breath again . . . "

"Y'welcome, Kar-bro!" Gamzee said, and added a small "Honk" under his breath.

"Trutht me when I thay I wath not," he sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and stepped to the trolls warily. He raised a hand. "Bethideth, the thingth I meant were the collective heightth of GZ and me, and then - " He poked Karkat's stomach. He quickly reacted the way the two-toned troll expected: covered his stomach with a bright red nervous face. " - there'th that."

Gamzee turned his head to the sky.

Hands behind the hair. Soft hair. It was soft. Soft and squish. So was he. Like a doll. Baby doll. Hug me, baby. Baby fat. Adorable. Adorkable. Stubby horns, too. Heh. Funny. Cute. Oh Gog. Stop the snickering. He'll hear you.

Karkat was glaring right through Sollux. There were no thoughts. Only rage. The immediate, immediate, black rage.

"Wow, you mutht be pithed . . . you haven't thaid a word yet," Sollux murmured. Wow, the comment must have cut deep. He felt a chill run up his spine for some reason. Damn it, he did it again. 

Snort. Memories flooded back. A chill blew in.

"Uh, r-right . . . you, uh - "

"You . . . " Finally he was forming words. No way he was going to dig his own grave in this friendship again. "You have NO right . . . to call me FAT!"

And like that the moment was gone. 

"Oh my Gog, KK . . . " Sollux pinched the bridge of his nose once more. Every single fucking time. He could hear Gamzee's stifled laughter nearby. 

"I-It's not my fault that Kankri wouldn't let me out of the damn house without HIM following me nonstop!!"

"Thill could have done thome thit-upth or thomething . . . "

"Still doesn't mean you DO that!" Karkat was already flaring and wavering. "S-Seriously! I don't make fun of you for being thin as a fucking rail!"

"Least I am . . ."

"BASTARD!"

"Douthe . . ."

"Ehehe, dude, Kar-bro . . . I-I'm cullin' myself - "

"SHUT UP!"

"Gthe, you're not really helping."

"You guys starting another round of "Kick the Karkat" without me?" 

The trio turned to the crosswalk and spotted a flash of blond. A preteen, a peach-skinned human, was walking towards them. His hair was gelled back in a slick motion, and smelled just as expected. A red light jacket was on his torso, despite the weather, and jeans were plastered on his legs. A pair of impressive yet flashy shoes were on his feet, almost brand new. A pair of curved black sunglasses were placed on his face, making it near impossible to even see his eyes.

He looked like he was trying to impress someone, but whoever it was, they were far too long gone to care. Their loss. Now he could look just as cool in front of his friends. 

"Oh my gog, Strider, I never thought I'd say this, but thank you for interrupting . . ." Karkat murmured.

Sollux flipped a phone from his pocket before grumbling something about the time. He placed it back and turned to look at Dave. He may not have seen his eyes, but he knew the prick could still see. "Well, 'bout time you thowed up . . . "

"You guys'd never leave me behind," he said smoothly. "You care about me way too damn much to do something like that."

"Yeah, no shit," Karkat said, rolling his eyes. "And where the hell were you, pray tell?"

"Just had to finish somethin' at home," he said. The pre-teen's shoulders shrugged with a bob of the head. "Nothing major. Now we can motor."

Karkat snorted. "Rose again?"

"Not really about her as much as it was about me trying to find my bag."

"Behind the door?" Sollux asked.

"Okay, it's not that predicable, and stop prying into my life," he said sharply. "I don't pry into yours."

"Seriously?!" 

"KK, normally I'd agree and thart thomething, but we've gotta go," Sollux said calmly. He started walking again. "Come on, guyth."

Karkat sighed heavily. About fucking time someone agreed. He followed the two-toned troll as he heard Gamzee's heavy steps. No chance he could hear Dave's. Not after last year and his flash stepping incident in the hallway. He kept his gaze firmly ahead. 

"So . . . where's John?"

"Huh?"

"He was supposed to be with you, right?" Karkat asked, gripping his bag tighter.

Sollux felt a smirk on his face. Far too easy in the morning to read the troll. Gamzee looked at Karkat. He bit his lip. Not now. Dave raised a brow before he caught up with Karkat. Better to set him straight now.

"Nah, I haven't seen John this morning," Dave stated. He adjusted his shades. "He told me last night after the match he'd see us at the school later today. He seemed nervous about something, though. And I highly doubt it's because he shot your shit last night."

He turned and saw Karkat's eyes fire up. Talk about dropping it like it's hot.

"Right, touchy subject."

"GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT."

"Thill caught up on it, KK?" Sollux asked.

Gamzee peered over the short troll's shoulders. "Ah, come on, KarBro, not the first time yah've been shot t' motherfuckin' shit in a video game. What's gotcha stuck in a cloud of funk today?"

"How would you feel if you were sniped by a douchebag who has less IQ points than the bullets that once existed in his fucking gun?!" 

"Pretty pissed."

"Exactly!"

"But I'd get over it."

"And like that you just stepped on my feelings, Strider!"

"Ouch?" Gamzee squeaked. He snuck behind Karkat and his pout before leaning over his head. "It's just a motherfuckin' game, Kar-bro. Nothin' t'get your horns in a knot ovah."

The smaller troll felt his face burn again. Gamzee maneuvered away within seconds. "It STILL fucking burns, damn it!"

Sollux set his hand on Karkat's shoulder before saying, "KK, ath thomeone who'th lotht more than one game with hith own head being thniped, and or blown up with a pipe bomb, allow me to offer you thith thimple yet eathy piethe of advithe to follow: build a bridge and get over it." He patted the now frothing troll's back before snickering. "The thooner you do, the better."

The shorter troll stood there gaping before catching up to the now far off Dave and Gamzee. Houses were falling behind them as brick business buildings were built before them. A few oaks were passed as Karkat reached the taller beings. 

"Okay then, answer me this: how the actual FUCK am I going to do that?!" Karkat panted between steps. He added, "Can't I just ask for a rematch in the game, lead him into a false sense of security, possibly into the ravine west of the base, and serve him a double barrel shotgun full of fuck you?"

"Because that's messed up, and the queen of the eight-legged freaks would catch on faster than my sister on report card day," Dave flatly said.

"Why is it never that easy?!"

"Becauthe it never ith."

"Wish it was . . . "

"Don't we all?" Sollux lamented.

"Testify my brother," Gamzee sighed.

"Let it flow on the breeze," Dave started. "Settin' your mind at ease . . ."

Gamzee snickered as he added, "Makin' your self go into a flash freeze - "

"NO, please for the love of Gog, NO rapping this morning!" 

Sollux let a small sigh loose as Karkat grumbled something else. Gamzee snapped his fingers.

"Fun Nazi," Dave muttered.

"I heard that!"

The four reached another corner, destination already within site. Skaia Junior High School was set near a four way intersection, large iron gates open to the sides of smaller bricked walls that went down several blocks. Students were already pouring into the school grounds, and fountain spray could be seen over the red bricks. The size of the original school building looked about three stories, and topped off with a rather magnificent cornice. 

The four grew quiet as they kept walking. They entered the courtyard, which was now swarming with preteens. A fountain was going in the center, and trees were along the sides in a parallel planted pattern. A few teachers were at the front, welcoming students. Sollux, adjusting his glasses, caught the size of the school up close. He whistled.

"Damn, the thchool lookth pretty huge . . ."

"No joke," Dave said.

"Little intimidatin'," Gamzee muttered, then let a snort loose with some laughter. "But nothin' we can't handle! Right, Kar-bro?"

"Why turn to me on that one?"

The four kept walking on. A few students on bikes whisked past, while one tipped past and swiveled to the fountain. The student grumbled as they pulled their bike up, revealing a dented tire. Dave slowed down, but sped back up to catch up with the group.

"So, whatch'ya think is up with John-bro?" Gamzee asked. 

"Don't know, don't particularly care," Karkat hissed.

"Lie," Sollux snickered.

"Fuck off."

"I would say I'm worried," Dave started, " but this is also John we're talking about. I mean, maybe the dude's got some new relative in town, and he's toting him around like fucking Bernie with far sicker shades and another cousin." Karkat was already plugging his ears. "Or his dad remarried over the summer, and he got a hot sister. Doesn't want us to meet her 'cause he's taking the big brother route like in those bad RPGs I read about in GameBro. Shields her from the other people so he can satisfy his creepy sister fetish."

"Ith thith for real?" Sollux grumbled.

"Hey if a creature has ears, they can hear," Dave said.

"Oh, you heard that? Thit, dude, thaveth me a thretcth of yelling."

A snort escaped someone nearby, who was immediately hit in the shoulder by the shorter troll. And given a swift "Shut the fuck up!" with pursed lips and gritting teeth.

"Hey, could be possible," Dave said. He sighed and peered up to the morning sky. A few birds flew past as he said, "Can't blame me for thinking all that. I mean, it could be a number of things. There could even be a bad haircut."

"That . . . actually theemth more pothible than that thupid thithter thing."

"Fair."

Karkat stopped. "Or he's right at the fucking doors and he's waving for us."

"Wait, you fucking with me?" Dave asked. He turned, and gave a small noise. "Oh, never mind."

The blue-eyed brunette was smiling at the four, exactly where Karkat said he was. Glasses flashed on his face, squaring his features. A completely white shirt was on his body, and a small, odd blue slug creature was plastered on the front. His jeans angled against his black shoes, and his green colored backpack was already bearing a logo for a movie. Not even a day of class had gone by and already he had a sort of thing displaying a terrible movie. 

He saluted as the four came close.

"John, been a while," Dave said, extending a fist. John met the fist with his own. Better to do it right than leave his best friend hanging. "You look different."

He nodded. Good. They hadn't immediately noticed. 

"No duh, but it'th not the hair," Sollux said. He rolled his eyes and scratched his bottom lip. "I'd thay it'th more . . . phythical?"

His eyes went wide. Shit. Nothing got past this guy! 

Karkat narrowed his eyes as he neared John. "Wait, there IS something off . . . and it's already been two minutes since we spotted you, and no loud-mouthed movie reference greeting for us?" He raised a brow. That was weird. The look itself was new, and his hair was combed differently. No. Ignore that. Focus on the face. Just say what needed to be said. Ignore the rage wave. "Did you actually grow up over summer?"

The idiotic smiled was still there, but a worried expression quickly replaced it. Add a toothy grin and he'd immediately be - wait.

"Wait," Karkat said. He turned to Sollux, who nodded. He turned back. "Why the hell are you not speaking?"

A bead of sweat fell down John's face. Dave grimaced. 

"Speak, Fido."

He shook his head.

"What, lose your voice?"

He shook his head again.

"Then, what's the deal?" Dave asked.

John quivered.

He revealed metallic coated teeth.

The silence was long. Dave broke it.

"You got braces."

Nod.

Silence.

"Wow, dude." Dave kept his calm face. "Just . . . Wow."

"Yeah . . ." John stretched the word out as long as possible. "My dad took me last week to get them . . . " Then he hid his teeth again.

Gamzee whistled and raised a brow. Metal teeth. No buck. Buck shot. Nice shot.

"This actually explains a lot," Karkat murmured. He mumbled something under his breath as Sollux crinkled his nose.

"Thit, dude. How doeth it feel?"

"Like I chewed on iron." John tapped his teeth. "And copper wire."

"By that you mean 'fucking useless and painful?"

"Sorta."

"Right on target, Karkat," Dave said.

"Fuck you!"

"Name the place and time. I'll come with my seat less chaps and my gun cocked."

Dave moved his eyebrows up twice. Karkat growled. Was this just another day or was this a national holiday of messing with Karkat?

"OH my fucking - There is only SO much I can take from you before I feel the need to wade through the slurry of your red and black bullshit storm, Strider! Even in the fucking morning, you asshole!"

The ensuing chuckles from John and Gamzee were enough to make Karkat growl. He stomped ahead of the group, fuming and cursing under his breath. He turned back and bared his fangs with a hiss. The others were following as well. 

"And for the record, even if I DID have some sort of prevalent red fascination with you, it would not involve shit-tier weapons and innuendo from Western movies that were made in a country famous for surrenders and white flags!"

"And there he goeth again," Sollux laughed. He shook his head. Gog how he really did miss this. "Man, KK, I mithed you over thummer."

Their laughter droned on as Karkat stepped further with them into the building.

"Remind me why I'm friends with you assholes again?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, chatlogs? Little trickier than I anticipated. Getting the first chapter down? Just as tricky. Hope I can get the ball rolling. Thanks for reading!


	4. Memos from the Desk of Sollux

caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering  twinArmaggedons [TA]   
TA: ii thought ii blocked you.  
CA: can you blame me for tryin to just talk evvery noww and again?!   
CA: 'sides Sol, i wwanted to say somefin important   
TA: two bad. don't wanna hear iit.   
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has been banned by  twinArmaggedons. [TA]   


caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering  twinArmaggedons [TA].  
CA: yeah gonna havve to do better than that, Sol   
TA: ah gog damn iit . . .   
TA: ii 2eriiou2ly thought ii blocked you...   
CA: then wwhy are you talkin to me noww?   
TA: fiinger ii2 on the block button.   
CA: little funny really sol   
TA: ready two cliick.   
CA: okay there is NO need to do somethin like that!   
TA: no remor2e.  
CA: cod you're fuckin brutal...  
TA: any la2t word2?   
CA: don't ban me please?   
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has been banned by  twinArmaggedons [TA].  
TA: ii don't do iimpo22iible reque2t2.   


caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering  twinArmaggedons [TA].  
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has been banned by twinArmaggedons [TA].  


caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering twinArmaggedons [TA].  
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has been banned by twinArnaggedons [TA].  


caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering twinArmaggedons [TA].  
TA: oh my fuckiing gog take a hiint!   
CA: just let me say wwhat i need to!   
TA:ii'm bu2y 2o fuck off!   
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has been banned by twinArmaggedons [TA].  


arachnidsGrip [AG] has begun pestering twinArmaggedons [TA].   
AG: Oh, Soooooooolluuuuuuuux!  
TA: ah great. more cannonfodder. ii mu2t be the luckiie2t troll iin the world.   
TA: ii ju2t got riid of ampora, and my headache i2 gettiing wor2e, 2o make iit quiick, ag.   
AG: Oh, I knoooooooow he was just here. And I also know he left quite the impression on you again.  
TA: let me gue22. you put hiim up 2 iit.   
AG: Actually, I had NOTHING to do with his memo fit this time. That was Eridan acting all on his own.   
TA: 2ure. and ii'm not legally blind wiithout my gla22e2.   
AG: 8elieve you me, I am juuuuuuuust as confused and lost as you are. And just as 8lind without my own glasses, if I remember right. 8ut enough a8out me.   
TA: cut the crap.   
AG: Hey, I'm telling the truth, alright?! I honestly have NO idea what his deal is right now, nor am I really eager to find out what.   
AG: He just messaged me and said we were gonna 8e classm8tes, or whatever, and gave a weak threat like 8ack in elementary school.   
TA: ii have no iidea how you can 2tiill talk two hiim wiithout tryiing two possess hiim and make hiim punch hiis liight2 out.   
AG: 8elieve me, that thought has crossed my mind. My question is how you can stomach his outbursts, and live to tell. ;;;;)  
TA: ii'm not gonna diigniify that wiith a re2pon2e.   
TA: 2o a2iide from ampora beiing a mutual thorn iin our 2iide2, two what do ii owe thii2 plea2ure?   
AG: Oh, nothing major, just wanted to ask which foot you'll 8e kissing. Left or right?   
TA: ...what?   
AG: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, 8ut I have a match to win.   
TA: no fuckiing way...twii2e in a fuckiing week iin thii2 game?!  
AG: Eyes on the prize, sniper!!!!!!!!   
arachnidsGrip [AG] has ceased pestering twinArmaggedons [TA]   
TA: ii 2wear two god ii need 2ome kiind of a2piiriin...  


carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has begun pestering twinArmaggedons [TA].   
CG: HEY. LOOK, ABOUT THE BASE. AND THE WEAPON THING.  
TA: what about iit?   
CG: . . . I'M SORRY.   
CG: ABOUT ALL OF IT.   
TA: ii know. iit'2 okay.   
CG: . . . YOU'RE NOT MAD?   
TA: why would ii be mad? we alway2 2ay 2hiit liike that duriing game2 2e22iion2. and more often than not dave 2ave2 u2 from 2ayiing 2hiit we regret.   
TA: pretty weiird but hey he doe2 that job well...   
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT AT LEAST.   
TA: about the 2hiit talk or the part about dave beiing weiird?   
CG: THE LATTER, ACTUALLY.   
TA: heh, ii audiibly chuckled at that. when wa2 the la2t tiime we actually agreed on 2omethiing liike that?  
CG: IT'S BEEN A WHILE . . .   
CG: SO . . . WE'RE COOL?   
TA: yeah, we are, kk.   
CG: . . . COOL.   
CG: SEE YOU TOMORROW. SAME MEETING PLACE LIKE LAST YEAR?   
TA: yep. 2ee you then.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has ceased pestering twinArmaggedons [TA].  



	5. LiKe SoMeThIn' FrOm A mOtHeRfUcKiN' aNiMe

School. Class. This room felt different. Different building maybe? Nah. The atmosphere? No. The faces? Nah once more. Square it. Rectangular it. Maybe turn it into a trapezoid. And why was it always square? Why was it never a trapezoid honestly? Someone could be square but never be trapezoid. Was it the shape? Couldn't be. They had the same number of vertices as a square. Did they? Ah well. 

Drumming fingers. Claws. Dancing fingers. Magic fingers. Did he have magic fingers? Someone once told him he did. But that quarter was in his fingers to begin with. So they weren't there. And he didn't know magic. Well, maybe he could learn. Eri-bro might have something up his sleeves. Heh, he did wear sleeves. But didn't he believe magic was fake?

Strange. It was taught. Like math. By that logic, math is magic. 

"Weird."

"Talking to yourself again, Gamzee?" Familiar voice. Crabby. 

Cock the head. Cock the gun. Why a cock? No roosters here. Just the little cranky Karkat. 

"Ah, nah, Kar-bro," Gamzee said. Head turns clockwise. Look at those yellow eyes. Man he seems mad. Piss yellow. Heh. "Jus' thinkin's all."

"Yeah, don't think TOO hard on it, asshole . . ." he grumbled. Yep. Pissed.

Give it about five minutes.  Maybe four. Can see it. See his steam. Steaming anger. Shaking, too.

"And lo and fucking behold, we are in the same homeroom . . . " the shorter troll grumbled. Head slam on desk.

Huh. Less than one. New record.

"Yeah, Kar-bro!" Congrats are in order. Despite that.

"What have I done to deserve this sort of torture, huh? What. The fuck. Did I Do?! Just when I was hoping for all of this mind-fuckery to be over and done with, to pass on mercifully, it comes back to haunt me for the rest of my mortal days!" Head's up, he has his hands on his hair now. "Just - just mocking me over my shoulder with its oozing grin and skeleton eyes, saying 'Karkat, you will never be free of this asshole! It is your curse to carry! Enjoy!' _UGH_!"

Slam. Head's on the desk now. Mumbling. Heh, was fun while it lasted. Always funny to hear him rant. Like listening to a brook babble next to a waterfall. 

"Got it out of your thythtem, KK?"

Primary colors walk past. Primary argument: commence. KK. O-Kay. Sol-bro. The tertiary motherfucker. Wait, then who was first? And what was on second? Was that Dave-bro? No, they're talking about Dave-bro. Something about him taking too long in the bathroom. Can it. Heh. Get it? How did the joke go again? Wasn't there a Prince Albert? Nevermind. Think of it later. Oh, they stopped arguing there. Thank goodness.

Mustard and Ketchup had to get along to make a good burger. Wait, then where was he?

" - thtill, that wath almotht poetic."

Snap.

"Gee, thanks," Karkat hissed back. Head turned down. Wait, turned down for what? "Least John isn't in this homeroom . . . "

"Probably a good thing," Sollux added. Glassed moved. Fingers tapped. Oh they were trapped on the nose. Whatever. "I heard thith homeroom ith Scratch'th Englith clath. Dude'd be dead within a week."

"So would you."

"Thut up."

"Just stating the obvious, Mister 'I-can't-tell-the-difference-between-Shakespeare-and-DOS-prompts'," Karkat snorted. Smirk. Oh that smirk. Karkat you richeous motherfucker!

"Oh man, Kar-bro!" Gamzee laughed.

Snort.

"Okay, you get that one . . . " Sollux grumbled.

He leaned in to the troll's personal space. Hidden words. Angry whispers. Careless whispers. What were they saying? Were they gonna dance or some shit? Nah - that was a movie thing. And that song was old as fuck. Old hat even. Something about never mentioning it again? Okay, they had to be following the lyrics. Now say the line! Fist shoved in the air. Yellow backs off. Yellow flag. Red rage. Yellow red. Orange. Move along to the desk in front of Karkat. Keep it strong. 

Students moved in. Some moved past. Past the desks. Past the main desk in the front. All over. Scattering like rats. They seemed like rats. Ah nuts one of them had buck teeth like a rat. Go figure. Figure eight. Vriska? No, just another cerulean blooded troll. Nice horns. Hooks on both ends. Spiral on the left. How the hell. Eyes dart to the left. Human girls gossiping. Someone looks at him. He looks at them. They look at him. He looks at them. The turn away. 

So much for that. Turns head again. Those are large horns. Oh no, wait. Wait. Yeah, human beside him. Book in hand. Vampire fiction. Wait was it - no it was not. No wonder Kar-bro wasn't looking this way. Better. He already had that one series. High five nearby. Head turned again. Karkat's head was still on his desk. Guess he was tired. Or still babbling. Oh well. A human and a troll. They seemed happy. Their smiles and their laughter really showed it. 

Or they were just excited to be near each other. Either or. . . . wait - 

"Why do people say that?" 

"What now?" Karkat asked.

Gamzee turned his head again to Karkat. Tired yellow eyes peered at him.

"Ah, nothin', just thinkin'."

". . .  I fucking give."

"Too late, I'm here now," Dave swiftly stated. He sat down in a desk a row in front of Gamzee. One-two stepped it by Karkat's red glare. The blond was wearing that smirk. Oh man say the line, say the line! "And the rule is no one shall give up when the Strider enters the scene."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Karkat started, "allow me to go ahead and revise myself." He coughed, then let his face fall flat. "I fucking give."

"Ah come on, dude."

"Hell no, Strider."

Other students were listening in and laughing. The two kept at it. Red and Red. Heh, two sides to a heart. Or a spade. Maybe - nah. No way. In his dreams maybe. Or his nightmares. Weird.

More laughter. Blobby sounding laughter. Gross. Disgusting laughter. Masses were weird. Minds melded in that soup. Individuals? Gamzee could handle that. Better that way, too. Made venturing in their minds easier. Didn't overwhelm the chuckle voo-doos. Who do you voo-doo? 

Everyone, motherfucker.

More students clamored to desks. Left and right. Left and left again. More laughter. Chatter. Cut the chatter. The bell rang in an instant. Someone entered the room as the students raced to desks. The teacher apparently. The man was a snappy dresser alright. Bowtie. Glits and glam. Green. Why a minty green? Was it mint? No. _He_ needed the mint. There go the first day jitters. His mom warned him about this. White pants with similar green iridescent shoes. Wait, could shoes be iridescent? Yeah. His head seemed so. Bald. And sleek. And. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Where the motherfuck was his face?

"It's just not there . . . " he murmured.

"Gamzee, shut up," Karkat's whisper echoed. 

He nodded. Better to not get in trouble on the first day. Again. 

"Greetings, everyone, and welcome to the first day of your junior high school curriculum," he said. His head glowed when he spoke. Wait, was it speaking if his mouth was gone? It was a booming voice. Boom boom into the room. "I am your homeroom, and current English teacher, Doctor Scratch. You all may refer to me as thus, or as Mister Scratch. Either one will be fine, but I would prefer it if you kept it consistent. For your sakes."

Man it was hard to tell if he was being serious or not. Own brow raised. Heard a yelp in front. Laughter to the side by the windows. Crabby squeak behind him. No face. No brows. Nothing angry.Just a slight tinge in tone. Wow. Challenge.

"But, that is mostly for your reference of me. Nothing more, nothing less." He grabbed a clipboard from the desk within seconds. Pen click. "Now I would like a reference for each of you, and for each of you to make a reference of yourselves for one another. As I take attendance, please stand up and introduce yourself to the rest of the class. No one will be judging. Unless they just so happen to be."

Fat chance. He was so gonna be. He guessed.

Students at the front went first. Thank Gog. Never wanted to go first for something like this. People always laughed. Someone in the front row stood up in a dress. Nice color. Fuchsia and an indigo trim. Kanaya would be proud. Some what. Maybe? Says her name and twirls her hair. Sits down. Doesn't matter. Her mind is vacant. Why is it always the ones with the good fashion sense? Their minds are clear as fuck.

Like a haunted house. Oh man if a mind were like a haunted house. Imagine that. Imagine there was no heaven. No heaven? Wait, is that John? Oh, nah, he said his name was Jett. Just a brown headed motherfucker. Brown nosed too. Scanning the mind. Wait, why the hell is that image there? That guy is gonna have a hell of a time with that. Sweet Jegus. 

Another student went. Some human by the name Milo. Less and less interesting as it went on. Guy seemed into the girl across the room sitting by the door. No chance. Her mind looked like a trippy fucking place. Student behind him went next. Troll girl. Something about honey and beekeeping. What was it? Rings? Combs? Oh, her hair. Right. 

He knew that.

A red patch rose. Oh. Dave-bro.

"Strider. Dave Strider. 'Sup."

"Yes, 'sup', Mr. Strider." Hands grasped the clipboard again. "I remember a student I had before with a name such as yours. Such a fine student, if not verbose and rather cumbersome in his essays. I trust you carry the same tendency?"

Laughter. Mutter. Red and green. Reluctance. Been there before, motherfucker. Just suck it up before you pucker up.

"Only if you want me to, teach," Dave started. Ah yeah, rap the way nature intended! "I can, but only if you want me to. Just say the word, and I am at your disposal. The pen in your hand is now the weapon I use to slay those in my path. Left and right the writers will fall at my feet, trying to kiss them and the ground I walk on. I am their knight, their fighter of English and all that they adore. They wanna get close to me, I have to kick them away. I'm just a lyrical poet, nothing more, peasants. Pen and paper are nothing for someone like me. "

Ah hell yeah! Fires on in his mind turned up to the nth degree! People nodding. Agreeing. Oh hell yeah.

"I will keep that all in mind, along with the notion that I was right in trusting my instincts," Scratch stated. Wrote something down on the clipboard. Flat? No, that tone was - "I will also hold you to your word on how you seem to adhere to the English language."

"Nice."

"And as a warning, please keep in mind that I am not a fan of rap music, so your colloquialistic vocabulary will have to be drastically altered in this classroom."

"Wait, how did you - ?"

"The other Strider was quite fond of it. I suspected that you would be pursuing it as an interest as well."

"Man he catches on quick," Dave whispered. Chilled. 

"Nevertheless, welcome to the class. You may sit down now."

He sat down. Figured. Stopped the flames. His mind was now blank. Why did he know? No, how did he know? Was it his bro? Oh man did he know his? Nah - Kurloz was a mystery. And silent. No chance he'd remember. The next student rose. Back to wandering minds. And his own. Tap toe. Tip toe. Tic tac toe. Gamer. Gamer nerds here, too. A human. Name was - something. 

Troll guy. Good mind. Good attitude. Not really special. Saluted to the teacher. Brown-noser, too. Figured. Another student stood up. Nothing. No minds were good here. All empty vessels. Fertile for planting. No chances. That what he had. Up against the throws of the motherfucking minds that were far too empty. Disappointment. Long hair ahead. troll girl. Odd looking horns. Had some human in her. Not interested.

Who's next? Who's on first? No, he's on second. I don't know is on third, right? No, it's in front. Human girl. Gene. Brown hair. Low hanging fruit there. And she likes dreams. Ah Scratch already went there. Still such a low one. And she takes it in stride. Smile and wave. Empty mind, empty mind. Killing me softly with your song, sister. Just keep motherfuckin' chillin'.

"Mister Makara."

Chill. Icy chill. Maybe some sick beats. Let it slay the chill ice as you lay it down real nice - 

"Gamzee Makara."

\- before the crow can caw you be-come the mother-fuckin' law, and jazz to the beat that you feel in the -

" _Gamzee . . . "_

"Seat?"

"No, asshole . . . " 

He turned his head. Karbro? 

"What's up?"

He pointed to the front. Scratch was tapping a keyboard. Long fingers. Anticipation. He missed his intro. Ah fuck. 

"Ah, right, sorry 'bout that, mo - Mister Scratch." No detention this time. Avoid the tick. 

"While I do respect students with vast thought, I would thoroughly appreciate it if you would refrain from exploring that vast emptiness within my classroom," Scratch said.

Laughter. Laugh clown laugh. Stop.

"Ah, that's my bad. Just sorta mo - ah, lost mahself."

Slap goes the hand to a face. Eye dart. Why's Karkat's hand over his eye?

"At least you have half the sense to admit your fault," Scratch noted in a higher tone. Happy? Upset? Sarcastic? No face, no telling. Like a white mask. "Admirable, if not less assuring of your academic future. Now then, why not introduce yourself to everyone else?"

Laughter. Again. Why the laughing? What's the joke? Gamzee stood up from the desk, revealing his height. And there goes the fluttering in his stomach. Rubbing the back of the neck.

"I'm Gamzee Makara," he said. " Sorry 'bout before. Heh, I guess I'm just a normal troll."

"Then why the paint?" someone up front yelled.

Laughter. Oh come on. Never mock the sacred make up. Clear white and black tones on the gray skin. A perfect motherfucking mixture. Laughing once was enough. Ah well. No use in getting angry. Laugh with them. It doesn't hurt that bad.

"Ah, this? It's just - "

"Maybe he's a clown?" Gene.

"Sure, and maybe he's also a serial killer!" Another troll.

"Now that ain't right," he said. Narrow the brows. Not that hard to see them with the paint. "Ah don't do that s-stuff." No swearing in class. Remember the rules. "Ah just wear this 'cause I - "

"Feel like a loser?" another student called. Laughter followed.

"Perhaps there is a valid reason for Mister Makara's extreme display of facial rejection," Scratch stated. Now this was calm. "Perhaps it is a sensitive matter that requires absolute silence to speak about. And perhaps there are some of you in the class who find it rather amusing to be placed in detention on the first day of class."

Silence. 

"I trust that you all are responsible and mature enough to handle sensitive material in class. Otherwise, you would not be so rude as to interrupt Mister Makara's explanation."

Thank you, cueball. Cueball. Heh.

"Now then, you were saying, Mister Makara?"

"Thanks, and uh, right," Gamzee said. Man he owed him a thanks. He pointed his claws to his cheeks. "The paint's for the mo-magnificent messiahs, the makers of stardust and the fulfillers of truths, the speakers of the Vast Honk." The silence dragged on. Someone coughed. "It acts as a way to let me feel their moth-uh, I mean, their essence and miracles."

Scratch wrote something down. Mind tap. Nothing.

Nothing?

"That is all very interesting, Mister Makara," he said. Was it awe? No. Intrigue? Maybe. Rage? Definitely not. He nodded. "I do hope that these beliefs will not cause distraction in class. Or interfere with future class discussions."

"Ah, nah," he said. "Not unless y'wanna talk about it."

"I will keep that in mind. You may be seated."

Sit right back down. Take the last line as a personal preference rather an an insult. Wasn't the first time someone had to insult the motherfucking miracles of rap and wicked elixir. Also not gonna be the last. Whispers. Whispers of the hearts. Of the minds. Scared. Angry. Frightened. Happy? Another brother or sister? Oh, no wait, that's for the next student up. They're talking about flowers. Figured. Looks red. Or black. Go black or go home, dude.

Another student was up. Something about bad movies. Good thing John-bro wasn't here. Might start a fight. be kind of funny. Seeping into the thought cesspool again. Masochist motherfucker. Nah, didn't look the type to be. Oh, wait. That was directed to Scratch. Well. Black was the new white. Oh man tell that to Kar-bro the next chance. That is a good one. 

Next student. Black and white. Black and yellow. Yellow troll. Who was - oh wait it was - 

"Thollux Captor," the yellow troll responded. Adjust glasses. "Gueth you could thay I'm a computer perthon."

"Hmm, interesting," Scratch said. Again, sarcastic? No face. Poker-face. "I do remember another Captor that came through the school before." He heard him whisper shit. What shit? Oh, it was the word - "He was never in my classes, but from what I heard, he was quite the student."

"Wait, theriouthly?"

"From what I heard, he was the student who blew a hole in the second floor's science laboratory."

Laughter again. Man these guys never had a good laugh before. Slap sound. Eyes back. Sollux was groaning. Now his hand was on his face. Weird. Why imitate Kar-bro - oh wait nevermind. Motherfucking family business. Always the motherfucking family business.

"Yeah . . . that wath Mituna . . ." Sigh. Sink into the yellow. Red and blue behind it. Wow, both agreed. Not the best moment for either of them. Whisper. "I knew thith wath gonna be brought up . . . "

He sat down. Red and blue thoughts now. Mixture. Teacher hates you. No he doesn't. He mentioned Mituna. Doesn't mean anything. Just thinks that a hole will be blown in again. No. Yes. No. Yes. Shut up. Oh dear Gog shut up. Head to his forehead. Not this again. Gamzee rubbed his temple. There was the pain again. Real thought slushie. Kind of gross. This was why his mind was off limits. Among other ones.

"Karkat Vantas," Scratch stated. 

On command, the troll stood up. Man he was really short. Kind of cute. Arms crossed. Eyes darted to the left. All eyes on him. Questions already appearing. The swarm of thoughts scattered. Questionable thoughts. Pitiable thoughts. And snickering girls. Oh man, not again.

"I'm Karkat Vantas . . . "

Slow, sweet and sappy. Just like before. Man he seemed angry. Thoughts? 

"Ah, Mister Vantas," Scratch said lightly. Enthusiastic? Entrusting? Endearing? Or just messing with the class? Make up your mind, doc. Care to address this, Kar-bro? Not right now. Too far. Don't step on the line or your ass is grass. Ah Kar-bro, don't pout like that. "I had Kankri in my class a few years back. How is he doing?"

" . . . he's fine." 

Sour reply. Ah he touched the button. Oh hell this teacher. Already with the brother. No one likes being compared. Like looking at two apples and seeing the bruises on one. Wait, red apples? Biting them? Was he just hungry? . . . yeah, he missed breakfast. 

"Glad to hear."

"I'll tell him you said hi," he added. 

More thoughts poured in. Asskisser. Sourpuss. Mostly negative thoughts. No joke. Nothing else from Karkat. That mental wall. Completely impossible sometimes. And the hardened face. Already there. Like a statue. Stiff and stone. 

"Thank you, then. He was a model student, rather interested in the social activities of today's youth," Scratch said. Narrow eyes? Throw a troll a fucking bone here! What was the emotion? Where was the passion? Ah fuck it. "Is there anything you'd like to say about yourself to the class, Mister Vantas? Perhaps you share your brother's interests as well?"

"No." Nothing colorful there. No need. The thoughts were there again. More laughter from the girls in the front. Red and black. Pale maybe? No. Worse. Just calling him a - . Wait, that was not nice. Eyes narrowed. Why you. "And I don't really know what else to say."

"I'm positive you can think of something," Scratch stated. His tone changed to something far lighter. Oh now he changes. "Perhaps an interest, or a hobby? Anything will suffice, so long as it's legal and requires permission from an adult."

Gritting teeth. OH come on, Kar-bro, don't get that angry. Visible as hell. And the thoughts got turned up. Ah you fuckers can all go to hell. Stop saying that about him. Stop it. Look at him. He's not like that. Come off it. Shut up. That was unnecessary. And the headache. Again. Rub the temples. Ouch. 

"I . . . "

Cough. Scrunch face. Red flush. Getting deeper and deeper. Sinking deep.

" . . . watch . . . ro-mantic comedies."

Lower tone there. Eyes widen. The thoughts accelerate. The girls in the front laugh louder. Seriously? He said that? Oh man he looks like shit. Red faced. Red is for embarrassment. Someone laughs up front. Calls a pussy. Wow way to be mature. Clipboard scratching. Karkat sits. Flushed red face. Looks ready to burst. Stiff and stone. Oh man. Poor guy. 

Scratch says something. Demeaning. Or positive. Something about him being sensitive. Whatever. Learn from your own words. Look at him. Gamzee turned to face Karkat. Face on the desk. A stray mind. Built up walls. An iron-clad defense. 

That could have gone better. Ash. Pale. Scratch tap. Ash. Which now? Someone's standing. Black glare. Yellow and black, yellow, black, yellow, black, brown. Brown? Chocolate? Peanut butter? No.

"Oh, um . . . "

Wait, chocolate?

Brown?

"My, um . . . my, uh, n-name is . . . Tav-Tavros Nitram."

Gamzee turned to face the speaking troll behind Karkat. The troll's left hand gripped the right wrist.

"N-nice to, uh, meet all of you . . . "

And like that, the storm of the mind vanished. No clouds. No other minds. Nothing seeping. Just. Light. A breath of fresh air.

Rich dark hair moussed on top of a petite build. Licorice black jeans, logo of a circle and horns on his shirt in the same chocolate color, almost like icing. Pure silky gray skin. Dazzling, wide, sweet yellow eyes. Oh man those eyes. You could swim in them for-fucking-ever. That pure, innocent look. Oh god that look. It melts hearts. Keep it. Keep it up. Up on his head. His horns. Horns. Oh shit his horns looked big. Bull's horns. Least a few inches from each side of his head. Must have been hard to put on a shirt.

 No. Don't think that. His jaw had definitely dropped. Pull it up. Stop gaping.

"A pleasure to meet you, Mister Nitram." Scratch was talking again. Whatever. Concern. "Are you quite alright?"

"O-oh, u-uhuh," Tavros yelped. Oh god that was motherfucking adorable. He kept the grip up. "J-just, ah . . . a bit, nervous, I guess . . . "

"There is nothing to be nervous about, I can assure you." Lie. Judge. Seal the deal. Other minds. Creeping thoughts. Ah great the room had become a cesspool. He nodded twice, and the bull-horned troll nodded in return. Polite gesture. Better to obey the teacher. Oh man. "You can keep your details of yourself to the class short to prevent an unpleasant scene. If you would so like."

"Oh, uh, thanks," he nearly whispered. Yellow eyes on all. All eyes on him. Thoughts creeping up again. Cute. Cutie pie. Sweet baby. Dork. That was red. Yep, we get it Dave. Now shut up and let the rhymes bust free. "W-well, uh . . . I'm into, uh . . . g-games, and . . . stuff, and I, uh . . . "

"What kind of games?" a girl asked.

"O-oh, uh . . . "

"Maybe rhythm games?" another girl asked. The bee girl. 

"Or FPS?" a guy asked.

"W-well - "

Brown blush on his cheeks. Oh man even his flushing. Cute. Wait. No! _Blushing_! He meant _blushing_! Shit! _Honk!_

"I-I . . . s-sort of play, uh, RPGs . . ." he murmured. Grip tightened. Nervous wrenching up. Mumbling something else. Little fangs on the lip - oh okay that was it.

Damage was done. Chest pain. Gripping the shirt. Purple. Brown. Red. Heart. Heart. Be still the beating of my heart. Don't let anyone see the grip. Don't let yourself be revealed. Do not go gentle into that good day. The troll sat down after a moment. Gamer troll. RPGs? Maybe a LARPer? Those kinds of games? Oh man, the possibilities. The pesterlogs. The game. The playing. He had to talk to him. There went the heart. Heart beat. Don't fail me now. Don't fail. 

"Kar-bro, I think I just felt my heart take a fuckin' leap," he whispered to Karkat.

"What just happened?"

"I don't really know . . . It was like somethin' from a motherfuckin' anime, Kar-bro."

Eyes darted back to the now seated troll. Glowing in the light. Shimmering, splendid. This little troll. Gentle and calm. A new friend, maybe. A bull that was not raging. Like in one of those animes he'd seen before in stores. All that was missing was - . Wait. Those sparkles. 

"Wait, what are those things called?" He whispered to Karkat, letting his fingers dance. "They look like magic, or somethin'."

Silence. Red. No, black. Pale. Karkat's frown was definitely some shade of red. Just hard to tell with the teeth being bared.

" . . . said it before, and I'll say it again. I fucking give."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having way too much fun with this.  
> Again, I am trying to make my own alternate universe here, and my own use of these characters. Please give constructive criticism so I can fix things that need fixing.  
> Other than that, I hope you all enjoy!


	6. AT: sHOULDN'T TOOLS BE KEPT IN A SHED?

turntechGodhead [TG] has entered the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
TG: why the fuck are there two types of writing in that title  
TG: i thought we agreed that one of us would write the title from now on to avoid this confusin bullshit  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has entered the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
CG: BECAUSE THE TWO-TONED ASSHOLE IN CHARGE THIS TIME COULDN'T PICK BETWEEN ONE THING THAT SOUNDED SIMILAR TO ANOTHER WORD, OR SOMETHING THAT WAS A FUCKING PUN FOR A FUCKING MOVIE NO ONE HERE HAS SEEN. SO I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO AID HIM IN HIS TIME OF NEED. AND TO TAKE REVENGE ON THAT MASSIVE BACK-BREAKING TRAP I WAS GIVEN EARLIER TODAY.  
CG: THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY.  
twinArmageddons [TA] has entered the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
TA: no, that i2 NOT the whole 2tory, kk.  
TA: ii had the thiing 2et, then you came out of fuckiing nowhere and ju2t added the la2t part when iit wa2 2et for previiew.  
TG: karkat how could you do such a thing  
TG: might need to revoke my friendship status with you  
CG: WHAT?!  
TA: two clo2e two gettiing off ea2y, dave.  
TA: ii 2ay . . .   
TA: make hiim pay . . .  
TG: dont say it dude i got the pun from here and the joke is as old as that show it came from  
TA: who the fuck 2aiid ii wa2 jokiing?!  
CG: OKAY, SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC, STRIDER. DON'T YOU DARE PULL THAT FUCKING CARD WITH ME! AND I FOR ONE THINK THIS IS SOMEWHAT TOLERABLE COMPARED TO THE FESTERING PIECE OF SHIT YOU WROTE BEFORE, SOLLUX. SERIOUSLY, "2TRATEGIIES FOR ZARDOZ"? WAS THAT LITERALLY THE BEST FUCKING THING YOU COULD MUSTER FROM YOUR SPONGE OF A BRAIN?!   
TA: ii'd 2ay do one better, kk, but whoop2, you already went and diid JU2T that.  
TA: "2trategiie2 and tragediie2" . . . it 2ound2 like we're goiing two 2urrender two ag whiile you re2iite some of the chee2ie2t diialogue you can mu2ter from 2hakespeare!  
CG: AT LEAST I *UNDERSTAND* SHAKESPEARE, UNLIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER READ AN ACTUAL TRAGEDY, UNLESS YOU COUNT YOUR OWN ENTRIES ON THAT ELECTRONIC DIARY BLOG YOU KEEP!  
TG: okay ouch  
TG: and wtf is zardoz  
TA: ...you wiill take that back, kk. ii am u2iing all of my fuckiing 2trength 2 bee calm here, and not bla2t a hole iin my computer...  
TA: and it'2 an underrated ma2terpiiece, damn iit!  
CG: IT'S A *PIECE*, ALRIGHT.  
TA: liike your 'pre2iou2' rom-com2?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST TYPE?!  
TG: comon guys it was funny before but this is really startin to kill the vibe  
TG: and i have my finger on the ban button to make sure you guys dont have another hiroshima sized falling out like last time  
TG: still having ptsd induced nightmares from that shit especially from the webcam chats karkat and i had because he needed jam sessions  
TG: like something out of a lifetime movie only with way more waterworks and emotional jamming  
CG: THAT NEVER HAPPENED.   
TG: that was fast  
CG: AND I AM SAYING THAT NEVER HAPPENED. YOU'RE DELUSIONAL. AND MAYBE I WAS DELUSIONAL AT THE TIME AS WELL. ALL I REMEMBER WAS US MAKING UP AFTER ANOTHER OF OUR POINTLESS ARGUMENTS. NOTHING MORE. NOTHING LESS. NOTHING HAPPENED.  
TG: and i thought de-nile was a river in egypt  
CG: FUCK YOU!  
TA: geez tho2e 2e22iion2 were me22ed up...2ure they helped but there wa2 a lot of...  
TA: iim ju2t...gonna u2e the word 'ten2iion'.  
TG: especially that one with karkat crying and saying that stuff about you and him in the third grade  
CG: THAT. NEVER. HAPPENED.  
TG: tell that to my webcam records  
TA: yeah...let'2 not go back 2 that one, okay?  
TG: yeah  
TG: so  
TG: think you guys can kiss and make up already  
CG: DOES EVERYTHING YOU SAY HAVE TO LEAD BACK TO INNUENDO AT EVERY FUCKING TURN AND ANGLE?!  
CG: ...  
TG: ...  
TA: ...  
CG: ...  
CG: UGH . . . FOR THE LOVE OF - ALRIGHT . . . IF THAT REALLY WILL HELP THINGS . . . OKAY . . .  
CG: SOLLUX, I AM SORRY I WAS A MASSIVE DOUCHE, AND I AM ALSO SORRY FOR CHANGING THE TITLE OF THIS SHITTY MEMO. WE CAN WORK OUT FURTHER DETAILS ON WHO WAS THE BIGGER SACK OF HORSESHIT LATER VIA WEBCAM, BUT FOR NOW, LET'S LEAVE IT AT 60-40 WITH ME AS THE BIGGER ASSHAT, AND GET BACK TO OUR STRATEGY BEFORE THIS LEANING TOWER OF MISTAKES FALLS ON US AGAIN.  
TA: ...  
TG: now was that so hard dude  
TA: well ... iit really wa2 more my bad, kk. iim 2orry two.  
CG: YEAH, WELL . . . I . . . THINK IT TAKES A BIG TROLL TO  
TA: ... ah fuck iit.  
TA: iits really 50-50.  
CG: EVERY. SINGLE. *FUCKING*. TIME! WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME, YOU ASSHOLES?!  
TG: and swing an a miss  
terminallyCapricious [TC] has entered the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
TC: sUp MoThErFuCkErS?  
TC: uHhHh . . . WhAt ThE mOtHeRfUcK dId I jUsT eNtEr?  
CG: NOTHING!  
TG: just gonna get past this before it gets raw again  
TA: perfect tiimiing, gz. now we can get 2tarted.  
TC: LoOkEd MoRe LiKe YoU aNd KaRbRo WeRe 'BoUt To ThRoWdOwN...  
TA: yeah, let2 ju2t pretend that never happened okay?  
TC: aLrIgHt ... BuT nOnE 'o ThAt ShIt HeRe NoW. wE aRe AlL a CoLlEcTiVe GrOuP oF rIcHeOuS mOtHeRfUcKeRs!  
TC: We ArE rEaDy To KiCk AsS aNd ChEw So MuCh MoThErFuCkInG gUm ThAt It TuRnS tO mAgIc In OuR mOuThS wHeN wE tHrOw It On OuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg EnemIeS iN oUr BlAzIn' GlOrY!  
TG: holy shit man i am so pumped right now  
TG: i have a new jam for just this occasion hold on  
TA: ii re2pect the enthu2iia2m, but ii reject the actiion.  
CG: NOW WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE! THANK FUCKING GOD!  
CG: STILL, GAMZEE, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ABOUT TEN TO FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO! YOU GET SIDETRACKED BY A NEW HORROR MOVIE OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT? OR FALL OUT OF YOUR DESK CHAIR AGAIN?  
TA: heheh  
CG: WHAT?  
TA: nothiing.  
TC: uHhH ...  
CG: FUCK THIS . . . JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE, YOU JUGGALO ASSHOLE.  
TC: WeLl, Ya'Ll KnOw 'BoUt ThAt NeW gUy In ClAsS?   
TG: youre gonna have to be more specific than that because i have no idea who you mean   
TA: ii'll admiit, ii have no iidea eiither.   
TC: hE's ThE tRoLl WhO hAd ThOsE rIcHeOuSlY bIg HoRnS. HiS nAmE wAs TaVrOs.   
TG: oh the guy who stuttered   
TA: why diid you fo2u2 on the 2peech iimpediiment?   
TG: when do you care   
CG: HOW DOES THAT TIE INTO YOUR ANSWER, GAMZEE?  
TC: WeLl, I hAd A sIcK jAm SeSsIoN wItH hIm AfTeR cLaSs, AnD hE sAiD hE wAs GetTiNg InTo TuRn-BaSeD gAmEs AnD sHiT, sO wE uP aNd SwApPeD pEsTeRnAmEs FoR gAmE cHaTtInG aNd StUfF. i WaS jUsT cHatTiNg It Up WiTh ThE mOThErFuCkEr.  
TA: hehehe   
TC: WhAt?   
TA: ju2t you guy2 today.   
CG: OH MY GOG, THIS IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS . . .   
TC: UhHh ...   
TG: thats cute really man   
TG: in a creepy clowny sort of way   
TC: NoT sUrE hOw To ReSpOnD hErE, mOtHeRfUcKeRs...   
CG: HOW ABOUT RESPONDING WITH "SORRY FOR BEING LATE", AND "LET'S GET ON WITH THE STRATEGY MEETING ALREADY" BEFORE SOMEONE LOSES THEIR SHIT?!   
TC: No CaN dO, kArBrO. i GoTtA wAiT fOr TaVbRo.   
CG: YOU CAN OPEN TWO MEMOS AT ONCE, ASSHOLE. YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE IN MATCHES, REMEMBER?   
TG: wait did he just call him   
TC: NaH, kArBrO. i'M wAiTiNg FoR hIm HeRe. ThInK iT'lL bE aLrIgHt?   
TC: :0)   
TA: weren't you ju2t me22agiing hiim? dear gog be 2pe2iifiic...  
TC: I mEaN hE's CoMiNg To ThIs MeMo. SoRrY, mOtHeRfUcKeRs! I gOtTa WoRk On ThAt.   
TA: wait what the FUCK did you do   
CG: GAMZEE. FUCKING. MAKARA.   
TG: you did not   
TC: HuH?  
TG: force the poor asshole to come here   
TC: nAh, MaN, hE sAiD hE rEaLlY wAnTeD tO gEt InTo ThIs GaMe, So I gAvE hIm ThE mEmO nAmE aNd PaSsWoRd.  
CG: WHEN. THE FUCK. DID YOU DO THAT.  
TC: A fEw MiNuTeS aGo. :0)  
CG: . . .  
TG: . . . what  
TA: . . . ju2t . . . takiing 2ome deep breath2 . . .  
TC: WhAt?  
TA: ju2t tryiing not to explode now ...  
CG: DLKMFVN LFNBMX,N SX  
TG: ah not again  
TA: ju2t deep breath2 kk. dont wreck the keyboard agaiin.  
TG: gamzee dawg i respect you wanna invite others here  
TG: but wtf are you thinkin  
TG: the guy could be a spy for vriska or somethin and youre just gonna invite him over like its a playdate  
TG: seriously man read the mood  
TA: ah 2hiit ii 2ee a new name on the 2iide. mu2t be gz's pal.   
CG: GAMZEE . . . IF I SEE YOU . . . WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS . . . OR LESS . . . SO FUCKING *HELP* ME . . .   
TA: ii'm lettiing hiim iin.   
TG: welp this outta be fun as a dentist appt   
TC: Ah Ya'Ll ArE bEiNg ToO mOtHeRfUcKiNg JuDgY. yOu'Ll LiKe HiM. tRuSt Me! :0)   
adiosToreador [AT] has entered the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
TC: SuP mOtHeRfUcKeR!   
AT: hEY AGAIN, uHH, gAMZEE,,,aND THE OTHERS HERE,,,  
TA: hey   
AT: sORRY, wAS i INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?   
CG: ONCE AGAIN, NO. PERFECT TIMING, ACTUALLY. THE FIRST PERSON HERE WHO *INTERRUPTED* WAS GAMZEE, AND EVEN THEN HE ONLY STOPPED AN INEVITABLE TURRENT OF VERBAL ONSLAUGHT AND SHITFLINGING. AND NOW HERE YOU ARE TO STOP ANOTHER NONSENSICAL TRAIN OF BULLSHIT. I'D USE HIS NONSENSICAL PHRASING TO ADDRESS THE SERIOUS NATURE HERE, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO TYPE THAT SHIT WORD ANYTIME SOON. I'D SAY THAT IS PRETTY PERFECT FUCKING TIMING.   
CG: SO NO, YOU'RE NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.   
AT: oKAY,,,i GUESS,,,?   
TG: oh my god   
TC: aH tHaT's JuSt KaRbRo. LiKe I tOlD yOu, He'S tOtAlLy FuCkIn' HaRmLeSs.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING HIM?!   
AT: hE, uHH, tOLD ME HOW YOU GUYS ARE, kINDA COOL,,,aND THAT YOU, tO QUOTE gAMZEE, 'rAVAGE SO MUCH SHIT EVERY TIME YOU PLAY',   
TA: not the way mo2t people 2ee iit, but 2ure, ii gue22 you could 2ee iit that way.   
TA: and 2iin2e you're u2iing real name2, then ii gue22 we can drop them two. ii'm 2ollux.   
AT: nICE TO, uM, mEET YOU, i WISH IT WAS IN REAL LIFE, bUT, i GUESS WE CAN DO THAT, lATER   
TG: seriously is this how the guy types  
TA: the red text ii2 dave. all you have two know about hiim ii2 that he ii2 a priick.   
TG: you know you love me   
TA: about a2 much a2 a dog love2 two be neutered.   
TC: HeHeHeH, mOrBiD aS fUcK.   
TG: zing   
CG: SO, *TAVROS*, IS IT?  
AT: uHH, yES. aND YOU, mUST BE kARKAT, rIGHT? gAMZEE TOLD ME ABOUT YOU FIRST, wHICH THERE WAS, uHH, A LOT TO TELL ME.  
CG: YES. NICE TO MEET YOU, I GUESS. SORRY ABOUT THE BURST BEFORE, AND WE CAN GO OVER WHAT HE TOLD YOU LATER.   
CG: BUT AS MUCH AS IT FUCKING HURTS, YOU MAY WANNA GET OUT OF THIS MEMO BEFORE SHIT HITS THE FAN AND TURNS INTO EVISCERATED ORGANS AND CANNONFODDER. SURE THIS PLACE SEEMS CALM, BUT COME THIRTY MINUTES FROM NOW, IT'LL BECOME A FUCKING BATTLEFIELD. ONE THAT TENDS TO SEPARATE AND HURT PEOPLE MORE THAN BRING THEM TOGETHER.  
CG: AND YOU MAY GET YOUR HEAD BITTEN OFF IN A CERTAIN *SOMEONE'S* INEVITABLE RAGE RANTS . . .  
TA: take my word for iit.  
CG: OKAY YOU GET THAT ONE.  
AT: oH WOW. tHAT BAD, hUH?  
TG: is no one gonna say it  
TC: sAy WhAt NoW?   
AT: uM, sAY WHAT?  
TG: ok you asked so im gonna be blunt  
TG: you type like a total tool dude  
AT: oKAY,,,i'M, uH, nOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT,,, sHOULDN'T TOOLS BE KEPT IN A SHED? aND, uH, i'M A TROLL, sO,,,  
TG: oh my fuckin god  



	7. AT: i, aSSURE YOU, i AM NOT A DORK,,,

TC: hE's NoT wRoNg 'BoUt ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShEd.  
TA: come on dave, don't hara22 the new guy. that'2 u2ually ag'2 job.  
TG: no way man when opportunity knocks grab it by the horns  
TA: ugh...  
AT: uHH,,,  
CG: JUST.   
CG: GOING TO GO AHEAD.   
CG: AND SAY.   
CG: WE MOVE ON.   
TG: hold up karkat i wanna ask the new guy something   
AT: uHH, aSK ME WHAT?   
TC: AsK wHaT?  
TA: you are not goiing 2 2ay that. do not do iit dude.   
AT: sAY WHAT? sHOULD i, uHH, bE WORRIED, oR, sCARED, oR SUSPICIOUS?   
CG: WHAT YOU SHOULD FEEL IS ABSOLUTE DISGUST.   
CG: HE'S ABOUT TO PULL ONE OF THE DUMBEST FUCKING MOVES HE'S DONE TO THE REST OF US. WITH MIXED RESULTS, MIGHT I ADD.   
AT: wELL, tHAT'S, uMM, rEASSURING,,,   
TC: wHaT wAs So BaD? i DoN't ReMeBeR wHaT hE aSkEd Me.   
TA: iignoran2e and empty miind2 mu2t bee a blii22.   
TC: . . .   
TG: ok new guy i just have a simple question for ya you can take your time with this one   
TG: i am now holding the keys to your future with us in this game consider it initiation into the collective ensemble of people we have here today before you  
TG: all you have to do is answer correctly and you can go home rich as fuck or poor as shit   
TA: fuck the 2peech, dave, and get on wiith iit!   
TG: ok you ready tav   
AT: oKAY THEN, i WILL, uHH, aNSWER WITH THE, uTMOST IN HONESTY, aND, sPEAKING OF, sPEAKING HONESTLY, yOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME 'tAV', jUST 'tAVROS', iS FINE,,,   
TG: too bad youre tav now   
AT: oH,,,oKAY THEN, wHICHEVER YOU PREFER,   
CG: WOULD YOU CUT THE SHITTY SIDE TALK AND GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT?!   
TG: yeah yeah dont get your collective panties in a wad guys i got this you ready tav   
AT: uHH, yES,   
TG: alright then imagine the collective lights have just dimmed we are now sittin in the million dollar question chair from that one show no one watches   
TG: and just for the sake of ratings cause of how goddamn boring the show has been before im gonna rap out the riddle and make it so fucking richeous that you will have no choice but to answer me in turn   
CG: AUGH!   
TC: AhHh YeAh MoThErFuCkEr! SlAy AwAy!   
TA: and the 2tupiidiity meter ju2t went up.   
AT: oH, rEALLY? tHAT'S, aCTUALLY OKAY BY ME,   
AT: i'M OKAY WITH A GOOD JAM, wELL, sO LONG AS IT'S NOT, uHH, iNAPPROPRIATE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,,,  
TG: i make no promises   
TG: and maybe we can crank out some dope shit later but right now im the one directing the quiz show youre the recipient of my sick flames and my rapid shot words   
TC: AnY cHaNcE i CaN gEt In On ThIs MoThErFuCkInG sEsSiOn? :0)   
TG: sure clown you bring the magic ive got the fires  
TA: ju2t rap the riiddle already you red tiinted priick!   
TA: ii'm not intwo rappiing a2 much a2 you guy2, 2o the 2ooner ii can read iit and bee gone the better.   
CG: DAVE, AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO SAY IT, I HAVE TO AGREE WITH SOLLUX. GET THE *FUCK* ON WITH IT!   
TA: flu2hed for you two, kk.   
twinArmageddons [TA]  is now idle.   
AT: wAIT, wHAT?   
TG: just ignore the old married couple in the back man now focus on me   
AT: kIND OF, hARD TO IGNORE THAT,,,   
AT: bUT, OKAY THEN,  
TG: now listen as i lay some lyrical justice on you shatterin your mind into not one shard but two   
TG: the schism between them will be the barrier in stride and be filled with more shit than Vader on the sith side   
TG: you can call me either the king or the winner doesnt matter much cause im the hip spinner   
TG: both under the sheet out in the street leaving the imprints of my opponents on the concrete  
CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD . . .   
TC: BrInGiN' iT rIgHt On DoWn InTo ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg GrOuNd!   
TG: with me there is no other con-test im used to being number one the best   
TG: that there ever had been was or is let you be taken over by my words and the quiz   
TG: ultimate is who i am forever a mys-te-ry letting you be clogged down by mi-se-ry   
twinArmageddons [TA] is no longer idle.   
TA: ii come back from gettiing a 2oda and he'2 2tiill doiing thii2 2hiit?   
CG: JUST . . . I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD . . .   
TG: mentally i am never gonna stop letting the words and the rhythm get set to drop   
TG: like your jaws on the floor now bringin it down to my level so keep guessing on  
TG: who   
TG: am   
TG: I   
TC: Oh HeLl YeAh! ThAt WaS sOmE sIcK sHiT, dAvEbRo! NeVeR bEfOrE hAvE i HeArD sIcKeR bEaTs!   
adiosToreador [AT]  has become idle.   
TG: ah shit i think i zapped the new guy into a state of shock   
CG: OR HE WANTED TO BAIL FROM ANOTHER CONSEQUENTIAL AND INEVITABLE STRAIN OF SENSELESS BULLSHIT IN THE FORM OF YOUR SHIT-FIRES. DO YOU EVER CONSIDER HOW BAD YOUR SHITTY RAPS ARE, STRIDER, OR ARE YOU PERPETUALLY STUCK IN THAT BUBBLE OF PERSONAL INFLATION KNOWN AS YOUR OWN FUCKING EGO?!   
TG: sorry cant hear you over the sick fires i just started   
TG: i mean i heard your bitching about them but everything else was a blur  
TA: oh 2nap.   
CG: NOT. FUCKING. HELPING. SOLLUX.   
TG: and that was the better jam i cranked out this week   
TG: pretty good if i say so myself but i know i can do way better than that   
TC: YoU gOt ThE fIeRy SpIrIt Of ThE mIrThFuL mEsSiAhS, mOtHeRfUcKeR!   
TC: :0)   
TA: then go do iit off of the2e memo2. not the fiir2t tiime ii've had two era2e 2ome of your bull2hiit rhyme2 from the2e.  
TG: you didnt do it last time   
TA: ii had to take care of 2omethiing. not iimportant.  
CG: NO, IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. IT NEVER WAS. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT WE GET BACK TO WHAT WE ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS FUCKING MEMO TO DO: GO OVER SOME SORT OF STRATEGIC OPERATION TO STOP VRISKA FROM CRITICALLY WOUNDING AND FUCKING US ON THE BATTLEFIELD.   
CG: WE HAVE BEEN SO FAR FUCKING DERAILED FROM THE TOPIC HERE THAT WE HAVE SPUN OUT INTO SHIT STORM TERRITORY AND IT IS BEARING DOWN ON US IN TURRENTS OF BOTH BULL AND SHIT.   
TG: and gross   
TA: iin of whiich ca2e, ii blame you.   
CG: WAIT, WHY BLAME *ME*?!   
TA: oh ii don't know, kk, how about the fact that you changed the name of the fuckiing memo in the FIIR2T place?!   
TA: you jiinxed u2 wiith your 2tupiid controlliing complex, you criim2on fucker!   
CG: HEY, I AM NOT CONTROLLING, NOR DID I JYNX US, YOU GINORMOUS HETERO-CHROMATIC ASSFUCKER!   
TG: ok guys comon this is still not funny   
TC: aHh CoMe On NoW, yOu TwO. cAn'T wE aLl JuSt Up AnD tAkE a MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl PiLl?   
adiosToreador [AT]  is no longer idle.   
AT: sORRY ABOUT THAT, i HAD TO, uHH, aSK SOMEONE ABOUT THE RIDDLE,,,  
TG: oh shit youre still alive   
AT: wELL, yES, i AM,   
TA: wor2t po22iible fuckiing tiimiing.   
AT: oKAY, NOW I KNOW I JUST, uMM, wALKED INTO SOMETHING,,,   
CG: AGAIN, NO. YOU DID NOT. LET'S DROP THIS PORTION OF THE STUPID CONVERSATION AND MOVE ON.   
TA: hey, thii2 ii2 not over, kk!   
CG: OVER MY DEAD BODY IT IS!   
TA: that can bee arranged!   
AT: iS THIS WHAT I, uHH, tHINK IT IS?   
TC: ThEy'Re BlAcKeR tHaN tHe DaRkEsT uMbRa Of ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg CrOwN jEwElS. pReTtY gReAt BuT iT's KiNdA hArD tO wAtCh SoMeTiMeS.   
TG: took the words right from my mouth clown   
CG: I AM NOT WAXING BLACK FOR HIM!   
TA: there ii2 no way iin hell ii am black for hiim.   
AT: yOU KNOW, dENIAL IS THE FIRST THING PEOPLE, uHH, tEND TO GO TO FOR BLACK ROMANCE,  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?!   
AT: oHH, uHH, i KNOW FROM, kOKOSEI MO, tSURETA KOI,,,  
TC: uHhH...   
AT: tHE MAIN CHARACTER, hATO, wAS IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS BLACK FEELINGS, wELL NOT FOR LONG, aCTUALLY, bECAUSE HE DID ADMIT HE HATED HANAMI, bUT, sTILL,,,  
CG: . . .   
TG: so this story   
TG: is it one of those japanese comics or one of those light novels i heard about   
AT: bOTH, aCTUALLY, bUT i JUST HAVE THE LIGHT NOVEL,  
TC: oHhH ... nEvEr HeArD oF It.  
TG: ahahahahaha!   
TG: oh my god youre a total dork   
AT: i, uHH, aSSURE YOU, i AM NOT A DORK,,,   
TG: whatever you say man   
TA: huh. not the re2pon2e ii wa2 expectiing, but ii gue22 you could piick that up from a liight novel.   
CG: WELL OF COURSE YOU CAN! YOU CAN PICK UP ANY SORT OF ROMANCE IN ANY NOVEL, GIVE OR TAKE THE GENRE OR INTENDED AUDIENCE.  
TA: gue22 that wa2 al2o how you piicked iit up two, kk.   
CG: OH YOU CAN GO PSI-BLAST YOURSELF INTO NEXT WEEK FOR THAT!   
TA: gonna take that a2 a ye2.   
AT: aND, uHH, aSIDE FROM THAT, i, hAVE THE ANSWER TO THE, rAPPING RIDDLE,  
TG: oh man i almost forgot about that shit   
TA: ii wa2 hopiing you'd forgotten completely.   
TG: you still wanna take a crack at it tav   
AT: sURE, iF THAT'S OKAY,,,nOW, i HOPE i'M NOT WRONG, bUT i ASKED MY bROTHER, aND, i HAD TO CONFER WITH MY MOM, sO i HOPE i'M RIGHT,  
AT: sORRY, iT'S A RIDDLE, rIGHT?,,,   
TG: yes it is now whats your answer   
AT: wELL, uHH, lIKE i SAID, iT'S A RIDDLE,,,  
TG: a pretty hard one and in my sick jams no less so itll probably be harder to decipher so whats your final answer   
AT: bUT, iT'S A RIDDLE, tHE ANSWER IS, i MEAN,,,   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE PAINFUL TO WATCH. STRIDER, JUST STOP. PLEASE.   
TA: dave. dude. 2top fuckiing wiith the poor guy.   
TC: Oh, I gOt It!   
TG: heh sorry i love that one a bit too much   
AT: i, i'M SORRY, i THINK i MUST HAVE, uHH, mISTYPED SOMETHING, OR,,,  
TG: nah its cool the answer to the riddle is riddle   
TG: and the fact that you figured it out is a riddle in itself since a riddle is meant to have an answer but this one had itself as an answer   
TG: sort of ironic if you ask me   
CG: ALMOST RETARDED IF YOU ASK ME.   
TA: double for me.   
CG: I'LL GIVE YOU THAT ONE.   
AT: sO, i GOT IT RIGHT?   
TG: as sure as we are still gonna jam later   
TC: sIgn Me Up! I aM aLwAyS dOwN fOr SpItTiNg SoMe MoThErFuCkInG rHyMeS!   
AT: oH, wOW! i, dON'T THINK I CAN WAIT FOR THAT THEN, cOLOR ME, mORE THAN EXCITED,   
TG: lets get started then i can feel the flow of my jams already  
TG: take it away clown ill follow suit with the new guy  
TC: yEaH!   
TA: nope. you guy2 can do that 2hiit.   
TA: ii'm out of here biitche2.  
twinArmageddons [TA]  has left the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
TG: wow that was fast   
CG: . . .   
AT: nO JOKE,,,   
TC: wAnNa StIcK aRoUnD, kArBrO?   
CG: . . . I HAVE DIGNITY, YOU KNOW. AND I WOULD STICK AROUND, BUT I HAVE A STRATEGY TO MAP OUT FOR OUR NEXT MATCH AGAINST VRISKA. UNLIKE SOME OF YOU FUCKERS I ACTUALLY *WANT* TO SEE HER EAT HER OWN WORDS AND KISS THE GROUNDS AT OUR FEET INSTEAD OF THE OTHER FUCKING WAY AROUND! SO NO, I WILL NOT BE STICKING AROUND!   
CG: PESTER ME AGAIN WHEN I GIVE ANYTHING RESEMBLING A FUCK.   
TG: can do princess   
CG: FUCK YOU, TOO, STRIDER. AND NICE TO MEET YOU, TAVROS.   
AT: pLEASURE, i GUESS,  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has left the memo "2trategiie2  and TRAGEDIES."  
AT: sHOULD i, uHH, bE UPSET THAT WE, gOT THEM TO LEAVE?   
TG: nah all our memos go like this every now and again some times they just fuck off for no reason   
TG: other times they log off early after a ridiculously long red clawed black fight arguments or some shit   
TG: usually leaves me the odd man out with gamzee and his clowning shtick to clean up the pieces   
TG: makin me take on the role of emotional janitor of all things   
AT: wOW,,, dOESN'T THAT, hURT?   
TG: ive gotten used to it at this point   
TG: and they dont seem to have major fallouts anymore so i guess its all chill   
TG: now enough talking lets start rapping   
TC: oH yEaH!   
AT: aLRIGHT THEN, }:)   
TC: sEe? I tOlD yOu YoU'd LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR!   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The previous Notes keep jumping around for some reason, so that will be something I will be trying to fix from now on. So, I'm going to keep doing what I am doing and enjoy what I am writing.  
> Please be constructive in criticism and please tell me if that pesky note keeps appearing! Thank you!  
> Again, Hussie owns Homestuck, I just do this for fun.


	8. Only giirl2 and weeaboo tra2h could liike them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be another sort of pseudo-chapter. Expect more in the future. Again, I just own my writing style and my humor. Thanks for reading!

_SLAP!_

The fourth day of the first junior high school year.

Adjustment process: somewhat successful, no bullying yet for the lisp. Just wait though, it'll come back with a vengeance. And the progress of adjustment was also depending on how this headache had been brewing. That massive and  _oh-so-pleasant_ conversation with Karkat the day prior was not helping, either.

"Stupid controlling complex".

"Heterochromatic assfucker".

They still cut pretty deep.

KK had definitely not changed over the summer. Still angry, still easily explosive, and still just as easy to mess with in the mornings. With the same quality in insults. Joy. It was a wonder how he could still converse with the troll and not have something . . . well, then again, he hadn't changed much, himself. And he knew that. He also knew one other thing: this was not, nor would it ever be, the last time he would argue with KK. 

The only question was whether he'd make the next stupid move, or if KK would. Then again - 

_SLAP!_

He shook his head. Stop thinking about that and get back to the lines. Can't get too emotional on this thing.

So. Weather: Actually tolerable, despite the pollen count. Stupid sinuses. Warm, but actually nice enough to not wear that stupid yellow jacket his mom bought him. Adequate.

Note to self: get rid of that damned bee jacket. Just tell mom it got lost in some sort of pile in his room. It was way too embarrassing to wear now. 

Primary assessment: Thursdays still suck ass. Even with better aspects.

Sollux continued to type in streams of text on his phone. The electronic entry to the site seemed more enticing than yesterday's, yet it was dripping with . . . Something.

With what, Sollux couldn't tell. Was it his usual brand of sarcasm? Or was it disgust from that argument with Karkat and Dave? Perhaps it was - no the anger and disgust seemed more like it.

Yeah. Let's go with that for now. 

He reread the lines. Looked good so far. Wait. Typo, line five. He zoomed in, and started correcting the mistake. One error in text always leads to trouble. Had before. Could happen again. His eyes traced the lines of words. Yep, perfect now. Nothing out of place. Everything was in perfect balance. 

_SLAP!_

There it was again. Gog damn it. For the past ten fucking minutes he had heard that sound. Just ignore it. Just ignore it. Sollux narrowed his eyes as he tried to type in another line of words. Just stay focused and - fuck it. What is making that damned sound?

He turned around, leaving his phone on his lap. 

Two desks down was the familiar steer-horned troll, gently and swiftly organizing some ornate cards on the desk in an oblong pattern. Battle strategy, from the looks of it. One that focused way too damn much on defense. Putting the tank behind the healer was not a smart move. And those lines were automatically going to be killed in any match with those - wait . . . no, wait . . . it was - 

The narrow of his eyes faded with into disappointment. This was the troll GZ invited to be their new friend. And the one he - well, should he really be using that word so lightly? Not really. Don't use that word so lightly. But then again, he did seem to have that sort of feeling about that troll, and it could be said that he wanted something like that with him . . . although what said troll was doing now was far more than acceptable.

Stop the madness.

"Ith that what I think it ith, TR?"

Yellow met red and blue glass in an instant.

"Umm . . . yes . . . i - it is, actually." The troll paused and looked about for a second before looking back at Sollux. "W - why did you . . . c - call me 'TR'?"

He kept staring. "Your name'th 'Tavroth', so . . . TR."

"O - Okay then . . . " 

The silence that followed was suffocating.

"You thill play that Fiduththpawn thit?"

Tavros slid the cards back into his pocket at a pace that would make a snail a winner. 

"N - not really . . . I - I just like the designs . . . "

He felt his face fall. Wow. For once, Dave really was onto something when he said this guy was a total dork. 

"Yeah, and I'm not legally blind without my glatheth," he said. He adjusted said glasses lightly. This kid. He had to be told sooner or later. He had to have some truth slammed into his head. And it was probably better that he lay it on him rather than KK."TR, bro, that game ith marketed and designed for the matheth. The attackth are thit, the thpecth are all the thame, their evoluthion mechanicth are thomewhat actheptable but thtill not worth it, and thothe picth are drawn tho weirdly that only girlth and weeaboo trath could like them."

"I take offense to that last comment!" 

Head cock. 

"No one athed you, Mike!"

Turn back.

"Ignore that. Point ith, it thuckth."

"I - I don't think so . . . a - and I like the design of MerPony . . . "

He felt his eye twitch. 

"MerPony? Theriouthly?" he hissed. "Weak. Ath. Thit. It'th evolved form ith way thronger."

"Ouch . . . " Tavros whimpered. "Th - that's a rough opinion . . ."

"Opinionth are opinionth, dude. I jutht think thith game thuckth hard dick. Even the virtual oneth."

"That's, uhh, a bit harsh . . . don't you think?"

His fingers were still pressed together like a spade. Good thing KK wasn't around. He sighed and adjusted himself in the chair. 

"Nope. Gameth play like thit."

"N - not even the most r - recent ones?"

"No new ideath, no new gameplay techniqueth," Sollux stated flatly. "Tho yeah, total thit."

"W - why are you s - so adament about h - hating Fidusspawn? Y - you seem t - to know a lot ab - out it, too. N - not that . . ." The smaller troll pressed his forefingers and thumbs together, like he was working against some sort of glass force field. It was just as sad to look at the falling bull as much as it was to hear his falling voice. "N - not that I'm trying t - to change your mind, or anything, but . . . "

Sollux felt a yawn escape. No way he'd get through to this guy. No chance in Tartarus or in any form of fake Heaven. 

"Jutht thay it, TR."

"H - huh?"

"You know, uthually thomeone like you hath that big routhing thpeecth to give me about your pathion, and how I have no right to meth with it," he grumbled as he eyes rolled. "That the montherth are actually cool, and the picth are thomehow the greatetht thing thinthe thlithed bread and how you're gonna punth my fathe in if I meth with it again and thay the main characterth a prick."

Tavros flickered his eyes a few times before he pursed his lip. "W - why - ?"

" 'cauthe KK gave me the thame thpeech about hith rom-comth."

"Okay then."

No stuttering. Progress achieved. 

"I remember h - him saying that on the first day . . . does he really watch them?" Tavros asked, flicking a corner of a card in his pocket.

"Yeth," Sollux said. "All. The. Time."

"And I prefer you not spread that sensitive information around!" 

Karkat, right on time, slid between the trolls and sat down at his desk. He laid a marked and tattered book on the desk while grumbling something under his breath about more things being spread. Sollux made a face. Here he went again. Going into his lightly agitated mode so he could read without interruption. And this time it was personal.

"Ah come on, KK, Mr. Scratch made you thay that day damn one," Sollux groaned. "No uthe in denying it when everyone heard you thay it."

"I never said that."

Sollux had to groan at that.

"De-ni-al." Dave sat down nearby, smirking. His bag was near his feet, with something bulky in it. His feet were perched on the desk without regard of dirt or marks. He snorted and added, "Not just another river."

"Oh, um, you're D - dave, right?" Tavros asked. His finger fiddling was now hidden behind Karkat, but Sollux could feel it increase. "N - nice to see you i - in person . . ."

"Likewise, dork."

"I - I'm not a - "

"Go shove your head into a locker and slam it shut, Strider," Karkat grumbled. His head was already placed in the book. "Do us all a favor."

"I'm torn, Kitkat," Dave mocked. The smirked remained, much to Tavros' obvious newfound glee. Sollux snorted. This was always the best part. It was useless, but it was always the best part. "You'd rather have me degrade myself than hang with you. I am hurt, really, man."

No noise, just the sound of Karkat's breathing and the pages flipping. Ignorance. Complete and utter ignorance.

Dave's face dropped the smirk. "Damn. He's gotten better at that."

"Told you."

"So, what were you two nerds doing?" he asked.

Sollux blinked. Well, apparently some things do change.

"W - we were, uh, just t - talking," Tavros stuttered.

" 'bout what?" 

Sollux bit his lip as he heard Tavros rustle in his pocket. No. Hell no. There was no way he was going to show those cards off. No way. Dave did not need to see. Not now not ever.

"M - my Fidusspawn deck . . . "

Damn it.

"Pfft . . . dorks."

Snicker behind the book.

"A - again, I am not a dork . . . "

"You keep telling yourself that," Dave muttered. He turned to Sollux. "And you, man? You want to get back in the game that bad?"

Oh hell no.

"Oh hell no," Sollux hissed. "Not now, not ever again. That thide of me ith dead. Athk again, and I will tho burn your prethouith recordth."

"Damn, that's some rage," Dave said as he let a small sigh. 

"Do, uh . . . you play Fidusspawn?" Tavros asked. 

"Used to. Not anymore. Not my style," Dave said flatly. 

The troll sighed as he placed the deck back. Sollux sighed with relief. Hide the shame, kid. Hide the shame. 

"Man . . . a, uh, a lot of people used to play with me back in Prospit . . ." he sighed. "Guess I could play with Agelad . . ."

"Hold up." Dave's glasses shimmered as he turned to the troll trio. "You. The new guy. Is from the literal 'golden city'?"

Nod.

This was new. Sollux adjusted his glasses. This dork of a troll was from Prospit? The city where anything was possible, and most technological advancements came by the pound? Guess it takes all kinds.

"Well . . . damn. That's cool."

It certainly was. 

"Wait, if you're from Prothpit, then why the _hell_ are you here?" Sollux asked, raising a brow. This had to be good. "You could have gone to Prothpit Prep, and been thomebody."

"Oh, uh, believe me, that w - would have been nice, but, uh . . . My dad got a transfer, see, so, my family had to move," he quickly replied. The bull gulped something down and shrugged twice. "N - nothing, uh, else there."

"About as subtle as a gunshot," Dave sighed. 

The troll did what he could do.

Shrug.

"Can't control that thit."

 


	9. i said it was an accident alright?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One again, I do not own Homestuck, I just write this for fun, please enjoy!

This was going to make Karkat flip his shit. 

He does it everyday, sure, but this was going to be a special kind of shit flip. Like something out of the Olympics, with the high-placed rings and the superficial dismounts. He'd flip out so hard from those rings and do some sort of acrobatic maneuver that made him look more like rubber. Land on both feet seamlessly, knee-deep into a perfect ten on the mat.

He had come into the room and started talking to Karkat normally, keeping his bag low to the ground, feet on the desk like he doesn't give two fucks. Because that was the best way to start off this sort of reveal. Make it seem ordinary, then come out swinging with the major biz. No more no less. 

And then it all bombed faster than Pluto Nash.

The conversation started with Fidusspawn card games and turned to locker slams and Prospitian hotel rooms. Then again that last bit could have just been in his head. Or misheard. Wouldn't be the first time. And even then, Karkat was not participating in his usual ranting and rage-induced yelling. He was reading some new romance novel trash he had picked out from the library.

It was mostly Sollux, a.k.a The King of Tech, and Tavros, a.k.a the New Residential Dork who talked. Dave only inserted quips when necessary. And that was every half-second. 

The trolls had soon left the room to use the can after they started talking about Prospit this and Prospit that. Better. Then he could start this portion of the discussion without them trying to butt in on his one-liners.

More chance to get his daily dose of Vitamin K. 

Dave smirked and turned to the reading troll. Time to shine.

"So, they left."

Silence.

"Bunch of chatterboxes, 'm'I right?"

Silence, then page flip.

"Yeah, this is actually okay, too, y'know. Just doing this."

Silence. Crinkle.

Damn he'd gotten better at that.

"So, I signed up for something new this year."

"Okay," Karkat muttered. 

Well, at least he was speaking now.

"Involves a camera."

"Huh."

"You know, like an AV club?" Dave said.

"Uh-huh," the troll mumbled, then flicked another page. 

His face stayed stoic, but inside, he was grimacing. God, it was like talking to Rose. Nose in a book, sarcastic tone in his voice, air of annoyance about him. Any longer and he'd start calling him a flighty broad.

Well, any longer here in this kind of environment at least. He'd be back to messing with the troll as usual as soon as they had gone home. But for now, this was really getting annoying. 

"Come on, put the book down and just listen to me," he said, adding emotion to his voice. "I wanna talk about my new idea."

The troll moved his head, glaring heavily at the human for what felt like forever. "Is this going to be anything like your other idea that ruined my signed novel?"

"I said it was an accident, right?" Dave rolled his eyes behind his shades. "Besides, it dried, didn't it?"

"Still never got that fucking apology," Karkat murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing, douche nozzle. Now what's up?"

Dave smirked and leaned nonchalantly. No chances he'd look back in the book for this one. "Nothing big, or anything. Just a change in myself that I want you to hear about personally."

"Cut the shit and get on with it."

"Like I said before, I signed up for the AV club. Means I can make movies and shit."

"Sounds like a hellraising good time," Karkat flatly quipped. His nose dipped back into his boom. "Keep me the fuck out of it."

"No dice, dude," Dave said. He raised a hand up and started spinning it. "Got the idea beforehand. Like something out of that one cartoon from the 90's."

"Be-cause it was ridiculous and completely unrealistic, or because it was about ducks?" Karkat asked. 

"Yeah, man. It was always the ducks," Dave said with a small chuckle. "The 90's was all about ducks." He stopped the hand gesture and started leaning towards Karkat. "But that's not the reason the reason I decided to join the club."

"Alright, I'll bite, if not for the fuck-ducks, then for what?" Karkat asked flatly. 

"Remember last summer?"

"How the fuck does it tie into that, Strider?" Karkat hissed. Least his eyes were off the pages."Pick your words carefully."

Still a sensitive subject. He had to tread lightly.

" 'cause of all that, I started lookin' into keeping a website, and how to operate a camera. Before I knew it, I got the idea to open a blog."

There was no way he could keep this kind of secret for long. And who better to tell first than the troll who'd probably give some sort of amazingly quotable feedback. Perfect for first day streaming.  

"Fine then."

" . . . What."

"If you want to flush your social life down the fucking toilet, then be my guest," Karkat said. His eyes turned back to the book a mere second after the zinger. "Just leave me the hell out of it, Strider."

Dave blinked. "So. That's all you can say?"

"What the fuck do you _want_ me to say!?" he grumbled. He closed the book on his thumb and narrowed his eyes further. His fangs were now clearly visible. He was not selling it with the anger slash ferocity shtick. "Maybe something like, "Good luck on your eventual downward spiral", or "Don't hit your ass on the door on the way out"?!"

The preteen felt himself smirk. Hey, if he was opening the door . . .

"You seem to be talking about my ass a lot, Kit-Kat. There something you wanna tell me, or are you just honna keep being coy as shit about it?"

He was met with a familiar gesture. 

"You really never run out of material, eh Karkat?"

There were those red puffed cheeks. Yep, straight up anger.

"Fuck. You. Strider."

"That was what I was lookin' for."

"You're a fucking weirdo . . ." Karkat huffed as he reopened the book. "Can I finish reading now?"

"Oh, sure, man. You get back to those dodecahedronal love quadrants." Speed was of the essence for this part. And luckily, the troll had buried his face in the book again. "Just feel the love-hate as it clubs your heart to death."

Focus in the lens. The book was starting to quiver with the jittering forefinger and pinkie. Oh this was too easy. He had to hide his smile again.

"Focus on that one couple that takes for-fucking-ever to hook up. Like, chapters and chapters to hook up. Over two novels if you're lucky. Scream at the pages like a maniac as you plead with that nonexistent author. Stop being so coy and just spill those feelings, damn it. I wanna move on to Dane and Jack, not stick with - "

The book slammed down, revealing a flushed and irritated troll. Fuck Dave, he'd said way too damn much.

"What the actual FUCK are you talking about?! You're not even - " 

Karkat's yellow eyes widened. 

The camera was pointed right at him. And the red light was on.

"Oh, don't mind me." Dave sounded just as smooth as ever holding the handheld piece. "Just do what you were going to do. Y'know, be natural."

The troll's face slowly pursed and squeezed into a contorted grimace. The emotion was almost unreadable. And man was it looking good at this angle. But less about the face, more about the angle. He pulled back as the troll slowly hid his face with the novel. Yep. Some cheapo romantic bullshit. The troll's face was soon hidden completely behind poorly drawn cover art. 

He could so do better. Maybe he could also redo that cover for a first post. Edit it. Smack that. Show it who's boss on his site and who should draw what for a shitty romance novel. Less rose and candy bullshit. More of that hardcore action. Yeah. That works.

Dave snickered lightly. Yeah, that was so going on the front page.

"What'th thith?"

And lo and behold, the other trolls had returned from what felt like an eternity in the bathroom. About time. He needed new subjects for this bad boy. 

"Say hello to my new camera from AV Club."

"AV Club?" Tavros asked nearby. 

The preteen rotated the camera to the long-horned troll. His sweet eyes were perfect for the camera's lens, but the horns were the hardest damn thing to capture. Too fucking big for the lens. Wait. Maybe if he - no, widescreen shot did not help. Screw this damn four by three screen. 

"Yeah. I'm making a blog."

"Oh, really? That sounds like, um, a lot of fun!" Tavros said. "If you, um, n - need some art, I thi - ink I have some you can use . . ."

"I'll consider it."

Getting rid of that suggestion.

The camera was yanked back and towards the red and blue shaded troll. Yep, the club president was not kidding when he said shades of all kinds come off as awesome on the screen. Sollux smirked in the lens.

"Nithe framework, exthellent condithion . . . don't break it, you prick."

"Wouldn't dare harm Nicole."

"The fuck . . . you named the camera?" he whispered.

"I can pick up sound on this thing, too, so you just said something to the camera, dude," Dave said.

"But you're right there!" Sollux grimaced. "You're thpeaking, too! You thould be jutht ath hearable ath me!"

"I'll be quieter in the final product."

"You have no idea what the fuck you are doing, do you?"

"You saying I don't know how to work a camera?"

"Yeth."

"Jegus, so blunt . . ." Dave grunted and moved his focus back to the still static and now reading Karkat. "Besides, I have other subjects to film."

"Move. The Fucking. Camera. NOW," Karkat hissed loudly.

Dave moved it down with a smirk. Hard to say no to a troll who had his nose in a book. 

He felt a sudden tap on his shoulder.

"Yo?"

"Yeah . . ." 

Gamzee stood over Dave. 

"Can I have my seat back, motherfucker?"


	10. CG: NOW BEND OVER.

CG: DAMN IT THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING MATCH I HAVE EVER SEEN!   
TA: ii have two agree . . . thii2 ii2 atro2iiou2 . . .   
adiosToreador [AT]  has entered the memo.   
AT: sORRY, i WAS, uH, sTUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND AN ORC,,,   
AT: aND, wHOA, tHIS, vRISKA GIRL SEEMS, rUTHLESS,,,  
TA: you get u2ed two her, iif that make2 2en2e.   
AT: nO, i THINK i GET WHAT YOU MEAN,,,nO NEED FOR ELABORATING,  
AT: aND, uH,,, wAIT, WHO HAS THE KEY TO THE BASE NOW?  
TA: that would bee kk.   
TA: and judgiing from hii2 2tat counter, he ju2t took a huge load of lead 2 the fa2e.   
CG: FUCKING ASSHOLE ON THE SIDE OF THE BASE JUST STABBED ME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! NEVER EVEN GAVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO REACT!  
TA: yep. there iit goe2.   
AT: sO, THIS MEANS HE LOST THE KEY? wELL, uH, i'LL ASSUME IT WAS LOST, gIVEN i DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING,,,  
TA: 2tiill 2hould bee at the ba2e. your call, page.   
AT: oH, oK,  
CG: HEY, JUST FOR THE RECORD, I. AM. STILL. HERE. YOU. ASSHOLES!   
CG: I CAN READ EVERYTHING, AND SEE EVERYTHING YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT! MIND INCLUDING ME IN THE CONVERSATION NEXT TIME INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME OUT LIKE THE UGLY FUCKING DUCKLING?!   
AT: oH, wHOOPS. sORRY, kARKAT. }:(   
TA: ii'm not.   
CG: FUCK YOU.   
AT: iM HEADED TO YOUR, uH, tRAJECTORY IS IT?   
CG: THAT'S MY *POST* TAVROS . . . AND YOU'RE GOING IN THE WRONG FUCKING DIRECTION. THAT'S NORTH! THE BASE IS *SOUTH* OF YOUR CURRENT LOCATION!  
AT: sORRY!!   
TA: newbiie2. we were there on2e two, remember kk?   
CG: I'D RATHER NOT REMEMBER THOSE HORRIBLE DAYS.   
TA: 2o you don't remember ye2terday?   
CG: . . . GET BACK TO KILLING THE ORCS.   
TA: and twoday?   
CG: . . . TRYING. TO. FOCUS.   
TC: aIgHt, I'vE sEt ThE tRaPs Up To ThE nOrTh. VrIs-SiS' gOnNa HaVe A hElLa TiMe WiTh ThEsE!   
TC: yOo, TaVbRo, OrC tO yOuR lEfT!   
TC: hOnK!   
AT: oHH, tHANKS, gAMZEE!   
AT: aCK, dARN IT!   
turntechGodhead [TG]  has entered the memo.   
TG: damn that last match was a bitch   
TG: sorry nerds i was in another mod   
AT: tHIS ORC IS, rEALLY STRONG!   
TC: hEaDeD tHaT wAy NoW, tAvBrO! hAnG tIgHt! :0)   
CG: THAT HAS TO BE THE FASTED HE HAS RESPONDED TO A FUCKING DISTRESS SIGNAL   
CG: OH GOG DAMN IT YOU SWING AT THE ORC, YOU DON'T TRY TO CAST A FUCKING SPELL ON IT! THEY'RE IMPERVIOUS TO FUCKING MAGIC!  
TG: nice hope he keeps this up   
TA: for our 2ake2, ii hope 2o a2 well . . .   
TC: RiGhT tHe FuCk HeRe, BrOs.   
TA: we know. we weren't talkiing about you.   
AT: aND i'M DEAD,,, sORRY, gUYS, tHESE MECHANICS ARE STILL, wEIRD TO ME,,,   
TC: YoU'lL gEt ThE hAnG oF iT, tAvBrO!  
TG: its just wasding with the added click-click-click attack spam easy to learn easy to use  
TA: you ju2t u2ed iit a2 a fuckiing verb . . .   
CG: WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD USE MAGIC?! YOU'RE A FUCKING PAGE CLASS! MAGIC IS BENEATH YOUR SKILL SET RIGHT NOW!   
AT: aHH, i'M, sORRY!! bUT, i FIGURED, mIGHT AS WELL LEARN HOW NOW, bEFORE, uHH, i, lEVEL UP, i GUESS,,,  
CG: OH MY GOG, THIS IS DEPRESSING . . .   
TG: eh ive seen worse from john   
CG: TAVROS, COME TALK WITH ME FOR A SECOND.   
TC: hOlD uP, i'Ll JoIn YoU mOtHeRfuCkErS!  
adiosToreador [AT]  and carcinoGeneticist [CG]  are now idle.   
TC: oR . . . nOt . . .  
TG: wonder what that mess is about   
TA: knowiing kk, he'2 probably goiing two explaiin the rule2 to tr agaiin driill 2ergeant 2tyle.   
TC: "yOu'Ll GeT tHe HaNg Of It"?!   
TC: WhAt ThE mOtHeRfUcK wAs I tHiNkIn'?!   
TC: CoUlDa DoNe BeTtEr ThAn ThAt!   
TC: WhY'vE i GoTtA bE sO fUcKiNg WiShY-wAsHy?!  
TG: slow down there indigo romeo   
TG: the text wall is my specialty   
TG: you just save that kind of talk for when you work the bull into the corner with your clowning around  
TA: you do know he'll 2ee thii2 2tuff when he get2 back, riight?   
TC: . . .   
TG: the guy literally thought i was talking about powertools last time   
TG: i think its safe to say hell have no fucking idea about what im talking about   
TA: two bee faiir, neiither do ii.   
TG: lets keep it that way.   
TC: SeE, tHaT sTiLl dOeSn'T sOuNd LiKe YoU gIvE a FuCk . . .   
TG: take it from someone whos been there before and back   
TG: keep it calm and cool dude   
TG: and slash to your right   
TC: WhY wOuLd I   
TC: hOnK!   
TA: oh hey, orc2 comiing back for round two.   
TG: good this sword was aching to be used   
TA: ii'll 2tiill bee on healiing duty.   
TC: oKaY i GoT tHe MoThErFuCkEr! NeW iTeM!   
TC: hEy DaVeBrO, wAnT iN oN tHiS aCtIoN?  
TG: thanks but id rather be stuck in an elevator with danny de vito and john stamos   
TA: bet that'2 a dream come true for you.   
TG: hilarious now shut up and blast  
TA: ye2, your maje2ty.   
adiosToreador [AT]  and carcinoGeneticist [CG]  are no longer idle.   
TA: where the fuck were you guy2? ii've been hiittiing the2e a22hole2 for the pa2t fiive miinute2 wiithout good backup.   
TG: hey ive been here   
TA: exactly.   
CG: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, THAT'S WHERE THE FUCK WE WERE. NOW BEND OVER   
TA: whatever, kk.   
TA: wait   
TA: what the 2hiit?   
CG: NO!   
TC: uHhH . . .   
TG: wait what   
CG: SHIT! NO, NOT THAT! I MEANT BEND OVER *THE RIFLE*! *THE RIFLE*!   
CG: I HIT THE FUCKING ENTER KEY! IT CUT ME OFF!!  
AT: oH, oH MAN . . .   
TG: ahahahahahahaha!   
TA: that'2 . . . what ii thought you meant.   
CG: IGNORE THAT.   
CG: PLEASE.   
TG: i dunno man thats kinda hard to ignore   
TG: ahahaha oh man i cannot stop laughing   
AT: i, uH, dON'T THINK i CAN FORGET THAT...  
TC: nEiThEr CaN i, TaVbRo.   
TG: oh my fucking god i am going to screencap that   
CG: DAVE FUCKING STRIDER DO NOT PUT THIS ON THAT NEWFOUND SHITTY BLOG OF YOURS!   
TG: too late man its already in motion   
CG: WELL PUT IT OUT OF FUCKING MOTION! DELETE IT OR SOMETHING!   
TA: gog thii2 ju2t got weiird . . .   
AT: i, uMM, wISH YOU COULD DELETE THAT, sOON, pLEASE,,,  
TC: wHy'S tHaT?   
AT: bECAUSE iM IN MY FAMILY ROOM RIGHT NOW,,,  
TG: part of me hopes youre fucking with me while another is ready to start laughing again  
AT: iF MY MOM COMES BY, aND READS THAT, i'M, gOING TO BE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE, gUYS, , ,   
AT: i'M NOT JOKING , , ,   
TG: holy shit   
TC: tHaT aIn'T gOoD . . .   
CG: JUST FUCKING DELETE THAT YOU ASSHOLE! SOLLUX, HACK HIS SYSTEM OR SOMETHING! PLEASE!   
TA: dude ii . . . ii am ju2t too out of iit riight now . . .   
TG: hey look at it this way   
TG: now you can talk about our asses with context   
CG: AGAIN THAT WAS NOT SOLICITATION NOR WAS IT A FUCKING JOKE!! IT WAS A SPELLING ERROR!   
CG: SOLLUX, GET OUT OF YOUR FUNK AND CONVINCE THE FUCKER FORMERLY KNOWN AS STRIDER TO ERASE THAT GODDAMNED PICTURE!! PLEASE?!   
TA: ii'd love two, but ii can't delete somethiing iif iit's on the iinternet, dude.   
TA: you're on your own, dude.   
CG: DAMN DAMN DAMN! STRIDER DO NOT DO A FUCKING THING!   
CG: AUGH! I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS FOR MYSELF!   
CG: SO *FUCKING* HELP ME IF THAT IS UP THERE - !!  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has left the memo.   
TC: tHe MoThErFuCkEr'S gOtTa Be SpAzZiNg Up A mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShItStOrM rIgHt NoW . . .   
TG: no joke clown   
TA: you know you'll have two take that photo down, riight?   
TG: what photo   
TA: . . .   
TC: . . .   
AT: dID YOU REALLY FORGET, aFTER A FEW MINUTES OF THAT? iF SO, tHEN, tHAT IS REALLY MEAN , , ,  
TG: jk i know what you guys are talking about   
TC: sO yOu'Ll DeLeTe It?   
TG: just did   
AT: gLAD YOU DID, dAVE,   
TA: god that wa2 weiird . . .   
TG: to also be fair there was never a photo in the first place either so i think we can chalk this up to kitkat being too damn easy sometimes   
AT: wAIT, wHAT?  
TC: . . .   
TA: ehh . . . that'2 faiir . . .   



	11. Memos from the Desk of Karkat

terminallyCapricious [TC]  has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG].   
TC: yO kArBrO! bEeN a MoThErFuCkInG wHiLe, HuH?   
TC: jUsT gLaD t'Be BaCk HoMe AfTeR cAmP. sO mUcH cRaZy ShIt WeNt DoWn, BrO. sO mUcH mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShIt YoU wOuLd NoT bElIeVe!   
TC: SoMe Of It WaS pUrElY mOtHeRfUcKiNg MaGiCaL!   
TC: bUt, I'lL tElL yOu 'BoUt ThAt ShIt LaTeR. nOw I wAnNa JaM aBoUt ScHoOl.   
TC: wE cAn Up AnD hAnG oUt AfTeR cLaSs AnD mAkE iT sO FuCkInG lEgIt!   
TC: NoW, i KnOw Ya'Ll ArE wAnTiNg To Up AnD nOt TaLk AbOuT tHiS aFtEr WhAt HaPpEnEd LaSt TiMe, BuT i ThInK tHaT tHiS wIlL rEaLlY mAkE yAh SmIlE!   
TC: aNd ThErE iS nOtHiNg BeTtEr ThAn A gOoD, hOnEsT, mOtHeRfUcKiNg SmIlE!   
TC: :0)   
TC: Ah ShIt, We'Re GetTiNg BoMbArDeD oUt ThErE tOdAy, AiN't We?   
TC: MeSsAgE mE bAcK wHeN yOu GeT tHiS!   
terminallyCapricious [TC]  has ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG].   


adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG].   
AT: sO, wHAT'S, tHE PROBLEM? dID, dID i DO SOMETHING WRONG?  
CG: NO. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING YOUR FUCKING HARDEST TO GET AT LEAST *SOMEWHERE* IN THIS GAME. IT'S MORE THAN FUCKING CLEAR, HOWEVER, THAT YOU OUTRIGHT SUCK.   
AT: yEAH , , ,   
AT: i DO KNOW, hOWEVER, tHAT I CAN GET, bETTER, , ,   
AT: yOU JUST, uHH, hAVE TO GIVE ME, tHE CHANCE IS ALL,  
CG: THAT'S SORT OF WHAT I'M SAYING. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY THIS GAME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, TAVROS. YOU'RE GOING TO BE SUBJECTED TO SOME OF THE MOST OUTLANDISH BULLSHIT IF YOU PLAY WITH US AS YOUR TEAMMATES.   
CG: IN THE WORST OF FUCKING WAYS, MAY I ADD . . . PLAYING THIS GAME IS GOING TO TEST YOU AND FUCKING DESTROY YOU. I DO NOT WANT MORE HEADS ON THOSE FUCKING PIKES OF VRISKA'S FORT OF FUCKING DARKNESS.  
TA: rIGHT, bUT, i, aT LEAST, wANT TO TRY,  
TA: bESIDES, i WAS INVITED TO THIS GAME, aND TO PLAY WITH YOU GUYS, , ,   
CG: NO, YOU WERE TECHNICALLY *FORCED* INTO THIS INVOLVING EXTRANEOUS EMOTIONAL CIRCUMSTANCES BY A DRUGGED UP JUGGALO WHO ACTS LIKE AN ASSHOLE. SO THE ANSWER TO THAT PSEUDO-QUESTION IS "THIS IS YOUR FUNERAL. YOU ARE WELCOME TO PISS ON YOUR OWN GRAVE".   
AT: oH, i GUESS i CAN SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM . . .   
AT: wAIT, hE'S ON DRUGS?   
CG: IT'S EITHER THAT, OR HE'S A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN I TAKE HIM FOR. AND EVEN THEN, THAT WOULD BE A MAJOR FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HIM . . . THE FUCKING CLOWN . . .  
AT: wELL, uH, i THINK HE'S AN OKAY GUY. nOTHING TOO WEIRD ABOUT HIM . . . aSIDE FROM, uH, tHE PAINT.   
CG: YEAH, GET USED TO THAT . . . AND HIS RANDOM BURSTS OF ONOMATOPOEIA.   
AT: hUH, iT'S THAT NORMAL?   
CG: TRUST ME. I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS.   
CG: BUT ENOUGH OF THAT. I JUST HAD TO ASK ABOUT . . . THIS. ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS ALL UP?   
AT: i, dON'T THINK, tHAT i COULD GO AND, uHH, sCREW ANYTHING UP , , , bUT, i JUST HAVE TO BE, gIVEN THAT CHANCE FIRST , , ,   
AT: bUT, oNLY IF YOU GUYS WANT TO, nOT TRYING TO SWAY YOU HERE , , ,   
CG: . . .   
CG: LIKE I SAID. YOUR FUNERAL. JUST, IF YOU NEED A HAND IN THE GAME, OR WANT TO BAIL, YOU CAN COME TO ME, OKAY?   
AT: oHH, uHH, oKAY, tHEN,   
CG: GOOD. LET'S GET BACK TO THE FUCK NUTS IN AISLE FIVE. THEY LOOK LIKE THEY NEED OUR HELP.  
AT: hEH, i GUESS gAMZEE WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU, , ,   
CG: WHAT NOW?   
AT: nOTHING, nOTHING,   
AT: lET'S GET BACK THERE, }:)   
adiosToreador [AT]  has ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG].   


causticGuardian [CG]  has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG].   
CG: while i must ap9l9gize f9r 6eing rude and intruding 9n y9ur pers9nal gaming time, 6r9ther, i must p9litely ask that y9u please cease y9ur rage-induced rantings and all9w 9thers in this h9use t9 rest. we have classes starting t9m9rr9w and i will n9t have my y9unger 6r9ther tarnish his reputati9n this early in the new sch99l year.   
CG: FUCK. OFF. NOW. AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MESSAGING ME THIS WHEN I AM RIGHT DOWN THE FUCKING HALLWAY?!  
CG: i will n9t intrude y9ur pers9nal space this late at night, karkat.   
CG: YOU MEAN, "I DON'T WANT DAD TO YELL AT ME AGAIN SO I'M GONNA *MESSAGE* KARKAT LIKE THE TOTAL TOOL I AM!". GROW A FUCKING PAIR!   
CG: wash 9ut yu9r f9ul m9uth!   
CG: DAMN IT I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS! GOODNIGHT KANKRI, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has banned  causticGuardian [CG].   
CG: COULD HAVE JUST WALKED RIGHT DOWN THE DAMNED HALLWAY . . .   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some more unseen memos from the beginning of the story, and more like this will come soon! I do not own Homestuck, and I just do this out of boredom.


	12. remiind me why you're the go-two expert on quadrant2 agaiin?

Her most prominent features were her horns.

Curved like a goat's, but gently touching back towards her face. They were far larger than any other horns he had seen on other trolls, and looked far more menacing from the side. One wrong move, and those things could have been fucking weapons.

From the front, however, they were actually an endearing feature. Perfectly framing her face, they remained steady and, in this lighting, kind of cute. As if that were even physically possible with horns that fucking massive. 

Long dark hair fell from her head in wavy layers, and nearly touched the floor from her seat. It was a wonder she kept that much hair clean and tidy, let alone kept it at all. Most girls Karkat had seen before were conscious of how long their hair was. Always up in some prissy up-do, carefully crafted into ponytails, headbands, braids, buns - anything than letting it touch the floor.

But this girl.

She clearly did not give a fuck about her appearance. Her hair was just there, her horns were just there, and by that logic, she was just there. There were no airs about her. Nothing even remotely resembling 

Her attention was diverted to a book. Something colored in odd layers of ornate scribbles on the front. Wait, which way was that book facing? What did that thing say even?

"What the fuck is she reading?"

"Thomething about ghothtth, I think," Sollux whispered back. "The'th alwayth reading it. Never theen the cover."

"And she's been here every day at lunch to read this?" 

"Yeth."

"And you just stand here and watch her like a fucking stalker?"

"You know, KK, I can eathily thtart that rumor about you and Egbert again."

"And I can push you into the fucking open."

"Touthe."

He turned around.

"And her name is?" 

"Doeth that even matter?" The reply was enough to make Karkat groan. Here we go again. "Juth help me out here."

Karkat glared and started to tap his foot. "What kind of help do you need, anyways? She's just sitting there reading a fucking book."

"W-well, yeah, but . . . " 

The yellow blooded troll was looking at the girl once again, eyes barely visible. Karkat raised a brow as he traced the glance and the other troll's "game" face. That was the same face he had on when he was trying to crack codes for various websites. Trying to see what faulty codes were in them, so to speak. 

Karkat felt his lips curl up in an odd angle. There had to have been some societal norm, some fucking principle of mutual understanding, that made it okay to punch the lights out of your friend when they were being this shady. At the same time, there had to be some loophole in society that made it perfectly acceptable to jump up and down and scream like a little girl while un-ironically hugging said friend. 

He sighed and tilted his head back, staring hard at the tiles.

Yep.

How he wished.

"It's simple," he started. "Just strike up a conversation with her about what she's reading, then when you get far enough with that, take it to the next level by asking about her hobby, and why she's reading what she is." Karkat tapped his head against the lockers. "Just stay calm and do your analysis thing through your words instead of through your eyes."

Sollux adjusted his glasses, and removed his gaze from the girl. Maybe he was catching on. Well, hopefully he was catching on.

"It makes you look like you're sizing her fucking body up. And that is a quick turn off for anyone in any quadrant." Karkat glanced to his right. "Also creepy as fucking shit."

"Okay then." He looked at Karkat, but looked far less impressed than what was originally anticipated. "Thay, KK, remind me why you're the go-to exthpert on quadrantth again?"

"Because I know my shit. Got any more questions, smartass?"

"Yeah. How the fuck do I talk to her?" 

And there was the familiar feeling of his hand on his forehead. Yep, the pain was there. He was feeling his rage build up again. The dual-horned troll was sincere in his response, which was not only shocking, but irritating. It was more of this again.

Well, his fucking funeral.

"You just walk up to her, say hi, and start a simple conversation. How the fuck is that difficult?!" He put added emphasis on 'difficult', still keeping quiet.

"I don't know, can  _you_ talk to John without thcrewing thit up?!" Sollux hissed back. His fingers were already being pointed, and the direction was clear. "Or - "

"This is not the fucking time or place for that, you asswagon! Just go _talk_ to her!"

The smaller troll pushed him out immediately, and was met with a surprised yelp. Now of all times was when he decided to flip emotions. Fuck this guy - he had to learn damn it!

"KK!" Sollux motioned to the bench.

"Just do it, you wriggling baby!" 

A hiss escaped Sollux' throat as he glared back at Karkat. He was met with a familiar gesture. He turned back to the troll girl, who was now a mere ten feet away. She flipped a page, moved a stroke of hair from her right eye. She continued to read. She was right there. 

Right. There.

Sollux slowly took a step. Stay silent, stay sharp. Just. Just stay cool. Yeah, girls seemed to like his cool and collected style. No. Not really. Maybe he could just say something casual. No, keep it cool. She seemed like a classy sort of troll, and someone like that didn't need some sort of funky persona - no way, just keep it casual. She had to see the real Sollux. The one with the sense of humor and sense of style.

He took another step. There was no fucking way he could do that. He'd make a bigger ass of himself than Dave did once before. This was something that required the cool. Classy. Cool.

For the  - pick one, damn it! 

"Aradia?"

Calm yellow eyes were now peering up. And they had seemed to log onto a target. Sollux stood paralyzed in his spot. She had noticed him. She had actually noticed him. The phrasing "deer in a headlight" suddenly seemed to take on new meaning. He felt his limbs grow heavy. Everything seemed to slow down.

Aradia. Her name was Aradia. Oh man he could say that name in his mind all day and never make it feel weird. There was something about her name that resonated with him. It was simple, it was pure, it was - something that he had not called. 

Who called her name? Was it someone behind him? Was she getting up?

Holy shit, yes she was. She was standing up and closing the book. The world sped up in an instant. Sollux took a rapid breath and held it immediately. 

Okay, stop thinking.

Time to be cool guy.

No, classy guy.

No.

Damn it pick one!

"Tavros!"

Cue the record scratch.

Wide eyed, Sollux felt his limbs grow heavy again.

What the actual hell had just transpired.

His brain continued to clunk and activate, trying to process the events in his head. His gaze shifted back to the girl, who was now giving a heartfelt hug to the long-horned nerd. Their mouths moved, but no sound reached Sollux' ears. Colors started to blend into one another. There had to be some good explanation for this. And soon. Otherwise. No. No negative thoughts. This was not normal. So not normal. 

Karkat moved to Sollux' immediate right. His brow was arched high on his smaller face. They exchanged glances before the smaller troll shrugged. 

"When did he thow up?" Sollux whispered.

"When I pushed you out here."

A snort.

"Yeah, yeah. Now do me a favor, and calm the fuck down. You look like you're about to fucking kill someone."

Sollux flinched as he took a brief gaze at his hands. Clenched into fists. Damn. Not again. His face sank as he unfurled his hands, all the while being given a look from Karkat that read "I told you so". Good thing shame wasn't the main emotion he was concerned with. Well, he would have to reevaluate his emotional index when he got home later, but that was for then. But this - no, later. Now was this.

He glared at Karkat, who refused to drop the look. He then turned his attention back to Tavros and Aradia, who were now deep into a conversation saturated with lighthearted laughter and Snippets of their conversation reached the beached trolls. 

"How long has it been, Tav?" Aradia laughed and gestured to the troll's height and horns. She measured him up with her hand in an exaggerated manner before speaking again. "Last I saw you, your horns were about the size of my hands!" She tried to grab one, but the bull pulled back.

"Heh, let's not, uh, talk about that . . . little, uhh, sensitive," Tavros giggled as he added, "But, yours are really pretty, though!"

Aradia cupped her horn with her hand and asked, "You think so? They're a little on the . . . big side, I guess is the right way to describe it."

Tavros laughed nervously and added, "I get it, I get it."

And so it went. Blah blah memories, blah blah sentimental bullshit, blah blah been so long since I've last seen you, blah blah blah. It felt like an hour had passed after two minutes of talking had gone by. Normally, scenes like this would have been first on the list for enjoying and engaging in. But when a friend was involved, and your other friend was just cock-blocked by said reunion, then it's best to not dwell on the good emotions and get on the with the fucking program.  

And judging from the dialogue's direction, it was only going to get far worse from there out. No way was he sticking around for that. He had to butt into this sickeningly sappy reunion sooner or later.

"So, what the hell is going on here?" 

"O-oh, sorry guys." He gestured to the troll girl, who smiled at the two. "I-I got caught up in the moment."

"No shit," Karkat muttered. He raised his voice and asked, "So, you are?"

"Aradia Megido."

"Karkat Vantas."

"Nice to meet you, Karkat!"

Hands were shaken quickly as Karkat caught . . . something. No. It attracted his attention. It was her expression. What was on her face was not a smile. The feature, compared to the rest of her face, was . . . honestly, it was . . . there were no words to describe it. This ethereal grin, this . . . SMILE. Something about it was completely off. Way the fuck off. 

He snapped back to reality and saw the grin was gone. Thank Gog. 

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!"

His eyes darted to Tavros. He was perfectly fine, if being his dorky self could have constituted as being "perfectly fine". Close enough. His glance turned back to Sollux, who had somehow managed to mentally fuck off. 

"You sure?" Aradia asked, folding a hand behind her back. Her look was one of playfulness and concern, if those two emotions could somehow combine. She tilted her head again.

"Positive!"

"You look like you saw a - " 

"I'm fine, I fucking swear!"

"And there it ith," Sollux muttered.

That remark earned the taller troll a kick in the shin. He growled in reply as Aradia turned her attention to him. 

"Oh, and you are?"

Gulp.

"Tholluxth Captor."

"He has a lisp," Karkat said flatly.

A muttered curse word escaped from Sollux' mouth.

"I could tell," Aradia said lightly. She bowed her head a bit at him. "You do have an interesting name, though."

His head darted to the side, fangs on his bottom lip. He had to say something cool to her. 

"It'th . . . familial."

Fucking nailed it.

"From which side?"

His eyes widened behind his lenses. Damn it! 

He kept his head still, letting the sweat spill on his brow. Oh now he was fucked. Fuck. Fuck. Come on. He was still biting his lip, and saw Aradia come closer. Don't stare like that. Don't come any closer. No, wait, do come closer. No - hell no that sounded fucking creepy! He had to think of something cool to say or - 

"Didn't you wanna show me that book now, Tavros?" 

The red tinted troll was already pushing the object of his speech towards the parallel hallway. No time to think, act only. This had to go down or else the entire situation was going to get fucked up again royally. 

"I did?"

"Yes! Remember? That light novel thing you were talking about?" 

"Wait - "

"No chance! I wanna see it now, damn it!"

The two were gone within seconds. Mentally, Sollux was cursing Karkat with every fiber of his being. 

"W-what book did you want me to show you?" Tavros started asking questions as soon as they reached another hall's opening. They turned a corner before Karkat finally pushed Tavros ahead and directed his gaze elsewhere. "I-I don't remember agreeing, b-but if I did, a-and then forgot, I - "

Karkat's thumb immediately jerked to the two trolls. The bull's eyes followed suit.

Sollux, at this point, was finally talking, but his head was still crooked to the side. Once or twice his head would creak to the other side, but that was to escape the gaze of the girl who seemed to dance about him. Tavros pursed his lips as he directed his attention to Aradia. She was taking a more up close and personal approach, standing on her tiptoes and trying to talk to him. To say she was floating about him was an understatement; she was hovering and trying to talk to him. 

The bull had narrowed his eyes in thought. From Karkat's position, he looked far better when he wasn't thinking that hard. He saw his mouth turn into an O-shape while he flashed a grin at Karkat.

"Oh, now I get it!"

"Finally."

The two trolls kept peering from the side of the wall. 

"Do you, uhh, think this will work out well?" Tavros whispered.

"Positive."

"How did you know about this?"

"He asked me for advice."

He smirked as he saw he two walk to the bench. All according to plan. 

"I am awesome."

"How much you wanna bet he screws this up?"

And there was the slap to the face again.

"Dave, you talk way too fucking much sometimes, you know that?"


	13. wHO, uH, sAID LIGHT NOVELS HAD TO SUCK?

"W-well, the main character is Hato, but - "

"And this Hanami chick?"

"S-she's, uhh, the rival character to - "

"So, she's a villain?"

"S-sort of. She has the powers of a god and - "

"Uh-huh."

"Because . . . she made a-a wish on a star."

"Right . . . "

"A-and, then, she h-as to . . . "

Oh forget it, he was the worst at these kinds of explanations. He was the one who was usually recommended these books, not the one who recommended these books to people! Here he was trying to show his new friend the glories of a story line that didn't focus on fighting arcs and giant swords, and he was about to completely blow it! 

Tavros continued to mutter the plot under his breath while a now dead-eyed Karkat stared ahead. Yep, he was so close to blowing, and yet he continued to talk! Shut up, already, you bull-headed trolltaku! It's obvious he wasn't interested! He wasn't beforehand, he wasn't then, and he isn't now. Now was not the best time to even try to regale him in the tale of some high-school nothing and his sense of right and wrong in the eyes of a modern magical society. 

"Is this . . . going to go on any longer?"

"W-wait!" He ended up spitting the second half of the word out. Way to be even more gross. He bit his lip and said, "D-didn't you w-want t-to - ?"

"That was just to leave Troll Two-Two with the flush-crush of his dreams," Karkat said flatly. His brows raised up as he sighed in defeat. "I never thought you'd actually go and tell me about this light book."

"L-light novel . . ." 

"Right. Don't fucking care."

Tavros let his eyes fall again. He was already at a whisper. "Not many people do . . . " And apparently, neither did he. Who said light novels had to suck? "Th - this may have b-been a bad idea . . . "

"What the hell are you talking about?" Karkat's eyes were already narrowing with his tone. Yep, definitely a bad idea. He looked even more angry than before, or crabby. Either one was bad enough, and it did not need to be worse. "You sat me down, you showed me this book, better go ahead and finish telling me about it so my time isn't entirely fucking wasted."

"No, see - "

He was getting quieter with each sentence. He could feel his shoulders shaking. His body was screaming. Oh God why do these kinds of situations always have to be so confrontational? Why couldn't he just have shut his trap when he had the chance - 

"Tavros?"

He jolted up with a tap on his hand. It was Karkat, and those really confusing eyes again. Only, the rage seemed to be more diminished. Or something. His brow was scrunched up with his nose in one of the most befuddled looks he had ever seen. What emotion _was_ that? Concern? Anger? Confusion?

"Tavros are you alright?"

Guess he really did need to work on reading the moods of people. Rufioh made it so easy. 

"N-Not rea- "

The door of the classroom slammed shut as quickly as it had opened, letting in other students who were also engaged in conversation. They all continued their stretches of speech as they reached their desks, one student in particular catching both their eyes. Tavros couldn't help but bite his lip in a large smile. Sollux, glasses firmly over his face, slid down the door almost seamlessly. His face was swept up in what could only have been described as intense euphoria.

'Well, well, well," Karkat sneered as he turned. "Look what the cat dragged in."

Sollux only sighed in response. 

"So, got anything to say to me?"

"Fuck you, man . . ."

"Heh, reduced to a puddle," Karkat snickered. He turned back around to Tavros, who was still smiling. "You can pay me up front later, Sollux. You know my fees."

"Thtill here."

Tavros started laughing as he caught the troll standing up. Sure it had been a week since they met, but this was the first time he'd seen the bespectacled troll so happy! It was a wonder why he never smiled like that all the time. He watched the yellow blooded troll barely keep his feet on the ground - wait, were they really touching the ground, or was he just seeing things? - as he reached his desk. He glanced back at Karkat, who had the largest Cheshire grin on his face. 

Satisfaction looked good on him as happiness did on Sollux. Wish they could stay like that forever. 

He turned again to face Sollux. Several images flashed in his mind as he started thinking. His new friend had just come back from talking with his old friend due to a red quadrant facilitation and interest. He had to think about his next few sentences carefully. One wrong move and the entire scenario was ruined. And this time no reboot or soft reset was available.

"So, how did your talk with Aradia go?"

And there were instant alarm bells. And he could feel he just got deducted five charisma points for being too direct. 

"Pretty good, conthidering KK thoved me into the open firtht."

"Let it go!"

"Not happening," he snickered. He leaned back in his seat, meeting Tavros' eyes with his own hetero-chromatic lenses. "And then you thowed up, and tharted talking to her, tho I gueth I thought - "

Yep, major point deduction. He really needed to learn. 

"I-I'm sorry, I just saw her then, and it really had b-been a few years since I last saw her, so I thought - "

A wave of the other preteen's hand made him stop talking. He fell forward once more and spoke again. "Yeah, the thaid you two were clothe. Talked a lot about how you two alwayth drethed up for thit, and thuff. Kinda cool."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said. His face wasn't really visible, and his shoulders seemed stiff. His whole body looked colder than before for some odd reason. "It is." And his speech was trailing off. Small noises reached his ears. Like, electric shocks, or currents.

"Are, uh, you alright?"

"He's just being a jealous asshole," Karkat butted back in. He snorted a bit, then added, "Don't mind him." 

A low growl came from the troll, along with a muttered curse word and stream of vague profanity. Karkat let a small laugh loose in his apparent victory, while Tavros remained in the middle. He felt his head tilt to the side. These two - was there ever going to be any sort of middle ground reached? Did they always have to act like this? 

"Enough of his bitching," Karkat said. He drummed his fingers on the desk as he started fiddling with the light novel's cover. "Tell me more about this book."

Sollux muttered something else under his breath about it being not just a joke before slamming his head on his desk. Tavros turned to Karkat with an O-shaped mouth like before, gesturing to him. He was met with a shake of the head and a lip reading. Or, something like that. He was never any good at those.

Then again, there was a reason this series would be a favorite for this troll. And he knew just how to get it across!

Well. 

Sort of.

"O-oh, um . . . the focus of the, uh, story, is a little unique."

"How so?"

"Well . . . "

"Wait, does it focus on fights and shit?!" 

"Not on fights . . ."

He saw his ears perked up immensely.

"Huh?"

"Well, what did you say?"

"Well, I - I just said that the book doesn't really . . . focus on fights. J - just on romance."

"I thought novels like that focused more on self insertion of the worst kind."

"Heh, w - well, some do," Tavros muttered. He flicked a finger as he glanced away. "All depends on the, uhh, genre . . . And, then some. Trust me, I've read around that block more than once."

"Haven't we all?"

"Heh, true." Tavros flicked a few pages along the edges and added, "And, like I said, this series is actually okay. It just focuses more on romance, dating between characters, relations . . ." His eyes darted up, catching a newly credulous look forming on Karkat's face. "Well, there are fights, a-and there is the occasional curse word, but . . . o-overall, I say it's a good series!"

He kept up a small smile as the troll across from him swiped the book. He flipped the pages delicately - that, uh, that's not the way the pages were meant to go - 

"He does have a, uh, troll friend, and they do become red later on, I guess."

"Fucking called the hack writing," Karkat murmured. Dave was not kidding. He really had no subtly. Tavros bit his lip again, harder, as Karkat sighed and pressed a finger to his temple. "So, is it red or black?"

Tavros gulped and decided to speak. Better tell him now than never.

"It starts out . . . pale, actually."

" . . . So, no senseless pushing of hard-core romance from one side to the other without a shred of red-black consent?"

"Nope."

"No shitty cliches?"

"There, are some, I mean, those are almost unavoidable."

"Nothing that can be considered 'inappropriate to read around family', right?" The way his fingers bent at those words seemed almost too rehearsed. And somehow seemed pretty mean.

"Oh, heh, trust me, it's safe!"

Silence.

"Tell me more."

"I'd, uh, be glad to, actually, but I'd be giving away the plot," he said. Tavros tapped the cover and shrugged lightly. "I don't wanna do that."

He saw Karkat eye the paperback. There was a new spark in the troll's eyes. One that looked just as good on him as satisfaction. He felt his smile come back.

"I-I don't mind you borrowing it. I, uh, have the sequels."

He never expected the classroom door to slam open again.

Then again, no one did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew Hussie owns the characters. This is just for fun!


	14. oh you can go and harpoon my hot ass!

The mere attempt to call the troll at the door "overdressed" would have been met with something akin to a death sentence.

He was dressed to the nines, tens even. Twelves, if such a thing existed.

Striped pants decorated thinly modeled legs, a plain white belt brightened the ensemble and kept the pants at a respectable height, and a very vivid black shirt with an odd symbol was placed on his torso, revealing a very light chest for his age. Rings of gold adorned each finger, some little red gemstones littered on some bands. A long thin scarf-covered neck led to a smooth and intense looking face. His hair was slicked back, proud at the front, with a small quiff of hair being decked in a purple tint. His horns zigged and zagged on his head.

Give him a few years, ladies and gentlemen, and he could very well be the next Adonis of Skaia City. 

The yellow eyes of a predator scanned the room as he adjusted his glasses. The rings on his hand flashed in the light. On each side of his face, small fins quivered. Fish fins, to be exact. He had aquatic blood in his system. Purple blood. The highest of ranked bloods, and the highest of ranked trolls. No doubt his look wasn't just a look of choice. It was one of status. Power. Class. And he knew it all too well. 

The troll preteen stepped from the doorway, eyes firmly fixed on Sollux. His footsteps were just as elegant and fixated as his intent. A cape billowed from behind him as he walked. It only made him look more refined. At least he thought so.

The crowd that had brewed behind him partially dispersed into the hallway and the classroom, already abuzz with gossip and fanfare. Questions in the crowd arose as to who he was and why he was in their classroom, along with who he was trying to talk to. Pictures were being taken on phones, videos were being recorded, and some girl in the back fainted.

A small smirk made its way on the finned troll's face. Oh he was enjoying this. 

Dave smirked as he appeared near Karkat's desk.  

"They start yet?"

"Right on time, Strider," Karkat muttered, fingers between light novel pages. Already his focus was diverted. Time to see what this series had in store. "Right on fucking time."

"Let the show begin."

The air grew heavy and dropped around the two. Tavros ducked under his desk, wary of his horns, as the two trolls kept staring each other down. Better to not be caught in the crossfire. 

It wasn't long before one of them spoke.

" . . . Ampora."

". . . Sol."

"I'm thurprithed you're here," Sollux said lightly as he tilted his head back on his chair. A crack was heard in his neck. "I thought you'd be douthing it up at Derthe Academy."

"Oh, that's cute, Sol, but no," the finned troll said with a smirk. His eyes were extremely narrowed beneath his glasses. "I w-wanted a change in wenue, so I transferred here instead. This w-was w-what I w-was tryin' to tell you before ya banned me from messagin' ya." He flicked a few strands of hair from his face and added, "Bet you're actually glad to see me, eh Sol?"

"About ath glad ath a rat ith to thee a thnake."

He let a small laugh loose. High and mighty, yet not too deep and profound. An elegant laugh, for sure. Ampora pressed a ringed finger to his forehead while adding another overly eloquent, and grandiose, wave of his left hand. "Just w-what I w-was expectin' from you."

The corner of Sollux' eye twitched. "What'th that thuppothed to mean?"

"It means, Sol, that you hawen't changed a bit."

"No one thangeth over a thummer, dipthit." Sollux' eyes scanned the fish before him. He felt a smirk come on. "And, if memory therveth me right, you haven't changed thinthe grade thchool."

"Pity, I w-was hopin' for some good insults." He took a step to the left and continued his attempts at sizing himself up for the smaller troll. And man was it not working as he hoped. "Guess yah used them all on Kar?"

"Leave me out of this." 

Sollux smirked and adjusted his glasses. He stood up and got on the finned troll's level. No real reason, he just felt like he had to stand up and measure the height of shit that was being stacked before him. He let his arms drop and raised his head. He really hadn't changed at all. 

"You. Collothal. Theafaring. Cunt."

A shimmer of multicolored light ran across his glasses. It bounced between him and Ampora, his eyes being hidden by the lenses and the lights above him. The lightning turned literal as a few small sparks of red and blue light dripped from the yellow troll's eyes. His fists were tight and ready for pounding. Ampora's arms, meanwhile, were crossed and were gaining speed and fierce demeanor. They, too, balled up as he head reared back some. Low growls came from the backs of both their thoats.

Lines were being drawn in heads as fast as they were crossed in real time.

A power keg was nearly ready to blow.

The trolls' imposes silence was broken with the occasional sigh and photo snap from the mock paparazzi. A few complaints sprang forth while others began to leave the room again. Someone in the crowd wormed their way forward while a few students left the classroom without incident. Others started shouting.

"Why's he mackin' 'n th'n'rd?"

"Are they just gonna talk?" someone groaned.

"Enough of the Jojo posing, get to the nitty gritty!" 

"It's like the Little Mermaid and the douche prince had a wild night in Vegas, and left their hellspawn in the clutches of a state senator."

"Heh, nice one," Gamzee whispered. He was met with a fist from Dave, right on the knuckles. Always a good one. "Got any more?"

Sollux snickered. "Pretty accurate," he muttered.

The sea-troll's face dimmed as he faced the blond. "Hey, I can hear you, Strider!"

"Yeah, that was the point."

He crossed his throat with a sharp thumbnail. "Don't make me turn you into sushi, Strider!"

Karkat groaned. He kept his face buried in the book. "Can we go one fucking day?!"

Someone high fived Dave as another student snapped a photo of the trolls. Sollux continued to snicker. Ampora, in turn, snorted and felt his own anger rise. Why was he laughing at that?! His parents were respectable, not at all how Strider managed to say they were! Insult or no, they were a wonderful pair and he had no right to insult them! Just as Sollux had no right to laugh at such a horrid insult.

"W-what the hell is jus' so funny, huh?!"

"Reality ith, welcome to it," Sollux snickered. He kept his smirk and firm stance. His fist slacked. "Try to come back to it thometime."

"I am wery w-well grounded in reality, thank you wery much!"

"Right."

Sollux couldn't help but stretch that word as far as it could go. The look on the sea-troll's face was more than worth it. And at the same time, it was worth punching it off. Maybe if he got the timing right . . . 

"I'm jus' gonna say this, Sol," Ampora grumbled. Two of his fingers tapped the chin of the smaller troll, who was showing no signs of submission. "It's been a w-while, so I'll let yah come back an' hang w-with me if yah just - "

The hand was slapped away as the sparks grew more intense. Whatever the troll had to say, it was clear the mustard blooded troll was not in the mood to hear it. Ampora gained a purple blush on his fins and face as he braced himself. A few desks were knocked out of line with a forward thrust. Hands grasped at hands as they began to push back and forth. 

At last the crowd was getting what they wanted. Front row seats to this shameful display of somewhat inelegant emotions. Dave was already snickering as Gamzee was bent over, trying to help move a certain long-horned troll from the makeshift battlefield. Chatter amounted on all sides as someone tried to start a chant. It never took off the ground. 

And Karkat read.

"You are such an arsehole!"

A swing and a miss. The crowd went nuts.

"Fuck off!"

A kick to the shins. No backing down. Revenge.

"Damn it that hurt!"

"Try thith then!"

A groan came from the purple troll as a knee embedded itself into his chest. The swift punch to the face was enough to cause some pain but the slap to the other's was more of an ego wound. 

"Go get Fargoed into a fucking woodthipper!"

"Oh, you can go and harpoon my hot ass!" 

"Okay, I am going to ask this as politely, and as sincerely, as I possibly fucking can . . . and I hope that _someone_ gives me a response this time . . . " Karkat grumbled. The book in his hands slammed close. Once again, the plot, and the romance, had to wait. He stood up slowly. "Can we go ONE fucking . . . day without someone threatening to skewer someone else?!" 

The two trolls paused and turned to face the now glaring beast. Someone in the back screamed something. A male troll groaned as a student in the hallway yelled something else. The crowd began to filter itself out of the room, lowering the volume to whispers and groans. Trolls, humans and everything in-between left the room while others sat down and started whispering about the scene before them. Dave and a reluctant Gamzee fled with the group. Make it so that nothing had happened.

Karkat's gaze turned back to the two trolls, who lowered fists and feet. Ampora grit his teeth. Again this would have to be delayed. The time he'd spent working on this encounter was ample, and the planning was almost solid. Even she told him so, even if it was under somewhat false pretenses. And now, here he was, yet a-fucking-gain, being given the shorter portion of the prodding implement.

His face hardened as he glanced to Sollux. He could see the blood pooling in the troll's face. Defeat was on it. But, it was not neglected.

"This ain't ower."

With a flick of the cape, and of the middle digit, the finned troll, Eridan Ampora, turned and left. Sollux returned the gesture in kind, and let his tongue hand out. Eridan let a small growl loose as he slammed the classroom door once more. The echo of it could be heard in the halls, along with the footsteps of students and a larger being. There was always that one person.

Sollux, with a groan, slammed his face back on the desk. His happiness, over. His life, over. His sense of balance and fragility in school and life, over. And all because of a single fish dick.

The classroom seemed normal as the teacher entered the room. The light chatter was not enough to fool the eyes of the man. He started to give indirect orders and questions. And that same someone started to spill. 

Karkat sighed and kept his eyes on the book. Why the hell did he have to fucking do that? 

"Wow . . . they really seem to hate each other," Tavros muttered by the door.

"I've been telling them that for the past fucking year, and they _still_ don't believe me," Karkat said. He reopened the book. 

"You'd, uh, think otherwise . . ."


	15. There Is No Such Thing As A Bad Idea, Except When Ampora Is Involved.

"Perhaps you can aid me in deciphering the third equation?"

"Oh, that one?" Calculator buttons tapped. A page turned. "It is x plus 5. It took quite some time to come to that answer, given the substitution method did not aid me much."

"Thank you, Kanaya. I was muddling over the answer for a while."

"As was I."

She flipped the page and continued to write the streams of textbook-copied nonsense in her notebook. Equations to the left, methods of working them out properly to the right. There had to be some preservation of order.

Nimble troll fingers skimmed the page as she wrote down more numbers and formulas. She kept wary of the trim on her sleeves. She had readjusted these sleeves from hand-me-downs and was more than determined to not loosen the stitches. She narrowed her eyes at the bottom of the textbook and let them wander to her skirt. Dust. As she had suspected. A few light pats and the remnants of textbook dust were gone.

Well, those that she had tried to imagine were there in the first place. She need some asemblence of an excuse to avoid looking at numbers for about five nanoseconds. 

Her eyes wandered at the same time towards her left. To this girl.

This mysterious, intriguing, indifferent girl.

Posh neon blonde hair curled up under her black headband without so much as a stray strand. A deep cryptic smile was already on her face from studying both the numbers and the teacher's profile. Whatever she was thinking was bound to be as interesting as what she had expressed in class earlier.

A plain, yet exquisite, white collared shirt with an exemplary embroidered purple tentacled creature on the pocket covered her upper half, while a deep purple skirt lay firm and wrinkle free across her lap. No belt was there, nor was there a need for one.

Her form was perfect as it was. Adding a belt would only compound her style. Then again, compounding and changing her style may make her look more appealing. Perhaps a neon purple corset and some ringlets of gold in her hair. Or, pearls?

No. Too gaudy. And she looked far more appealing with shorter hair.

Not that that was the point. Mind away from those thoughts, and back to the outfit ideas.

Now, the purple dress was a good thought. Purple seemed to be the most complimentary color for her. It balanced her out, made her narrowed and intelligent eyes shimmer even more.

And those eyes were now on her. She retreated with her gaze and thoughts, wary of Rose. She dared herself to not look back. Not yet. The pencil tapped, mimicking writing. All according to plan.

Back to the dress. It had to be a dark shade of purple to match her pale complexion and hair. Perhaps some black, and some satin robes. And an added golden rope sash, something not too particular, or not too fancy. Not that she needed it, really. She was already appealing.

Mentally.

Mentally appealing, of course.

Physically, she was as she was, and nothing could really change that, aside from her simple fashion sense, or her endearment to the color purple. Or her vast intellect and 

Or to how she could so effortlessly read someone without so much as a single - 

"Are you redressing me in your mind again, Kanaya?"

She was struck with a sudden gasp and turned back to see a familiar eyebrow up in the air with a somewhat sassy smile. Those eyebrows had to have been the one thing she happened to share with her twin. Well, that, and their extreme notes of verbosity and sarcasm in the written form. No doubt about it. 

Her cover had been blown.

The awkward smile on Kanaya's face was enough to reveal her answer. She fiddled once more with the instrument in her hands, lightly tracing some form in the air. "Forgive me, Rose. I was fixated on your outfit once again."

Rose placed her pencil behind ear and glanced back to Kanaya. "I wonder if this because you are adjusting to school studying in place of your fashion studying. In of which case, I say you must quickly, as they say, 'get back in the swing of things'."

"I have been pondering the notion of obtaining a sketchbook for these moments . . . " She kept her hands close together, managing to switch the positions of her thumbs in a way only she could. "Designing these outfits and dresses on the confines of a page may allow me to retain focus in other fields."

"That is a viable option." A finger was placed to her chin in a befuddled look. Her small purple eyes met the yellow ones before her. "I was going to suggest that I, as a close friend and confidante, offer my assistance and allow you to create these works with me as your working model."

"Oh believe me, I cannot let you go that far for my sake."

"It would be no trouble, Kanaya."

"I suppose I would take your word for it, then."

There was a small chuckle on the other side of the shelves. 

"Then you should know that I never break my word."

Rose let another small smile loose. That smile spoke so much in terms of emotion, yet carried with it little space or presence. Her leaning was casual, yet dipped down lightly. Her pencil was still beside her ear, her hand now on her chin. Interest was climbing in the young psychologist. She wanted to gain another perspective of the jade-blooded troll, she knew. Perhaps another round of 20 Questions? Or, another vampire movie at her house?

The sudden laughter on the other side of the shelf was sharp and completely unexpected. Annoying even.

And already growing far more annoying with each notch.

The girls straightened up and returned to their posts. Nothing unusual or indicative of quadrant activity going on during school hours. At least, not in this corner of the library. Kanaya tapped her paper. She coughed lightly and decided to speak.

"Perhaps there is a . . . _better_ place to study?"

"Not that I am currently aware of." Rose shook her head and turned to the next page. "As I recall, we searched for a quiet place to study prior to today. This corner of the library was all we managed to find."

As much as those words stung, she had to admit: Rose was right. Everywhere else during study hall was occupied with lackadaisical students, role players and ne'er-do-wells. Finding a study section in the library where students weren't predominantly on cellular technology or spouting random pop culture references was, in itself, a whole new challenge.

Luckily, no one dared to approach this side of the supernatural section. Not after last year's rumored incident.

"At least the auditory damage to our studies here is minimal," Kanaya whispered. 

"It was intended to be." Rose nodded, and lowered her brow. The laugh behind them came up once more, along with a rush of footsteps. And there went the brow's height again. "I do understand if you want to move our study spot, though, Kanaya."

"It would be most efficient." She flipped the page and found another problem. Parenthesis and it suggested substitution. Wonderful. "Perhaps we can utilize the eastern part of the roof."

"Ahh, the side that blocks the wind."

"Yes."

Rose flipped another page before drawing herself to the troll preteen. "I was under the assumption that the drama club used that spot on Tuesday and Thursdays to practice their myriad of one acts and quips, but I believe the leftmost corner - "

Another bout of footsteps and a few whispers sent the two girls' gazes behind them. A blur of purple was making its way across the library shelves near them, followed by a few blurs of green and black. The heights ranged as they continued down towards their section, followed by a few sighs and a groan. The laughter from before had long since died, and was replaced with swift footsteps. 

Rose narrowed her eyes and tried to get a clear picture of the incoming figures. Flash stepping had never been her strong suit, but she had come to determine her brother's moves due to his body language and current mindset. Perhaps there was something to it that could be applied with others.

Alas, her eyes needed to be trained more. 

The flashes of violet and light wisteria died down in the chair across the girls. The troll that now sat there, panting and trying to hide his sweat, was bearing a glance left and right. His demeanor was one that had seen better times, and he looked physically weakened. His glasses appeared fogged, indicating an overexertion. 

Rose took note of his fingers. Jittering, clammy, tensed in the arms. Trying to not make any noise. His legs were drawn apart and ready to allow instant take off if something came about the corner. Light gasps to diminish noise, abide the library rules the person apparently seemed to remember. His teeth were fully visible, not out of diminished dominance, but out of residual fear. 

Her eyes turned back to Kanaya. She was wearing a new expression. Worry lines on her forehead, anger fogging her lenses, a tense frown forming on her face with her lower jaw being clenched tightly. She had seen that look before. She sighed and turned back to the male troll.

She had to show some etiquette. Even if it was to him. 

"Hello, Eridan," Rose muttered.

"Glad t'see you again, LaLonde, Kan," Ampora replied. There was a lighter tone in his voice. Friendship, it was not. "Trust me, not the best time t'talk," His bottom lip was bruising from his bite, and his nails were beginning to clack louder on the table than the rings on his fingers. "Just absconded, hidin' right now-w. Think ya tw-wo can help me out here?"

The two girls exchanged looks before turning back to the royal purple-blooded troll.

Yep. He was the same Ampora. Not much had changed.

"I would, believe me, but I feel as if you're asking us to harbor you as though you were a fugitive," Rose said. The slyest of smirks was painted on her face. "And I value my school career far too much to have the words "aiding and abiding escape of a criminal" on it."

"Oh fuck that out the door," a muttered response flew out. Nearly silent hands swatted something invisible off of his cape. "I can assure yah this situation is far more important than some academic record."

"Doubtful," Kanaya felt herself utter. Her eyes caught a few other flashes behind the shelves, and followed them. Her curiosity stayed with her as Eridan's flinching continued as they grew closer and farther in intervals. They turned back to the scarf-wearing troll as he hid himself with the chair's back. "And yet, I am curious."

"As am I. What exactly are you running away from, Eridan?" Rose asked. And there went an eyebrow. "Another interaction with my brother?"

"As if I'd go an' try anything with the dreaded W-word W-weawer himself," he scoffed. "Beneath me, really. No offence."

"I am . . . honestly not sure how to take that statement."

Her eyes narrowed. This sea-faring troll was always around when she least expected it. There was always something about this troll that just made her want to erroneously hurt him. Just, take him by his overly starched collar and swiftly and literally knock every electron in his head into a new level of unconsciousness.

And pray that there would be people ready and waiting to applaud her for doing so.

"Y'can take it anyw-way ya like, LaLonde," the troll whispered. "And I do mean anyw-way . . . " He gave a sly wink. 

Was that mannerism supposed to be cute, or endearing? All it succeeded in doing was make him appear far more disgusting and angering. As if that was even possible. At least she had enough decorum to not cringe in his presence. 

"Flattered as I am, I will still have to reiterate," she whispered.

"I presume you were reprimanded for your fashion being against dress code?" Kanaya coldly asked. Her eyes narrowed in on the scarf. "Please tell me I am somewhat right . . . "

"No, and you w-wish you had one o' these," he hissed. He tugged the material, claw barely indenting the fabric. "Pure. Silk."

"Pure. Disgust."

"Ah bite me, Kan," he whispered louder.

Rose tapped the table twice, drawing their attention. "If you may?"

"Right," he groaned. The yellow eyes beneath the clear lenses darted to the right. His fingers curled on the mahogany. Clearly he was done playing around. Possibly displaying some more resentment and anger than usual. "I got in a fight w-with Sol."

Kanaya's sigh and response were swift and sharp. "On your first day back? Honestly, Eridan, I thought you were better than this."

Rose's gaze remained flat. She could not say it. She definitely could not say it. Not after the way Kanaya so eloquently put it. There was no way she could even match that. 

Fins twitched in agitation as the troll in the chair drew himself up. The same jittering claws were now pulling something from his pocket, and pulling the glasses from his eyes. His hands wrung a small silken cloth before they started to wipe the lenses down. The pathetic movements seemed to try and convey empathy, but something was holding it back. It also did not help his eyes were closed at the same time.

Scrunched in pain it was, but open to interpretation it was not. His whine was nearly silent, and gave less of an empathetic reaction than he seemed to intend. Eyes back to Kanaya. She was not moved either. She glanced back.

"I didn't w-wanna start somefin, really," he whispered. His claws traced the metallic finish. Searching for words now. " I tried t'talk to him. Peaceful like. Jus' for old times sake, I guess. I dunno, I think it could'we gone better . . ." 

"And in turn, you instigated him into a fight," Rose finished.

"Not exactly, LaLonde . . . " The preteen put the glasses back on his eyes and reopened them. That wasn't the story he was going with, apparently, because they were glittering at this stunning pinpointing of reality. "I mean, sure I kinda said somefin, and he did too, don't get me w-wrong, but - but I did not w-want a fight goin' on."

They glittered more, and started to shake, along with the face and the frame. Rose kept her steadfast look. She had to. At this point, she was just listening. Nothing more. Kanaya was doing the same, despite her leg moving more towards the troll.

"An' now-w . . . I jus' . . . oh cod!"

His face was buried in his hands within seconds. The figurative board of 'Eridan having an Emotional Meltdown' could be erased and rewritten with ease. She sighed before seeing a dainty troll hand pap the fluff of the purple hair on his head. She knew it was obligation, especially on Kanaya's part, but that action was still unnecessary. 

"Now, now, Eridan," she whispered.

A light sob came from the buried face, along with the muttering of something about a fight.

"Perhaps this situation can be amended?" Kanaya asked. Her hand continued the motion as the fins twitched twice. 

"I suggest an immediate visit to the nearest authority figure," Rose added.

A lighter murmur came from the hands and from the table about being honest. And something about a kick to the buldge. Rose was lucky to keep her composure there. 

"I am not sure how to respond to that, but I do know getting this off of your chest would be most effective," Rose restated.

" . . . y'sure?"

"Positive," she said. She was not the one to be giving this advice, since Kanaya was administering the proper pale treatment. But, credit where it is due.

His face as he rose back up was far lighter than before. As if he had not been crying, which did not surprise the blonde. 

He had perfected the inane yet useful art of the fabrication of tears. 

Rose heard Kanaya swear under her breath, adding how she could fall for that every time. Her hand became a fist in seconds. 

"Thanks, girls." He pointed his fingers, charged his thumbs, and fired his hands. His wink and click were just as disgusting as his gesture. "I ow-we ya both one."

"I will hold you to your word, Eridan."

"As will I," Kanaya stated. Her arms stayed crossed. There was no way he would willing repay something this small or completely trivial. 

The preteen walked off, keeping his silence heavy and his hands up and moving like guns. Did he honestly think that made him 'cool', or 'special'? If only she had a mirror she could hold to his face, just to let him see how incredulous that motion was. The girls continued to watch the finned troll walk off, leading to a scurry of footsteps. 

"Well, that was nearly pointless."

"Indeed."

"Do you think we should keep that promise in mind?"

Kanaya felt a smirk form. "There is no such thing as a bad idea, except when Ampora is involved."

A small chuckle came from Rose. Kanaya felt a small smile form. Dealing with the purple blooded fool was all worth it if she could laugh like that more often. Kanaya turned her attention back to the page. These problems beckoned as much as interactions did. 

"It seems Eridan is still the same," Rose suddenly whispered.

"Indeed . . . "

"In more ways than one."

Rose pointed towards a slot between the books that revealed the clock. Kanaya sighed.

That slender, single-minded fish. Time had gone by twice as fast with him around.

"Study hall is almost over," Rose sighed. "It appears as though we will have to wrap up our algebra studying early."

"A shame." 

The books closed at the same pace before someone else decided to speak.

"I do happen to have some free time this evening," Kanaya whispered.

"Perhaps you would like to aid me in analyzing my newly acquired film, then," Rose said lightly. She began to whisper, putting her things away slowly. "I am rather eager to hear your opinion on this actor's portrayal of vampirism in a modern society that has been muddled by teenage influences."

Kanaya's smile met with Rose's. 

"Only if I am allowed to critique his behaviors accordingly, and bring to light the inaccuracies of his relationship with certain melodramatic human females and werewolves."

"I will have my clipboard at the ready."

"Wonderful."

She felt her cheeks warm with her jaded green blood. Now was the perfect time. Today seemed more than perfect for a subtle invitation for a rendezvous.

Nothing intimate.

Just, a rendezvous. 


	16. CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A TSUNDERE?!

adiosToreador [AT]  has opened the memo  "wORLD OF STRATEGY".  
AT: i, uHH, hOPE THIS IS OKAY , , ,   
turntechGodhead [TG]  has entered the memo  "wORLD OF STRATEGY".   
TG: oh you got it up   
TG: not a bad title for a beginner   
AT: oHH, uHH, yOU THINK SO?   
TG: nah mine was worse   
TG: then again it may have been better all depends on the situation i mean you didnt have to deal with some asshole troll breathin down your neck for a title  
AT: oHH, uMM, oKAY THEN,   
TG: its ok man just messing with you   
AT: oHH, kAY THEN, , , aT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST , , ,   
AT: sO, HOW DO THESE MEMOS START OFF? dO WE, dEBRIEF EACH OTHER, i uHH, GUESS, tHAT'S THE TERM, oR, uHH, dO WE WAIT FOR kARKAT? oR , , , sORRY, i'M JUST NOT SURE,  
TG: usually i wait for kitkat and 2d to get here first   
AT: oKAY,   
TG: yeah   
AT: , , ,   
TG: . . .   
AT: , , ,   
TG: . . .   
AT: , , , sO, uHH, hOW ARE YOU?   
TG: i am the finest of fine man   
TG: no one is more fine than me right now   
AT: oKAY,   
TG: just me chillin by my lonesome in my crib letting my worries fall wherever they may not bothering to get my phone a little alone times needed just gotta get all familiarized with the sound of silence from time to time   
TG: but nothing like that gets to me yknow sort of used to being the one guy who chills out in the back like a majestic lone wolf   
TG: ya pickin up what im putting down  
AT: i, uHH, dON'T THINK SO , , ,   
AT: bUT, uHH, sPEAKING OF, uHH, bEING ALONE, aRE YOU HOME ALONE RIGHT NOW?   
TG: nah kanayas here with rose   
TG: think theyre watchin a new vamp movie can nearly hear em from my room if ya catch my drift  
AT: wOW, iS THE MOVIE THAT LOUD?   
TG: wow man thats still hilarious   
TG: it means theyre mackin on each other through that shitty psychotechnobabble movie critiquing   
TG: cant get that shit outta my head after i hear it   
twinArmageddons [TA]  has entered the memo  "wORLD OF STRATEGY".  
TA: ju2t bee thankful you don't 2hare a wall wiith her.  
TG: brutal   
TG: and im erasin that image now   
TA: and you're welcome.   
AT: i SHARED A ROOM WITH rUFIOH FOR A WHILE, iF, uHH, tHAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, , ,   
TA: tr.   
TA: dude.   
AT: wHAT?   
TA: do u2 all a favor.   
AT: oH, SURE,   
TA: never lo2e that iinno2en2e.   
TG: please   
TG: dont   
AT: oHH, kAY THEN?   
AT: oH YEAH, uHH, hOW ARE YOU, sOLLUX, aFTER ALL THAT MESS TODAY?   
TA: ii don't wanna talk about iit.   
TG: and now we come live to 2d as he chats it up with the adorkable bull after how todays hot shit went down   
TA: 2triider . . .   
AT: uHH , , ,   
TG: rumor on pesterblog and in the halls has it that you and ampora are already doing the cell block tango  
TG: care to elaborate on that mr captor?   
TA: ii . . . have no comment.   
TG: is there any truth to the rumor that the other partys parents bribed the principal to lessen your sentence or is this just halltalk   
AT: dAVE . . .   
TA: ii have NO fuckiing comment. now 2hut the fuck up.   
TG: aight dude no need to get hostile   
TG: just itchin to get some good bits for my blog gotta keep up on current events in the halls for the sake of my readers attention spans  
TA: WHAT reader2?!   
TG: right in the gutt   
AT: oKAY GUYS, cALM DOWN . . .   
TG: hey i didnt do this to you man you wanna blame someone blame the punk who started this whole frigging mess by kicking you in the bonebulge or whatever the hell its called in biology   
TG: or the spielberg who filmed the whole thing  
AT: tHERE'S VIDEO?   
TG: shoddy video  
TA: exactly! that ii2 what ii2 fuckiing buggiing me!   
AT: tHE VIDEO?   
TA: NOT THE VIIDEO!! ii. cannot. fuckiing. 2TAND that collo22al wa2te of 2pace 2carf-weariing upper-crap hiip2ter-tra2h dou2heno22le!  
TG: heheh whoa   
AT: w-wHOA, lANGUAGE!   
TA: oh language rule2 can go 2uck on my "double dong2"! thii2 guy de2erve2 every 2iingle fuckiing iin2ult ii can thiink of! ii can't thiink of ONE 2IINGLE GOOD MOMENT where he wa2 iinvolved! everythiing he doe2, he doe2 ju2t two fuckiing 2piite me! or anybody el2e who he fiind2 "beneath hii2 royal purple fiinned feet"! . . . the fuckiing ba2tard . . .   
TG: dude like him practically screams 'kick me im so desperate ill make out with a pillow i embroidered with my tears'   
AT: wELL, tHAT'S, uHH, rEALLY SOMETHING , , , mINUS THE, uHH, kICKING PART, , ,   
TA: ii got detentiion for THREE day2 becau2e of that fii2hdiick!   
AT: sO, tHEN, uMM, wHY IS THIS A PROBLEM?   
TA: becau2e . . . iit wa2 2UPPO2ED two bee TWO WEEK2. TWO. WEEK2. iit wa2 evenly 2pliit, and that ba2tard begged hii2 parent2 two change the whole thiing! liike THE FUCKIING BABY HE II2!   
TA: do you know how much that fuckiing bug2 me?!   
TG: about as much as the third matrix movie   
TA: oHH, tHAT'S A LOW BLOW , , , i THINK, aND, uHH, , ,   
TA: well, whatever. what'2 done ii2 fuckiing DONE.   
TA: ii can hack hii2 2y2tem later.  
AT: sORRY, b-bUT , , ,   
TG: silver lining man you can hang with us on the game longer  
TA: nope. ii got grounded. my mom ii2n't aware ii'm onliine riight now.   
AT: uMM, sOLLUX, i , , ,   
TA: what?   
TG: whats up  
AT: wELL, tHIS IS MY, iDEA, bUT, uHH , , ,   
TA: yeah   
AT: i JUST THINK , , ,   
TA: waiit.   
TA: no.   
AT: hE DID, uHH, sORT OF, lESSEN YOUR PUNISHMENT, sO , , ,   
AT: NO.   
TG: oh my god   
TA: tr, iif you are about two 2ay what ii thiink you are goiing two fuckiing 2ay . . .   
AT: mAYBE , , ,   
TA: fuck that iidea two nonexii2tent hell and back!   
TG: oh my fucking god   
AT: yOU COULD , , ,   
TG: dont do it   
TA: ii can name over a THOU2AND other thiing2 ii'd rather do than bend over backward2 and kii22 the feet of that pretentiiou2 a22hole! maybe even two thou2and thiing2!  
TG: i see your anger and feel you man but is the quirk really needed there   
TA: what quiirk?!   
TG: jk nevermind   
AT: i, JUST THOUGHT , , ,   
TA: well you thought WRONG. ii am not goiing two thank that nook2taiin for 2hiit! 2o take that thought and 2tow iit 2o far back iin your braiin that iit ii2 left two rot!   
TA: and don't you fuckiing ever try and briing that back up, tr. ever. agaiin. 2o help me, iif you do, ii am not goiing 2 hold my2elf accountable, dammiit!!   
TG: wow   
TA: 2o ju2t 2hut the fuck up, and fuck the HELL off.  
AT: i , , ,   
TA: . . .   
AT: , , ,   
TG: . . .   
TA: . . .   
AT: , , , i'M SORRY   
TA: . . .   
TA: tr, waiit   
adiosToreador [TA]  has become idle.   
TG: fucking wow   
TA: fuck.   
TG: just fucking wow man   
TA: oh fuck me . . .   
TG: way to just be honest and unearth all that fucking rage tonight after who knows what else went down today poor bulls gotta be feelin shit tier right now just crying those bright eyes out  
TA: ju2t . . . damn iit . . .   
TG: god there must be a blackout here cuz i am seein nothin now   
TA: oh gog he diid not de2erve all that . . .   
TG: shades are still on sure but this black haze is shit man all stoked and choked up here can barely breath   
TA: oh gog what the fuck ii2 wrong wiith me?  
TG: this shit is redick someone mustve set off a grenade of the ol' fashioned spade hate the news is already pouring in with helicopters and their newly hired bouncy busted newscaster babe probably fresh outta derse college with some preppy name like rina or dana  
TG: howre things down there dana 'shit's hit the fan big time, dave, and it looks like we have casualties'   
TG: how many civvies we talking dana   
TG: 'hard to tell but we have the remains of a broken and bleeding heart next to a preteen's corpse and he appears to be grasping at it like a weapon'   
TG: send that shit to green day, they'll make a killing   
TA: ii get iit! geez, ii get iit already . . .   
TA: damn iit man, you're good.   
TG: so ive been told   
TA: gog thii2 headache ii2 gettiing wor2e . . . iit'2 torture . . .   
TG: you ever try sitting upside down in your chair   
TA: why the fuck would ii do that? that'd ju2t make iit wor2e.   
TG: dunno   
TA: gog ii am the wor2t friiend . . .  
TG: i think thats debatable   
TG: none of us are the best friend material   
TG: at most we are all shit   
TG: some of us shittier than others   
TA: true word2 of wii2dom . . .   
TG: mind tellin my sister that   
TA: ii appreciiate the humor but iit'2 not workiing riight now, 2triider.   
adiosToreador [TA]  is no longer idle.   
TA: 2hiit, tr, ii'm 2orry about all of that. ii ju2t 2pewed 2o much 2hiit on you there, and that wa2 not what ii wanted two do. ii wa2 ju2t 2o mad at ampora and my2elf, and then ii went the whole fuckiing day wiithout ventiing, and then ii ju2t exploded, and . . .   
AT: sOLLUX, i  
TA: and, fuck me, man, ii am ju2t awful 2ometiime2!! ii don't even know why ii yelled liike that . . . ii even yelled iin my own fuckiing room! thank gog my mom diidn't hear.  
AT; wELL, tHANK GOODNESS, bUT   
TA: but nothiing, man. ii get iif you're up2et. you're not the fiir2t troll ii yelled at liike that. ii totally get why you had two vanii2h, ii mean kk diid that the fiir2t tiime, two . . . fuck that wa2 a niightmarr   
TA: rtyuyui   
TG: what the fuck   
AT: iS EVERYTHING OKAY?   
TA: iit'2 good. ii ju2t . . .   
TA: . . . leviitated the keyboard agaiin.   
TA: and my chaiir. that wa2 new.   
AT: aGAIN?   
AT: wAIT, wHAT HAPPENED?  
TG: oh yeah you dont know about 2ds freaky kinesis shtick   
TA: miight need two bee iin per2on two explaiin that me22.   
AT: i THINK, bUT , , , sTILL, uHH, sOLLUX, i DO GET WHY YOU WERE UPSET, aND, uHH, i UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WERE YELLING, sO, i'M SORRY FOR BEING IN, yOUR WAY, aND, i'M NOT UPSET, sO, yOU SHOULDN'T BE SO UPSET, i GUESS, , ,   
TA: fuck man you're not the one who'2 2uppo2ed two bee apologiiziing. that ju2t make2 me feel liike even more of a 2cumbag . . .   
AT: wAIT, i'M NOT?! oHH, i-i'M SORRY!   
TA: damn iit thii2 ii2 gonna come back two haunt me . . .   
TG: id offer semantics but whatd be the point   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]has entered the memo  "wORLD OF STRATEGY".  
CG: TAVROS, I NEED TO REPICK YOUR BRAIN IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T COME OFF AS FIGURATIVELY OR LITERALLY FUCKED UP. WE CAN TAKE THIS TO ANOTHER MEMO OR DO THIS SHIT HERE, EITHER OR. AND JUST BECAUSE I SAY THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT'S OPEN SEASON FOR INNUENDO, STRIDER.   
AT: oH, uHH, sURE, kARKAT,   
TG: bout time karkat its nearly quitting time where the fuck were you   
CG: AT THE CORNER OF "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS" AND "GO FUCK YOURSELF".   
TG: thats a new one   
TA: perfect fuckiing tiimiing, kk. a2 u2ual.   
CG: WOULD HAVE SHOWN UP EARLIER, BUT IT SEEMS THAT WAS A SHITSTORM I HAD TO AVOID. AND, NOT FOR MY SAKE.   
TA: yeah, probably for the be2t . . .   
CG: SO I HEARD.   
AT: bUT, uMM, iT WASN'T, aLL THAT BAD,   
TA: and fuck he'2 nice about iit . . .   
TG: that was reason two   
TA: oh go fuck your2elf.   
AT: uHH , , ,   
CG: RIGHT. SO, TAVROS, I'M ON CHAPTER 7 OF THIS LIGHT NOVEL, AND SO FAR, HAVE TO SAY, YOU WERE COMPLETELY FUCKING RIGHT. PALE AS FAR AS THE FUCKING EYES CAN SEE. SURE THERE WERE MOMENTS I HAD MY DOUBTS, BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY NOT A COLOSSAL WASTE OF MY ATTENTION AND TIME.   
AT: yES! sEE, i TOLD YOU! bUT, uHH, tHOSE DOUBTS WILL PERSIST, jUST A MINOR HEADS UP, , ,   
TG: oh god more of this quadrant bullshit   
AT: uHH, , ,   
TG: permission to leave this memo  
TA: a2 2econd iin command ii 2ay you have the riight two leave . . . and 2o do ii . . .   
CG: NOPE. YOU FUCKTARDS ARE STICKING AROUND FOR THE LONG HAUL.   
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK DIED AND MADE *YOU* SECOND IN COMMAND?!   
AT: tHAT'S, , , a GOOD QUESTION, aCTUALLY, i ALWAYS PICTURED KARKAT AS THE, uHH, lEADER, oF SORTS,   
CG: DAMN RIGHT!   
TA: pfft...   
CG: ALRIGHT SMARTASS, OUT WITH IT!   
TA: ii'm 2orry, but . . .   
TA: kk? our leader? ii thought that wa2 ju2t a joke we came up wiith over the 2ummer.   
terminallyCapricious [TC] has entered the memo  "wORLD OF STRATEGY".  
TC: a'IgHt, I'm HeRe NoW! lEt'S jAm On OuR nExT sWoRdSdAnCe, MoThErFuCkErS!   
TG: may have to hold up on that jam sess gamz seems kitkats got a new fascination that supersedes our next match with vriska   
TA: that iin iit2elf ii2 a liittle hypocriitiical 2iince he wa2 on our ca2e earliier thii2 week two beef up our game. what happened two that, kk?   
CG: I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF VRISKA'S GAMING AND REAL LIFE TROLLING BULLSHIT! AND I AM DAMN WELL QUALIFIED TO LEAD US TO A SATISFYING AND WELL FUCKING DESERVED VICTORY EVEN IF IT DESTROYS MY FUCKING HP GAUGE! SO, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE FROM YOUR CURRENT AND DE-FACTO LEADER, SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
TG: hahaha oh man i can practically see the red through the screen   
CG: SHUT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK *UP*, STRIDER! I WILL SLAP YOU SO FAR SIDEWAYS THAT THOSE SHADES WILL BE EMBEDDED INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETS!   
AT: tHAT, uHH, sOUNDS, rEALLY PAINFUL,   
TA: and yet, my curiio2iity ii2 piiqued on whether or not that ii2 po22iible.   
TC: i SaY kArBrO's A rAd As HeLl MoThErFuCkInG lEaDeR!   
CG: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH, GAMZEE!   
TA: the leader ii2 not 2uppo2ed two 2tay iin the ba2e.   
CG: WOULD YOU PREFER SOMEONE ELSE STAY IN THERE? LIKE, OH, SAY, DAVE?!   
TA: oh fuck no!   
TC: aLl ThOsE tReEs, MaN . . . gOnE . . .   
TG: hey leave me outta this   
TG: and that was an accident dammit   
AT: i, uHH, wON'T ASK,   
CG: BEST IF YOU DIDN'T. SO, BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS INTERRUPTED WITH THIS ONSLAUGHT OF PURE INSANE DOGSHIT . . . I WAS READING THIS CHAPTER, AND THIS WEIRD AS SHIT WORD CAME UP FIVE TIMES, AND I HAVE NO SOLID IDEA ON WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS.   
TG: i could tell yah what it means  
CG: LIKE HELL I TRUST YOU ON THAT!   
TA: 2o then why not 2earch onliine liike a normal beeiing?   
CG: BECAUSE I WOULD PREFER TO *NOT* GO DOWN THE VIRAL ASSHOLE OF THE INTERNET. *AGAIN*.   
TC: yEaH, tHaT's A pLaCe No OnE wAnTs To Go DoWn. TrUsT mE.  
TG: least no ones checkin your internet history behind your back   
CG: WHAT?   
TG: nothing kitkat   
TG: just tell us this word already im getting antsy   
AT: i HATE TO, uHH, sAY IT, bUT SO AM, i , , ,   
CG: YEAH, BUT THERE'S EVEN A FUCKING CONTEXT TO THIS SINCE THEY USE THIS AT LEAST SO MANY TIMES IN THIS BOOK! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS AND THEY THROW THE WORD AROUND LIKE IT'S A FUCKING INSULT! THIS WORD IS A FUCKING ENIGMA!   
TA: that word beeiing?   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A TSUNDERE?!   
AT: oHH!   
TC: :0?   
TG: say what now   
TA: that 2ound2 famiiliiar, actually.   
AT: oHH, rIGHT, bECAUSE OF THE JOKE WITH HANAMI IN THE THIRD CHAPTER , , ,   
CG: YES! THAT ONE! AND THEN IT GETS REFERENCED TO IN THE FIFTH CHAPTER AS IF IT WASN'T TEN FUCKING PAGES AWAY! WHAT THE FUCK IS A TSUNDERE?! IS IT JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR 'BITCH', OR - OR WHAT?   
AT: oKAY THEN , , , a TSUNDERE IS, tO MAKE THINGS SIMPLE, iS , , , oHH, wAIT, HOW DO i MAKE THIS SOUND SIMPLE?   
TG: try us were gullible   
CG; HOW COMPLICATED CAN THIS WORD BE?   
AT: oKAY, i, uHH, tHINK I REMEMBERED HOW MY BROTHER, rUFIOH, dESCRIBED IT TO ME,   
AT: hE SAID, 'a TSUNDERE IS, hARD ON THE OUTSIDE, sOFT ON THE INSIDE, aND, cAN BLOW AT ANY MOMENT, bUT,' uHH, , , , oHHM wHAT DID HE SAY? , , ,  
AT: hMM , , , i CAN'T REMEMBER, hOLD ON , , , i'LL GO ASK rUFIOH , , ,   
adiosToreador [AT]  has left the memo  "wORLD OF STRATEGY".  
CG: . . .   
TG: . . .   
TC: uHhHh . . . ShOuLd We   
TA: no.   
TG: hell no.   
CG: I FEEL SICK NOW . . .   
TA: the feeliing'2 mutual . . .  
TG: welcome to the club of shitty friends we have jackets   



	17. Memos from the Desk of Karkat 2

terminallyCapricious [TC]  has begun pesteringcarcinoGeneticist [CG]   
TC: HeY kArBrO! i WaS jUsT uP aNd HeAdEd To ThE mEmO wHeN i ReMeMbErEd SoMeThIn' I wAnTeD tO aSk YoU. :0)  
TC: cOmE oN, mOtHeRfUcKeR, i KnOw YoU'rE tHeRe! YoU gOt YoUr WiCkEd RaNcOr IcOn JaMmIn' In ThE cOrNeR.   
TC: wOnDeR wHy ThEy CaLl It RaNcOr . . . KiNdA sOrTa SoUnDs LiKe A sIcK-aSs CaNdY . . .   
TC: aHh ShIt ThErE gOeS tHe DrOoL fAcToRy, HoNk . . .   
TC: AnD iT's On ThE kEyBoArD . . . wHoOpS . . .   
CG: UUUUGGGGHHHH . . . WHY IS IT EVERY FIVE TO TEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE IS OUTRAGEOUSLY ENDOWED WITH THE PRESENCE OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE MY BRAIN ACHE WITH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BEAT OF MY SOMEHOW-NOT-DEAD-YET-STILL-BLEEDING HEART?   
CG: AM I JUST BEING PERPETUALLY SPUN ON SOME COSMIC WHEEL OF FATE WHERE SOME SHITTY MAGICIAN THROWS RANDOM ACTS OF GOG FUCKING KNOWS WHAT AT ME, JUST WAITING FOR THEM TO PIERCE MY QUIVERING CORPSE?!   
TC: hEyEaH, mAn! ThAt WaS pReTtY gOoD! yAh EvAh CoNsIdEr WrItIn' PoEtRy?   
CG: I DROPPED THAT IDEA ONCE I REALIZED STRIDER AND SOLLUX WOULD GIVE ME EARFULS UNTIL THE DAY WE GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.   
CG: THE DAY I START TO WILLINGLY WRITE POETRY WITHOUT A SINGLE FIT OF ANGER IS THE DAY MY BROTHER HAS FUN FOR ONCE!   
TC: LoVe To SeE tHaT!   
CG: THAT MAKES TWO OF US. NOW WHAT IS IT?   
TC: hUh?   
CG: FOR THE - YOU PESTERED ME BECAUSE YOU HAD A QUESTION.   
TC: NoW i WoUlDn'T sAy ThAt . . .   
CG: YOU SAID SO YOURSELF AT THE START OF THIS "CONVERSATION"!! AND I USE THAT WORD IN THE LOOSEST FUCKING DEFINITION.   
TC: I dId, BuT iT's NoT a MoThErFuCkIn' QuEsTiOn, ReAlLy.  
CG: THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? I'M GETTING A HEADACHE TRYING TO DECIPHER YOUR WRITING, SO THE SOONER YOU SPIT IT OUT, THE BETTER.  
TC: So, ChEcK tHiS. nOw i KnOw HoW yOu ArE 'bOuT tHe FoUr RiGhTeOuS aCeS tHaT gUiDe ThE hEaRtS oF tHeSe MoThErFuCkInG mAsSeS aNd AlL tHaT sHiT.   
CG: YEAH, YEAH, I'M THE KING OF THE FUCKING QUADRANTS.   
TC: gLaD t'SeE yOu'Re EmBrAcIn' ThAt RoYaL lIfEbLoOd! HoNk!   
CG: . . . OH MY FUCKING GOG.   
CG: DO *NOT* TELL STRIDER I SAID THAT.   
TC: wOrD.   
TC: sO, tHeRe I wAs, ChIlLiNg At My DeSk, MiNdIn' My OwN mOtHeRfUcKiNg BiZ, wHeN i Up AnD rEmEmBeReD mY fRiEnD wAs ThE dEaLeR oF tHeSe AcEs In ThE hOlE, aNd AlL oF tHeIr MoThErFuCkIn' GlOrY! sO i SaId, 'KaRbRo HaS gOtTa KnOw 'BoUt ThIs, AnD i Do NoT wAnNa LeT tHe MoThErFuCkEr DoWn AgAiN'.  
TC: sO i ChUgGeD sOmE oF tHiS wIcKeD fAyGo FlAvOr I jAmMeD tOgEtHeR aNd StArTeD pEsTeRiN' yAh 'BoUt ThIs!   
CG: YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.   
TC: YoU cAn? Oh YoU gOt YoUr MoThErFuCkIn' WeBcAm BaCk Up? :0) I jAmMeD sTrAwBeRrY aNd MeLoN tOgEtHeR. fUcKiN' rAd CoLoR, rIgHt?  
TC: It'S lIkE pInK lEmOnAdE, bUt It HaS mOrE oF a MoThErFuCkIn' BiTtEr TaStE tO iT. :0)  
CG: AND YET, I STILL FEEL COMPELLED TO ASK . . .  
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU ARE TRYING TO ASK ME?! YOU HAVE DERAILED THIS FUCKING PESTERING SINCE THE FIRST FUCKING WORD! I AM NEARLY FUCKING *DONE* WITH THIS SHITFEST!   
CG: AND OF ALL THE HOURS OF THE DAY, WHY ASK ME AT THIS FUCKING HOUR?! WHY NOT WHEN YOU FIRST GOT HOME, OR, WHEN WE WERE IN STUDY HALL?!   
TC: cAn NeVeR bE tOo CaReFuL, kArBrO. wAlLs HaVe ShArP eArS. pLuS mY mOm NeEdEd SoMe Of My WiCkEd ElIxEr.   
CG: DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.   
TC: WhY nOt?   
CG: BETTER YOU DON'T KNOW.   
CG: NOW TALK, GAMZEE.   
TC: ImPaTiEnCe AiN't GoOd On YoU, kArBrO. aIn'T gOoD fOr BlOoD pReSsUrE.  
CG: IT'S NOT IMPATIENCE WHEN THE OPPOSITE PERSON IS DODGING.   
TC: dOdGiN' wHaT? i AiN't DoDgIn' ShIt, MaN! i Am MoThErFuCkIn' ChArGiNg HeAd-On InTo LiFe AnD tHiS mIrAcLe Of A cOnVeRsAtIoN.   
CG: IT'LL BE A FUCKING MIRACLE IF YOU CAN JUST SPIT YOUR FUCKING QUESTION OUT ON THE GODDAMN SCREEN! AND NOT LITERALLY FOR THE LOVE OF ANY GOG!   
TC: aNd LiKe I sAiD, iT aIn'T a QuEsTiOn, KaRbRo. I wAs JuSt WaNtIn' To AsK fOr SoMe MoThErFuCkInG aDvIcE aBoUt ThE qUaDs. AnD wHo BeTtEr To TuRn To ThAn YoU, ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg KiNg?   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS HEADACHE IS GETTING MUCH WORSE . . .   
TC: :0)   
CG: . . . YOU'RE NEVER GONNA LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN . . . OKAY, EVEN IF I *WERE* TO TRY AND HELP YOU OUT ON WHATEVER DESTRUCTIVE LOVE-FILLED PATH YOU WANTED TO PURSUE, KEEPING A QUADRANT FILLED TAKES A LOT OF TIME AND DEDICATION. AND A FUCKLOAD OF TENACITY AND PERSEVERANCE. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD AND STICK YOUR FUCKING NECK OUT LIKE THIS?  
TC: I aPpReCiAtE tHe MoThErFuCkInG tHoUgHt, KaRbRo, BuT tHiS iS sOmEtHiNg I fEeL tHaT i WaS mEaNt To Do. LiKe, tHe ChUcKlE-vOoDoOs LiNeD uP, aNd OuR aUrAs JuSt MeLdEd ToGeThEr.   
CG: . . . WHAT.   
TC: OuR sYnErGy, KaRbRo! OuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg SyNeRgY! lIkE . . . bOoOoSh! aH, nAh, WaIt, It WaS mOrE lIkE, uHh . . . ShArEeEeEePhHaAh!   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  
TC: MoThErFuCkIn' DeStInY!   
CG: THE SHIT?!   
CG: I JUST   
CG: N HM.;N,LBGVHBVN   
CG: CVBXCBNBMN   
TC: uSe YoUr MoThErFuCkIn' WoRdS, kArBrO. yOu LoOk LiKe YoU'rE sHoRt-CiRcUiTiNg AgAiN . . .   
CG: CAN YOU ?!  
CG: ARE YOU ?!?   
CG: GGGRRRAAHH!!   
TC: tHaT's It, KaRbRo.   
CG: THERE IS A *FUCKING RULE* HERE! A VERY! SIMPLE! FUCKING! RULE! AND DOES ANYONE FOLLOW IT?! HELL TO THE *FUCKING* NO!   
TC: tHeRe YaH gO, bRo. JuSt LeT iT oUt.   
CG: THERE ARE FUCKING RULES FOR THOSE MEMOS, DAMN IT! AND HE JUST OUTRIGHT BREAKS IT OVER HIS KNEE LIKE A FUCKING PILE OF WOOD! DOES HE *NOT* REALIZE WHAT KIND OF AN ASS HE IS BEING WHEN HE DOES THIS?! *DOES HE*?! I - I'M NOT EVEN GONNA FUCKING CALL HIM OUT ON HIS BULLSHIT! JUST - ARG - I -   
TC: DeEp BrEaThEs, UsE yAh WoRdS. nOw WhAt'S tHiS 'bOuT tHe MeMoS?  
CG: YOU'LL FIND OUT! NOW BACK ON SUBJEC   
CG: GOG DAMN IT. WORST POSSIBLE FUCKING TIMING . . .   
TC: sAy WhAt NoW?   
CG: SOMEONE'S MESSAGING ME.   
TC: wHo'S tRyIn' tO jAm WiTh YoU?  
CG: WE CAN CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION WHEN I HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN AND BLOOD PRESSURE TO MATCH. GO ENJOY YOUR PINK LEMONADE AND WE'LL TALK LATER ON THE MEMO OR SOMETHING. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS . . .  
TC: yOu SuRe YoU dOn'T wAnNa JaM aBoUt ThIs? :0)   
CG: HERE'S MY ANSWER.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has banned  terminallyCapricious [TC]   


adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]   
AT: uHHH , , ,   
AT: kARKAT , , , ?   
AT: i, uHH, i SAW YOUR, iCON , , ,   
AT: i'M SORRY, bUT , , ,   
AT: i, uHH , , , i JUST WANT TO , , ,   
AT: wELL, nOT, aNYTHING BAD, bUT , , ,   
AT: i JUST , , ,   
AT: }:( , , ,   
CG: NO NEED TO GO ON, I READ THE WHOLE GOGDAMNED THING ON THE MEMO.   
AT: oHH , , ,   
CG: YOU'RE NOT CRYING RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU?   
AT: nO, i-i'M NOT , , , i'M ALMOST, fOURTEEN, , , i-i'M NOT GONNA CRY, aBOUT THIS,  
CG: FOR BOTH OUR SAKES, I'LL JUST GO ALONG WITH THIS CHARADE AND GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. SOLLUX WAS NOT YELLING AT YOU JUST FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, NOR DOES HE HATE YOU. I CAN FULLY FUCKING GUARANTEE THAT HE DOES NOT HATE YOU.   
AT: , , , rEALLY?   
CG: YES. AND BEFORE YOU ASK IF I'M SURE, LET ME RESPOND BEFOREHAND WITH "ABOUT AS SURE AS HE ACTUALLY STILL KEEPS A FIDUSSPAWN DECK IN THE FRONT TOP DRAWER OF HIS DESK. RIGHT NEXT TO THAT HORRIBLE SEAPONY DRAWING."   
AT: aND, , , nOW, i HAVE TO ASK , , , hOW DO YOU KNOW, aBOUT THIS?   
CG: BECAUSE I JUST FUCKING DO! I AM *NOT* GOING TO ELABORATE ON THAT! I ALREADY HAVE ONE THING HANGING ABOVE MY HEAD, DAMN IT!   
AT: o-oKAY, tHEN,   
AT: tHAT'S, uHH, gOOD TO KNOW,   
CG: BELIEVE ME, HE'S GOT NO INTEREST IN SPADES, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, WITH YOU. HE'S JUST PISSED OFF AT THE PURPLE-FINNED WONDERFISH WHO APPARENTLY SKIMMED HIM OF HIS "ADEQUATELY PLACED" PUNISHMENT. HE DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT HE'S THANKFUL, SO IF I COULD QUOTE LALONDE, "HE'S DEFLECTING HIS ANGER AND SHORTCOMINGS ONTO OTHER FIELDS OF VIEW" OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT . . . SHE'D DO A LOT BETTER EXPLAINING THAT THAT I COULD.   
AT: yEAH , , , i, cOULD SEE THAT , , ,   
AT: bUT, wHY, eXACTLY, dOES HE , , , wELL, i MEAN, nOT EXACTLY, bUT , , ,   
CG: THERE'S A LOT OF COMPLICATED BULLSHIT.  
AT: , , ,   
CG: NO OFFENSE.   
AT: nONE TAKEN,   
CG: HUH. SEEMS HE'S ALREADY IN HIS DEPRESSED MOOD AGAIN. NOW'S A BETTER TIME THAN NEVER TO GO AHEAD AND ACCEPT A RARE APOLOGY FROM HIM.   
AT: i, uHH, i'LL TAKE IT, bUT, i FEEL LIKE i SHOULD, bE THE ONE TO APOLOGIZE , , ,   
CG: JUST . . . URGH! JUST DO WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO! DON'T COME CRYING TO ME ABOUT THIS SHIT!   
AT: i, wAS NOT CRYING , , , wELL, mAYBE i WASN'T , , ,   
CG: REGARDLESS. GO BACK THERE. HE'LL BE COMPLETELY FUCKING MESSED ABOUT THIS, AND I AM *NOT* IN THE MOOD TO JUGGLE THREE CONVERSATIONS . . . THIS HEADACHE AGREES WITH ME.   
AT: aLRIGHT, tHEN , , ,   
AT: tHANKS, kARKAT,   
adiosToreador [AT]  has ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]   
CG: JESUS I NEED SOME IBUPROFEN . . .   
CG: GAMZEE AND HIS ROMANCE, AND TAVROS AND . . .   
CG: . . .   
CG: DAMN IT, I FORGOT!   


tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]   
TT: While my sending you a memo right now would be considered both presumptuous and completely unexpected to the ever-wandering eyes of those about us, I feel I must still send this in regards of our prior biological commitment.   
TT: I searched my bag, and I did indeed find your notes between my books. Right where you claimed they had fallen.   
TT: I do have to admit fault on my part for this, and I will be more than glad to give them back to you tomorrow, should you happen to receive this message.   
TT: For now, I will leave you with this curt satisfaction and a simple goodbye.   
TT: And Kanaya sends her regards.   
tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]   



	18. Memos from the Desk of Sollux 2

apocalypseArisen [AA]  has begun pestering  twinArmageddons [TA]   
AA: s0rry ab0ut this. i kn0w it's late, but this is 0f the utm0st imp0rtance.  
AA: i really h0pe y0u d0n't get the wr0ng idea ab0ut this.   
TA: waiit who the fuck ii2 thii2?  
AA: it's aradia! y0u kn0w, tavr0s' friend?   
TA: waiit, WHAT??!!   
TA: how'd you get my u2ername?!   
AA: y0u gave it t0 me when we first met, remember? you slipped it t0 me like y0u just t0uched a jellyfish.  
TA: oh, riight . . .   
TA: ii mean, not that ii'm not 2hocked you me22aged me, cau2e ii'm not.   
TA: but ii am now! mo2tly becau2e you're me22agiing me now, but 2tiilk;' '   
TA: 2hiit, hold on   
AA: are y0u 0kay? y0u seem a bit 0ut 0f it.   
TA: ii2y chiill. tru2t me. no floaty bu2iine22 here. i'm ii2y. totally cool. defiiniitely.  
AA: y0u seem m0re . . . 0verheated? >_0   
TA: . . .   
AA: i kn0w, puns aren't really my thing. i just th0ught that w0uld help t0 lighten the m00d.   
TA: well . . . nii2e try, ii gue22? 2orry, ii get enough of tho2e from gz and ds.   
AA: y0u get puns fr0m a vide0-gaming system?   
TA: 2hiit, no! from 2triider! he'2 the douche who wear2 tho2e 2hade2 and talk2 about tho2e old rap album2.   
AA: d0n't think i've seen him yet.   
TA: good.   
AA: but i will s00n. when he least expects it at least.   
TA: okay?   
AA: but that's beside the p0int. i just wanted t0 g0 ahead and ask y0u s0mething ab0ut this weekend.   
TA: waiit  
TA: thii2 ii2n't a prank ii2 iit? there'2 no one on the other 2iide of thii2 computer laughiing theiir a22 off, or, recordiing thii2 for future blackmaiil?  
AA: i assure y0u there are n0 pranks inv0lved.  
TA: one 2ec then.   
twinArmageddons [TA]  has become idle.   
twinArmageddons [TA]  is no longer idle.   
TA: okay ii'm good. 2o what ii2 iit?   
AA: believe me when i say i'm trying t0 ask this . . .   
AA: d0 y0u kn0w the urban legend ab0ut the carpacian w00ds up by the n0rth side 0f the park?  
TA: not really, but ii heard gz talkiing about iit on2e.   
TA: 2omethiing about a gho2t, or 2omethiing . . .   
TA: waiit . . . why the hell would you bee iintere2ted iin 2omethiing liike thii2?   
AA: because i want t0 g0 in and investigate! there's s0mething 0ut there that i need t0 find.  
TA: oh hell no.   
TA: there ii2 NO way you are goiing two do thii2 alone!   
AA: 0f c0urse i'm n0t g0ing al0ne! i kn0w the full danger 0f enc0untering and expl0ring anything related t0 the supernatural.   
AA: d0ing s0mething like this 0n my 0wn w0uld practically be a suicide missi0n. its far better t0 attempt any s0rt 0f investigative eff0rt when there's m0re than 0ne pers0n.   
TA: . . .   
AA: guess i sh0uld have said that first.  
TA: oh my fuckiing gog do not 2care me liike that...   
AA: s0 that being said, i want y0u t0 c0me with me.  
TA: waiit WHAT?  
AA: what?   
TA: ju2t, liike that?   
TA: ii'm goiing wiith you on a gho2thuntiing try2t iin the Carpa2ian wood2?  
AA: it's n0t technically gh0sthunting. it's paran0rmal investigati0n. it's far safer t0 d0 s0mething like this when y0u're n0t al0ne. and i'd ask tavr0s, but . . . i d0n't want t0 see him get hurt again.   
TA: what?!   
TA: 'agaiin'?   
AA: guess i said a bit t00 much.   
AA: the p0int remains. d0 y0u think y0u can help me, s0llux? i just kn0w y0u being there will be a great help in itself.   
TA: uuhh, 2ure.   
TA: ii mean, ii wa2 gonna code 2ome 2tuff, but ii can help wiith thii2.   
TA: no problem.  
TA: con2iider iit good.   
TA: done.   
AA: c00l! 0u0   
TA: 2ure!   
AA: i'll meet y0u at the 0utskirts 0f the f0rest, n0rth side, saturday evening. i'll be there with a guide wh0 kn0ws the area well. be sure t0 c0me prepared with any means necessary f0r catal0guing paran0rmal data.   
TA: right. north 2iide of the forest. guiide. no problem.   
AA: as an added rule, try n0t t0 bring anything that has a h0listic value either. that will upset the balance. als0, n0 uninvited guests. the larger the party the m0re things will be difficult.  
TA: yeah, 2ure. nothiing wholii2tiic. no gue2t2. got iit.  
AA: i als0 need t0 make sure y0u understand y0ur full r0le here. can i c0unt 0n y0u?  
TA: hell yeah. you can totally count on me.   
TA: be2t per2on for the job, riight here.  
AA: i figured as such. they t0ld me y0u w0uld be.   
TA: yeah, ii am.   
AA: see y0u then!  
apocalypseArisen [AA]  has ceased pestering  twinArmageddons [TA].   
TA: waiit, who 2aiid what now?   


twinArmageddons [TA]  has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG].   
TA: kk you there?   
TA: ii really need 2ome help riight now.   
TA: iin the wor2t of way2.   
TA: ii thiink ii ju2t got a date wiith aa.   
TA: well ii thiink iit'2 a date? there wa2 a lot of ghost huntiing talk.  
TA: ii don't know.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  is now idle.   
TA: fuck ju2t an2wer already!   
TA: 2eriiou2ly!!   
TA: ii know you're there! the rancor iicon's bliinkiing, damn iit!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  is no longer idle.   
CG: WHAT. THE FUCK. DO YOU WANT.   
TA: oh now you an2wer.   
CG: UNLIKE YOU, I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF CODING BULLSHIT FOR NONEXISTENT SEARCH ENGINES.   
TA: ii gue22 you were gettiing two the good part agaiin?   
CG: SHE WAS ABOUT TO CONFESS TO HIM YOU ASSHOLE! I HAD TO FOLD THE PAGE CORNER DOWN LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING TOOL! I PRAY TO ANY EXISTING GOD THAT TAVROS WILL *NOT* NOTICE THAT BEND! THIS HAD BETTER BE FUCKING IMPORTANT!   
TA: check the above notiice2.   
CG: I ALREADY DID. GOT ANYTHING ELSE TO PESTER ME ABOUT OTHER THAN YOUR LOVE LIFE, OR LACK THEREOF?   
TA: ii am not iin the mood for thii2 bull2hiit.   
TA: ii thiink aa ju2t a2ked me out on a date.   
CG: AS I READ. ARE YOU SURE SHE ASKED YOU OUT?   
TA: at lea2t, ii thiink 2o. ii fuckiing don't know.  
CG: . . . I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS.   
TA: 2eriiou2ly kk, ju2t hear me out. 2he 2aid 2he was goiing two iinve2tiigate that creepy 2tretch of wood2 near the park.   
CG: THE CARPACIAN WOODS?   
TA: and 2he saiid ii had two come wiith her. liike, help her record 2tuff and fiind out what'2 out there.   
CG: OH MY GOD, SO MUCH BULLSHIT - DID SHE *SPECIFICALLY* USE THE WORD *DATE* ANYWHERE IN THAT MEMO?   
TA: no, but iit'll bee ju2t her and me there, kk. iin the dark. wiith 2ome guiide.   
TA: practiically ALONE.  
CG: . . . WHY OUT TO THAT STRETCH OF WOODS? SOMETHING THERE THAT SHE WANTS TO DO?   
TA: gho2thuntiing.   
CG: . . .   
TA: ii know iit 2ound2 riidiiculou2, but hear me out!   
CG: DO YOU NOT SEE THE FUCKING RED FLAG ABOVE YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW?! THIS HAS A FEW DISTINCT EAR MARKS OF SOMETHING THAT I KNOW ALL TOO FUCKING WELL ABOUT!  
TA: dude iit'2 NOT liike that.   
TA: there ii2 no fuckiing way aa ii2 liike that.  
TA: gz may bee.   
CG: GO ANYWHERE ELSE WITH THAT INSINUATION AND I WILL SMASH YOUR LAPTOP INTO MICROSCOPIC DUST PARTICLES AFTER INFECTING IT WITH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TROJAN HORSE I CAN MUSTER WITH MY SO-CALLED "VIRUS HANDS".   
CG: AND YOU *KNOW* I CAN MAKE DO ON THAT THREAT.   
TA: ii wiill admiit . . . that doe2 2care me a biit.   
TA: but not iin the way you thiink.   
CG: IT BETTER.   
CG: AND AS FOR YOUR OBVIOUSLY PAINFUL FLUSH CRUSH, I SAY IF YOU WANT TO GO AND GET LOST IN THE WOODS WITH HER, THEN GO AND GET LOST IN THE WOODS WITH HER. AS IF I'D GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR AFFAIRS.   
TA: you're mii22iing the poiint. ii wanted 2ome advii2e.   
CG: FIRST YOU, THEN GAMZEE?! ARE YOU ALL GOING MAD?!   
TA: hey you're the only guy ii know who'd even remotely an2wer me wiith 2ome 2ort of hone2t piiece of adviice!   
CG: WHY NOT ASK MITUNA?  
CG: HE'S IN A STABLE RELATIONSHIP! HE CAN GIVE YOU ADVICE!   
TA: . . . bee 2eriiou2, kk.   
CG: RIGHT.   
TA: ii ju2t don't wanna me22 thii2 up.   
CG: DEPENDS. HOW'D YOU REACT WHEN SHE ASKED YOU TO GO WITH HER INTO SOME DARKENED PORTION OF THE CARPACIAN WOODS?  
TA: ii took iit liik ii would anythiing el2e.   
CG: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND. AND I CAN EASILY TELL YOU PROBABLY DID SOMETHING INCREDIBLY DORKY WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO HER. RULE NUMBER FUCKING ONE: DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT CAN DAMAGE THE QUADRANT RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING BAT! AND THAT MEANS JUMPING OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND DOING SOME RETARED VERSION OF A MICHAEL JACKSON MOONWALK IN VICTORY!  
TA: ii plead the fiifth.   
CG: AND EVEN THEN, IF THIS *WERE* A DATE, WHICH I HIGHLY FUCKING DOUBT IT IS AT THIS EARLY IN THE GAME, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GOING WITH HER TO THOSE WOODS? DO YOU *NOT* KNOW THE FUCKING RUMOR ABOUT THE NECK OF THAT PLACE?!  
TA: ii can fiind out damn iit!!   
TA: bet gz know2.   
CG: WELL YES, GENIUS, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK TOLD ME ABOUT THAT PLACE?!  
CG: FUCKER EVEN TOOK BE UP THERE ONE HALLOWEEN JUST TO TRY AND SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! LEAST I SHOWED HIM WHAT FOR THEN.   
TA: waiit   
TA: 2he diid 2ay two briing whatever II thought wa2 nece22ary . . .   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?   
TA: . . . what are your plan2 for 2aturday niight?   
CG: WHAT.  



	19. So that's what the horns are for.

"Of course, a troll's skeletal frame is far more flexible than a human's, but that's a lesson for another time."

The teacher at the front of the lab continued to point out the various carbonated infrastructures on the model troll skeleton. Slender fingers traced plaster bones in oblong patterns, trying to synchronize to meet the obviously reglued cranial fusion, while the class looked on in feigned interest and ignorance.

From her seat in the center of the lab, Rose continued to write the stream of information down. The persistent shifting of her gaze was almost a secondary skill at this point. No need to look down as much as someone else.

The pencil traced a bone's outline. ' _Clavicle'._ Correct spelling. Now the details. _'Seated squarely parallel to the shoulders. Connected to the chest, can be broken with intense force. Can be called 'clever' or useful for defense.'_

The youthful teacher, after expressing her cacophony, began to write on the board in what could only be described as sloppy cursive. 

"Aside from the clever clavicle, I feel a bone with far more moxie is the _ravishing_ rib!"

Her science expertise was debatable, at best. At least her language skills were admirable.

A light pause with writing.

Rose allowed her gaze to drift to the light-blooded troll group up front. Two were, predictably, on their cell phones. Texting, perhaps, or engaging in lude internet searches. The other three were pretending to pay respects to their teacher while playing some contortion game with their legs. The bends, while suggestive, were more indicative of a territorial and emotional dispute.

_'Students before me have exhibited clear demonstration of controlling personalities. May wish to talk to them at the next opportunity.'_

A human boy and girl sat next to each other beside them, looking at one another between oratory expulsions. Red cheeks, swift movements.

' _Mike and Judi possess obvious sexual tension after summer. May not be wise to get in the middle._ _.'_

On the subject of romance, her eyes moved to her neighboring seat. The short in stature and short-horned troll beside her was diligently writing notes on crinkled paper. His tinier pencil flipped and erased a sentence for what could easily be seen as the third time.

She added an addendum to her notes.

 _'Allow Karkat some residual cooling time from intense biological notation before dealing with Dave.'_ She then wrote in, ' _And let him borrow an eraser.'_

Analyzing Karkat was far too easy. Rose moved her eyes to her left, where other students sat. They were half engaged, half distracted. It figured. This newly hired college graduate was not making their science class all the more entertaining or interesting. And with them being the age they were, it was only obvious they would ignore this young upstart at this stage in her career. 

Her ears retuned to said teacher, who moved stray hairs from the down curve of her horn. She tapped the curve before giving a slight of hand towards the other. It seemed she had missed a few duplicate notes on the neck vertebrae and the skull.

"However, one of the more important things you need to know about horns is that, first and foremost, they do _not_ start out hard as rocks." The snort-induced giggles that erupted from the teacher were just as off-putting as one would have expected them to be. The minor groans from up front seemed to echo this thought. Her fingers danced on both the model's horns and her own. "No, the calcium deposits on the heads of most of you started out soft and smooth as silk!"

Trying, she was. Impact, she lacked.

"Now, can someone offer up a possibility as to why horns start off this way?"

An elementary question with a far simpler answer. A hand up front shot up.

"Yes, Milo?"

"S-somethin' 'bout 'em bein' used f'r navigatin'?"

A snort came from across the room, along with a cough. The collective level of boredom and stupidity within the class was growing by the second.

"Well, yes and no." She detached a false horn from the model and spun it about her fingers. "When we are born, our bones are soft and malleable. So too are the horns atop our heads, albeit in a smaller form. These horn nubs, Mister Milo, are much like exposed teeth atop the heads of babes, already neurally aware of their surroundings and just itching to test their limits. And much like our teeth, they too ache with growth." She placed the horn back. Rose silently prayed the teacher would realize it was upside down. "Thus why infant trolls and hybrids are often seen rubbing their horn nubs with common objects. The sensations of the stimuli give them a sense of their world while jelling their jets.

"However, as their horns harden with age, they lose this purpose and become, as most put it today, an evolutionary accessory. And as you have all probably heard in health class, horns receive a boost of growth during puberty." She knocked her horn and tried to cover a wince as a wink. "However, they do stop growing when you do. Even for people like me. Such as life."

Rose took a glance to her immediate right. As expected, there was a bright red face, seething with rage. And what could only be assumed as regret. Pitiable. 

She added an addendum to her notes as a snap was heard.

_'Talk to Karkat about his inadequacy involving his horns.'_

She moved a spare pencil in his direction.

"Most trolls like to play fight with their horns, which while amusing, is also dangerous," she stated firmly. Her finger wagged as she grabbed the chalk once more and began writing new notes. Rose began to copy them. "Those videos you see on the internet are rife with this mischief. I can guarantee you, many of them probably did not get out of those altercations unharmed. Playful sparring with your horns can leave someone with significant neural damage and heavy bleeding." She huffed, then forced a smile as she playfully rapped at her skull. "Not to mention, you can crack your craniums."

"What if I wear a helmet?" 

Some minor laughter was scattered in the room. Rose kept her eyes on the teacher's hands, which flew to both elbows. She gained a quick smile and let a fang show from the side. Here it comes.

"Well, if you choose to wear a helmet while you spar," she started, lifting her hand, "then you will be a-head of the game!"

The student who quipped snickered as the rest of the class groaned in a false agony-induced state. Rose only rolled her eyes. Not the first time someone had said something this ridiculous in this lab.

"What if I decided not to, teach?"

"Then you will lose a horn due to the force and friction from the blow. Much as how you have just lost your afternoon, Mister Zhoker."

And there it was. The laughter from the students was just as subtle.

"Now that's just not fair, teach!"

"You know how I feel about those kinds of useless questions, Mister Zhoker." She was already writing something down on a slip. "I also do not tolerate tomfoolery in this lab." Her eyes narrowed as Zhoker's hands fled to the sanctity of his lap. "You will cease your current scanning of the internet and bring your eyes back to my lesson. And as an addendum, my name is Ms. Misrunas, not _'teach'._ " 

"Come on!"

"Perhaps you would like to increase that time to an hour?"

A low chuckle came from the back of the room. It served him right. Rose had to hide her smirk. Sometimes, this teacher. Sometimes. The tearing of the slip was heard as the teacher began to walk down the aisle of tables, glancing at the students with the same look.

"Or perhaps, you would enjoy some company?"

Those yellow mixed eyes burned with the same emotion. Again, more hands dove to sanctuary as she made her way back. "Of course, I'm not the type of teacher who relishes in sending her students to detention."

Her eyes landed on Rose for a second.

"Especially those of you who excel."

Misraunas took a few more steps ahead. Her hand tapped on the table of the texters. They had been had. Again, Rose had to hide her smirk. At least she could take comfort in the fact she was one of the few people who was taking their role as student with some grain of humility and decency. And perhaps was once who gave this teacher some semblance of respect. At least when she deserved it.

Once Misraunas was back at the front, Rose's eyes dove down to her paper. She had been infusing her notes on biological factors with her psychological notes again. She'd really been careless this time. A gush of air escaped Rose's nose in irritation. Yep. Today was going to be one of those days. Her pencil glided across section of the paper as she drew dividing lines. No chances she'd memorize these notes like this and write more psychological insights on her next test.

Once the lines had been drawn, Rose turned her head back to the teacher. She was still gushing about horns.

"Contrary to what some scientists will say, others have deduced that the shape and size of horns may also reveal something about a troll/hybrid's personality and abilities."

So that's what the horns are for.

Add some talk about spirits existing within the confines of the real world, along with the possibility of a secondary dream dimension being accessible through those with cooler colored bloodlines, and then we'll have the perfect lesson. Rose erased a few words and wrote down, ' _Horns can be possible conduits for abilities and personality traits. This may make use as an odd anecdote for mother later.'_

A crumpling was heard as Rose felt a small piece of paper jettison to her arm. Karkat's yellow eyes gave a glance at the paper before they returned to the board. 

Rose gently nudged the paper open.

' _DO YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?'_

She wrote down a few words.

' _Not even in the slightest. Do you?'_

The paper was pushed back. The reply was almost instantaneous.

' _LIKE HELL.'_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a translation note, Ms. Misrunas' name means "mongrel" in Lithuanian.  
> "Zhoker" is Russian for "joker".


	20. Or liike how you have that 2hiitty pop 2ong a2 a riingtone?

"UGH . . . Just . . . FUCK this . . . "

His head fell flat on the table, creating a far worse sound than the one he wished to release. A silent prayer flew from his lips.

"What'th up, KK?" 

He rose his head and turned to the now smirking troll beside him. His nose scrunched before a finger extended.

"Heheh."

"Fuck."

"Couldn't do it, could you?"

Another finger went up.

"YOU."

He had to watch his volume.

"It'th jutht algebra."

"So it's MY fault I don't get it?!"

Not that loud. Thank gog.

"No, but it will be your fault if you fail the midterm," Sollux snipped back. He snorted as he breezed through another two problems from the same book page. Fucking. Show off. "And don't make the excuthe that it'th only two monthth away. That'th what you thaid latht year."

"I was hoping you'd forget that shit." 

"Gueth what, I didn't."

This was not the first nearly silent back-and-forth the two had started over homework today. Nor would it prove to be the last. Especially due to their . . . prior arrangement.

Karkat felt a chill run up his spine. Still wearing his cardigan, but no sign of cold air in the building. Yep. Those kinds of thoughts again. He shook his head before returning to his loose leaf. At least, he tried. He could feel the usual gaze of judgment over his shoulder, eyeing his pencil strokes. Yellow eyes narrowed again. Could this fucker have been any more obvious with this display?

And for that matter, did he have to be that close?! Boundaries existed for a fucking reason!

"Thethe anthwerth aren't even right. Can you or can you not do thimple arithmetic?"

"Apparently not," he hissed back. "If you want to sit there and criticize me, then be my fucking guest. Otherwise, give me a fucking hand here!"

And of course, the troll snickered before he started lightly clapping. A stifled set of laughs came from across the table. Of course, those assholes would be laughing at this. The volume had to be kept down due to the library's rules, but at least the could retaliate with some sort of sharp comment. And did he have plenty of those in his arsenal, among other things. But for now, the sharp and witty comments.

Karkat kept his glare up at Sollux. His clapping was gone, and he was already raising a brow at his look. Of fucking course, he hadn't come to understand this unbounded anger that he had. That he was already instigating. That he would one day hear and regret ever upsetting the troll.

"KK, you're giving me that look again."

Good. He needed it.

"Whatever."

He turned and started to try and calculate more numbers. Mind off of the assholes across and next to him, start a new line of proofs. The x was the missing part of the equation, and the 14 was on the other side. No, wait, the 14 was result of dividing out a 2 and - 

"The fourteen thhould be a theven."

AND lo, the sea of anger was back. 

"Do you have to do that?"

"Hey, you thaid you wanted help, tho I'm helping," Sollux grumbled under gritted teeth.

"Not THAT kind of help," Karkat whispered loudly. He had to keep some point of volume. He had to be heard, damn it! "I mean help when I _ask_ for it, not when I'm least expecting it! Don't be an ass!"

"Kind of don't need help with that," a voice across the table muttered.

"And if it ithn't the wind beneath our wingth," Sollux sighed. His hands returned to the calculations on his paper as his eyes moved to the figure across from him. "Didn't think you'd be cool enough to talk in the library. Or study."

"Who says I need to study?" Dave asked from behind a large history textbook. He flipped a page and looked like he was reading the next one. "I've got other methods."

The snide asshole was using his phone in the library again. Karkat snorted. Then looked around and prayed for a librarian aid to walk by. 

"Like looking off Lily'th paper?" Sollux whispered. 

"Hell no. The Strider does not cheat," he hissed behind the book. Blond hairs twitched at the notion. "I meant borrowing notes from Rose. She knows what's up."

"I - Isn't, she in a - advanced history?" 

The fourth voice came from beside Dave, across from Karkat. Tavros was trying to rewrite some notes from another history book, and looked to be having more trouble than usual. Given he had the princes of Assholedom beside and parallel to him, it was a wonder he was even keeping it together at all. His patience level had to be saintly. Or otherwise.

"Yeah, but they still apply to our class."

"You have no thame, dude," Sollux muttered. He flipped a page and wrote down another formula. "No thame at all."

"Gonna question my methods again, Captor?" Dave whispered. Some hints of his usual sass were in his voice again. Yep, he was on his phone again. And was probably on that dumbass blog of his adding new quoted content. 

Some hints of his usual sass were in his voice again. Yep, he was on his phone again. And was probably on that blog of his adding new quoted content. 

"Nope. You can crath and burn your own damn thip."

Karkat sighed and turned his attention to Tavros. Enough of looking at a book. Physical contact with someone who wasn't a complete and utter asshole was needed. He caught Tavros' glance once before he looked back down at his book in some motion. His face, always timid, looked far more afraid than usual. Hurt, even. And man did it hurt him. What did Tavros have to be afraid of? 

"Thanks. I feel loved."

Karkat raised a brow before he turned to the head of the table. And felt the sea of anger rush back to meet him.

With a slight hint of confusion.

"He may not have a question, but I do."

Dave put his textbook down. Phone out. Called it.

"What?"

"Not for you, shit munch!" Karkat turned to his right. "You said before you were helping me, when all you and Strider are doing is aggravating me even further." He was already whispering through gritted teeth at the now angry-looking troll. Oh just wait, he was about ready to blow. "You said you'd help me if I helped you out Saturday, so how if this fucking fair?" Karkat quietly hissed. 

"It'th fair in the thenthe that I don't fuck thtuff up, and you get out of your cave for five minuteth." 

He was already gritting too. And those red and blue eyes were already glaring right back at him. God he just wanted to sock him in the mouth and punch the literal daylights out of him! Just, just give him a dose of the anger and rage that he was building up right now!

Dave's laughter brought them back.

"Guess you could say the bee wants to sting the goat."

Sollux' throat gasp said it all.

"W - wait, w - what does -?"

"Nope!" 

Three sets of eyes turned to the now mustard yellow troll who was trying to fumble through another question. He had worse cool skills than Strider. And that was a fucking accomplishment.

"Jutht . . . nope."

Good thing he pacified him. And there was the pang of hurt from that puppy dog look of the brown blooded troll. Ah well, he'd get over it within a few minutes. He had other metaphorical fish to fry. He turned to his left.

" O . . . kay then, second question . . . Why, in the name of any Gog, are you upside down?"

His gaze was on the floor in seconds, along with Sollux' and Dave's. Curved horns laid flat on the carpet as messy dark hair sprayed all over. A book was hanging from his hand. Hook hand. Upside down, too. Gamzee's tongue flopped about his mouth as he tried to say something, but the garbled language and spittle were not helping his speech. Karkat's rage was already present in his face. Heh, seeing red again. Better stop clowning. Lick the lips. Eyes dart up. 

"Heh, sorry 'bout that, Kar-bro. I said, this is how I study at home."

"He thudieth?" Sollux whispered.

"And you're upside down _why_?"

"Ah, it helps me think," he said. "Keeps me frosty, y'know motherfucker?" His arms rose playfully as he tried to karate chop something. Nothing there. Ah well. Looks cool. "Gotta keep the juices a'flowin'."

The smile was genuine. Karkat blinked. He was serious.

Gamzee. Was serious.

Just take a deep breath now. Take a large, deep breath, cover the left eye, just follow the technique. 

"I'd ask more, but I'm already having trouble with this algebra homework. I feel asking more from you about this would ruin any other chance I have of learning these fucking formulas," Karkat whispered. He turned back to the paper and started the next problem. "Probably better for all of us that way."

"Y'try substitution?"

"No, it's not doing anything for me."

"Imagine that."

"Shut up, Sollux."

The five stayed silent for another few minutes. The only things heard were the scratches of pencils and the occasional grunt of frustration from Karkat. The occasional voice floated by with footsteps and blurred forms. It was suffocating. 

A cough came from one side of the table.

"Y'aight, Tav-bro?"

"Yeah, I-I'm good," he whispered. He turned another page as he wrote down more notes. "I think s - something got caught in my throat."

There was a small bing from Dave's corner. And now he was pestering someone.

"Damn it."

"Cool kid can't keep thith up," Sollux whispered with a snort.

"You didn't hear that."

"It, uh, sounded like, y - you're - "

"Nope. Just my text tone."

"Then, y - you're still - "

"Nope."

"De-Nile is not only a river in Egypt, Strider," Karkat hissed. This was going on long enough. "Just get off your fucking phone before I throw it over the shelves into the lap of an aid. You know the rules, no phones out in the library!"

"God you sound like your brother."

Oh that was the line. That was the fucking line.

"DO NOT - !" 

He had to stop and cough. Their eyes were all on his now. He was near yelling. He took a breath and slowly sat down. And prayed that no one heard him before. "Do not compare me to my shitstain of a brother. We are nothing alike. Nor will we ever be." The venom was practically dripping from his voice. "EVER." 

"Okay, take it easy," Dave whispered. He pressed a button and put the oblong object away. "See, it's up. No need to get your panties in a twist."

"They are NOT in a twist, damn it," he grumbled. A small "Uhh" drifted from Tavros' direction. But whatever. This had to be done. "How would you feel if I tried to compare you to your brother, huh?"

He saw him go stiff. Hit the nail on the head. 

"You have an older brother, Dave?" Tavros whispered. He tilted his head in a fashion so his horns wouldn't hit anything. "I, uhh, thought it was, j - just you and Rose."

"That'th becauthe he'th not hith brother," Sollux whispered sarcastically. "Jutht hith couthin."

"He's my richeously fucking awesome bro in spirit," Dave quickly muttered. "My brother _in spirit_. That works as well as any sort of cliser blood bond. I'd also say the same about John but for now I'm fine with him being a best friend and closer confidante."

"Stay on track, Strider . . ."

"Come on, man, you cannot go ahead and compare two people like that."

"You were literally saying I was sounding like my brother about five minutes ago! You're a hypocrite, you know that, right?!" He was already shaking his fist at the teen. "The fuck do you mean you can't compare two people?!" Good thing he was whispering again, otherwise, the aides would be on his back. Sollux was already closing his math book. Guess he was about to join in this 'conversation'.

"KK'th right on thith one," Sollux said. "I hate it when people compare me and Mituna. Like comparing linuxth to DOth prompts."

"Aren't those the same thing?" 

They were in sync, despite the timing being so unnatural. Tavros opted to stay silent.

"No. They are not. Never make that athumption again. Ever."

Karkat sighed as he turned his own math book page. He mumbled a word beneath his breath before he started working on another line of proofs. So, the x was already solved and he was looking for b - 

"Then again, I guess you could say I could be as cool as my spirit brother," Dave muttered.

For the love of God.

"Yeah, becauthe it'th cool to ride thair railth inthead of walking down the thairth like a normal perthon?" Dave nodded as Sollux started snickering. "Or, like, how you have that thitty pop thong ath a ringtone?"

"It's ironic."

Tavros was on a writing role as he flipped another page. Gamzee, silent as well, had crossed his legs in his seat. A sigh escaped the other two trolls.

"Are you sure? Because _no one_ likes that song," Karkat whispered back. "Not even that one kid in gym who messes with the javelins."

"Exactly." The cool kid kept spinning his pencil on his middle finger while he wore that stupid smirk of his. "That's what brings in the laughs. People don't suspect it, just sitting there, minding their own business, and then bam, you hear it. Loud as hell, but it's there. Turn left and right but no one knows who the culprit is. Who's got that song as their ringtone?" He was doing it again. He was going on another one of these long-winded and completely bullshit monologues.

Karkat pressed a finger to his temple and made a makeshift gun. He had to pull the trigger. He had to say it. He had to say it and save himself from this nightmare. He pulled his hand down as Dave finished up with a snide huff about how awesome his ringtone was. 

"I really don't think you know the meaning of that word."

"I really don't give a fuck what you think."

A chuckle came from Sollux and Tavros. It was almost impossible to tell if Gamzee was stifling a laugh or a honk, what with him already being him but the implication was still there.

Fuck all of them. 

Just, fuck all of them.

The light laughter died as quickly as it started. Karkat roughly erased the line of text he had written, then rewrote it all with more force. Rose's pencils could really hold up a lot longer than his own pencils. He'd need to thank her later for this. The silence descended again and choked the air. Even the pencil strokes were gone. 

His eyes flittered to Dave, who was now trying to focus on the page. Sunlight bounced from the angle of his shades. The lucky bastard, he got the better angle of the table and even then he was practically gloating about it behind those oval shaded lenses. Sollux, meanwhile, was ignoring it and letting the red and blue of his glasses dance on the paper. How he couldn't be bothered by that amount of colored light was beyond him and his understanding. 

Then again, how he was bothered with . . . no, now's not the time to go ahead and ask those kinds of questions. It's never a good time to talk or ask those kinds of questions. 

He was a nice guy. Sometimes. Half of the time. When he wasn't angry. Which is always. And then some. Well, maybe he was a mean guy half the time, but he didn't mean to be. W - wait, he didn't mean to be mean, but he meant to be mean when it involved these fuckers. They just bring out the rage and make the sea increase just as much as E - 

He turned his eyes down. He grumbled and erased the words he wrote. He was doing that "writing down your thoughts"-thing again that Rose went on about before.

He needed a journal or something. 

"Hey, ya wanna try this, Tav-bro?"

And of course Gamzee was the one to break the silence once more. Was it needed? By and large, no. But, in this case, Karkat was willing to make some semblance of an exception. 

"Oh, uh, sure!" Tavros started turning in his seat. "That sounds like fun!"

"Ah yeah, motherfucker! Feel this magic!"

And his faith in his friends was slipping.

Dave coughed, trying to cover his snickering, then tilted his head to watch Tavros' attempt at imitation. Karkat groaned as he sat back down and covered his head with his arms. Sollux retained his demeanor and adjusted his glasses. 

"Watchin' you guys is like watching the world's worst Spanish soap opera."

Karkat sighed and stared down at his paper. 

"I could not agree more. For once."


	21. I have never 6ef9re met a tr9ll s9 infuriating!

Nothing before that Friday could have prepared Karkat for what he saw in the kitchen. He had always known Fridays at his house to be something of a relief day, to see himself just be himself without the course need for self-loathing or judgment. A time when even Kankri could shed some part of his deadpanning and socially condemning persona to be something resembling a proper person. And considering what was awaiting him this Saturday, he had to relax now or forever hold his peace. 

Fridays weren't really days meant for witnessing or experiencing something like this. 

There, sitting at the table, probably dead-eyed, head flat forward, glass in hand, was Kankri. Stray hairs poked from his usually combed mop of dark hair, and his sweater was already showing wrinkles. Another arm was being used as a perch for his head. The glass contained a red, thick liquid.

Tomato juice. Wow. He never broke that stuff out unless he was upset. This seemed bad.

"God damn it, you look horrible," Karkat muttered. He walked past his brother as nonchalantly as possible. "You get rejected by Latula again, or did you just see her play another round of tonsil hockey with Mituna?"

A low growl came from the fallen troll.

"I am not in the mood for your vulgarity, Karkat," Kankri grumbled. He massaged his scalp in circles, looking far worse than before. "Please, for the sake of posterity, keep your volume to a required minimum. And for any deity's sake, including your own, do not use Latula's name in vain . . . "

"So I'm not allowed to show concern now?" 

He opened a cupboard door.

"I do appreciate the emotion and the nature of it, but I am not fond of your execution."

He had to roll his eyes at that one. "Gee thanks, I feel so fucking loved," the troll groaned. His hand grabbed a glass from a cupboard. "So what happened this time?"

Kankri took a careful sip of the red liquid with a sour face. "There are some things in life, dear brother, that can never be unseen or undone in the eyes of human or troll-kind," Kankri slowly stated. The younger troll's glass was swiftly filled with a soda. "And let it be known that some trolls are only placed in this world to be completely foul and degrading to one another . . ."

Karkat raised a brow, yet kept his face aligned. It was too easy. Kankri had risen from his crestfallen position and was now trying to mime out what he meant. Oh this was going to be even better, wasn't it? He was already getting into it. Welp. Knee deep already.

"You know, you can just go ahead and say you had a shit day and skip the poetic, socially-clandestine bullshit."

The elder troll's eyes were already wide as dinner plates. But, the usual retaliation was gone. For once. Kankri's face contorted before he groaned and slung it back. Yep, it had been one of those shit days. And that was when he started to drink the entire glass of tomato juice in one go.

"Holy shit - !"

The glass slammed against the table.

"I have never before met a troll so infuriating!"

That was the start of another of Kankri's "speeches".

"He is rash, stubborn, unbroken and possibly unmoved by the troubling moral of society, and is utterly obscene in every word that he speaks!"

Karkat just sat and stared ahead as he heard Kankri continue his rant.

Every day, a new rant about some sort of social injustice. Over the summer it was about the one percent margin of royal indigo blooded trolls in the higher parts of the economic thresholds, or some shit like that. Then the other day it was because some other glasses-wearing punk passed him in the hallway on a skateboard.

Of course it was against the rules. Everyone knew, no one needed it to be shouted at them like a moron. Kankri just felt the need to funnel his "intense dislike" of the "abhorrent punk" through his societal-warrior-persona shtick.

Karkat sighed and took a sip from his cup.

This time, the injustice was about some new troll on the high school campus. And this was not even half of his character analysis. 

"And you're sure that you're not talking about that gangster speaking troll girl? With the braids?" He had to think on this one. He was terrible with names most of the time. "What's her name? Meenah?"

"Absolutely positive," Kankri growled. His head slammed on the table and fell to the side. "Miss Meenah is inconclusively devilish, but his troll is absolutely abhorrent . . . far worse than Miss Meenah."

Karkat sipped his soda and continued to keep his ears open. In that time, Kankri had gone to the counter, poured more tomato juice and was already back at the table. Karkat had to double blind a few times. He was falling asleep already. More of the conversation peaked as he described the troll in question.

"His clothing is absolutely triggering," Kankri sighed, facing ahead. He was cringing the entire time. "He wears a plain white tank top that is so pale white and thin in texture that it makes him appear as a specter. His hair was slicked back with what I can only assume was the drippings of some off-branded hair product that can decay trees with just the slightest touch. It smelled far more foul, believe me, brother." He took a large drink before continuing. "His jeans were ripped at the knees and cut off at the ankles. It would not be a long shot to say they were butchered in some off-hand accident involving a hoverboard."

"You got some look at this guy," Karkat muttered. Too much of a look. Then again, this was Kankri. "What, were his horns triggering too?"

"B - by and large they were!" 

And that was not the exact response he had expected. But that was fine and dandy too. So long as he didn't try to go ahead and pressure him to have the same opinion. Kankri placed his hands above his own horn nubs, and tried to avoid touching them. He emphasized the size and curved them back.

"I - I had never seen horns like that! Such, such an odd angle! And the bend!"

"Isn't this ableist?"

"No, it is not!"

"Hey, you're the one ranting!"

"It is not ranting, brother!" Kankri hissed. He wiped from juice from his lips. "It is complaining. There is a finite difference."

"Sorry, your majesty."

"As I was saying," Kankri started, "he also had a far more foul odor coming from him, which resembled tar and smoke. He even had a cigarette hanging from his mouth, and at quite the angle of descent." He shivered again and finished off his second glass. "He was atrocious, abominable . . . just a despicably worded troll! You should have heard him talk, brother. . . . "

Karkat blinked. 

The specifics, the tone of voice, the juice. It was obvious. He smirked. He had to. He had read about this so often and so long. There was no other reason he was this upset.

"I have never heard you talk shit about someone else for this long, Kankri," Karkat said with a snicker. He let a fang show. "New fucking record. More predictable, but a new record."

"Oh cease the chatter, I am far from done," he grumbled. His arms were crossed as he sat down in the chair. "There is still much to discuss."

"Not fucking much TO discuss, Mister 'I'm-Waxing-Black-For-The-New-Guy'," he said with a shrug.

The red on Kankri's face was worth it. It was so worth it. The backlash would be terrible but the look was worth it.

"Karkat, I am SHOCKED and appalled at your accusation!" 

"Oh, as if you could be anything else?!"

Kankri slammed his hands on the table as he started to yell. "I am NOT nor will I ever be waning or waxing black or anything color resembling the absence of such for such a foul and degrading troll! To think my own BROTHER would insinuate that I hold an attraction to such an abhorrent troll is far and wide unamusing and overall INSULTING!"

"Methinks you protest far too fucking much!" Karkat yelled back. He was already on his feet too. "Sorry for trying to help!"

"I - Karkat, I am not - !"

It was on.

"Not what, jerkass?!" 

"I - am going upstairs." He pushed his chair in and left the room swiftly. "I have some homework to finish." 

The sounds of angry footsteps and a door slamming echoed within seconds. Karkat sighed and moved a stray hair from in front of his eye. As usual, Kankri fled before the going got rough. This had been happening more and more. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his flip-phone cellphone. The one Sollux kept calling a "dinothaur by today'th thtandardth". He tapped a button and went into the contacts.

Kankri was surely crying about being found out and being emotionally outed, or crying about his supposed newfound hatred of that poor, unfortunate troll to his friends. That was how he always was, and how he apparently would always be. Much to everyone's chagrin.

Karkat's claw tapped a button and a ringing started. The dial tone gave way to a familiar voice.

_"I was wondering when you'd call. You left me hanging out to dry, and in the worst way. Didn't last night mean anything to you, baby?"_

"Cut the crap, Strider. I just sat through the world's longest bullshit talk you can ever describe and I seriously need to get it out of my system. I doubt the rest of that light novel will help me out here."

_"Depends. Was it with your dad or your brother?"_

"The latter."

" _Damn, dude, you're prone to his rants and shit when you're at_ home. _You need to get out more, or he needs to get laid."_

"Believe me, I could if I would." He turned his eyes to the glass. The bastard didn't even bother to put it away this time. "But until I get my driver's license, or a fucking bike, I'm stuck here. And option two is so far off in the distance it makes a trip from here to Derse look like a step and a half."

He took his glass and grabbed Kankri's before walking to the sink.

_"Sounds like some shitstorm. Mind tellin' ol' Uncle Dave what the problem was with your brother this time?"_

"As long as you never, EVER, refer to yourself as 'uncle' anything in the future." He was already rinsing their glasses off and placing it on the drying rack. "Creepy as hell."

_"Fair."_

Karkat was already walking out of the kitchen door into the den. "My brother found some new socially unacceptable target to rant about. He was sitting at the table drinking his juice again and I couldn't help myself.

 _"And so you sat there and listened to him talk about all that?"_ A small pause, then a snicker.  _"You have some patience, Kitkat."_

Karkat released a breath through his nose. "What else could I do?"

_"Let him be?"_

"Impossible."

_"Heh, if this keeps up then maybe we can call you our group - "_

"Strider if you value ANY part of your social life - !!"

_"I'm joking, calm down. So, what's your bro doin' right now, anyways?"_

"I'm positive he's pestering his own friends right now about this. The troubled fuck."

_". . . so, you wanna have that jam session about bastard brothers now, or later?"_

He sighed.

"Ah, what the hell . . . I can talk."


	22. TC: y'AlL mOtHeRfUcKeRs WaNt A pEaNuT?

ectoBiologist [EB]  has opened the memo  "double 00 good times"  
carcinoGeneticist  has entered the memo  "double 00 good times"  
CG: AT THE RISK OF GIVING MYSELF EXTREME BRAIN DAMAGE IN THE FORM OF AN ANEURYSM, I STILL FEEL THE NEED TO ASK. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS TITLE?   
EB: hey karkat!!! perfect timing!   
EB: and the title just came to me. pretty cool, right?   
CG: IT WOULD BE COOLER IF I KNEW THAT THE HELL YOU WERE REFERENCING.   
EB: you know james bond?   
CG: THAT MAN WHO PUTS ROMANCE TO SHAME AND SHITS ON THE CONCEPT OF SPYDOM IN GENERAL?   
EB: that's . . . one way to put him. :B   
EB: but his codename is 007, and im working on coding stuff, like, binary shit.   
EB: so I thought, why not add that into the title for this memo?   
EB: i mean, i thought it was pretty clever.   
CG: AND, AS I THOUGHT, I AM NOW THOROUGHLY REGRETTING ASKING ABOUT THIS SHITTY TITLE. I CAN ALREADY FEEL THE GRAY MATTER IN MY BRAIN DECAYING INTO PUDDLES OF EVISERATED STUPIDITY . . . IT FEELS LIKE THE FINGERS OF DEATH ARE GRABBING MY SKULL AND JUST SHAKING IT AROUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING SPANISH INSTRUMENTS . . .   
EB: heh that's a new one!   
CG: OF *COURSE*. MAY THE FAKE HEAVENS FOR-FUCKING-BID THAT I RUN FRESH OUT OF NEW INSULTS FOR YOUR SOMEHOW IMPENETRABLE SKULL, EGBERT! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU POSSIBLY GO ON LIVING WITHOUT MY SARCASTIC BANTER AND WITTY COMMENTS ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT CAN COME MY WAY!?   
EB: ahahah! see this is why i like talking to you! you're a riot!   
CG: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD SARCASM *MEANS*?!   
EB: hmmmm, what is this 'sarcasm' you speak so highly of?   
CG: I AM *THIS* CLOSE TO AN ANYEURISM . . .   
EB: hahaha! just kidding karkat i know what sarcasm is.   
EB: knowing rose and dave gave me a crash course.   
CG: APTLY FUCKING PUT.   
CG: AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF APTLY PUT THINGS, WHY THE EVER-LOVING *FUCK* DID YOU PUT THIS MEMO OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAVING SOME SORT OF BATTLE MEETING WITH VRISKA, OR TRYING TO PULL THOSE MECHANIZED MONSTERS YOU CALL YOUR TEETH FROM THE CARPET!   
EB: hey my life doesn't revolve around vriska, come on karkat!  
EB: can't i just talk to you guys like this anymore without all the harsh words?   
CG: THAT DEPENDS ON HOW FAR YOU'RE WILLING TO STRETCH MY SENSE OF COMPASSION, EGBERT.   
EB: figured you'd say something like that . . . hmm . . .   
CG: WHAT'S WITH THE "HMM"?   
EB: no reason. just thinking . . .   
CG: AND AGAIN WITH THE RARITIES TODAY. SURELY TODAY IS A DAY THAT THE GODS HAVE FUCKING BLESSED! EGBERT CAN FUCKING THINK!   
EB: okay that was a good one!   
CG: OH REALLY? THEN HERE'S ANOTHER ONE! YOU LIKE BINARY, RIGHT? HERE'S SOME BINARY YOU CAN DECODE.   
CG: 01000111 01001111 00100000 01000110 01010101 01000011 01001011 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 01010010 01010011 01000101 01001100 01000110 00100001   
EB: shit that's a lot of binar   
EB: HEY!   
EB: not cool!!   
twinArmageddons [TA]  has entered the memo  "double 00 good times"  
TA: pfft diid you have two u2e a tran2lator, kk? iit'2 paiinful to watch, man.  
CG: WHAT?!   
TA: ii doubt you coded that me22 on your own.   
EB: either way i say it's clever. got me at least. :B   
CG: I CAN TOO DECIPHER THIS ON MY OWN YOU ENORMOUS BICOLORED ASSHAT!   
TA: 01110100 01101111 01110101 01100011 01101000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110010 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00101110   
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!   
EB: heh, kind of did. what gives though?  
TA: 01101110 01100001 01101000 00100000 01101001 01101001 00100000 01101010 01110101 00110010 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00110010 00110010 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101011 01101011 00101110   
EB: you and dave both, apparently.   
CG: OKAY THIS BULLSHIT WILL CEASE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! NO ONE CAN EVEN *READ* THIS BULLSHIT DOUBLE DIGIT MAYHEM!   
TA: 01101010 01101111 01101000 01101110 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00101110   
EB: damn right i can!   
CG: I AM GETTING SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW!! DAMN IT!   
CG: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER!   
CG: DO!   
CG: YOU!   
CG: SPEAK!   
CG: IT!?  
EB: nice one!!   
TA: 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101000 01101110 00101100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101001 00110010   
TA: 01101000 01101001 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101001 01101001 00110010 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110100 01100101 01110010 01110010 01101001 01101001 01100010 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110110 01101001 01101001 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 00110010 01101101 01101001 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100111 00110010 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110010 01100101 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100110 01101100 01100101 01100011 01110100 00110010 00100000 01101001 01101001 01110100 00101110 00100000   
EB: oooooohhhhhhh!   
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL *FUCK* ARE YOU SAYING?!   
EB: oh man he just ROASTED you dude!   
CG: WHAT?!   
TA: waiit for iit.  
CG: WAIT FOR WHA  
CG: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!   
EB: hahaha!   
TA: hey man, only faiir. you ragged on my moviie2, 2o now ii rag on your2.   
CG: OH YOU ASKED FOR IT!   
EB: I can't breath right now!!!   
TA: a2ked for what? more of your terriible hackiing attempt2?   
CG: NO! FOR THIS!   
CG: 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01001110 01001011 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01000011 01000001 01001110 00100000 01001101 01001111 01000011 01001011 00100000 01001101 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01000111 01000101 01010100 00100000 01000001 01010111 01000001 01011001 00100000 01010111 01001001 01010100 01001000 00100000 01001001 01010100 00111111 00100001 00100000 01010100 01010010 01011001 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000001 01000100 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01000001 01001110 00100000 01000101 01001110 01010100 01001001 01010010 01000101 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01000011 01010010 01000101 01010100 01000101 00100000 01010111 01000001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01001111 01000110 00100000 01001101 01011001 00100000 01010011 01001111 00101101 01000011 01000001 01001100 01001100 01000101 01000100 00100000 00100010 01010000 01000001 01010100 01001000 01000101 01010100 01001001 01000011 00100000 01001000 01000001 01000011 01001011 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100010 00100001  
EB: eheheh . . . whoa.   
TA: ugh . . .   
CG: 01001001 01010100 00100111 01010011 00100000 01000001 00100000 01001100 01001111 01010100 00100000 01000110 01010101 01000011 01001011 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01000101 01000001 01010011 01001001 01000101 01010010 00100000 01000110 01001111 01010010 00100000 01001101 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01000100 01001111 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000001 01001110 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01001110 01001011 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100000 01001001 01010011 00101100 00100000 01000100 01000001 01001101 01001110 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100001 00100000 01001000 01000101 01011001 00101100 00100000 01001101 01000001 01011001 01000010 01000101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01000011 01000001 01001110 00100000 01010011 01010111 01000001 01010000 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 00101010 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00101010 00100000 01010111 01001000 01000101 01001110 00100000 01001001 00100111 01001101 00100000 01010111 01010010 01001001 01010100 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01001110 01001111 01010111 00100001   
TA: oh come the   
TA: what the hell are you tryiing two accomplii2h by doiing thii2?!  
CG: 01010100 01001111 00100000 01010000 01001001 01010011 01010011 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01001111 01000110 01000110 00101100 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000001 01010100 00100111 01010011 00100000 01010111 01001000 01000001 01010100 00100001   
TA: well iit'2 workiing! ii wa2 ju2t doiing thii2 beefore two be funny, but iif you wanna go ahead and act liike thii2 then 2o fuckiing bee iit!!   
EB: yeah . . .   
TA:01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101001 01100100 00100001   
CG: 01001110 01000101 01010111 01010011 00100000 01000110 01001100 01000001 01010011 01001000 00111010 00100000 01010111 01000101 00100111 01010010 01000101 00100000 00101010 01000010 01001111 01010100 01001000 00101010 00100000 01001011 01001001 01000100 01010011 00100001   
TA: 01101001 01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100101 01101100 01101001 01101001 01100101 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 01010010 00100000 01101100 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101100 00100000 01101010 01110101 00110010 01110100 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101100 01101011 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100001  
EB: oh boy . . .   
CG: 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01010011 01010100 01000001 01010010 01010100 01000101 01000100 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100001  
TA: 01101100 01101001 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101001 01101001 00100000 01100100 01101001 01101001 01100100 00100001   
EB: uuuuhhh . . .   
CG: 01010111 01000001 01001110 01001110 01000001 00100000 01000111 01001111 00111111 00100001   
TA: 01100001 00110010 00110010 01101000 01101111 01101100 01100101 00110010 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101001 01110010 00110010 01110100 00100001 00100001   
EB: maybe i should leave . . . oh man . . .   
turntechGodhead [TG]  has entered the memo "double 00 good times"  
TG: sup   
TG: what the fuck   
EB: (perfect timing dave!! these two have been going at it like mad! help me out here!)   
TG: you look like you need it   
CG: 01001111 01001000 00100000 00101010 01001110 01001111 00101010 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101   
CG: SHIT.   
CG: OH *NO* YOU ARE NOT! THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND HIM, STRIDER! YOU WANNA STEP A FOOT IN *THIS* MUDSLINGING FEST, THEN GO AHEAD, BE MY FUCKING GUEST!   
TG: the rhyming schtick is mine kitkat you trying to put me out of a job   
CG: . . . THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR!   
EB: i'm just . . . gonna . . . go over there . . .   
CG: YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT HERE, MAN!  
TG: you sure this wasnt just your plan  
TA: ok what the fuck ii2 goiing on?   
TG: seems its not just one guy looking for attenti-on   
EB: (hehehehe)   
CG: ARE YOU FUCKERS GOING TO RHYME EVERYTHING WE SAY?!   
EB: i guess you could put it that way!   
TA: ii thiiink my headache'2 comiing back . . .   
TG: guess some guys cant handle the verbal attack   
CG: WILL YOU JUST STOP THIS POINTLESS GAME?!   
TG: well if i did then it wouldnt be the same   
TA: okay man, ii get iit. we're not fiightiing anymore   
TG: no way man now im evenin the score   
CG: STRIDER JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!   
TG: only if you wanna go down south   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!   
TG: ey man no need to cause a scene   
TA: thii2 i2 really gettiing confusiing   
EB: and maybe later we can go parusing?   
CG: ALRIGHT! NO MORE RHYMING I MEAN IT!   
terminallyCapricious [TC]  has entered the memo "double 00 good times"  
TC: y'AlL mOtHeRfUcKeRs WaNt A pEaNuT? :0)   
TG: damn it   
TA: the fuck?   
EB: i get it!   
TG: come on gam whyd you have to steal my thunder like that   
TG: i had a good one   
CG: THAT . . . WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.   
TG: just dammit   
EB: ahaha!   
TC: i'Ve GoT a KnAcK fOr It.   
TC: DiD i MiSs SoMeThInG?   
CG: NO.   
TA: ju2t a conver2atiion that we wiill never briing up agaiin. ever.   
TC: wAiT, aNoThEr OnE?   
EB: . . .   
TA: riight . . . 2orry about that, egbert.   
TG: this calls for some ol school punishments no way am i letting this go   
TG: expect a long and lengthy report about this whole black relationship shit you two  
TA: what.  
CG: WHAT?!   
TG: i understand the usual back and forth between you guys   
TG: hell it gets funny on both sides with the sick fires and burns   
TG: mostly with kitkat   
CG: FUCK YOU.   
TG: but for reals   
TG: leavin my best friend shell shocked and deadlocked inbetween you and kitkats shade throwing match is just fucked up dude   
TA: that wa2n't what you thought iit wa2.   
CG: THAT WAS NOT BLACK.   
TG: my bs detector is going ding   
CG: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU HAVE IT POINTED AT YOURSELF?!   
TG: you know i remember the bull sayin something about denial being the first thing people do in these sorts of relations   
TA: agaiin, not black. no way iin hell.   
CG: IF THAT WAS BLACK, THEN - THEN TAVROS IS NOT AS INNOCENT AS HE APPEARS TO BE!   
TC: dO i NeEd T'sAy It, KaR-bRo?   
TG: even the clown can tell   
TC: I'm NoT a ClOwN, dAvE-bRo.   
TG: you just keep tellin yourself that   
EB: i may not get that side of romance, but even i can tell something's going on between you two.  
TG: i know youre nearsighted john   
TG: but damn man   
TG: might wanna get your eyes checked   
CG: CAN WE *PLEASE* JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS?!   
TG: didnt we just talk about this kitkat   
CG: THAT WAS DIFFERENT, ABOUT MY BROTHER, AND YOU KNOW THE RULES. NO TELEPHONE DISCUSSIONS IN THE MEMOS! NEVER AGAIN!   
EB: i thought the rule was 'no more playing telephone in the memos'.   
TA: wiith good rea2on.   
TA: and what'2 thii2 about your bro, kk?   
CG: NOTHING! NOW LET'S JUST WRAP THIS UP AND MOVE ON! WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR THIS MEMO, EGBERT?   
EB: well, it was sollux who messaged me to open this up, actually.   



	23. EB: respect the proton pack!

TG: probably to talk about his date on saturday   
TA: iit'2 not a date.   
TG: but you wish it was   
TA: 2hut up.   
EB: hold up, you messaged me to open a memo about your date?   
TA: iit's NOT a date. 2he ju2t a2ked me to do 2omethiing wiith her. iit'2 not a date. and ii'm cool wiith iit.  
CG: METHINKS THE TROLL PROTESTS TOO MUCH.   
TA: yeah, pot thii2 ii2 kettle, how'2 your red-rom liife goiing?   
CG: O:B  
TC: Oh ShIt!   
TG: damn   
EB: you, uh, need some ice for that?   
CG: . . . FUCK OFF, EGBERT.   
TA: for the la2t tiime, iit'2 not a date. contrary two popular opiiniion, iit won't ju2t bee the two of u2 wanderiing out there doiing who the fuck know2 what. ju2t u2, and 2ome other guy, lookiing for gho2t2 and 2hiit. ergo, iit'2 not a date.  
TG: aight so not a date   
TG: but ya still wanna make out with her   
TA: ii wiill 2end the wor2t viiru2 two your computer, 2triider.   
TC: MoThErFuCkEr MeAnT nO hArM.   
TA: 2till gonna do iit.   
TG: chill captor   
TG: and you said you guys werent gonna be alone   
TA: 2ee above.   
EB: just did.   
TG: so then who else will be with you   
TA: 2he 2aiid 2he'd get a guiide. no iidea why.   
TC: cAuSe ThAt NeCk O' tHe WoOdS iS mAd InFeStEd WiTh SoMe Of ThE tHiCkEsT aNd MoSt WiCkEd SpIrItS, mOtHeRfUcKeR! oNe WrOnG sTeP oUt ThErE aNd YoU'rE tOaSt WiTh JaM! yA'lL mOtHeRfUcKeRs ArE dEfInItElY gOnNa NeEd Me.  
CG: OBVIOUSLY.   
CG: WAIT.   
CG: WAIT A SECOND.   
CG: WAIT A FUCKING SECOND.   
CG: WHAT THE *FUCK* DO YOU MEAN BY *THEY NEED YOU*?!   
TG: you have got to be kidding me   
EB: so, gamzee is your guide?   
TA: . . . what.   
TC: I tHoUgHt YoU kNeW, sOl-BrO.   
EB: of course! because you know a lot about that paranormal junk! it's soooooooo obvious!  
TA: . . .   
TG: and this got weird again   
TG: and for once it was not my doing   
TG: heh   
TG: hows that for irony   
TA: oh my fuckiing gog . . .   
EB: think i can lend a hand, too? dealing with paranormal stuff might be fun!  
TA: 2hee 2aiid no uniinviited gue2t2.   
CG: THEN WHAT THE FUCK AM I?!   
TA: . . . added help?   
CG: YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD HER I WAS COMING WITH YOU, DID YOU?   
TA: ii've been iin detentiion thii2 week, kk, ii've been bu2y.  
TC: wAsN't ThAt OnLy FoR tHrEe DaYs?   
CG: YES IT WAS, AND THAT WAS THE WORST EXCUSE I HAVE EVER HEARD! TELL HER, SOLLUX CAPTOR, OR I WILL!  
TA: ugh, okay, fiine. ii'll tell her when we get there 2aturday. happy now?  
CG: NOT EVEN CLOSE!!   
TG: and rose calls me irresponsible   
TA: ii 2wear the only thiing that could po22iibly make thii2 whole thiing wor2e ii2 iif 2triider 2howed up wiith hii2 camera and triied two fiilm 2hiit for hii2 nonexii2tent blog.   
TG: that thought never even crossed my mind   
EB: seriously! ghostbusting is something i would LOVE to do! i even have something that will totally lure the ghosts right to us!   
TA: we're not goiing to be "bu2tiing" gho2t2 or whatever! iit'2 ju2t a paranormal iinve2tiigatiion!   
EB: they're technically the same thing! oh come on! please?! i have JUST the thing for this sort of thing!  
TG: no way hell stop this now man  
TC: WhAtChA gOt, JoHn-BrO? a OuIjA bOaRd?   
EB: ghost detector, AND a proton pack!   
TA: tho2e thiing2 aren't real for 2hiit.   
CG: YOU MEAN THAT PIECE OF CRAP VACCUM CLEANER YOUR DAD HELPED YOU RIG UP FOR HALLOWEEN TWO YEARS AGO?!   
EB: hey! respect the proton pack!   
TA: egbert, 2triider, aa 2aiid no gue2t2. 2omethiing about 'them' notiiciing or 2ome 2hiit. LA2T thiing ii wanna do ii2 go and 2crew thii2 up.   
TC: UuHh . . .  
CG: SO THEN I'M OFF THE HOOK?  
TA: you're 2tiill needed.  
CG: FUCK!  
EB: aauugghh! not fair, dude! i had the best thing possible for ghostbusting and you just turned your nose up at it!  
TG: ey man its cool we can hang out in the woods later and mess shit up there without these rag tag assholes draggin us down  
TG: you bring the pepsi ill bring the cola   
TG: you bring your proton pack ill bring my camera and we can romp with some of the hypest ghosts until the sun comes up  
EB: hell yeah!  
TC: I dOn'T tHiNk ThAt YoU  
CG: HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU TWO?!  
TA: come the fuck on you a22hole2! iit'2 not even my decii2iion two make! beeliieve me, ii would iif ii could.  
CG: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED *ME* FOR?!  
TA: ii thought you could hiide iin the 2hadow2 or 2omethiing and feed me iinfo!! ii don't know!!  
TA: uugghh, dealiing wiith you guy2 ii2 makiing me feel liike  
adiosToreador [AT] has entered the memo  "double 00 good times"  
AT: oKAY, i, uHH, i'M HERE NOW,  
TA: 22hiit!  
EB: wait who's this guy?  
AT: sORRY, i, uHH, GOT LOST, aND, uHH, tYPED IN THE WRONG MEMO, , ,  
TC: lEaSt YaH gOt HeRe OkAy, MoThErFuCkEr!  
EB: seriously, who's this guy?  
TG: right you two havent met yet  
TG: john this tavros the adork-a-bull  
TG: tavros this is john the jokester  
TG: keep the smalltalk to 20 words or less  
AT: oHH, nICE TO TALK TO YOU, uHH, i GUESS, iS HOW IT IS,  
EB: nice to meet you!  
TC: TaVbRo, JoHn-BrO hErE iS a TrUe MoThErFuCkIn' JoKeR!  
EB: now, now, gamzee . . . . i prefer the term 'master prankster'.  
CG: GAMZEE MAKARA, DO NOT FEED HIS ALREADY LARGE ENOUGH EGO. I CAN ALREADY SEE IT THROUGH THE FUCKING SCREEN . . .   
TG: come to think of it hes more of a prankster than a jokester  
EB: two votes yes!  
CG: GRAH!  
AT: hEHEH,  
TA: . . .  
AT: wHAT'S WRONG?  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO FOR TWO MINUTES?  
TA: hate two do thii2 two you, tr, but iit ha2 2 be done.  
AT: wAIT, wHAT?  
AT: wHAT, uHH, wHAT DO YOU  
twinArmaggedons [TA] has banned adiosToreador [TA] from the memo "double 00 funtimes"  
TG: holy shit   
EB: why'd you do that?!   
TG: wtf man he just got here  
TC: . . .  
CG: ALRIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK GIVES NOW? AND YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD FUCKING EXCUSE.  
TA: ii do. aa 2aiid 2omethiing about tr and how 2he diidn't want hiim two get hurt agaiin. ii don't really know what that 2hiit mean2, but ii thiink iit mean2 he can't be there 2aturday, or even know about thii2 me22. at all.  
TG: for real  
TC: iT fEeLs LiKe ThE rEaLeSt Of ReAl.   
TA: iin fact, ii've been haviing 2ome weiird thought2 about thii2 whole 'paranormal iinve2tiigatiion' thing.  
TC: LeT iT fLy FrEe, SoLbRo!   
CG: THEN OUT WITH IT!  
TG: ymean aside from the fact its sketchy as trollslist  
TA: iignoriing.  
TA: ii ju2t have thii2 feeliing that 2ome weiird 2hiit ii2 goiing to go down iin that neck of the wood2. iit'2 liike 2ome voiice iin my head ii2 telliing me to go wiith aa two the wood2, and fiind . . . ii dunno, 2omethiing up there. ii have no iidea why ii feel liike thii2, and ii have no iidea what the hell we'll do up there. ju2t, that 2omethiing need2 u2 two bee up there, and thii2 ju2t needed two happen.  
TC: AhHhHhHh YeAh MoThErFuCkEr! MoThErFuCkInG dEsTiNy!   
CG: . . .   
EB: you're not really hearing a voice, are you?  
TA: ju2t an expre22iion, egbert.  
TC: HeH.  
CG: SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU'RE GOING ON THIS PURELY OUT OF FEELING? JUST, ON SOME RINKY-FUCKING-DINK FEELING YOU HAVE.   
TA: do not 2tart.   
CG: THAT.   
TA: do not.   
CG: HAS GOT.   
EB: duck and cover, duck and cover!  
CG: TO BE.   
TG: karkat   
CG: ONE OF THE FUCKING *DUMBEST* THINGS I HAVE EVER HEARD! AND THIS IS COMING FROM YOU, THE GUY WHO SAID ONCE BEFORE "GHOSTS DON'T EXIST"!  
TA: have you met me? ii 2ay a lot of thiing2.  
CG: *CLEARLY*. I THOUGHT I'D HEAR SOMETHING LIKE THIS FROM GAMZEE, BUT *SOLLUX* NOW?!   
CG: IS EVERYONE I KNOW GOING MAD?!  
TA: you wanna 2ee MAD?! ii'm 2tiill pii22ed about before! come over iirl and we can 2ettle thii2!   
TG: comon guys thats it   
TG: no more shade throwing or youre gonna get banned  
EB: so, uhh, GAMZEE, out of curiosity, what, uhh, what exactly is in the carpacian woods?  
TC: yOu AiN't EvEr BeEn OuT tHeRe, MoThErFuCkEr?  
EB: dad never lets me go to much of the woods after what happened with dave and my bike.  
TG: guy tries to pop a wheelie once  
TC: ThIs PlAce'Ll MaKe YoU lOsE yOuR mOtHeRFuCkIn' MiNd! DoZeNs, NaY, hUnDrEdS o' PeOpLe HaVe VeNtUrEd InTo ThE tHiCkEsT dRoVeS oF tHe CaRpAcIaN wOoDs, AnD sElDoM dOeS oNe ReTuRn . . .  
TG: helluva introduction  
TC: FoLkS sAy ThE pLaCe Is A gAtEwAy To AnOtHeR mOtHeRfUcKiN' dImEnSiOn, AnD . . . aH sAy ThEy'Re RiGhT. aH'vE sEeN tHiNgS uP tHeRe, BrOs. ThInGs No HuMaN oR tRoLl ShOuLd SeE.   
TA: that'2 all ju2t hear2ay . . . ii mean, come on, no one beeliieve2 that 2hiit.  
TA: riight?   
TC: yEaH, y'CaN sAy ThAt AlL yOu WaNt, WoN't Do No OnE aNy GoOd. PlAnTs GrOw In WeIrD sHaPeS, pEoPlE hAvE gOnE mIsSiNg - It'S a MoThErFuCkInG pLeThOrA o' GhOsTs AnD sHiT! aNd ThAt AiN't ThE wOrSt MoThErFuCkInG tHiNg 'BoUt ThOsE wOoDs.  
CG: W - WHAT'S OUT THERE?!  
EB: yeah, what's out there?!   
TC: WeLl, ThErE's TaLk Of A dIsEmBoDiEd HeAd ThAt FlOaTs OuT tHeRe AlL uNsEeN lIkE . . . bObS uP aNd DoWn WiTh ThE bEaT oF yOuR hEaRt . . . SuPpOsEd To WhIsPeR tHiNgS 'bOuT yOu ThAt YoU'd NeVeR aDmIt T'eVeN yOuRsElF . . . aNd ThEn ThErE'S 'tHoSe WhO hAvE bEeN lOsT' . . . tHeY wHiSpEr AnD hAuNt YoU 'tIl YoU sLoWlY . . .   
TC: gO . . .   
TC: hOnKiN' . . .   
TC: mAd.   
TG: you sure   
TC: As SuRe As ThE cHuCkLe VoO-dOoS cOuRsE tHrOuGh ThEsE mOtHeRfUcKiN' vEiNs.  
TC: As SuRe As ThE cHuCkLe VoO-dOoS . . .  
CG: CAN I OPT THE FUCK OUT NOW?! *PLEASE*?! SEE?! I'M EVEN BEING CIVIL ABOUT THIS!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE DO *NOT* MAKE ME GO WITH YOU!  
TA: wow kk, that ii2 2ome 2eriiou2 fear . . . here ii thought you could handle the fore2t.  
CG: SCREW YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF WHATEVER FUCKING EMOTION IS BEING DRAINED FROM MY ADRENAL GLANDS! I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF MY BODY BEING HAUNTED BY WHO KNOWS FUCKING WHAT! I'VE ALREADY GOT ENOUGH GHOSTS ON MY ASS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!   
TG: then make it a conga line of ghosts   
TC: mOtHeRfUcKeR nO.   
TG: this shits too good to pass up   
CG: LIKE HELL I AM GOING WITH YOU ON SOME DEAD-END ERRAND! I'D LIKE TO STAY SAFE, THANK YOU!   
TA: 2hut up, man! iif you're gonna bee a baby about thii2, then fiine by me! you don't even need to come iif you're gonna bee thii2 2hiitfaced about iit!   
CG: I KNOW *YOU* NEEDED IT, APPARENTLY! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ASKED FOR MY HELP IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!  
TG: aight calm the fuck down   
TA: well then who the fuck NEED2 you or your 2hiitty help anyway2!?  
TG: guys comon!   
EB; uuuhhh . . . i think i hear my dad calling me. ive gotta go. see you guys when i see you!   
ectoBiologist [EB]  has left the memo  "double 00 fun times"   
CG: IT IS NOT SHITTY!   
TC: kAr-BrO, cAlM dOwN!   
CG: NO, THIS HAS TO BE SAID!   
TA: then 2ay iit!   
CG: I AM FAR MORE THAN WILLING TO PUT MY FUCKING FEAR ASIDE AND SHOW YOU HOW I CAN GET SHIT DONE!   
TA: you 2ure about that?! cau2e ii don't even thiink a 2hort horned noob liike you even ha2 the gut2 two even 2HOW hii2 face iin the wood2 liike that!   
TA: and you call your2elf our leader!   
CG: YOU - YOU! I WILL SHOW YOU, YOU MULTI-HORNED YELLOW-BLOODED COWARD! I *WILL* BE THERE ON SATURDAY, I *WILL* PROVE MYSELF, AND THEN YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE WILL HAVE NO OTHER RIGHT TO POKE FUN AT ME AGAIN! STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS, MAKE IT TURN AND CHOKE ON IT!  
CG: VANTAS, OUT!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has left the memo "double 00 fun times"   
TC: . . . mOtHeRfUcKeR . . .   
TG: that reminds me i got some binary codes of my own  
TA: 2triider no.  
TG: strider yes  
TA: 2top.  
TG: wait for it  
TG:01101011 01101001 01110100 01101011 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100101 01101110 00100000 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101001 01111010 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100   
TA: 01101001 01101001 01100110 00100000 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100101 00110010 00101110   
TC: 01101000 01101111 01101110 01101011 00101110   



	24. THAT WAS *NOT* A SQUIRREL!

Aiding a "friend" on a "date" in a "safe" part of some supposedly haunted woods on a weekend night that could easily have been used as a perfect night for fucking game planning.

Yep.This was his life now. This was how fucking awful his life had become. He could stick a sign that read "LOSER" and "GULLIBLE ASSHOLE" on his back when he got home.

Karkat muttered under his breath how he'd have to check back with Dave on the definition of irony again. Hopefully, he'd comply. His sleeve swept past his mouth as he dusted off wind debris.

Another brisk, chilled wind rubbed against the troll, who shivered in response. Cardigan or no, it still felt cold. He muttered again, this time cursing the weatherman and the evening temperature drops.

It was mid-September. Why the fuck was it already this chilly? Consistency, Mother Nature, you fucking heard of it?!

Karkat groaned and brushed a few stray locks from his face. Enough of the useless complaining. He had a rendevue to keep with. And he had to move fast. For his sake.

The lingering panic he somehow left behind a few blocks back was coming back. There were those stray thoughts again, coming and going with another few dying leaves on the wind.

 _'Is Kankri going to catch on? He's a prick, sure, but . . . '_ The taste of claw was already on the tip of his tongue. Left, right, left went his jaw. Yep, he was doing it again.  _'He knows when I'm lying now, damn it! He's gonna catch onto this, I just KNOW it!_

 _'C-calm down, Karkat. I-if he calls I'll just say I went to Sollux' place for games. He'll obviously buy it for an hour or so._ _'_ He nodded in time with his footsteps.

Until another shrill chill phased through his body. No. Damn it no!  _'_

_No. No way I can say that! He'll call his mom again! Shit! Shit shit shit!'_

The now crunched footsteps of the distressed troll started to grow quiet. He barely noticed the trees growing around him, or the bugs that swarmed in the dark. Just, just think about something else. Anything else. Anything.

Sure what he was doing was wrong, and where he was going would be dark, and creepy, and . . . And - enough of that!

"Fuck!"

The choked whisper came out quietly. Karkat felt his spine shiver. Shit. Just . . . Stay quiet, shithead. That - that was - just no. No more of that. Focus. Focus on walking ahead.

A light quivering hand reached into his pocket and drew out his flip phone. He pressed a button. The text was as clear as when he got it earlier. 

_"meet me and gz by the edge of the carpa2iian wood2. near that fen2e. with the tree thiing by iit. you know the one. don't let your priick bro fiind out, dude."_

At least he was courteous enough to give the vaguest fucking picture of where he was supposed to meet them. It was also extremelt kind of the duo-chromatic asshat to bring his brother in the mix.

Karkat typed a few words in. Didn't care what they were. They just needed to demonstrate what he'd do to that bile-blooded nerd.

" _THANKS AGAIN FOR THE DIRECTIONS AND COMPLIANCE IN MY LIE, ASSHOLE."_

He would have added more, but that chill was back. And somehow worse. It was going to bones. He let his body shiver as he finally looked around. 

Tall, forboding, monotoned trees seemed to cover and reach down to the supossedly unsuspecting troll. A chilled, ominous breeze that came and went rattled the branches, creating some of the eeriest sounds known to any living being.

Karkat's gaze flew to the sky. Some daylight was refusing to go gently into that good night. Good. Good. Just, focus on that, keep walking ahead. He could always run back to that rustling.

Shit.

No, no, no do NOT turn around. That was probably just some animal. Like, a squirrel. Yeah. A squirrel hiding his nuts. Being sickeningly cute, and, somehow loud. In these dank, dark woods.

He gulped. Gog he hated places like this. He took a few more steps, shaking with cold. Yeah, it was cold. And he certainly was not scared. It was just anger trembles.

Yeah. Yeah, it was anger, alright. He could feel his rage bubbling up again as it did before. That troll was going to get what was coming to him for roping him along in his romantic affairs. Sure beforehand he'd gave been reluctant to help but this?

This was unacceptable! Abusive! Toxic! That psiionic dickmunch! There were so many other words he could use to describe this troll and how much of a thorn he had become! Each time he poked fun at him, or made fun of his horns, or forced him into things like - like THIS - that sea of rage kept coming back, stronger than ever.

He gripped the edge of his cardigan as he bit his lip. The warmth from his cheeks was already undeniable. Think back, it's not . . . That. No way in any hell! Captor was just Captor! They'd always argued like this! It had been this way since they were kids. Well, lighter then, but - but still! Karkat felt his head shake from the chill and the heat. Why was this a thing now? Why was this a thing to think about?

Besides, Egbert had _that_  specific card reserved for mo - 

_Shnap!_

He froze. Shit. Shit shit shit he was RIGHT in the open! There was something out there, behind him! Eyes front. Don't turn behind you. Don't look behind you. Just don't!

That was NOT a squirrel!

Karkat's shiver quickened as he heard more snaps and cricks. Shit. Something was on his tail. Something - oh - oh shit - fuck this!

The world turned into a blur. Legs sped, trees arched over, leaves passed. Dust kicked up. And Karkat kept running.

Speedy or not, there was no way in hell he'd be turned into some sort of fucking ghost appeasement or some casualty! Screw time!

Screw the rendezvous!

Screw Sollux!

This was life or dea - 

" _DOOF!"_

_THWANG!_

_"_ OH _THI_ \- " 

More leaf rustles, the crunch of twigs and leaves, and then the cool rush of the dirt. And, a warm touch.

Just as everything blurred, it all came back into view. And with it came pain. Oh Gog. So much pain. The pounding in his chest was one thing, but the throbbing of his horns was entirely different. Karkat's chills continued as he felt something move beneath him. And . . . groan?

More leaf rustling and steps came towards him, but the voice was barely making it. Among other sounds. Was it this aching? Damn it, speak up. And offer an ice pack or something. 

He tried to push himself up, but only managed to quiver and shake even more. His eyes slammed shut. How could his arms hurt - oh god these horns! Fuuuuck it was baaaad . . . He felt a groan escape his throat between a few throbs of pain. His hands soon had the sensation of bone and horn under them. Oh Gog, that hurt . . . It hurt . . . 

What did he hit?!

A warm touch reached his hand, adding a perfectly placed pap. Another. There was some more movement and muffled voices. Easy, fucker, easy . . . They hurt, sure, but . . . Oh gog, no, don't start. It hurt, but not that bad. Another pap. No, please don't. That's what she did. What she always did.

No, stop. Pap. Stop. He felt his throat ache and vibrate. Not much, but, it was starting. Oh come the fuck on, no, no, no! This wasn't - that hand was - but it felt - 

"Easy, Kar . . . "

Sounds came back. A familiar voice. But, hoarse.

"E - easy does it, motherfucker."

"Thit, man, worry about yourthelf firtht!"

"I - I'm good."

Liar. He sounded like he had the wind - oh. Wait. Oh fuck. 

Yellow eyes opened, meeting a familiar set of relaxed, and now pain-addled, eyes. Not like his were any better. His paint had been smeared from the impact. A goofy grin was on his face. The fucking liar.

"Y'alright?"

" . . . Yeah."

How else could he reply?

The troll, sprawled underneath him, was already moving his legs. He moved accordingly. Left leg right, right leg follows suit. His hand stayed on Karkat's head the entire time. 

Not, not that it was a bad thing. If he needed the fucking balance, then so be it. It was his fault in the first place. He deserved this line of shit.

"Grugh . . . " Gamzee groaned. Sollux' arm was wrapped about his as he pulled up. "Kar - Bro, you hit hard . . . " He relased a cough and tried to regain some air.

Don't respond.

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

He had to be.

"Are . . . You okay?"

"A - ain't the first time this happened . . . " The taller troll reached his height again. Sollux let go without complaint. For once. "How's the horns?"

Still hurt like hell. But. His hand. And.

"Fine."

Nod. Damn. Damn him. "Good."

Sollux, nearby, leaned on the fractured fence gate. Karkat scanned the area quickly. Fence, a dulled down rope swing.

Yep.

Just roll with it. It's how the universe loves to dish it out to its unsuspecting piss-ant victims.

"You, uhh, alright, KK?"

Fuck off.

" . . . Yeah."

His eyes darted back and forth as he started to shrink back. The pap and shoosh was getting laid on thicker now. He - he could stop now. If he wanted.

". . . That'th good."

"Sorry." Karkat took a much-needed breath. Easy with the head pain, it'll just make it worse with the breaths and heart beats. 

"It'th good," he said. No. No it was not. The tone in his voice said so. It was always that tone. He could hide it all he wanted, but it still buzzed through. Along with something else. "Jutht, take five and get your breath back."

"O - okay."

Had he knocked him into something as well when he ran into them? Damn it, just say something! Did he fuck everything up already? He felt his chill return. 

Along with a familiar hand to his face.

"G -Gamzee, I'm fine. Really."

The troll nodded and moved his hand with a harsh cough. Gog.

" . . . I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Kar," Gamzee tried to say. Mask of Comedy. He coughed and added, "You're good."

"What the hell happened with you, anyway?" Sollux asked with a tilt of his head.

Say nothing. It's better to say nothing in a debackle like this. And there was the pap again, and more warmth.

"I heard something back there."

"Thure it wathn't a - "

"No, no it was not."

A moment passed.

" 'kay, that'th it. If AA doethn't thow up in ten minuteth, I'm out."

Thank God he had some semblance of a brain. Or, a heart. Or two. Damn it all.

"How long have you been out here?"

"Long enough to thee thith plathe ith creepy ath hell," he hissed. The troll moved over and recrossed his arms. "Gthee has been no help in dethcripthionth either."

On cue, there was a chuckle. Which faded into an odd nervous manner of speech. "Ehe, uhh, might be better if yah didn't know what was around . . . "

"Thee?"

"Yeah, that's helpful as fuck," Karkat muttered. Yep, he was feeling back to somewhat normal. Despite this excruciating nub pain. He then stepped away from Gamzee. His eyes caught the juggalo's hand in midair. What the - what the actual fuck was he - "I'm good, Gamzee. Really."

"A - Aight."

"Ugh."

Okay, that was uncalled for. 

"Okay, what's with the attitude?"

Sollux tsked and looked back at Karkat. Oh what was with the attitude? It wasn't doing anyone any good! And why that added glare? The ass! 

Urgh, anger increases the pain. Karkat's hand flew to the side of his head. 

"I thould athk you the thame thing."

"What the fuck are you even - "

"The bat outta hell thtick, that'th what." The glare lightened up. And with shades of yellow. "You probably went up a notch in thpeed. Good, thinthe you're thlower than uth."

What the fuck was he going on about?! HE was the one who freaked and ran into them! Was he seriously trying to pick a fight? 

"Wha - "

There was a hand on his shoulder. Again with this? Why - ?

"Motherfucker's just worried's all," a less hoarse reply came from his left. Gamzee's grin said a lot. Gentle care, understanding, genuine honesty. "Don't take it so hard."

Karkat felt his face drop. Damn it, this whole mess . . . This forest was already getting to him. And them.

"I just don't like places like this," he huffed. His eyes scanned his immediate surroundings. The trees looked more and more like they were being pulled into the ground. So much for the other way around. " I just . . . really don't like places like this."

"What's the matter, Kar-bro? Scared?"

The shorter troll turned about swiftly, facing Gamzee with reignited fury. "Like hell I am!"

A snort came from nearby. 

"It's alright to be scared, Kitkat."

That voice.

Oh come the fuck on.


	25. so shitty it was like that one horror movie from the 90s with the shitty soundtrack

"Who the FUCK invited you?!"

The look on Karkat's face was enough to - 

Damn it, the lens was off. And it had gotten some dirt on it. 

"I know I didn't . . . "

And there was the usual brand of jerk from 2D. If that wasn't enough of a reminder.

"No one invited me. John and I were goin' on a solo mission. Remember?"

"Then why the hell are you out here when we are?!"

"We just decided to pick tonight since next week John has a date with Mistress Mindfang."

"Da - Dave! Y - you promi - *cough* - promised!"

The shuffling of nature behind him finally turned into John's huffs and puffs. He spun around, getting the geek in the shot. The dimming light was not helping in assessing his ass. Was his face red, or was that just the camera's lens acting up? 'Breathless' and 'tired' were probably the worst words to use to describe John at this point. Given their situation, he was nearly dead on arrival. He had to hold in a laugh for that one.

"You gonna be okay there, John?"

"I - I'm g - good . . . "

Yeah, he'd be okay. That was what he got for lugging that fanboy pack up the hills.

Good thing the dork brought his inhaler. 

"BACK HERE!"

And back to Karkat. 

Who was now facing away from the camera - 

"Oh come on, Kitkat, I thought we talked about this! You gotta face the camera."

"LIKE HELL."

"Damn, dude, talk about getting the cold shoulder." Dave let another false sigh slip as he tried to maneuver a glimpse of the troll's face and prayed John's inhaler would not make the final sound cut. Bit more to the left, more to the left. "Think you could at least _try_ to give the camera some of the ol' Black Magic?"

"If you EVER refer to me as that AGAIN, Strider - !" 

Oh man that reaction was tops. He had turned, but the clown was once again in the shot. Fuck his eyes were terrifying in this dying light. And they looked like they were screaming with pain. 

Everyone wanted to be Johnny Cam'rahog this evening.

"Why'd ya bring th'camera, Dave-bro?"

Why was his voice raspy there?

"I thought I'd get some shots in of the forest. Chicks dig it." A snort from Sollux shut him up. "Right, credit where credit's due. Thanks for the idea, Sollux. Owe this idea to you." The camera's gaze turned right back to Sollux, who was now glaring it down. Sparks were barely noticeable as Dave continued. "Mind if I put your name as a creative by-credit on the upload?"

The red and blue grew more defined in the camera's imaging. And the brows were down now. Welp, he was pissed. Time to take a few steps back and hit the 'apology' or 'jk-only-joking' buttons now. This was not the intended effect. Mission abort.

"O - okay, I think I'm good now!" 

John stepped over, letting another cough escape his throat. Dave finally moved the camera down and shut the screen on the side. If it was one thing he was grateful for, it was John's almost impeccable timing.

"Cool. I thought we'd have to call an ambulance," Dave stated. He raised a brow. "Don't think GPS is tracked out here."

"It'th not." Sollux' voice was gravely. Was he talking through gritted teeth again? "I checked."

Dave sighed. He kept a firm grip on his camera as he looked around. 

"Guess we can chill for a while.

"That's what Sol-bro 'n I've been doin'," Gamzee stated. Dave turned back to him as John set something on the ground. "We've been here since five. No sign o' her yet. Just Kar-bro, then you motherfuckers."

Well. 

"Damn."

The next hour somehow passed by slowly and painfully. There were very few conversations that were held between the boys. When words were exchanged, they were only about the walk there, John's nerd-pack, the lies they told their parents for the night, current movies, Karkat's shitty phone, yadda yadda blabber, bullshit bullshit bullshit. The daylight was soon down to a sliver of what it once was, and twilight was but a thing of the past. Moonlight was already forming from the tips of the trees to the roots near their feet.

Dave kept glancing at his phone, trying to get a pester to work. No signal half the time, no response the other. What was the point of asking for advice when people wouldn't give it when you needed it? Surely, that had to be the ultimate irony. No way to write that down and spread it to others. No fucking way. His eyes moved back to Sollux, who was still in the same position he was in when he got there. How he could stand there and not feel a twinge of pain was beyond his measure of understanding.

Well, it was, and he had a few choice guesses on how he could do that. But for now, he'd shut himself up. It was for the best. 

He looked behind him, seeing Gamzee and Karkat on the ground. Those two had somehow been idly chatting after Gamzee introduced Karkat to some weird app on his phone. Whatever it was, Karkat had asked him to turn down the creepy ass volume. And they were hella into it. Karkat had his phone, and was trying to solve some sort of . . . slide, puzzle? What kind of app was that? He handed it to Gamzee, who smirked and started to fiddle with it.

It was one of those two-person games. Meh.

He looked back at John. He was looking at the sky. Damn. Guess he wasn't the only one who was craving excitement.

"Man, Sollux, how long is your girlfriend gonna take?"

Dave felt his hand bring his camera up. John deserved a reward. Man, if some daylight had lasted a bit longer, he'd have gotten the best rendered reaction from Sollux. But for now, he'd settle with the best possible angle of his pissed off face in the dark. Some smaller lines of electric blue and red psiionics were coming in on the screen.

"For the latht time, the ith NOT my girlfriend."

"But you want her."

The sparks were getting more noticable.

"He's not wrong," Karkat muttered with a snicker.

Oh shit that needed some ice. And he could not make a comment on that. NO way in hell.

"Nice one."

Fuck his mouth. 

Defer the conversation, defer the conversation. Mission abort, mission abort.

"Reminds me. Karkat, why'd you run like a bat outta hell?"

The troll, who was now gripping the side of his head again, froze.

John nodded, then added, "Yeah! We saw you up ahead of us on the path before, and then you just bolted!"

Gamzee's face was already contorting to match Karkat's reddening face. Sollux, still leaning on the fence, bent his head back. A small smirk was forming. 

Right as some rustling and rapid footsteps were coming right towards them. The group turned to it and sprang to their feet. 

"I'm gonna get my flashlight! Hold on!"

Perfect timing, John, once again. 

"Hurry that up, bro."

The light immediately flashed on the incoming person. 

Dave let his thoughts roam a bit. He had some idea of who was coming to greet them. His expectation was something of a girl with long dark hair, the scariest of expressions, and the most ethereal of grins. Something akin to Rose when she was reading up on grimdark creatures. What he was not expecting was someone like this.

The figure came closer and started to catch her breath. The weather was chilled to perfection, like AJ on ice. But she was decked out in the tightest possible cargo shorts known to any being. Okay, the lens was heavy. And the screen. The camera moved back up to her dark brown belt, where a whip was dangling. Who the hell needed one of those nowadays? It slowly panned upwards. Her black shirt was tight as - moving on, moving on, past her knapsack and her goat horns. Her hair was in some sort of messy ponytail. A few strands were in her face. Damn that was annoying. 

She continued to catch her breath as she came forward. Sollux took a few steps to her as well. Dave crept along and got them both in the shot. Perfect.

"Sorry I'm late. I was being pestered."

"By who?"

"That's not important now."

Damn she was dodgy. 

And not getting the genre memo.

"For now, I say we should just get going. We've lost some time. And that's of the essence here."

"A-fucking men, sister," Karkat grumbled.

Her eyes grew to dinner plates as glanced to the troll. His figure was somehow hidden behind Gamzee. Why the hell did he - nevermind, enough of the questions. It was the juggalo's doing. Whatever his deal was, it was just as messed up. The look on Aradia's face was far more confounding. It went from confused to "just-saw-a-ghost" to perturbed in seconds. 

"Why is he here?"

"Ask HIM," Karkat growled. He pointed to the befuddled Sollux, who got the same look from Aradia.

"E - mothional thupport?"

A deep breath came from the goat girl. Dave knew that look and breath all too well. That was the motion and gesture that said "I'm tired of this shit and I am not in the mood for it", or "Dave why did you have to break the windows with your jams". She reached into her pocket and pulled out a phone with the most ornate case, pressed a button, then put it back. Time checker. 

"W - well . . ."

"No way am I going home now."

"Let alone for you to go back to the beginning of the path, either." She was firm in her voice. "And if you stay here . . . " Her head shook as she sighed.

Gamzee cleared his throat, getting everyone's attention. Damn it, he was scary as hell when he did that. Do us all a favor and never do that shit again. 

"He's with me. It's 'aight."

"Are you - ?"

"Yep."

Karkat was already sputtering. Dave smirked. Surely, he didn't mean like that. If he did, then holy hell the reactions would be even better than he anticipated. And if not, then the reactions would still be better than he anticipated. Win fucking win.

"So, who's behind the camera?"

"Strider. Dave Strider." He waved. "I'll be your camera man for the evening."

A small hum came from her. "Aren't camera men supposed to stay quiet?"

"Don't worry. I'm probably not gonna come up on the feedback." Not a lie. "Trust me."

She nodded. Dave turned the lens back to a confused and befuddled Sollux.

"Yo - you're fine with him here?"

"Yes." Damn she was firm. "He can document anything we see. So for the time being, he's an asset."

"Hey, I have feelings and emotions like any living being, you know."

"And I'm a wathp."

"Nice sting."

Some shuffling and rusling came from the other side.

"I'm John Egbert! Nice to meet you!"

John had taken out another one of his goober smiles as he shook the girl's hand. Good thing this was going on camera. No way Vriska could sack and hang him for supposedly being near another girl this soon in their odd quad. He then went from shaking her hand to talking about his proton-vaccum-Ghostbusters-prop-convention-thing. The look on her face said it all. Dave was praying for her to not crack.

"Th - thanks, John, I'm - sure this will be very useful."

Motherfucking miracles. 

_Honk._

"What the fuck?"

"Huh?" Aradia turned to the camera, and to Dave.

"I'm good. Just, had a trippy moment."

"Alright then." She looked back at the group. Seemed like she was also looking more towards Sollux. Nah, nevermind. Just the glare. "We need to get going. We have a long way to walk, and we've lost an hour already."

Good thing the batteries could last for another five.

*~*~*

_Crunch._

_Crunch._

_Sigh._

"So, are we there yet?"

"Not far off."

"How long'll thith take?"

"Not long, should the odds be in our favor."

"Bullshit."

"You're quite the downer, Karkat."

"He'th alwayth like thith."

A giggle followed.

"Really?"

"Kar-bro ain't fond o' this shit."

"Damn Right!"

_Crunch._

_Crunch._

_Sigh._

The lens flickered on the camera. Night vision was something this camera did have, thank fuck. But man was the sound quality super shitty. Dave shook his head as he stared on ahead. So shitty it was like that one horror movie from the 90s with the shitty soundtrack. 

The silence was already suffocating.

"Maybe we can play a game? Pass the time?" Aradia flicked her flashlight from one oak to another. "I'll say a word from any given category, someone says a word from the category that starts with the last letter of the first word, then we chain the words." She took another step with a hum. "Category is . . . movies, and I'll start with 'A Time to Kill'."

John's hand pumped. Of course. "I'll go next! 'Lost World'! Really good movie!"

"Not really," Sollux muttered.

"Hey!"

"Ain't that a dino flick?" Gamzee asked as he stepped over a twig.

"Depends," John said with a shrug. His own flashlight landed on another pile of leaves. And lo the sound gods were going to torture Dave from this point on with shitty leaf sound quality. "I was talking about that really cool one with the - "

" - oh, with that guy? That's an okay one, I guess." Aradia rushed the sentence on. "Next person. Go."

Damn she was bossy.

"I'll go. 'Daredevil'."

"Piethe of thit." 

Bastard.

" 'Love, Actually'."

"Damn it, KK, why do you have to menthion thothe thit rom-coms?!" 

"Because they are AWESOME, Mister 'I-Don't-Watch-Anything-Other-Than-Sci-Fi'!"

"Still counts," Aradia stated. Sollux groaned. Again, she sounded rushed. But, less panicky for some reason. "Gamzee, your turn."

" 'aight. Mind if I change the category?"

Damn it Gamzee, back at it again with the mind tripping bullshit. So long as he didn't change it to horror films - 

"Think ah can pick horror films?"

Well fuck him.

"No."

Thank fuck.

"Well, then what 'bout monster flicks? Y'know, with those creepy motherfuckers in rubbah masks an' cherry syrup blood?"

"No one enjoys movies like that," she said. Her foot snapped a thick twig as she kept walking. "Well, at least I don't."

"Weird."

"Preferences."

"Fair."

"My GOG this is so dull . . . " Dave turned the camera to the nubby horned troll beside Gamzee. The green outline was definitely picking up his body, and his eyes were literally the spoopiest shit right now. Too spoopy, even. "Why the hell are we - "

"Just stick to the task at hand." A firm command. Karkat's soft huff came after along with the group. Her hand brushed something out of the way as they continued their trek. "You'll thank me later."

"How the fuck should I - ?"

"So, Gamzee, the category?"

Dave caught up to the troll as his soft growls came out. He hoped this had gotten on tape. He needed new footage and sound bytes of Karkat being this freaking adorable. Not that it was a bad thing. Or a weird thing. Would only be weird if he made it weird.

"How 'bout animals?"

"That's fine."

" 'aight! 'Yak'!"

Another sigh.

"Um, 'Kangaroo'?"

"'Ostrich' . . . fucking GOG . . ."

"'Hawk'."

A weird sound came from the distance.

And, it . . . echoed?

"Wolf?"

"Heh, Dave broke the chain," John stifled a giggle.

Shit.

"Shut up, John."


	26. Memos from the Desk of Dave

turntechGodhead [TG]  has begun pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]   
TG: yo   
TG: kanaya   
TG: kan kan   
TG: vampire princess formerly known as kanaya   
TG: k that last one mightve been harsher   
TG: maybe i could just call you kan kan or somethin   
TG: yeah that ones better   
GA: Dave Strider  
GA: I Was Not Under The Impression You Had Access To My Pestername   
TG: i saw it once on roses phone got it memorized and then some   
GA: A Rather Unorthodox Method Of Obtainment   
GA: But Still   
GA: To What Do I Owe This Unexpected Pleasure Dave   
TG: cant a bro just talk up and chat to the beau of his sis every now and again   
GA: I Suppose So   
GA: But   
GA: What Do You Mean By   
GA: Beau   
TG: dont be shy kan-kan   
TG: i know youve been going hard after rose for years   
TG: the silence the detailed dresses   
TG: and i saw that aloof notice-me-senpai face you make when shes writing her psych shit  
GA: Well   
TG: kinda obvious   
GA: That Is   
TG: sure rose knows too   
GA: Strider   
GA: If There Is Any Possible Way   
GA: Could We Perhaps Change The Subject   
TG: sure can see the green from here   
GA: Oh Dear Is My Webcamera Activated Again  
TG: expression kan-kan alls good   
GA: Oh Goodness You Leave Me Flustered Sometimes  
TG: ya tryin to say you have something for me kan  
GA: Not Even In The Slightest   
TG: ouch.   
GA: Apologies   
TG: let me back to what i was saying before   
TG: just wanted to ask about something is all   
GA: You May Ask   
TG: just completely hypothetical   
TG: totally makin it up   
GA: Of Course   
TG: yeah   
TG: so   
TG: say two of your friends have been throwin some serious spade shade for weeks now and you dont know why   
TG: every conversation becomes a huge fuckin battlefield and everyones choking on the sick depth of the coal that lies where it may   
TG: one guy says one thing other guy says another   
TG: makes you wish you were blind deaf and dumb and living in a basket or some shit   
GA: It Certainly Sounds Like It   
GA: I Suppose   
TG: so then you get the idea to stop them from fighting so much but you dont know the dif between shade and spade   
TG: like   
TG: 'damn it these lines are already choked up and smoked up to shit! someone has to stop these two! wait was that mustard gas or blood?! shit there goes half my countrymen and half my sanity! someone call in the reinforcements!' and on the sidelines theres a guy going 'orders came in fall back fall back!'   
TG: then someone else out of left field yells out 'oh yeah well fuck you sarge were goin on in again'   
TG: like that but with john getting stuck in the center  
TG: or something like that  
GA: Uh   
GA: Huh   
TG: and reluctantly you go along with all of this because theyre both friends sure   
TG: cause one guy is the cool guy who could be the yin to the yang cause of his sick attitude   
TG: and after the shit the other guys seen of course you wanna try and protect him but theres no way you can say that or do that without doing something shitty or uncool   
TG: its not his thing or the other guys thing  
TG: but not the point   
TG: point is what the guy in the middle has to do to pick up the pieces that fell and prevent them from joining another fullscale black parade   
TG: . . .   
TG: again   
TG: not about me   
GA: Of Course   
GA: From What I Gather   
GA: These Two Friends Have Been   
GA: May I Refer To Them With Some Sort Of Labelling Or Nickname So As To Not Grow Confused   
TG: just go with friend a and b   
GA: Far More Simple Than What I Had In Mind But That Works As Well   
GA: Now Then   
GA: Judging From What You Have Told Me   
GA: Friend A And Friend B Have Had Some Form Of Black Communication In The Past   
GA: I Can Only Speculate That The Cause Of Their Recent Caliginous Outburts Is Due To Some Strained Emotional Confusion On Behalf Of Friend A Or Friend B   
GA: I Would Offer A Plausible Guess As To What Instigated This But For Now Im Afraid I Cannot Think Of Much   
TG: saight   
GA: But If What You Say Is Genuine Then Their Aggressive Interactions Do Hold A Sort Of Possibility Of Becoming Exceedingly   
GA: Violent   
TG: i get that but   
GA: The Solution To Your Hypothetical Romantic Quandry Is For The Third Person To Simply Act As The Auspistice Between Friend A and Friend B   
GA: I Cannot Propose Any Other Sort Of Solution For The Time Being When This One Is By Far The Most Palpable   
TG: yeah i know that much   
TG: i also know youve been doing shit like that since fourth grade   
TG: and a helluva lot better than someone else i know   
GA: Thank You   
GA: Although Yet Again I Am Confused As To Whether Or Not You Are Being Genuine In Your Compliments Or If You Are Being Facetious   
TG: serious as the sun rises   
TG: but the question i have is what the guy has to do to third wheel the black romance bicycle   
GA: I   
GA: Erm   
GA: Well   
GA: Your Imagery Is Certainly   
GA: Provocative   
TG: i try   
GA: I Also Am Aware That You Can Drop The Act Of Mentioning A Third Person When I Am Quite Positive You Are Refering To Yourself As The Third Friend   
TG: no idea what youre talkin bout kankan   
GA: It Is Quite Discernable   
TG: again this is all just hypothetical   
GA: In Fact Given Who You Are Around Constantly I Am Thoroughly Convinced That Friend A And Friend B Are   
TG: sorry bout wrappin this up kan but im a pretty busy guy   
TG: places to be people to see words to rap   
TG: just needed that advice so i can pass it along before i fall asleep at the keyboard here   
GA: Rude   
TG: sorry   
GA: Right Then   
GA: But Do Keep Aware   
GA: The Job Of An Auspitice Is One That Is Filled With Both Regret and Uneven Fulfillment   
GA: Even If I Were To Try And Assist You On Whatever Pernicious And Hate-Filled Path You Wanted To Persue Keeping This Quadrant Filled Takes A Great Deal Of Time And Dedication   
GA: And Plenty Of Tenacity And Determination   
GA: Are You Sure You Wish To Place Yourself In Such A Compromising Position  
TG: sure its for the greater good   
TG: its like bein a ref in a tennis match and you have to make sure no ones tossing rackets or making rackets or shit ball goes one way no chance of that point goin to the other guy and you see the guy in red just screaming his head off gotta shoosh pap him into submission   
TG: then the yellow teams gonna be gloating and you gotta make sure hes not gloatin to much cuz hell just piss off the red guy again   
GA: Technically Speaking   
GA: But Communication Is Essential For Such A Quadrant To Completely Function   
GA: Direct Communication   
TG: got it   
TG: thanks kankan but ive gotta catch up with someone   
GA: I Do Hope This Was Informative   
TG: like speedreading a textbook   
GA: I Will Take That As An Affirmative   
GA: I Almost Forgot   
GA: While Communication Is Key You Must Also Be Attuned To Their Emotional States   
GA: Otherwise You Will   
turntechGodhead [TA]  has ceased pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]   


turntechGodhead [TA]  has begun pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]   
TG: hey kitkat   
TG: kitty kat   
TG: beep beep meow   
TG: here kitty kitty   
TG: wait   
TG: damn it   
CG: WHY IS IT EVERYONE MESSAGES ME AFTER 10PM?! DON'T YOU FUCKERS KNOW HOW IMPORTANT AND WONDERFUL IT IS TO FUCKING *SLEEP* ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?! FIRST TAVROS, THEN YOU - I'LL BE *DAMNED* IF GAMZEE MESSAGES ME TOO!  
TG: sheesh man calm your tits   
TG: just wanted to talk is all   
CG: . . . I SWEAR TO ANY DEITY IF THAT IS THE ONLY REASON YOU CONTACTED ME RIGHT NOW   
TG: nah man i had something important to run by you   
CG: IF IT'S A RAP I AM NOT INTERESTED AND AM TURNING OFF THIS LAPTOP NOTIFICATION SYSTEM *RIGHT* THE FUCK *NOW*.   
TG: nah man its quadrant biz   
CG: WHAT.   
TG: yeah   
CG: YOU.   
CG: STRIDER.   
TG: cest moi   
CG: WANT TO TALK ABOUT QUADRANTS.   
TG: yep   
CG: WITH *ME*.   
TG: think we can cut to the chase then   
CG: . . .   
CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT.   
turntechGodhead [TG]  has been banned by  carcinoGeneticist [CG]   


turntechGodhead  has begun pestering  twinArmageddons [TA]   
TG: hey   
TG: 2d   
TG: bumble bee   
TG: '2unny dee'   
TG: runnin free   
TA: get the fuck off my pc.   
TG: now that is how you get into the spirit   
TG: my fellow mc   
TA: you know ii do have that viiru2 2et two 2end two you, riight?   
TG: youre bluffing   
TA: ii don't do empty threat2.   
TG: ok figured thisd happen   
TG: before you hit the ban button hear me out i have a legit good reason for comin on your pc right now   
TA: thii2 had better bee good.   
TG: its about karkat   
TA: and liike that you've lo2t me.   
TG: dammit man hear me out  
TA: no need. ii know what you're gonna 2ay. fiir2t the biinary, then the rever2e p2ychology . . . ju2t, man . . . ii am two 2hort 2teps away from 2ayiing 2omethiing that wiill ruiin our friiend2hiip for good, ii ju2t know iit.   
TG: you an i both know that is an impossibility given how much the little troll can worm his way into our lives  
TA: gro22.   
TG: i actually have something else in mind   
TA: iif you're about two 2ay ii 2hould apologiize . . .   
TG: nah man this is a way simpler option involving you me and karkat   
TA: why the hell are you iincludiing your2elf iin that? HOW the hell are you iincludiing your2elf iin that?  
TG: its complicated   
TA: 2eem2 a lot of thiing2 are.   
TG: but this is easy   
TA: ok. ii'm lii2teniing. for once.   
TG: just let me be your black ref   
TA: WHAT.   
TA: 2triider . . . are you   
TG: shit   
TA: are you 2ayiing   
TG: fucked it up   
TA: ii cannot EVEN   
TG: shit lemme try that again   
TA: liike HELL am ii gonna even GIIVE you that chance! iif ii've 2aiid it beefore, let me 2ay iit agaiin: ii am NOT waxiing black for KK!   
TG: look if it makes you feel any better when i talked to karkat he just outright banned me before i said anything   
TA: 2urprii2e, 2urprii2e. the 2o-called 'kiing of the quadrant2' won't even talk about hii2 own.   
TG: comments like that are what brought me here today this shits gettin worse and you know it   
TA: and ii'm 2ayiing that ii am FIINE.   
TG: now let me say that you need someone to prevent the next outburst that ruins yours and kks friendship john got caught in the middle of your shade spade dart match today and next time it could be rikky tikky tavvy in the mix   
TG: john can recover tavros i know will end up with scars the size of texas   
TG: and i know you dont want that on your conscience   
TA: ii know that! don't you thiink ii haven't thought about that?!   
TA: jeegu2 . . .   
TA: ju2t . . .   
TA: fuck . . .   
TG: yalright   
TA: ju2t . . . leave me alone.   
TA: and don't mentiion thii2 two ANYONE.   
TA: EVER.   
TA: e2peciially kk.   
TG: no can do   
TA: then go fuck your2elf.   
turntechGodhead [TG]  has been banned by twinArmageddons [TA]   


turntechGodhead  has begun pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]   
TG: yo   
TG: sup kankan   
GA: How Did It Go   
TG: some slight hiccups but i think it went well when i relayed the info to the guy   
TG: but off the record mind if i keep this on speedchat so i can ask for more advice for him when the need should so arise   



	27. Memos from the Desk of Tavros

adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering  apocalypseArisen [AA]   
AA: hey tavr0s  
AA: been awhile since y0u've messaged me.   
AT: yEAH , , ,   
AA: but i guess it's been awhile since i messaged y0u in turn.   
AT: i GUESS , , ,   
AA: but whatever, i'm just glad t0 hear fr0m y0u again.   
AA: 0_>   
AT: uH HUH , , ,   
AA: s0 what's the matter?  
AT: hUH?   
AT: hOW DID YOU   
AA: i s0rt 0f knew y0u'd talk t0 me t0day. i d0n't kn0w ab0ut what, but i knew y0u'd try t0 talk t0 me.  
AA: i als0 had s0mething imp0rtant t0 tell y0u.   
AT: hOW DO YOU DO THAT?   
AA: let's just say i have my ways 0f kn0wing.   
AA: plus, y0u get less and less talkative when s0mething's up. y0u g0 in f0r a few w0rds and then cl0se y0urself up like a clam. it was like that when we were kids, and it l00ks like y0u still d0 that.  
AT: w - wE'RE STILL KIDS , , ,   
AT: aND, nOTHING'S WRONG , , ,   
AT: i'm , , , fINE , , ,   
AA: aww, c0me 0n, tavr0s. y0u can tell y0ur auntie aradia anything, y0u kn0w!   
AT: i - i'M ALMOST A YEAR, oLDER THAN YOU , , ,   
AA: plus, i kn0w a few g00d new st0ries that may perk y0u up! remember that tale i t0ld y0u ab0ut the l0wer-caste s0ciety fr0m the s0uthern islands? the 0nes that had th0se h0rns?   
AT: tHE - tHE ONES WITH THE BIG HORNS? t - tHAT WERE HOOKED?  
AA: the very 0nes!   
AA: their myth0s has s0me great tales ab0ut tr0lls capable 0f flight and bec0ming g0ds, that is, if y0u're interested in listening t0 me dr0ne 0n ab0ut a culture that is ab0ut as dead as a washed-up p0p star's career.   
AT: , , , s - sO LONG AS, y - yOU DON'T MIND ME, uHH, dRONING ON ABOUT, tHE NEWEST, fIDUSSPAWN DECK EXPANSION , , , tH - tHEY, uHH, fIXED THE, DESIGN OF THE, uMM, 'gOATHEAD',  
AA: they finally changed it? what d0es it l00k like n0w?   
AT: lIKE, uMM, lESS GOAT, aND MORE, dEMON, , , sOMEHOW , , ,  
AA: weird.   
AA: . . .   
AT: , , ,   
AT: , , , i MISSED YOU,   
AT: }:')   
AA: i missed y0u, t00.   
AT: pROSPIT WAS, tERRIBLE WITHOUT YOU , , ,  
AA: th0se sn0bs kept picking 0n y0u after i left?   
AT: , , , y-yEAH , , ,   
AT: aLWAYS CALLING ME , , , 'l-lONG-hORN', aND, 'b - bROWNIE bLOOD', a - aND, , ,   
AA: i wish i was there when that happened . . . i w0uld have sh0wn them what f0r!   
AT: a - aRADIA , , ,   
AT: nOT, nOT THAT i'M, uHH, uNGRATEFUL , , , b - bUT , , ,   
AT: a - aS, uHH, i WAS SAYING THEN , , ,   
AA: i kn0w: 'if we harm them like they're harming us, then we bec0me as bad as them. the circle needs t0 be br0ken, s0 we sh0uld be kind t0 them'.   
AA: n0 way i'd f0rget that. y0u said that everytime they c0ated y0u in shredded papers and paints in the art hall, 0r tried t0 pick 0n y0u in class. it always br0ke my heart t0 see y0u ch0king th0se tears back . . . but when y0u'd say that, i'd just want to hug y0u s0 hard, and make sure it never happened again!  
AA: bef0re i left i did manage t0 tell s0me teachers ab0ut all that, but . . . guess the teachers are just as biased as the kids are.   
AT: oHH,   
AT: tHAT'S, , ,   
AT: uHH , , ,   
AA: s0rry, it's just, y0u always l00ked s0 cute when y0u were acting s0 brave.   
AT: nOT, nOT AN ACT , , ,  
AA: i guess it's a little awkward t0 say it n0w, but i never g0t the chance t0 say it then . . .   
AA: i'm just glad t0 have my best friend back.   
AT: wELL , , ,   
AT: iT'S NICE,   
AA: h0pefully we can pick up where we left 0ff, then.   
AT: }:')   
AA: speaking 0f where we left 0ff, wasn't there s0mething y0u wanted t0 talk t0 me ab0ut?   
AT: i, uHH, wAS HOPING YOU'D , , , fORGET , , , aBOUT THAT , , ,   
AA: and i was h0ping y0u'd tell me.   
AT: iT'S JUST, wEIRD , , ,   
AA: what is?   
AT: yOU, uHH, yOU'VE MET MY, nEW FRIENDS,   
AT: yOU REMEMBER THEM, rIGHT?   
AA: s0llux and karkat, right?   
AT: rIGHT,   
AA: karkat was the sh0rter tr0ll, right? he didn't l00k t00 g00d.   
AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN?   
AA: well . . . he had this, l00k 0n his face. and he was pretty pale . . .   
AT: i, gUESS SO,   
AA: kind 0f skittish, t00 . . .   
AA: in fact . . .   
AA: he l00ked like he saw a   
AT: aRADIA,  
AT: pLEASE, dON'T, , ,   
AA: s0rry.   
AA: but, he did l00k pretty freaked 0ut. is he usually like that?   
AT: fROM, uHH, wHAT i KNOW, yES,   
AT: aND, nO?   
AT: hE, uMM, mEANS WELL, hE'S HELPING ME, tO, uHH, uNDERSTAND THAT GAME i, uH, tOLD YOU ABOUT, bUT, hE'S ALWAYS YELLING, aND - aND ANGRY, bUT , , , i - i THINK, hE'S JUST CONFUSED, oR, , ,   
AT: , , ,   
AA: 0r what?   
AT: n - nEVERMIND, , , jUST, jUST THINKING,  
AA: hmm . . .   
AA: in the time that y0u've kn0wn him, has he ever said anything ab0ut . . . say, the paran0rmal?   
AT: nOPE,   
AA: s0 i see.   
AT: i THINK, tHAT'S, uHH, gAMZEE'S , , , w - wHAT'S THE WORD , , , 'sCHTICK'?   
AA: gamzee?   
AT: yOU KNOW HIM?   
AA: i'm m0re surprised that y0u d0, h0nestly. and yes, i kn0w him. he's in my hist0ry class. i talked with him earlier this week ab0ut s0mething.   
AA: but that's n0t really imp0rtant right n0w.   
AA: what is imp0rtant is that we talk ab0ut what they did t0 y0u.   
AT: tHEY, tHEY DIDN'T REALLY, uMM, dO ANYTHING TO ME , , ,   
AT: mAYBE, iT'S SOMETHING, , , i DID , , ,   
AA: what makes y0u say that, tavr0s?   
AT: i, sORT OF, , , mADE, s-sOLLUX, , ,   
AT: mAD , , ,   
AA: s0llux?   
AT: hE WAS, tHE FIRST OF MY FRIENDS YOU MET,   
AA: right. the 0ne with the c00l shades and the attitude.   
AT: y - yEAH , , ,   
AA: what did y0u d0 t0 make him mad at y0u?   
AT: i, , , bROUGHT UP, sOMETHING i , , , SHOULDN'T HAVE , , ,   
AT: hE, hE YELLED AT ME, aND , , , i STILL FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, , ,   
AA: did he ap0l0gize?   
AT: , , , yES,   
AA: s0 then, why w0rry ab0ut this?   
AT: hUH?   
AA: i'm sure he didn't mean t0 yell. the fact he ap0l0gized s0rt 0f speaks f0r itself.  
AT: i, gUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, , ,   
AA: he seems like the kind 0f guy wh0 has a l0t 0f em0ti0nal walls built up. pr0bably had a falling 0ut with a cl0se friend, 0r a family member. i kn0w h0w that feels.   
AA: and if it's been half as l0ng as i think it's been, y0u may, t00.   
AT: nO, i DON'T,   
AA: n0t even with   
AT: pLEASE DON'T SAY HER NAME,   
AA: 0kay then. steering clear 0f that minefield.   
AA: f0r n0w.   
AT: gOOD, , ,   
AA: back 0n t0pic, then.   
AT: aND, iT'S NOT THAT, r - rEALLY , , ,   
AT: iT'S, jUST , , , sINCE THEN, tHEY'VE BEEN ACTING, uMM , , , wEIRD, aROUND ME,   
AA: have they?   
AT: iT, sORT OF FEELS, lIKE, tHEY'RE KEEPING, sOMETHING FROM ME , , ,   
AT: i - i DON'T KNOW WHAT, bUT , , ,   
AA: 0h n0.   
AT: sEE, tHAT'S WHAT i   
AA: crap i just saw the cl0ck!   
AT: wAIT, wHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?  
AA: i'm s0rry, tavr0s, but this has t0 be put 0n h0ld.   
AT: aRADIA   
AA: trust me tavr0s, this is n0t what y0u think and i'll explain everything after i get back.  
AA: f0r n0w i have t0 take care 0f an urgent matter.  
AA: we'll talk later, i pr0mise!   
AT: bUT YOU   
AA: just d0n't talk t0 her!   
AT: wAIT, wHAT DO YOU MEAN?!   
AT: aND YOU   
apocalypseArisen [AA]  has logged off   
AT: fORGOT , , ,   
AT: wHAT YOU WERE , , ,   
AT: gONNA TELL, ME , , ,   
AT: }:(   



	28. yOu DoN't KnOw WhAt LuRkS oUt ThErE, kAr. . .

Strider broke the chain. So much for that level of safety. Had to keep the game going. Gotta. Just gotta. Don't look back.

" 'aight, so, who's turn?"

Dave's sigh. No chance he'd wanna keep playing. No way. Games are lame. Cool kid. 

"Why the fuck do we even have to - "

"It's boring just walking like this." Goat girl's reply. Sharp. Biting. More like a snake than a goat. Huh. Lion head in there somewhere? "I wasn't going to admit it at first, but, what with it being so . . . quiet out here, and all . . . "

A few feet passed. Crack. Crack. Shack. Shift the leaves. Sticks. Snap. Crackle. 

"You could've jutht thaid thomething then." Huh, nice reply. Steps getting closer. Quicker. Stickier. "None of uth would have thaid tho little, or, tho much . . . or, tried to, thart a converthation, or . . . thomething." 

Red and blue at peace. Hopy shit. Tryin' to hold back. Heh. Hold back the honey.

. . . wait. 

No.

NO. 

UGH. 

"Gog why . . ."

"Gamzee?"

Red eyes - are they? Eyes staring through him. Nope. Heh, right. Karkat.

Hard to see out here. Red shaded into the dark well. Concern. Compassion. Red is for.

"I'm good."

"You sure?"

Squint. 

"I'm good, Kar-bro! Trust me!"

Mumble. Little rage. Something about a fucking idiot. What's a 'fucking idiot'? Whatever. Keep walking. 

John up ahead. Tap tap goes the light. Comes on. Good thing he brought a flashli - oh. Oh damn it, man. Green light. Green all around. Green up and down. 

"So, where are we headed, anyways?" John and his questions. Meh, one of those. Always had to be. "I think we've been walking for over two hours now."

"We're on the search for a place in these woods that has been lost to time." Lost to time. Dead in the woods. Never to be heard from. . . . Damn that sounded dope. Honk! Twigs snapping. Hand clapping. "I talked to someone about this before."

"Who? Some gho - ?"

"No."

Silence.

No aura. 

Wait, what?

"A friend."

More twigs snap. Owl in the night. Something else. John yelps. Wants his dad. Heh, not for the faint of heart. 

"Does it have to take thith long, then?" Red and blue and annoyed all over. "Why not thplit up?" 

Side laugh from Dave. What. Just.

Come the fuck on!

Motherfucker has not been watching those movie links. Does the motherfucker not know the intricacies of paranormal investigation? Does he not understand the ramifications of some sort of motherfucking endeavor such as this?!

"If we split up now, we'll be more susceptible to any force out here. It's better if we stuck together." 

Girl had a good head on her shoulders. Smooth, swift thoughts. Solid, too. Solid lion.

Hey now. 

"Besides, if it has been as long as you say it has, then we've made pretty good time," she said back. Little laugh. Kind of creepy. "Not much farther to go."

"Define 'farther', because I'd like to know." Yep, there it was. Slay away motherfucker! "My feet are already killing me, and if my brother somehow catches wind of what the fuck we're up to, I can guarantee that I'll be PRAYING for some sort of paranormal interaction." Arms crossed. Don't need the dark to see that.

"I can imagine," Aradia sputtered. Another laugh. Girl loved some laughs. "And at least another two hours." Rustling in ther bag. Something white. Paper. Map? "We just need to keep heading this way." Too dark to see. Which way are you pointing? 

"Which way are you pointing?"

Thank you, Dave.

". . . north by north east. Let's . . . just keep walking."

"Honk."

Keep walking.

Keeping up the name game. John goes next. Aardvark. Weird little animal. It knows. It's nose. Sollux. Kangaroo rat. Two words? That count? Count past two, then. Keep walking. Dave. Pterodactyl. P silent. Bad joke. Sollux loses some red rage.

Blue calm to the chimera again. Man. Talk about coin flips. She goes. Karkat grumbles. Game rules gotta be followed. Goat agrees. Bee nods. Shades bob. 

Hoot hoot in the night. Who's who. Who can that be in the distance. Ain't no teenage wasteland. Just them. John ahead of Dave. Still clanking. Clinking. Chinking. Word linking. Dave's head on fire. Word up, motherfucker. Good time to jam with this silence! John'll be a hand in that!

Buzz buzz. Heads down. No waves up here. No chance they'll be bothered. Or he'd bother them. Motherfuckin' rude. Rude dudes.

No chances.

Eyes darted to the right and up. Up farther ahead, two people were talking. Meh. Let the bee and the goat be. Let it bee. Let the sparks fly. Make the chimera's eyes no longer dry. Oh man that was rad. Better catch up to them in a second. 

Tap on the shoulder. Bit of red. Little claws. Chewed. Kar-bro?

" 'sup, man?"

Whisper on the wind. Sharp reply.

"I've been holding my tongue this entire fucking time out of respect, but now I have to know." Deeper tone. Meant biz. Ah gee whiz. "How the actual fucking hell do you know this Aradia chick?"

Shrug. "History."

"Wait, seriously?"

Few more steps. Beeps up ahead. Something about a battery.

"Yep. Talked 'bout some place in the Lower Sealands, swapped sammies, the usual motherfuckin' business." 

Too dark, but that may have been an eyebrow raise. Facing him now. Not much aura. Gog it was dark!

"How the hell did she convince you to go on this?"

"She asked me 'bout the Carpacian Woods, told her 'bout the urban legends, and decided, meh, got nothin' bettah on my Saturday night this week. 'Why not?', I said." Hand brush to the side. "And here we are, my brother!"

Groan. Honk. Little laugh ahead. Something red, blue and - rusty maroon? OH ho ho, so THAT was what was up! Niice job, motherfucker, get her iin your corner!! 

"Yeah, I can see that, sort of." 

Not really. Blind as fuck out here. Like a bat. Wait. Echo. Sound. Howl? Ears turn but turn back. Silence grows. Receeds. What the fuck was that? 

"This place is giving me the creeps."

"Kinda has to, Kar-bro." Sort of the place's vibe. "Collective auras can do that, man."

"And what the hell is an aura?"

Stop.

STOP.

Finally.

FI - NA - LLY!

Oh man this grin on his face was already starting to hurt!

This was gonna be fuckin' gold. Now, mental notes in a stack. Jams to the left. Sick ass jams to the right. Better keep an eye on footing. 

"Gamzee, for the sake of my heart, please start talking, because it's just bright out enough to where I can see your fucking teeth . . . " Whoops. "Why the hell are you smiling like that?"

"Sorry."

Mind clear. Start.

Start.

"Aight, so . . . An aura is kinda like your body's way o' sayin' what's up." Left foot, right foot. Hands out in front, sweeping the air. "It's the motherfuckin' manifestation o' your personality and sense of self in waves of physical bein'. Like, a second skin o' somethin'." Arm glided down his to demonstrate. See his aura. Fine, lush violet with hints of blue. Green in there, if you looked close enough. Ignore that.

"It floats around yah, interactin' with other people's auras and the auras o' nature." Hands go back in the pockets. "Every livin' thing's got aura: trees, the breeze, the motherfuckin' bees have aura! You can't grip it like somethin' physical, but you can just _feel_ it there, y'know, Kar-bro?"

" . . . no, I don't."

Damn it.

"Damn it."

Dang it was dark!

Speakin' of auras, he could barely even see them out here! Usually, they were bright enough to see, but it was like damp matches in caves out here! Dark as the darkest umbra on the crown jewels of the Mirthful Messiah's brows! Couldn't even see his bro's face! Why nature gotta be that way, huh?! Wasn't the moon out like a motherfuckin' second ago?!

Any motherfucker got a motherfuckin' light?!

"Daaaamn it's dark!"

"No, you think?!"

"Seriously, how's a motherfucker s'posed tah see out here?!"

"Ever thought of using the flashlight on your phone?!"

". . . Huh. I'd admit, that nevah crossed my mind 'til nah."

Pocket. Hand. Phone. Button. Light on. Oh thank any Gog! Oh, is that what color the leaves are out here?

"Much better . . . " Calm. Red. Red is for. 

"Amen, motherfucker." Back to biz. Time to look up ahead. 

Lightning. No clapping anymore. Cloudy. Little bolts. Batteries. No bars. Brown. Wait - no, black.  

What ever they were doing, they were doing. Focus on the lesson.

"Now, as I was sayin', dude . . . aura is special. Like, your voice. You gotta have one. Everyone's got one."

"Doubt that."

"Sardonics aside, Kar-bro, this means a lot," he muttered. Had to listen well for this biz. "Aura means a lot o' motherfucking things. It can be a friend, and - oh, hey!" He let his arm with his phone wander towards the left, catching some stray branches and already turning leaves. "The leaves here? Their auras change with 'em, just like our auras change with us! Ain't that jus' motherfuckin' ri-che-ous!"

"Uh-huh, and what d - ."

Little distant. Weird. 

"Y'alright, motherfucker?"

" - good. Let's keep walking."

Step, step, two by two. Little animals, all of them. Little specks in a forest. No winds anymore. No response from the chimera. Or the bee. Trouble not near. Good. Pause button unpressed on their convo. 

"My chuckle voo-doos can pick up stuff like aura, y'know," he said. 

"Your chuckle _what_ now?"

"Y'know! The sense I got!"

Ponder. Ponder. Bother. Brother. Groan. Past thoughts and memories. Thanks for those memories. 

"UGH . . . You mean that shitty thing you say you have? The stuff that isn't real?"

"It's plenty real, motherfucker." 

Never mess with the chuckle voo-doos. Ear swish. Something out there now. Flashlight going about, footsteps quickening.

"My bro, Kurloz, taught me not t' mess with nobody 'bout the chuckle voo-doos the hard way." Damn him. Damn him to his bones. Slow down. Take a breath. Take it in. Take a step. "Stuff like that, it's real. 'bout as real as you or I, Kar-bro. Or Dave, or John, or Sol-Bro, or, hell, any o' us . . . "

Sounds died. "And, plenty dangerous . . . you don't know what lurks out there, Kar. I mean, ghosts are one thing, but . . . that, that shit? Deadly stuff . . . stuff that'll leave you on the seat of your lifespan, starin' down into the bowels of Tartarus . . . "

Color faded.

"Last thing I want to see is you there, Kar-bro . . . or anyone."

Stop. 

STOP.

No. 

Almost got sucked in again. Not the time, not the place. Do that later, without all of the mushy gushy motherfucking hoopla. 

He had to listen to Karkat. 

Then again, there was almost no chance he'd get this. Not this time.

Yep. All silent. Silent treatment. 

No go. Ah well.

He'll get it one day.

Or, something.

Step, step. Step by step. Gonna get to the place before things get wet. John and Dave up ahead. Chimera and the bee next to them. Paper in hand. Another one. Lines on it. Line by line, dot by dot. They looked like they were conferring their location. Where's the checkpoint? Heh. Guess they need a box.

Or an eyepatch.

"Right, Kar-bro?"

. . . 

. . . Wait.

Wait.

No.

NO.

"Karbro?"

Turn around. 

Nothing.

"Karbro?!"

Nothing!?

"Karkat!"

The rustling ahead stopped. Turned back to him. 

Panic. Yellow. Blue. Red. Maroon. Purple. Panic. Oh man.

Oh man.

Karkat!

"KARKAT!"


	29. Memos from the Desk of Vriska

ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
EB: heeeeeeeey vriiiiiiiiska!   
EB: who's got two thumbs and a BRAND spanking new copy of the best movie eeeeeeeeveeeeeeeer?!   
AG: Trying to test me again, huh? This should 8e toooooooo easy, then.   
AG: Is it . . . Terezi?   
EB: nope!   
AG: Hmm . . . how a8out . . . that Zahhak kid in gym class?   
EB: gross! no!! he'd get it covered in sweat before you'd get to see it!   
AG: Joooooooohn . . . come on, give me a hint!   
EB: hmm, okay.   
AG: Is it really that easy to 8r8k you? And here I'd thought you'd improved, John! For shame!  
EB: BUT . . . you have to do something for me.   
AG: Oh? And that would 8e?   
EB: could you say . . . "pretty please tell me who, john?"   
AG: LIKE HELL.   
EB: come on!!   
AG: I enjoy having my dignity in tact, THANK YOU. There is NOOOOOOOO way I am saying that in this message.  
AG: Or in ANY message, for that matter.   
EB: . . . could you say it anyways?   
AG: No.   
EB: maybe just the "pretty please" part?   
AG: What do you think my answer will 8e?   
EB: at least say please?   
AG: Persistant, aren't we? ;;;;)   
EB: you know i am nothing but. ;)   
AG: Siiiiiiiigh . . . alright then, what movie did you get then?   
EB: ah man, how'd you know it was me?!   
EB: (hehehehehe)   
AG: You are such a dork.   
EB: let's just say . . . i'm not gonna need my digital downloaded copy of con air anymore.   
AG: So you finally got a new copy of Con 8r?!   
AG: How? When?! You haaaaaaaave to tell me everything!   
EB: oh it was NOT easy, i'll tell you that for free.   
EB: dad was adament i stop watching these movies since they have too much of the cage, and because my report card from last semester had a few, ehh, 'unsatisfactory' letters, but i had to put my foot down, you know? i said 'dad, i am almost fourteen! i can order from the adult menu, i can stand being home alone, i am old enough to have a legitimate copy of conair!'   
AG: I t8ke it that went a8out as well as the last time you told him?   
EB: actually . . . i had an ace up my sleeve.   
AG: Doooooooo tell~!   
EB: when dad kept going on about how i had been acting like a total kid before, i brought up how i'd get my grades up by midterms!   
AG: Mh-hm . . .   
EB: we got into talking about them, and then he said since my grades are, in his words, 'a vast improvement of the alphabetical mess from the year before', if i found a way to up them again, then this time i could go ahead and have a copy of con air!   
EB: he even paid up front in the form of the movie . . . soooooooo, you and i can enjoy the glory until i have to fill in my side of the bargain.   
AG: Oh.   
AG: My.   
AG: GOG.   
AG: John, words cannot 8egin to express how proud I am of you right now!   
AG: Such cunning, and an even sweeter payoff! 8est off, with my help, you can easily keep this 8argain! You just amaaaaaaaaze me sometimes, John Eg8ert!  
EB: heeeeeeeey, i learned from the best! and, i hope to learn 'more'.  
AG: ♥   
EB: ;)   
EB: oh hey i got a message!   
AG: Oh ignore it. It's pro8a8ly just 8um8le-8ee 8utt complaining about Karkat again. Nothing new to add to thaaaaaaaat mess of a quadrant.   
EB: nah, maybe it's   
EB: dang it how do you do that?!   
AG: Magic.   
EB: suuuuuuuure . . .   
EB: looks like he wants me to open a memo for the guys.   
AG: Why doesn't he just do that himself?   
EB: dunno.   
AG: Tell him you're 8usy. He'll listen if you emphasize it.   
EB: i would but this looks important.   
AG: How can you tell? Think you can . . . ela8orate for me, John?   
EB: well, i   
EB: ooooooooh no, i am NOT letting you hear about their team again!   
AG: Why, John!   
AG: I am uuuuuuuutterly shocked! Have you no f8th in me whatsoever?  
EB: i have faith in you, but this is could also be important to their tactics in the game world. i refuse to tell you anything about their plans, or their armies, or spells, or anything this time!   
AG: Why would you even suggeeeeeeeest that I would ask for such secretive information?! Even if I waaaaaaaanted to know what they were doing, what good would it do to ask you?   
EB: no good at all, that's what.  
AG: Exactly! And even then, I dou8t I would 8e a8le to get aaaaaaaanything out of a diligent, great guy like you . . .   
EB: ehehehehehe . . . y-you really think i'll fall for t-that flattery?? i am a statue! a-a rock! a-a rock i say!  
AG: You're just suuuuuuuuch a good friend to them, John . . . Keeping secrets, helping them with 8attle plans - It's almost cute, really~   
EB: o-oh really?   
AG: And you're soooooooo smart sometimes in your 8attleplans . . .   
EB: y-you . . . really mean that? you think . . . i'm all that?  
AG: Mh-hm . . . remem8er that gr8t move you all pulled off last winter in the Ogre Ore Mines?   
EB: yeah, that-that was a gnarly kill on my behalf . . . although i think karkat's still pissed.  
AG: Oh, I'm sure he stiiiiiiiill is . . . AND remem8er the 8attle of the 8loodgorge in the 8eginning of June?   
EB: oh man sollux never saw that spear coming!   
AG: It makes me proud to have taught you the art of str8tegy . . .  
EB: i - i guess . . . like i said, i learned from the best~   
AG: Aaaaaaaand I hope to see more of that from you. ;;;;)   
AG: Like, maybe, next Saturday? A 8owl of fresh popcorn?   
AG: And, maaaaaaaaybe . . .   
AG: Your edition of Con 8r? ;;;;)   
EB: m-maybe . . . but . . . my dad   
AG: At . . . MY place?   
EB: O8   
AG: ;;;;)   
EB: i . . . i . . .   
EB: ineedamomentvriskai'lltalktoyoulaterbyebye!   
EB: ♥  
ectoBiologist [EB]  has ceased pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
AG: Still too easy.   


caligulasAquarium [CA]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
CA: hey vvrisk   
AG: I thought I 8locked you.   
CA: not wwell enough apparently   
AG: No, 8ut I can do 8etter.   
AG: I say you should do the s8me.   
arachnidsGrip [AG]  has banned  caligulasAquarium [CA]   


ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
EB: oh man that was intense . . .   
EB: vriska, i may need to get off early . . . oh geez . . .   
AG: Let me guess . . . Another hissy fit from Karkat?   
EB: well . . . yes, and no?   
EB: i mean, sollux was involved.  
EB: and they were yelling at each other through binary, and then dave tried to step in.   
EB: and i was in the middle, and . . .   
EB: oh man i have NO words . . . :B   
AG: 8inary? Honestly? How fucking immature can they get?!  
EB: you know i don't lie.   
AG: Do I . . .   
EB: serious shit went down, vriska. SERIOUS SHIT. bluh . . .   
EB: not sure how to start this off . . . i guess the first thing to say is that i'm glad you said next saturday and not this saturday.   
AG: Dave invite you to torture more innocent people and windows with his 'sick 8eats'?   
EB: no.   
AG: No?   
EB: are you okay?   
AG: I'm fine.   
EB: hmmmm . . .   
EB: well . . . i said no before because we're sort of going ghost hunting. well, sollux is, with some girl, and asked karkat to come with him, and i think gamzee's going with them, too.   
AG: . . . Ghost hunting?   
EB: is there an echo in here? but yeah, we'll be headed out to the carpacian woods this saturday to hunt ghosts.  
AG: I'm still trying to wrap my h8d around this . . . so, why does Soooooooollux, of aaaaaaaall people, need to go ghost-hunting? I thought he didn't even 8elieve in them.   
EB: that's what i thought, but from what i got . . .   
EB: he's doing it for this girl.   
AG: Okay, you can stop there. I've heard this one 8efore . . .   
EB: wait, really?   
AG: OH yes, I have. Multiple times, actually.   
EB: quadrant thing?   
AG: Every time . . . the first party aaaaaaaalways ends up doing some stupid shit that goes ag8nst their own 8eliefs, then they start to dou8t who they are and what their real interests are, and theeeeeeeen they go down the whole 'who-do-I-reeeeeeeeally-flush-for?' path.   
EB: sounds like something from   
AG: The neeeeeeeext thing you'll know, they'll 8e waking you up in the middle of the night and asking you stuff like 'is it baaaaaaaad if she's a fushia 8looded hot-head?', or 'whyyyyyyyy doesn't she liiiiiiiike me with short h8r?!' . . . I say leave him 8e. He'll figure all that shit out on his own.   
EB: hehehehehe . . .   
AG: What?   
EB: you totally sounded like karkat just now!   
AG: . . . John.   
EB: and fushia blood? what's up with that?   
AG: John.   
EB: and, who tries to cut their hair for tha   
AG: JOHN.   
EB: yeah?   
AG: You know I care a8out you.   
EB: . . . yeah?   
AG: Then you should know if you really care a8out me . . .   
EB: . . . yeah . . . ??   
AG: OR yourself, for th8t m8tter . . .   
EB: vriska?   
AG: You will NEVER s8y that.   
AG: EVER AG8N.   
EB: . . .   
AG: You'll also never talk to ANYONE a8out ANY of this.   
AG: Please. Just, don't.  
EB: . . .   
EB: i'm sorry.   
AG: . . .   
EB: i thought i was being funny, or just making a witty observation.   
EB: i didn't mean anything by it. really, vriska.  
EB: you'll know when i'm serious.   
EB: . . . are you okay?   
AG: . . . Yeah.   
AG: . . . it's okay.  
AG: It's, okay . . . r8lly, it's okay.   
EB: you sure?   
AG: It's fine.   
AG: Let's just get back to what happened.   
EB: . . . ehh, right.   
EB: i actually have a better idea.   
EB: i'll give you a buzz. better than typing this out, don't you think?   
AG: . . .   
EB: it'll give you a chance to talk, too.   
AG: Oh please, I don't have anything to talk about.   
EB: i'm not dumb, vriska.  
EB: and before you rag on me like how dave and sollux do, let me say this much . . .   
EB: i'm your matesprite now, right?   
EB: so, that means i have at least some sort of right to ask you when you're feeling okay. and i can tell something's up.   
AG: . . .   
AG: Weeeeeeeell . . .   
EB: weeeeeeeell?   
AG: . . . you dork.   
AG: If you insist on wanting to hear my voice thaaaaaaaat much . . .   
AG: I'll humor you. ;;;;)   
arachnidsGrip [AG]  has logged off.  
EB: cool.   
EB: ♥   


ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
EB: hey vriska! just checkin' in from the carpacian woods! signal here's a bit wonky, so i'll let you know how this goes.   
EB: and hey, don't let your sister get to you! you're plenty great the way you a   
\- - - Message Not Delivered. - - -   
\- - - Connection has been lost. - - -   


ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
EB: sorry, connection broke off!   
EB: hope you got my last message!   
EB: otherwise, no ghosts here, but i can feel there's something he   
\- - - Message Not Delivered. - - -   
\- - - Connection has been lost. - - -   


ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
\- - - Connection has been established. - - -   
EB: or something like that, but that's what aradia said. honestly, this place is giving me the creeps!   
EB: scale of one to ten, this place is a surefire ten! maybe more!   
EB: dave sa   
\- - - Message Not Delivered. - - -   
\- - - Connection has been lost. - - -   


\- - - Message Not Delivered. - - -   
\- - - Connection has been lost. - - -   


ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering  arachnidsGrip [AG]   
EB: you won't BELIEEEEEEEEVE what just happened!   
EB: karkat just f  
\- - - Message Not Delivered. - - -   
\- - - Connection has been lost. - - -   


\- - - Message Not Delivered. - - -   
\- - - Connection has been lost. - - -   


arachnidsGrip [AG]  has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB]   
AG: 8nswer, damn it . . .   
AG: John, come on! Answer!   
AG: . . . come on . . .   
AG: . . . pretty please?   



	30. ARE YOU AN INTERDIMENSIONAL DEMON?!

He stopped.

Karkat blinked. 

He had only turned his eyes away for a split second.

Now, he was . . .

In this dark.

Thick.

Neck.

Of.

No.

No, no he wasn't lost. Just, slacked behind the others.

Yeah! That's it! And he could still hear Gamzee, too! He was just farther off! Yeah, that was it! 

The fuckers had walked on ahead and left him behind - as per usual. Sollux must have gained up speed talking to the creepy goat girl, and Egbert and Strider probably got too involved in their pseudo-pale rapping session to even hear him anymore. And Gamzee was droning on about something about aura.

Whatever the fuck it was, it was boring. 

Wait, no, it _was_  important. He did say something important at that last second. Something about what lurked in the darkness.

Something about how he didn't want the troll to see it.

Fuck.

Fuck!

FUCK that!

He opened his mouth, ready to yell, but all that came from it was a puff of dry air. He swallowed a bit of forced saliva before taking a few glimpses around. 

"H - hey!"

It barely echoed. He cleared his throat. The wind must have drowned him out. The troll gripped his sleeve as he shuffled his left foot forward.

"Hey! Guys!"

Bit better. No response but from the branches and his feet. Karkat tried to focus in the dark. His hand went to his pocket. Where was it?

"Strider?!"

Nothing. 

"Egbert?!"

Nothing.

He pulled out his flip phone and pressed a button. Little light. No bars or signal. He swore under his breath as he let the light shine. Not much, but it was something.

Not much, but it was something.

"Aradia?!"

Nothing.

Alright, this was getting annoying. He knew they had to be around. They had to be. They had to be!

"Sollux, you dick!!"

He took a few steps. 

"Was this your idea?!"

He flashed his phone to the left. Holy shi - !

Oh, no, nevermind. Bark. It was a tree. With the weirdest fucking trunk imaginable. He shook his head. Oh it was on.

"Alright! Joke's over! You assholes win!"

Back to the right, a few more steps forward. Don't listen to the leaves and twigs crunching. Don't image they're bones. Don't imagine something's behind you -

Karkat spun around, taking a few slicked steps back. Damn it, why the hell was he doing this to himself? He gulped as he felt ice form in his veins. His teeth contorted his lip as he moved the light back in front of him. 

Just, just keep walking. Try to calm down. Try to calm down.

"You guys win! I'm practically fucking terrified now! See?!" He had to say it. They had to be in on this! No way they'd up and - "Ha ha ha! I - I'm even LAUGHING! I GET IT!"

The echo came quickly. No other noises followed. Karkat scanned the area again. 

Nothing. 

Just.

Dark.

He gulped.

They . . . 

"Guys?"

He felt his heart squeeze tighter and tighter. His claws pressed into his cardigan. Deeper. Deeper still.

No.

"G - Gamzee?"

They were . . . 

No.

He shook his head rapidly. No, they wouldn't just do this to him. This was just a bad dream. 

It had to be. 

No. He gripped his phone tighter. This was real. It was no dream. If it were, he'd be wide awake and talking to Gamzee or Strider about this. He'd be awake, and in class talking about this, or something. For now, he was stuck . . . here . . . 

Move.

He gripped his cell phone tighter. Everything became rapid.

Move.

Thoughts? 

Move . . . 

What were those?

MOVE.

The next thing he knew, everything was a blur. The darkness that swirled about him, the noises that were growing louder, the light that was coming from the phone - everything was melting together in the worst possible acid trip imaginable. Whether or not the noises he was hearing were his own steps or his beating heart were debatable. For all Karkat knew, they were the voices of the dead, the bobbing of a head, the screaming of shattered souls that had somehow clung to these fucking paths.

Where he was running was also a pure mystery. The light on his phone was about as useful as a damp match in a fucking cave. Whether or not he had it out right now was pointless. But putting it back in his pocket now was a waste of time and energy. Energy that he could use to run like a fucking bat out of hell.

Left, right, left, right - he turned every which way he could, panting and letting his legs carry him as far as possible. The noises seemed to only grow louder. His ears shuddered in pain. There was no way he could keep this up. No way at all! Sure he could keep running, but what would be the point!? Staying alive!? Leaving his friends alone in some haunted woods for some unusual fucking ghost-beast or whatever to devour? 

Then again, what was stopping said ghost-beast from devouring him?

And then he felt his legs go faster. 

And he felt his ankle go numb.

It was only a matter of time before the troll slowed to a near saunter, panting like a mad dog. His claws clung to his shirt and phone. No way he was letting go now. He leaned against a tree, letting the cool night air blow past. Karkat let his eyes open and adjust to the darkness. It had to be done. He was safe for now. He just had to get his bearings. Some moonlight had already started to come through the canopy of leaves. Things were a little easier to see. Thank gog. 

Then he saw it.

At first, it was just a light, hovering by some trees. Just, meandering there, minding its own business. It looked like a figure, like someone was doing something, but it was hard as hell to make out what exactly they were doing. Karkat squinted. The dark made it harder to tell what it was. He moved his head a bit to see more of the light. 

His eyes widened.

It had no legs. 

What it did have was a sort of whispy-tail thing. And arms. And some sort of whispy hair things. That was a fucking given. It was a glowing greenish color, and was far brighter than the light on his phone. It didn't look human, or troll. Whatever it was, it looked terrifying as fuck. Then again, everything in this blanket of darkness looked terrifying as fuck. 

Then again, everything in this blanket of darkness looked terrifying as fuck. This just had the bonus of being in this scary ass area.

He felt his ears prick. It was talking. Saying something.

And drawing closer.

He gripped his cardigan tighter.

"Okay, should be around he - "

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Shit.

The green thing had stopped.

Shit.

Why the fuck had he yelled?! Why did he have to do that?! He'd sat through a horror film with Gamzee before! You never draw attention to a monster or anything like that! Why? Because it always had the intent and advantage to attack! Karkat's thoughts followed and raced with his heart, adding silent prayers that the green thing hadn't cared about him.

Circles.

The next thing he saw was dark circles in the thing's head-shaped . . . head. 

Were . . . were those its eyes?

Were those its eyes?!

"Huh."

The next coherent thought Karkat had was clear as day.

_'GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU ASSHOLE TROLL!'_

Nothing happened. All he did was open his mouth and try to say something.

"A - A - A - "

Words failing.

Dark circles.

Hopy shit.

" 'Ah'? "

His mouth opened again, but only a squeak came out. The green thing just kept floating, and thank fuck still in the same position. If it had come closer, he'd have bolted off again. He quickly swallowed his own tongue as the thing floated over. His squeak came back to haunt him. The being's head tilted. 

And a hand was stretched out to him.

"FUCK!"

"Scared?"

"YES!"

"Why?"

"FUCK OFF!"

Oh fuck this to hell and back! 

"Are you an interdimensional demon?!"

He gripped his phone tighter as the light began to dim. Of fucking course. A transparent hand went to the being's head, and made an odd motion, like it was scratching its chin. It shrugged.

"I guess you can call me that for now. I'm not really physically here or there, so - "

"Wh - what are you - ?!"

This was getting too fucking weird. 

"Wow, jumpin' right into tha' explanation?" The arms crossed as the being floated closer. Fuck that. Fuck that! He backed up further against the tree. "I'll admit, that's one thing I'd love to talk about, but f'now I'd like to focus on how you're here right now, and why y'can see me." The voice that continued was sharp and higher, like a girl's voice, but it carried some lower tones. Why wasn't it quivering, or - or something?! "People in y'r state should be completely unaware of someone like me, so this's weird 's hell."

"What the actual FUCK are you talking about?!"

The hand flipped in the air while the being moved to a reclining position. Annoyed, clearly. 

"I'm talkin' about why you're here, Nubby-Nubby."

This was definitely getting weird.

And Nubby-Nubby?!

"A - are you a gh - ghost?!"

A short _'hmm'_ came from the ghost. Slime. Demon. Being. Whatever the hell it was!

"Yeah . . . "

That was stretched far fucking longer than possible. I think for now

"I think for now y'should refer to me as an interdimensional demon. May spare your sanity." The voice died down as the hand reached back to him. And he promptly tried to scurry away. "You're still not supposed to be here, b'the way."

"Wh - whe - ?!"

"Hmm . . . "

All he could stare at were the circles. Those deep, deep circles. He was locked from fear. 

And the hand was getting closer.

"Yep, you're terrified. Figured this would'a happened. Tell ya what, I'll help y'out."

The hand drew closer as Karkat felt his hand reach up and try to swat it away. Or move, or something! 

He phased through it.

"Nice try, but y'can't touch me."

The pointer finger gently pointed at his forehead while the thumb cocked back. The familiar giggle came from the ghost-demon-being. A sound effect came from it as Karkat felt a bit of warmth from it. 

"This won't hurt a bit!"

"Wai - !"

" _BANG_!"

The last thing he could remember was the dark circles.


	31. FUCKING A+ NATURE HERE.

And the first thing he saw was the forest floor.

Dead and fallen leaves were plastered on his face with the lingering taste of dirt on his tongue.

He quickly spat it out. Disgusting. Karkat groaned as he pushed himself up. Stiff as ever. He had to make a note for himself about how sleeping, or falling on the ground like that, would lead to some serious pains later. 

The troll squinted as he looked around. The moonlight was shining down between clouds, illuminating the forest floor rather well. Leaves and sticks lay scattered on midnight green grass, surrounded by the shroud of night. There was no touch of that eerie darkness from before. No creeping balls of light, no green glowing ghouls, no - 

He had to shake his head. Yep, he could still remember every still fucking thing about that - that thing! Fuck those thoughts out the door! Karkat rubbed the back of his head, dusting off a few leaves.

"What . . . "

That was all he could muster out. Not right now. There was no fucking way he'd make himself a target out here. Not after that. edged himself up using the closest tree. The bark was cold and collectively rough against his back. And not in a good way. He flipped his phone from his pocket. The light emitting from it was far weaker from before. A few choice words echoed in his head as he pressed a few buttons. Hunk of junk. Maybe Sollux was onto something when he said his phone was a fossil. He narrowed his eyes as he looked further on the screen.

Karkat edged himself up using the closest tree. The bark was cold and collectively rough against his back. And not in a good way. He flipped his phone from his pocket. The light emitting from it was far weaker from before. A few choice words echoed in his head as he pressed a few buttons. Hunk of junk. Maybe Sollux was onto something when he said his phone was a fossil. He narrowed his eyes as he looked further on the screen. Battery was low. No signal was being received. 

He sighed. The phone returned to its rightful place.

"Well, fuck me then."

He went back to looking around. It didn't look much different from where he was before with Gamzee, aside from the ethereal darkness finally being replaced with something akin to natural light. In his rush to get somewhere, he got nowhere. 

How was that for fucking poetic?

He edged himself up further against the tree and did the only thing he felt he could do.

Walk.

And so he did.

Every few steps were agony with his headache, and with his constant checking of his phone for something resembling a signal. Trees and shadows began to blend together. Residual fear was replaced with curiosity and adrenaline. Like before. He had to keep going. 

No way he'd be found if he stayed where he was before.

_'Just a few feet farther. They've gotta be ahead.'_

That thought came and went every few seconds. Then every few minutes. Trees went past, leaves were scattered. Sticks were stepped on. Shit was cast out. 

Nothing in sight. 

Just trodden leaves.

More shadows.

Nothing.

Then.

Then those thoughts came up.

_'They're not ahead.'_

Karkat shook his head, releasing some tension from his headache. He felt his brow furrow into its normal position and his mouth take this form of his signature grimace. 

_'Like HELL! They have to be ahead!'_

He turned and kept walking.

_'They have to be.'_

And so he walked on.

It wasn't long before he flipped his phone out again. The battery was holding out, somehow, and the signal that he thought he found a moment ago had vanished.

Typical. Let the universe just fuck with him even more. He swore under his breath as he checked the time. Half past eleven. No way he'd be able to get to sleep anytime soon. Not like he wanted to anymore. He rolled his eyes as he reconfirmed his surroundings. More trees. Duh. Shadows. Fucking duh. Mosquitoes buzzing in the air.

Fucking A+ nature here. Enough to go ahead and get lost in its daytime splendor and eat some sort of picnic lunch under the pines and shit. 

A squish cut off his train of thought.

He took a step back and groaned. Mud and rocks were already squishing under his feet. And on the bottoms of his pants legs. He cursed himself and mother nature out lethally in his head. Now Kankri was sure to catch onto his ruse. Muddy cuffs to him were kryptonite.

Damned teen needed to get some new friends or get laid.

But that wasn't his problem right now. 

The problem he had was with where the hell he was now. He sniffed the air as he placed his phone pack in his pocket. There was water nearby, which made more fucking sense than anything else. He kicked himself mentally. Duh there was water - there was mud, for fuck's sake. Rule of thumb.

He took a few looks left and right. Nothing else seemed ahead, aside from more trees. He cursed the darkness in his head once more and kept walking.

He never saw the extra branch until it was too late.

Luckily, the mud he cursed before was kind enough to break his fall.

The blurred seconds became minutes. A few choice chills went through his spine as he regained his senses. A few squishes left deeper chills than necessary. He could hear the leaves and rocks splash and intermingle in water and mud under his weight. No pain yet. He let a hand hover over each of his knees, which were now caked with rocks and muck. The pain he felt when he skimmed his right knee was enough to make him jolt back. 

Right back into the mud.

Wonderful. 

Now he'd NEVER hear the end of it from that red-blooded ass!

The shakes came and went. His fist clenched and unclenched. His other hand was wrist deep in dark water, mud, regret and his ego. 

He had to fight it.

Fight it.

Fight it!

Fight it, damn it!

_'Big trolls don't cry, damn it . . . '_

Wait.

He felt his knee throb. 

A low breeze blew along the creekbed. It went right through the boy.

Who the hell was he trying to fool?

No one.

How the hell did he get stuck there?

Because he tripped.

His other hand braced himself before he started to rise back up. Needed to be done.

Why did the universe love to fuck with him? Did it just, for whatever reason, enjoy to toy with him and see him fall apart and break over and over again? Only to give him the chance to rebuild, then - surprise, surprise - it breaks him again? Was the universe some sadomasochistic jackwagon?

Bittersweet streams of dark red made their way down his face. No. No, the universe wasn't at fault here. 

It was his fault. 

He started to cringe as one leg came up. Pain shot through every nerve. He started to grip his elbow tight as he felt his mind scatter. 

He was the one who wandered off from Gamzee and the others. They never left him behind - he wandered off. Just . . . like that. Gamzee was talking about something really important, and he had ignored the troll completely. Like he always did. 

Like he would surely have done again.

Like . . . 

The sharp pain between his horns returned with a vengeance. Of fucking course. They resurged and continued to pound his head. This time, they sounded like laughter. Sinister laughter. 

He never listened to them. Never once had he taken the damn time to listen to any of them. He called himself their leader, their shining beacon of light. 

Some friend he was . . . 

It was _his_ fault.

He felt his headache grow worse. The streams grew bigger. Longer. 

 _This_ was his fault.

He felt his legs bend as he curled up. Every thought possible came and went with the streams and waves of pain. 

_Failure._

_Pathetic._

_Loser._

Name a word and it was there, true as day and bright red as his stupid, blood color, which was now pouring from his torn jeans. 

His forehead touched his knees. The burning sensation was being ignored and mentally cussed out. The pain was beginning to follow his heartbeat. His arms wrapped around his legs. Tight. 

He wanted to just sit there. 

Sit there and rot away.

Like he felt he was meant to.

Meant to.

That triggered a wider stream. 

He touched his horns gently before letting his hand return to its resting place. Why his mind went there, of all places . . . The lump in his throat grew bigger. He felt his body contract tighter as he pressed further on his horn.

_'Damn it . . . '_

He felt a sob escape.

_'Gamzee, I'm sorry . . . '_

If he hadn't taken that wrong way. 

If he had actually listened to Gamzee.

Another sob.

If he had actually tried to help Sollux in the first place.

Sollux.

His eyes shot open. 

Wait.

Sollux.

Why the hell was he thinking about him at this time?

Why the hell was he even cursing him at this time?

It was his own damn fault for getting into this creek bed in the middle of fucking nowhere!

Damned bee never did anything to him!

Did he?

_'If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be in this mess.'_

. . . What did it matter to him if Sollux was the root cause? He was his friend, after all.

He sobbed a sigh out before staring up over his knees. 

_'Because he IS the root cause. If I hadn't helped him out with his stupid quadrant troubles in the first place, I wouldn't be knee-deep in mud or caked in miseries!'_

Another bitter howl of wind reached his ears between the thunder of his now gushing blood pumper and the added laughter-filled throngs of his headache. The cold air washed over him.

_'Because of Sollux . . . '_

His brow furrowed.

This.

All of this.

_'He asked ME to come out here because he wanted my fucking advice!'_

It was.

He felt his face burn. 

ALL of this shit.

ALL.

OF.

IT.

ALL OF IT!

He reached for his phone. 

He pressed the button.

A bar.

A signal.

The sea was back at his feet again.

Ebbing.

The rage.

The hatred.

It was back.

_'He wanted my advice . . . '_

For Sollux.

"Then he'll fucking GET it!"

Sollux.

Fucking.

CAPTOR.


	32. it was moments like this that made him wish he were back home watching his movies.

It was moments like this that made him wish he were back home watching his movies. 

Nothing big. No trolls yelling at each other, no best bro nearly about to get killed because of their rages, no cousin pestering him about which friend was black for who. Just him, a bowl of Reddenbacher, some quiet, maybe some special spider, and the newest Nicholas Cage movie.

The last few moments were nothing but a blur. All that was happening now was . . . 

It was . . . 

. . . there weren't even any words John could use. 

There was nothing he could say to make this moment okay.

Seeing the pre-teen collectively lose his shit was somewhat funny at first, like watching a gamer rage. Minus the keyboard being thrown around. But after five minutes it got collectively worrying. And not the good kind. If there ever was. 

This was Gamzee, the guy who, out of a bunch of other humans and trolls John knew, was actually funny. The guy who had a sense of humor, and, somehow, managed to keep a conversation going without words. The guy who could juggle up to three bean bags and ride one of those stupid little unicycles and make Dave even mutter something about how cool it was to see him master something like that.

But this?

"Love of Gog this ain't what was gonna happen - "

He'd been pacing back and forth between the trees and a smaller bush that looked like a dog for the past ten minutes. 

"Motherfucker was RIGHT behind me, I sweah!" 

Dave stopped filming and was trying to calm the clown down. He kept biting his tongue when he saw the red dot blinking on his camera. Partially for respect, partially because he forgot the name he gave his camera. No way he wanted to bring that up yet. 

Sollux had escalated the panic spell earlier by looking between trees for something that wasn't there. Now he was leaning against another tree, checking his phone. Maybe coding something. Either or. He did go and use his psionics to make a sort of electric charge for his phone earlier, which looked about as fucking cool as he sounded, but all it did was charge his battery. Whatever he wanted to have happen never happened. He also cursed out loud about how his psionics made his head hurt when he used them in that sort of state.

Whatever the fuck that meant.

And Aradia . . . Aradia was mumbling to herself the entire time. And fiddling with some weird triangle thing on the ground. She looked paler than before whenever John would cast her in his flashlight. 

Like she was the one who was going crazy.

Then again, he was freaking out, too. 

When he first heard Gamzee freaking out about Karkat, he figured they'd find him in five minutes and have a good laugh about this. Like back in the third grade. But this time was really different. He tried to call the troll more than once, each time coming up as a failure to connect. He tried to text Vriska several times as well but failed to even receive a partial signal. He even ventured back and forth for what felt like ten acres looking for the troll. Nothing came up. Now he was just casting his flashlight on one person after the other. Much to their yelling.

His light was resting on Dave, who was now trying to move Gamzee aside from the pacing grotto he had worn out. The clown was more than protesting. 

" - dude, why not just sit down and - "

"NO way in hell, man! I have to think of somethin' - "

And off they continued. 

_'Man, I've never seen Gamzee act like this . . . '_

He scooted his flashlight back to Sollux, who just stared at John. _  
_

"You mind?"

"R - right, sorry!"

Back to Aradia it was. 

Big mistake.

"No, no, no no no," Aradia muttered. The light was bright enough to make out her fingers tracing her left horn. Her other hand was fiddling with something else. Her eyes were huge. She mumbled something else before she grew louder. " - knew this would happen - "

There was an odd silence. They all heard it . . . right? Was she serious? The others shivered as there was a weird snort, and growl. Disgust, disbelief. The sound a wild animal makes when it gets uber pissed off. Whatever the hell you wanted to call it, it was chilling.

The others shivered as there was a weird snort, and growl. Disgust, disbelief. The sound a wild animal makes when it gets uber pissed off. Whatever the hell you wanted to call it, it was chilling.

"You KNEW."

That tone was dark. 

That could not have been Gamzee.

Could - could it have?

John gulped as he stepped back near Dave. He had to narrow his eyes to even get a good picture of what the hell was going on. The clown was staring daggers at the explorer now. Yellow eyes and white paint were glowing brighter as they advanced towards her. 

The clown was staring daggers at the explorer now. Yellow eyes and white paint were glowing brighter as they advanced towards her. 

_'Is now the best time to panic?!'_

"You _KNEW_ this woulda happened t'Karkat?!"

"Yes!" 

"You knew about thith?"

John let his flashlight encompass her. Her head moved to the side. No response. Her hand was resting on her bag, the other one clinging tightly to it. Damn, she was resilient.

"BITCH."

That was not from Sollux.

_'Correction: NOW is the right time to panic!'_

"No!" 

Her face faltered with her voice. It was enough to stop Gamzee. She stood her ground, though. "I mean, no? I mean . . . " She shook her head and groaned. For a second, he thought he saw something flash on everyone's faces. Even Sollux's. Then, she just stood still, facing him head-on with a straight face. Or something that resembled a straight face. 

Why the hell was she even doing that? Was she trying to assert dominance or something? That worked on animals, not raging trolls! 

"It's complicated!"

Gamzee was back to stepping to her. And he did not look happy. 

"TELL ME DAMMIT!"

"Yo, clownie! Take five!"

Dave was already holding the juggalo back from what was a severely nasty battle. John assumed the same position and started pulling Gamzee's right side back while Dave took left. And somehow, the troll was still dragging them along the ground. His light fell in the process, now illuminating their feet. 

"Gamzee, chill the fuck out man!"

"Shut the HELL UP, Strider!" 

Damn he was loud!

"We can't jus' LEAVE him out there!" He tried to break free from Dave's iron grip. "We HAVE to find him!"

"We can't go back, either!" Aradia yelled.

"An' why the HELL not?!"

"We've already come so far!" she said, hand in her bag. The map or paper or whatever she had earlier was out and flinging in the wind. "We can't just throw this away - "

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' TRIP OR WHATEVER THE MOTHERFUCK THIS SHIT IS!"

"EARSHOT!" John yelled back. "AND LANGUAGE!"

Blue and red sparks moved in the dark as quick footsteps came from behind the troll girl. She gasped.

"Lay off her, Gthe!"

"Hey, I can fight my own battles!"

Not the best time!

"THEN OUTTA THE DAMNED WAY!"

"Damn it man come on!" Dave yelled back.

"You shut the HELL up!" Gamzee's breath was already beginning to pick up. He ripped his arms from the preteens and started after Sollux. Yeah, he was pissed. "You jus' wanted t'be out here with her! You're the one who wanted to bring Karkat along for the muthafuckin' ride!"

"Thut up, man, jutht calm down!"

More sparks began to fly from Sollux' eyes and lit the area in several shades of red and blue. Dave was already pulling Gamzee back, who was on the verge of doing something he may regret later. John gulped as he tried to help bring the pre-teen back to reality. He had already grabbed something from the forest floor, and the sound of it splintering was already starting to combine with the static. 

"We can find KK in a thec," he sighed. "And - and you're right, I - I thouldn't have brought him along if thith was thomething that would have happened."

He pulled his glasses off as Aradia's footsteps echoed beside him. She was already muttering something else, and was hunched. What the fuck kind of triangle was she tinkering with? And why with the paper? He looked back at the trolls and let the light shine again. Dave was moving faster now behind the two. Flashsteps. Gamzee was actually standing down. 

"Calm down, Gthe . . . I'm jutht ath worried ath you are."

A laugh.

". . . like hell."

Dave's steps stopped.

" . . . what?"

"LIKE HELL, I SAID!"

This was new. 

Gamzee had somehow grabbed something from the forest floor, and the sound of it splintering in his hand was already starting to combine with the now reborn static from Sollux' eyes. John let go immediately. This was not good, none of this was any good!

"You NEVER care about him, 'cept when ya need a good jab . . . ain't that right, man?"

". . . you don't - "

"I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M SAYIN'!"

More steps echoed by the boys. "Alright, both of you guys, just calm the FUCK down!" Aradia yelled.

Dave tried to get between them, but Gamzee pushed him back. Sollux was already letting his psionics do the talking. 

Shit was about to go down.

"Then THAY it."

Oh yeah, shit was about to go down!

"LIKE HELL YOU CARE ABOUT KAR!"

**_BLAM!_ **

The sound echoed, shutting them both up.

"DAMN it what the hell is _wrong_ with you guys?!" 

John stepped back, his foot adjusting his light on his best friend. His amazingly cool best friend.

That was . . . 

Gamzee's hand tilted towards his face. Dave kept his stance, hand on the clown's shoulder. Sollux's sparks died down a second time as Aradia came over. Whatever she was doing to him was enough to help him calm down. There weren't any words, really. Just some movement and steps, all illuminated with his eye sparks. John felt his stomach do a summersault. While he did want to see where that was going, he was more concerned with how Gamzee and Dave were going to handle this situation.

No way in hell he could get involved now.

"Try to talk to you guys and all you wanna do is bicker and fight like he's dead or some other shit!"

The way Gamzee tensed did not help. Dave noticed and grabbed his shirt, pulling him over.

"And shut up man, no way he's dead, not on my fucking watch. We all care, we all wanna find him, we need to get our shit wrapped up in a fucking bow to do so. Get it together, man!"

John's hand slip down his pants and grabbed his flashlight, illuminating the two boys. 

It was only then they noticed the streaks of indigo on Gamzee's face.

He moved the flashlight away as fast as possible.

The silence that followed was strong. 

Heavy.

Terrifying.

John gulped as he started to look between trees. 

It was moments like this that made him wish he was at home watching his movies . . . 

And after  . . . that?

No way they'd talk to each other after tha - 

_"Coming up to the_

_Over - load,_

_Over - load - "_

Wait, who's ringtone was that?

A button slid.

A breath.

_"ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU ANSWER YOUR GODDAMNED SQUARE PIECE OF TRASH!"_

"Karkat?" John asked.

_"SOLLUX FUCKING CAPTOR I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! ANSWER THE GODDAMNED PHONE!"_

"KK?"

"Kar-bro?"

If they could have had a good cry then and there, they would have. 

But no tears now!

"Holy shit dude, we can hear you!" Dave yelled.

_"YOU BETTER HEAR ME LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR! I HAVE A MIND TO TEAR EACH OF YOU A NEW ONE WHEN I SEE YOU ALL AGAIN! BUT FOR NOW, SOLLUX YOU ASSWHIPE ANSWER ME DAMN IT!"_

"Yeah, yeah, I can hear you!" Sollux hissed and kept the phone at arm's length. "Don't even have you on thpeaker!"

"Loud, isn't he?" Aradia said with a laugh.

John snickered. He couldn't help but. It was Karkat alright, even if the tone and volume were louder and shakier than normal. It didn't help that Sollux was holding the phone at arm's length and Karkat was still being heard. Gamzee ran to his phone and started yelling back into it.

"Motherfucker are you alright?!"

_"Gamzee? What the fuck man?! Why are you on the line?!"_

"Answer me, man! Are you alright or what?!"

Groan.

"Just answer him, dude," Dave said. He moved his head aside and muttered something about the clown being desperate. 

_"Does that even fucking MATTER?! Just let me talk to Sollux! I have a FUCK LOAD of things to say to that yellow and black tinted bastard!"_

"RIGHT here, KK, can hear EVERY word you're thaying!"

_"GOOD!"_

Gamzee swiped the phone from his hand.

"Jus' answer me, Karkat! Are you alright?! Are you hurt?!"

Sollux moved to swipe it back as Karkat replied.

_"I'm currently stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere, covered with mud and mental and physical scars, wondering WHY in Gog's name I agreed to this piece of shit 'ghost hunting adventure', but yeah, other than that, I'M FUCKING PEACHY KEEN!"_

"How the - "

Sollux managed to swipe it back. His own emotions were in check. For now.

"And why are you unloading this on me?"

_"YOU'RE the one who asked me to come along remember!? Or were you too busy counting sheep to even THINK of asking me about remembering why I was lagging behind you assholes?!"_

The phone was swiped back by Aradia, who held it like a walkie talkie. Not that it mattered to him.

"Can you make out any discernable landmarks?"

_"Why the hell are you asking me that?"_

"Just answer me, Karkat," she said. She was using her other hand to reach for her papers. Oh, there were more than one! That explained it! The triangle piece went right back into the bag with another piece of paper as Sollux took the phone from her. She dug deeper into her bag.

"What the hell happened to you, KK?"

John smirked as he heard Karkat reply.

_"WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO FUCKING KNOW?!"_


	33. Memos from the Desk of Kanaya

grimAuxilatrix [GA]  has begun pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]   
GA: Good Evening Rose   
TT: A pleasure to hear from you again, Kanaya. I take it you're well this evening?   
GA: Quite Well If We Are Frankly Speaking   
GA: Although I Have Become A Bit Parched As Of Late  
TT: For what, may I ask?   
GA: Information   
TT: Then if it so pleases you, allow me to quench this thirst.   
TT: Name your subject, and I shall dispense my knowledge for you from the fountain of my mind.   
GA: Why Thank You   
TT: The pleasure of doing so is all mine.   
GA: All Nuances Aside   
GA: I Do Need Some Information From You   
TT: My offer from before still remains. What would you like to know, Kanaya?   
GA: This Subject Is  
GA: For All Intents And Purposes   
GA: Domestic   
TT: Do explain in your usually eloquent manner. I shall be here taking note of every word.   
GA: I Have Been Receiving Pester Messages Over The Prior Two Days From Dave  
TT: Forgive me for being crude, but I was under the assumption that Dave didn't know your pestername. Furthermore, how does this pertain to our current conversation about my current domestic life?  
GA: The Matter That He Acquired It Through Secondhanded Means Still Drives Chills Through My Collective Being  
GA: And I Will Be Frank By Saying It Has Much Pertinance To Our Converation   
TT: So I see.   
TT: Continue.   
GA: To Begin With I Was Spending My Evening On My Usual Work When I Began To Receive A Few Messages  
TT: From Dave?   
GA: Yes   
GA: However I Was Unable To Properly Acknowledge Them   
TT: Why is that?   
GA: I Was Repairing A Split Seam On A Newly Designed Dress   
GA: And You Know I Cannot Operate My Sewing Machine While Pressing Keys On Any Sort Of Board   
TT: So I have seen before. Nor do I condemn you for ignoring Dave and his nonchalantly typed messages for five minutes.   
GA: That Is Specifically The Problem  
GA: Is There Some Sort Of Signal Error Within Your Domicile   
TT: Pardon me?  
GA: The Memorandums He Has Been Sending Me Have Been Coming In   
GA: Incomplete   
TT: Incomplete how?   
GA: Incomplete In That Extensive Portions Of His Usual Crimson Text Have Been Replaced With A Notice Of Signal Loss   
TT: Hmm . . .   
TT: Our signal is still up and perfectly active, Kanaya. You should not be having in trouble in communicating with Dave.   
GA: Then Perhaps You Could Find Him and Convince Him To Answer Through Your Computer If He Is Disconnected  
TT: Even if I could muster the courage to enter the lion's den known as my brother's room, set aside my frustration with his 'ironic' bedroom decor, and overcome how he drapes his unkempt garments in some of the most awkward places, currently doing so would only be a fool's errand. He departed quite a few hours ago with John.  
GA: Did You Happen To Overhear Where They Were Going   
TT: Not much of their conversation reached my ears.   
TT: I did, however, manage to catch a few glimpses of John carrying an all-too-familiar item on his back. One that I prayed he would never walk into public and display again, more for his sake than mine.   
GA: He Was Wearing The Vaccum Was He Not  
TT: He chooses to call it his 'precious proton pack'. All alliteration aside, I did find it odd for him to be sporting it on a Saturday night such as this.   
GA: Perhaps There Was An Occassion Involving Movies And He Was Merely Dressing The Part   
TT: Hmm . . .   
TT: Perhaps. That may explain why my brother was carrying his newly acquired video camera about as if it were a purse pet.   
TT: Yet as legitimate as that sounds, I fear that is the least correct answer, Kanaya. If attending a movie viewing was their intention, then John would have worn the predominant khaki ensemble of the Ghostbusters that you so dislike, and not just carry the vacuum - sorry, the 'proton pack' - around.   
TT: Try as he might, he is still a dedicated fan.   
GA: Indeed  
TT: Dave would have also tried to extent another futile invitation to me. This time, he was silent.   
GA: This Is Growing Far More Puzzling With The Second   
TT: On a tangential topic to this conversation, what is the exact nature of the pestering between you and my brother?   
GA: That Is a Matter Best Left Between Himself and Myself   
GA: Even If I Were To DIsclose The Subject Of Our Discussions I Doubt You Would Fully Believe Its Authenticity   
TT: I shall be the arbitrator of such.   
GA: It Involves   
GA: Auspisticeship  
TT: . . .   
TT: Well.   
TT: That . . . hmm . . .   
TT: That is . . .   
GA: Are You Alright Rose   
TT: I will admit, I was not expecting to hear that.   
TT: Dave is not one to willingly show his emotions, nor is he likely to ask for assistance with them.   
GA: He Did Try To   
GA: Rather Poorly   
GA: Pretend The Advice Was For The Friend Of A Friend   
TT: That, however, is more like him. Was it one of his more obvious charades, or was it buried beneath his usual sarcasm and tactful wordplay?  
GA: I Believe The Proper Expression Is   
GA: A Portion Of Column A And A Portion Of Column B   
TT: This is beginning to forge more questions than I had before.   
GA: The Feeling Is Mutual   
TT: . . . as much as I will despise myself for attempting it, I believe if I investigate my brother's computer, I will find some sort of answers to both our questions. If you would be kind and give me about fifteen minutes to embark on this venture.   
GA: Do Take Your Time   
tentacleTherapist [TT]  has become idle.   


  
arachnidsGrip [AG]  has begun pestering  grimAuxilatrix [GA]   
grimAuxilatrix [GA]  has banned  arachnidsGrip [AG] 

  
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has begun pestering  grimAuxilatrix [GA]   
GA: Eridan   
CA: kan   
CA: beforeya try an ban me, kan, hear me out   
CA: i come bearin the metaphorical olivve branch o friendship and peace, or howwevver that shit goes   
GA: Why Would I Ban You So Hastily   
CA: lets just say therevve been some reel assholes messin wwith me, if ya catch my drift . . .   
CA: remember howw i said i owwed you and rose a favvor?   
GA: Rather Vaguely   
CA: wwell consider it already said an done   
GA: Well This Is Quite Surprising Eridan  
GA: Such An Altruistic Endeavor   
CA: yeah i thought this wwouldvve been better than you or lalonde makin some outrageous glubbin demand that i'd nevver be able to meet  
CA: so consider this a gesture o a kindhearted fish wwho cares about his friends   
GA: Then Let Me Be The First To Say Thank You   
CA: wwelcome kan   
GA: And If I May Also Ask  
GA: What Precisely Did You Do For Rose And I   
CA: wwait til monday and i'll showw you both then   
CA: can't send photos through the chats   
GA: Alright Then   
GA: Shall I Inform Rose Of This Gesture   
CA: that'd be nice kan   
CA: she wwon't respond to me for some reason   
GA: Consider My Expression Aghast   
CA: hey! i can detect sarcasm unlike other guppies around me!  
CA: wwell wwhatevver   
CA: ill sea you both in class   
caligulasAquarium [CA]  has ceased pestering grimAuxilatrix [GA]   



	34. Memos from the Desk of Tavros 2

adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]   
turntechGodhead [TG]  is idle.   
AT: hEY,   
AT: uH, dAVE , , , ?   
AT: aRE, YOU THERE?   
AT: , , ,   
AT: n - nO ONE ELSE, iS, ANSWERING , , ,   
AT: sO , , ,   
AT: , , ,   
AT: iT WOULD , , ,   
AT: mAKE SENSE, tHAT , , ,   
AT: yOU'RE NOT , , ,   
AT: i JUST , , ,   
AT: h - hAD TO KNOW , , ,   
AT: wHAT DID, , , wHAT DID i DO WRONG?   
AT: wHY , , ,   
AT: iS NO ONE , , ,   
AT: , , ,   
AT: }:(   
turntechGodhead [TG]  is no longer idle.   
AT: dAVE?   
TG: Ah, so the computer is still on. Perfect.   
AT: iS THAT YOU?   
TG: And it seems someone else is currently trying to communicate as well. Opportune timing as usual.  
AT: a - aRE YOU, aLRIGHT, dAVE?   
TG: Quite the conundrum that I've found myself in right now.   
AT: yOU, uHH , , , dON'T USUALLY , , , tALK, lIKE THIS , , ,   
AT: nOR ARE YOU, uMM , , , tHIS, aRTICULATED,   
AT: s-sORRY, iF THAT WAS, rUDE , , ,   
TG: Hmm . . .   
AT: oKAY, , ,   
AT: iT'S JUST , , , uSUALLY, yOU'RE MORE , , , eNTHUSIASTIC?   
AT: aND LESS, wORDY,   
AT: nOT, nOT THAT THAT'S A , , , bAD THING! nO!   
AT: i LIKE,   
AT: yEAH, i LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE, tALKING A LOT,   
AT: bUT, rIGHT NOW?   
AT: n - nOT, nOT SO MUCH , , ,   
TG: So I am.   
TG: For the moment, let us say that I have been caught without the protective disguise of my persona. And as such, I am forced to operate without it for the time being. Such is how the fortunate turn unfortunate.  
TG: Now tell me, what is the purpose of your message this evening? I will be sure to make note of this and take appropriate action in the future.  
AT: wELL, l - lIKE i SAID, , ,   
AT: nO ONE IS, , , tALKING TO ME, sO , , ,   
TG: . . .   
TG: Has there been any sort of reason as to why? Have you done something ill-mannered to instigate this collective motley crew we call our friends?   
AT: nO!   
AT: aSIDE, uHH, fROM, , ,   
AT: sUGGESTING, sOLLUX, uHH, aCCEPT, tHE iDEA , , , hE COULD, , , fORGIVE eRIDAN, , ,   
TG: I can see how such an idea would compel them to act in such ways.   
AT: rEALLY?   
TG: Eridan Ampora is a person who illicits the worst from anyone.   
AT: wOW, , , hE'S, tHAT BAD, hUH?   
TG: His commitment to making others as miserable as possible is almost admirable, if not an exceedingly evident cry for help. His personality is about as colorful as the supposed royal blood that flows through his veins.  
AT: wAIT, wHAT?   
AT: nO - nO ONE CAN BE THAT MEAN,   
AT: i, i KNOW IT SOUNDS WRONG, bUT , , ,   
AT: , , , n - nO ONE IS THAT BAD , , ,   
TG: Your idealism knows no bounds.   
TG: It's almost charming.   
AT: uMM , , , tHANK YOU?   
TG: Remind me when we meet in our usual spots in our classrooms to give you a congratulatory handtouch and embrace for reminding me of the lighter side of life. I will be sure to pleasantly, and ironically, take you up on the offer.   
AT: }:x   
AT: i, uHH,   
TG: But that is enough small talk for now. Do you happen to have any clue as to why or where our other friends are this evening?  
AT: i THOUGHT, tHAT, uHH, yOU'D KNOW THAT, tOO , , ,   
AT: tHAT, uHH, tHAT'S WHY i WAS ASKING,   
TG: Such a cluttered browser . . . does he ever think twice before erasing it?   
AT: dAVE?   
TG: These cookies will surely slow his internet speed.   
AT: wHAT?   
TG: He has the speech setting on? Why do I even bother anymore with him?  
AT: dAVE?   
TG: . . . Forgive me, I should be going. We can resume this discussion later.   
AT: i, sUPPOSE SO?   
AT: bUT WHERE  
turntechGodhead [TG]  has logged off.   
AT: . . .   


adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   
adiosToreador [AT]  has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   


adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   
adiosToreador [AT]  has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   


adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   
adiosToreador [AT]  has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   


adiosToreador [AT]  has begun pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]   
AG: I GEEEEEEEET IT ALR8DY!   
AT: hUH?!   
AG: ST8P doing that!!!!!!!!   
AT: dO, uHH, dOING WHAT?   
AG: Look up and you'll KNOW what!   
AT: hUH?   
AT: oH! uHH, oH MAN! i'M SO SORRY!   
AT: i, uHH, i WAS TRYING TO PRESS ANOTHER KEY ON MY KEYBOARD!   
AT: i DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN,   
AG: How stupid can you 8e?!   
AT: i - i'M NOT STUPID, i JUST WASN'T LOOKING , , ,   
AG: Cleeeeeeeearly . . .   
AT: i - i'LL LEAVE YOU BE , , ,   
AG: TH8NK you. I'm trying to contact someone, so I have to keep my communic8ion channels op8n.   
AT: sAME HERE, i, gUESS,   
AG: In your c8se, it muuuuuuuust 8e an uncooperative moir8l.   
AT: wHA - nO!   
AT: i - iT'S NOT!   
AT: i WAS WAITING, fOR MY FRIENDS!   
AG: Is that so?   
AT: yES!   
AG: No need to be so defensive! I was joking!   
AT: , , ,   
AT: , , , i KNEW THAT,   
AG: Suuuuuuuure you did . . .   
AT: h - hOLD ON, uHH,   
AT: hOW DO i HAVE YOUR PESTERNAME? i - i MEAN, yOUR NAME, iT'S fAMILIAR, bUT   
AG: That's what I'm trying to figure out.   
AT: , , ,   
AT: wAIT, nOW i KNOW!   
AT: yOU'RE, fROM THE GAME!   
AT: yOU'RE, vRISKA!   
AG: What?   
AT: yEAH, kARKAT AND dAVE, sAY YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE,   
AT: iN THE GAME, tHAT - tHAT IS, , ,   
AG: Good or 8ad?   
AT: wOULD YOU, uHH, lIKE TO PLAY A GAME?   
AG: I reiter8, what?   
AT: i, uHH , , , jUST, nEED A dISTRACTION , , ,   
AG: . . .   
AG: . . . what the hell. I need to up my XP.  



	35. iit looked liike 2omething a crack head would take refuge iin iif he were de2perate enough.

Time of evening: about half-past eleven. Hard to tell when every little spec of light was being careened and blocked through leaves of everlasting darkness. It was like trodding in the dungeons of some intimidating early boss in an old RPG with subpar weapons and limited ammo.

That was actually a good analogy.

Write that one down for later.

Watch out ahead, branches. 

More quick footsteps echoed in the dark as Sollux let his thoughts ruminate further. 

. . . Actually, that analogy needed tweaking. Sure there was that encroaching sense of peril and doom, but who said they were really going to fight or prove anything in the woods in the middle of the fucking night? And on a weekend no less? This wasn't some 90's point and click, they weren't the fucking Goonies, and this was not some "tragic life or death matter" when you put it on a higher scope of detail. 

Less than fifteen minutes ago, the group deciphered the mangled yellings and static screams of their lost friend, and now here they were trying to navigate some of the deepest darkest parts of a supposedly cursed forest to try and find the said friend. Not the best situation to be in, considering who they were and where the fuck they were going. Just remove the friend part and it was just them trouncing in some part of the woods. Could have done this on a weeknight in some old school house and nothing would really change.

And his legs were starting to get those cramps behind the knees again. Right above the joints. 

So.

Mood: irascible.

Sollux sighed as his feet kept moving forward, mind moving at its own pace. His ears stayed open to the sounds of their guides, one obviously more sane at this point than the other. Nothing else weird about that. His eyes did scan the ground, watching out for branches and John's occasional gait, but mostly kept them forward. On her. And he kept his hand - and kept his hand firmly in - in - 

No.

No, don't think about that. 

Ignore that her hand is so fucking soft you'd want to compare it to silk. Don't think about how she can move really fast despite her vertical and horizontal measures. Don't think about how her fingers fit perfectly into yours. Don't - 

The near silent crack of his psiioniics brought him back. Along with the blue lightning streak that reflected from his glasses. He swallowed. Not now. Not now, gog damn it! Wrong emotions for the situation! Hopefully, no one saw that.

"Hey, Sollux, you doin' okay?"

Damn it, Strider. 

How the hell could he run this fast and still talk normally?!

Sollux turned his head a bit and nodded.

How the hell did he hold that camera up like that while _running_   - the wrong way, asshole!

"You sure? You look like you - "

"Eyes on the path, boys!" Aradia's response was both raspy and strong. "We need to make a left up ahead! If we go right, then we'll be wandering for another half hour!"

Gamzee's low-casted onomatopoeia came and went with a tone that chilled. Or, was that the wind.

Yep. It was the wind. Just saying it now. It was the wind. No second thoughts.

Wait.

They took the direction as commanded.

"Damn thith darkneth . . . "

John's measly flashlight was only stretching so far. 

At least it was guiding them further, and revealing more of the oblong tree trunks. How the hell they were growing out of the ground that way would require a lot of math and a very long conversation with Mother Nature. No time to wax poetic about the trees and the grass any longer. He had to keep his eyes forward. Eyes forward. On her.

On her.

On - 

Damn it, don't think about that now! 

Sollux double blinked and felt himself retreat into the safety of his mind. He had felt that something would happen this evening. That he was meant to come to the Carpacian Woods with her. That something, he wasn't sure what would happen on these paths and trails. He would be lying if he said he didn't think something involving a quadrant would happen. Maybe something that would involve a hand holding like this, only with less running and more gentle strolling, and then having pale moonlight just bathe them or something.

Not to sound like Karkat, but it would have been the picture of romantic.

But this?

This wasn't what he had in mind.

If fate had wanted to fuck with him as much as it did Karkat, then fuck everything else. In fact, maybe it would be better to see the bad shit that could happen to everyone ahead of time and tell them about it. Save some people some hard shit to go through. Sure they may not believe him at first, but at least then he'd be able to say he told them so. Or not. He wasn't much to gloat half the time. 

Speaking of quadrants, what the fuck was with Karkat yelling at hi - 

"Just up ahead!" 

Aradia's voice gained something sharp.

Sollux felt his feet shift on the ground like they were sinking almost. The musty, muddy ground. Karkat did scream something about a creekbed. Nearly dried up, sure, but it was about a creekbed. Sollux veered his gaze from the left to the right. The trees were beginning to bow to the preteens as they ran. Their steps were starting to have a disgusting  _SHWICK_ follow them. The sky was becoming more and more open to them. 

Yep, creek.

About fucking time.

"Stay steady, boys!"

A set of steps got faster. And grosser.

"Karbro!"

Green light tried to follow the juggalo.

"Gamzee, watth your thtep!"

"Karbro! Yah out there, motherfucker?!"

"Listen to us, clown!"

"Wai - wait! Can't - get - get the - " 

Beams of green started to randomly hit everything but the creekbed.

"Think you can fixth your butterfingerth, Egbert?"

"Trying - !"

 _Wheeze!_  

"To - !"

The steps ahead stopped as a familiar shriek echoed.

"NOT AGAIN!"

"Karkat?"

"Karbro, calm down!"

"KK!"

The green light hit the troll, who was covering his face with muddied sleeves. Darker streaks were on his pants, and one part of it was torn. His hair was already messed up. Probably caught it in branches. And the tone of his voice before was not good. Whatever it was, it was not good. 

"Karkat, it's us!" John moved the light down. "Hold - up . . . " And there he was moving to a resting position, hands on his knees. Dave pat his back, helping him cough. Wow his stamina _was_ fucked up.

Gamzee was the first to reach the troll and was already fiddling with his arms. His frantic movements blended in with the dark and the smaller troll became less visible. His speech had quieted down, and he was already muttering other things to the side. Aradia stopped running and skid in the muck. As if she realized her lungs were just as stressed as everyone else's, she began panting too. 

Sollux' ears flicked a bit as he caught wind of Gamzee's exhasperation.

" - the mother-fuck even _happened_ to yah, Karbro?! I was freakin' the fuck out back theah - "

Sollux sighed and looked down. 

His hand was still - still in -

A sudden tug brought him back.

He looked up.

" - had me worried fuckin' sick 'bout yah out here, Kar - "

A set of wide, golden eyes was looking back at him. Whether or not it looked surprised was all dependant on the lighting of the moment. 

They let go of one another.

"Sorry," she let slip.

"Thorry about that," Sollux muttered.

He adjusted his glasses, then blessed the cover of night. 

" -  _bleedin'_ man! What the motherfu - "

The juggalo stumbled backwards, making another odd splurting noise. The one from his mouth didn't count. It was hard to hear much of the two trolls now thanks to John's wheezes and Dave's otherwise pathetic attempts to intervene in the conversation. Or his attempts to diffuse whatever the fuck was happening.

What the fuck was _even_ happening? 

Sollux' ear pricked up again. The soft sobbing that came from Gamzee's shirt was enough of an indicator. As were Gamzee's arms moving around the troll and where his hand started to rub. Damn. He was really trying to hold it in, even after all of this. Some purrs came between the sobs as Gamzee whispered something to him. Pathetic. Cute, but pathetic. He sighed. He looked at his phone. It took them less than two minutes. 

Sollux felt his mouth curve up. 

"And damsel in distress found."

Dave Strider. Mood killer.

And she laughed at it.

Gog _damn_ it.

Dave readjusted the strap on his camera again before holding it up. The little red light started blinking again, and more squishing footsteps came from it as it moved. The moon started shining, revealing the red-tinted asshole moving in and trying to get some sort of cheap, half-dark panoramic shot of the two trolls up ahead. Not too far, not too close. Which was probably for the better. The protests seemed to be silenced by about four millimetres of cloth and several inches of muck and scum.

He stopped mid-move and fidgeted with the lens. Sollux felt his body tense up immediately. 

_'Wrong way, wrong way gog damn it!!' Do you even know how to WORK that thing?!_

"THIS IS IT!"

The preteens all turned their attention to the source of the exclamation.

Sollux looked where Aradia had been before. 

Damn she was fast. 

"What's up, Ara-sis?"

"Hold on, lemme get this on film."

"Wait, what's going on?" 

More swishing and squishing of feet followed.

"AA?"

With a squint, he found her immediately. Damn, he was almost blind out here. If this was how Terezi felt, then everything is damned.

He took a few steps east, past the pale display, and moved back behind the goat-horned troll. The paper she had been reading before was before her and was being passed between her nimble fingers. Her voice was reaching new heights this time, and her footsteps made fewer squishes and more splashes. Guess there was a trickle of water in this creek after all.

"This is definitely it!" The paper crinkled in the wind as she moved again. John's green gaze landed on the trunk of a rather large tree. That had rotted wood at the base. Near mushrooms. Wait, was that a foot? "I would never have imagined it to be where your friend was, but wow is this great! I'll take what I can get! Oh, are those oak!?"

"What the - ?"

Sollux' words were cut off as more of the moon crept from the clouds.

The green light was actually an improvement on the structure.

In fact, the darkness was an improvement.

Old planks were hammered into the tree's trunk. Each was decked with some sort of layer of vine or spiderweb that crept ever so slowly up. More hammered wood, sparse in some areas, lay above it. It didn't help that some steps were even missing. The decaying scrap heap of wood and wormfood formerly known as a treehouse was clinging to the vestiges of the larger four branches. Stepping a foot in that would mean death. Clearly.

The light reached another branch, where a rotted hemp rope was tied. 

Nope. Don't think about it. Nope.

Sollux blinked and moved up farther.

All in all, it looked like something a sopor head would take refuge in if he were desperate enough.

"This is it!"

"Th - thith . . . thith ith the plathe we were looking for."

The troll's wide eyes and grin were glowing in the moonlight. 

"Yes! Yes it is!"

John's light kept hitting following the outline of the broken down treehouse. Gamzee let a small "Honk" out. Karkat was, surprisingly, silent.

Sollux turned to Aradia. 

"Thith plathe ith thit."

"Damn straight," Dave muttered.


	36. TA: look2 liike you owe me 20 boonbuck2, 2triider.

turntechGodhead [TG]  has opened the memo  "scratching discs".   
twinArmageddons [TA]  has entered the memo "scratching discs".  
TA: 2ee, iit'2 2tuff liike thi2 that make2 me worry about your tech. thii2 ii2 why ii get nervou2 when you carry that viideo camera around liike a fuckiing pur2e pet.   
TG: yeah but thats where the beauty of this title comes in shit like this happens all the time to discs   
TG: no different to spin video game discs and spin records for sick beats   
TA: yeah, no. don't make me worry more than ii already do.   
TA: my 2tre22 can only go 2O far before iit maniife2t2 a2 my p2iioniic2. gog know2 how bad that'2 been goiing lately . . .   
TG: ever consider doing some yoga or drinking hot tea or whatever the hell people do to relieve stress   
TG: i dunno whats that tea rose is always drinking   
TG: archery healing i think   
TA: what the actual fuck . . .   
TA: why do ii talk 2 you agaiin?   
TG: cause im awesome  
TA: . . .   
TA: iit'2 a rough 50-50 ii thiink.   
TG: holy shit dude   
TA: what?   
TG: nm   
TG: . . .   
TA: . . .   
TG: . . . huh   
TG: weird   
TA: your 2ii2ter'2 cat iin your room agaiin?   
TG: no my doors closed to the pussy this time  
TA: not touchiing that one.   
TG: just   
TG: normally this is kitkats forte   
TG: answerin my memos first and then giving some weird anecdotal shit about how i should rethink the names of my memos or how one of us should go fuck themselves  
TG: and yet here you are doin it is it opposite day or something   
TA: ii don't 2ee you giiviing up rappiing, 2o nope.   
TG: nor do i see you giving up bein an asshole   
TA: heh, you get that one.   
TG: wonder where the fucker is   
TA: hmm . . .   
TG: yeah   
TA: . . .   
TG: . . .   
TA: 10 boonbuck2 2ay2 kk'2 complaiiniing two hii2 moiiraiil.   
TG: what hell no   
TG: oh thisll make your fucking day then i see your bet and double it man no fucking way   
TA: ii mean, ii wa2 jokiing, but 2ure.   
TA: ju2t mean2 ii get a boo2t 2 the new ediitiion comiing out next month.   
TG: fuck the hell no man i was saving that shit for a new record   
TG: you take that from me we are gonna have to throw down old school   
TA: what, liike breakdanciing or 2omethiing?   
TG: be breakin 2 electric boogaloo up in this shit   
TA: plea2e. don't.   
apocalypseArisen [AA]  has entered the memo "scratching discs".  
AA: d0n't d0 what?   
TA: do hii2 rap 2hiit.  
TG: still gonna do it   
TG: the bee invite you here   
TA: (ii 2tiill have that viiru2.)   
AA: n0.   
AA: someone linked it t0 me.   
TG: who would link   
TG: i think i see the dork in the sidebar   
adiosToreador  has entered the memo "scratching discs".  
AT: i, uHH, i DID,   
AT: aND, i'M, uM, nOT A DORK , , ,   
TA: we're all no prii2e2, tr. get u2ed two that fact real quiick.   
AA: are y0u als0 talking ab0ut me?   
TA: . . .   
TG: not touching that one   
TA: lemme rephra2e that. none of u2 that were here beefore are no prii2e2.   
TG: flip of a coin   
TA: (check your iinbox.)   
AA: i was just regailing tavr0s with 0ur recent adventure in the carpacian w00ds.   
AT: aND, uHH, , , cLEARING UP, o - oTHER THINGS , , ,   
AT: a, uHH, lOT OF, oTHER THINGS , , ,   
AA: like i said, tavr0s, we all need better c0mmunicati0n skills. y0u, me, and maybe a certain bee >_0   
TA: what are you   
AA: i sh0uld have just been h0nest with y0u when we were headed t0 the w00ds, tavr0s.   
AA: guess we all went 0n a bit 0f a runar0und 0n saturday.   
AT: sORT OFF, , , a - aGAIN, i, uHH, wOULD HAVE BEEN, oKAY WITH, bEING LEFT BEHIND, , , s - sOUNDED, sCARY, oUT THERE , , ,   
TA: 2ure you would have.   
TG: could have let us help explain what happened i mean comon   
TG: ive still got the footage we can go over it and laugh at us running around like chickens with our heads cut off later   
TG: need to see whether that night vision shit makes us look like were in blair witch or not  
TG: mean its cool either way but i gotta spot my darks if ya catch my drift  
AT: uHH, wHAT?   
AA: s0 that camera was 0n the wh0le time?   
TG: yo   
TA: watch iit all bee deleted by 2ome random unexplaiinable error.   
TG: im careful with my equipment man   
TA: 2ee above.   
AT: s - sO, uHH , , , dID, dID YOU GUYS FIND WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?   
TG: i think we all got lost and sort of freaked out along the way but yeah we found something sure it was rotted out and decayed like vriskas heart but yeah we found something  
AA: nice ch0ice 0f w0rds.   
TG: still   
TG: we all got outta there fine and dandy   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has entered the memo "scratching discs".  
CG: ARE YOU FORGETTING ABOUT HOW I WAS TRAPPED IN A FUCKING NIGHTMARE ZONE FOR SOME GIVEN LENGTH OF TIME?!   
CG: OR HOW I WOKE UP, *FUCKED UP*, IN A DRIED UP CREEK BED, NEAR THE WRECKAGE OF SOME GOGFORSAKEN CLUBHOUSE FOR THE COLLECTIVELY INSANE REJECTS OF SKAIA CITY TO WANDER INTO?! OR, MAYBE, HOW WE WANDERED AROUND WAITING FOR THE DEAD TO FUCKING   
CG: *DANCE*   
CG: WITH   
CG: US   
CG: FOR   
CG: *NO*   
CG: *FUCKING*  
CG: *REASON*?!  
TA: how can we forget?   
TA: you won't 2hut the fuck up about iit.   
TA: and you're fiine now, aren't you?   
CG: PHYSICALLY, YES. PSYCHOLOGICALLY, *NO*!   
TA: and here we go.   
TG: covering the ears for this one   
AA: i still want t0 hear ab0ut what y0u saw 0ut there.  
CG: HERE'S AN IDEA: WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY AND CHANGE THE FUCKING SUBJECT.   
TG: yeah hes fine folks   
TG: still where the hell were you man   
CG: YOU TOO?!   
TG: nah man usually youre the first one here  
TG: had to start the memo without you   
TA: a2 much a2 ii hate 2 2ay iit . . . dave ii2 riight. that ii2 odd.   
TA: what happened two you?  
CG: NOTHING HAPPENED. I DID NOTHING.   
CG: I JUST TALKED WITH SOMEONE. THEY TALKED TO ME.   
CG: IT WAS A CONVERSATION THAT HAS NO FUCKING MERIT OUTSIDE OF THOSE WHO WERE TALKING ABOUT IT.   
CG: END OF STORY.   
AA: hmm . . .   
TA: hmm . . .   
TG: hmm   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE 'HMMS' FOR?! ALL I DID WAS TALK TO SOMEONE! NOTHING FUCKING MORE, NOTHING FUCKING LESS!   
AT: uHH, kARKAT?   
CG: YOU ALL HAVE NO RIGHT TO QUESTION WHAT I DO IN MY FREE TIME, AND VICE VERSA! YOU DID IT BEFORE, AND HERE IS WHERE I PUT MY FUCKING FOOT DOWN! YOU DON'T SEE ME PRYING INTO YOUR INNER MOST PRIVATE LIVES BY CONTINUOUSLY ASKING WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID ABOUT TWO MINUTES AGO IN YOUR FUCKING BEDROOM!!   
CG: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BACK THE FUCK OFF BECAUSE *NOTHING* IS GOING ON AND *NOTHING* HAPPENED!!   
TG: damn man chill   
TG: can see the red from here   
TA: 2ame.   
CG: GOOD THEN . . .   
AT: i, uHH, , ,   
CG: WHAT?   
AT: i, wAS JUST, g - gONNA ASK, iF YOU WERE DOING OKAY,   
CG: . . .   
AT: aRADIA, uM, uHH, t - tOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED, oN SATURDAY , , ,   
CG: . . .   
TG: tattletale   
CG: . . . I CAN READ, STRIDER.   
CG: AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION TAVROS, READ ABOVE. I DON'T LIKE REPEATING MYSELF.  
CG: SO, IF WE COULD GET BACK TO IT THEN?   
TG: alright i think ive seen enough here to know that something is buried within the fucking woodworks man   
TG: what the fuck is going on with you tonight   
CG: NOTHING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.   
AT: dAVE, i - iF, i, uHH , , ,   
AA: (sh0uld we st0p this?)   
TA: (not unle22 you want two.)   
terminallyCapricious [TC]  has entered the memo  "scratching discs".   
TC: nEeD tO kNoW aBoUt WhAt, MoThErFuCkEr?   
TG: why kitkats more skippy than my records rn   
CG: BECAUSE I'M NOT, AND HE HAS NOTHING TO INPUT ON THIS, WHICH MEANS WE CAN DROP TALKING ABOUT THIS AND MOVE ONTO SOME OTHER DUMB LITTLE TOPIC.   
TC: AhH mAn, ThEy'Re JuSt Up An' WoRrIeD 'bOuT yAh, KaRbRo. :0)   
TG: see the clown gets it   
TG: somehow   
TC: 'S jUsT lIkE wE jAmMeD aBoUt, My PaLe-BrO. jUsT lEt ThE eMoTiOn StReAm KeEp FlOwInG.   
TG: what   
TA: no fuckiing WAY.   
CG: GAMZEE!!   
AT: }:O   
TC: wHoOpS.   
TG: did he say   
CG: SHUT UP.   
AA: n0w my curi0city has been piqued further . . .   
CG: SHUT. UP.   
TC: aH mAn, KaRbRo, No NeEd To Be MoThErFuCkIn' ShY 'bOuT tHiS!   
CG: (GAMZEE, SHUT UP!)   
TG: i know you guys cant see it right now but my eyebrows are jumping to the highest fucking heavens and back   
CG: OH GOG JUST KILL ME NOW . . .   
TC: (hEh, gUeSs YoU mEaNt It WhEn YaH sAiD yOu'D aCt LiKe ThIs. SoRrY, kArBrO!)   
CG: (SHUT UP YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!)   
AT: h - hEHEHE, , ,   
CG: (JUST SHUT UP!)   
TA: look2 liike you owe me 20 boonbuck2, 2triider.   
TG: yeah bout that   
TG: you accept rainchecks   
AA: 0_0   
AT: sO, yOU TWO, aRE   
TC: lIkE tHe PuReSt DiAmOnDs ReFlEcTeD i' ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN' sUnRiSe!   
TC: :0)   
TC: ;0)   
TC: :0)   
CG: (SHUTUGAMZEE)   
TG: thats fuckin cute   
TA: 2o waiit, kk got a moiiraiil beefore ii diid?   
TG: getting all kinds of fucking emotional up in here   
TG: think i may even tweet this shit all night   
CG: (SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP)   
TC: AwWw, CaLm DoWn, KaRbRo, ThEy'Re JuSt AlL eXcItEd To HeAr ThIs!   
AT: w - wHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?   
TG: prob sometime between kitkat being spirited away us freaking the fuck out and finding billy the kids shed from silence of the lambs think i got some sick footage of them paling it in the moonlight too   
AA: (0_0)   
TA: what the   
AT: uHHH , , ,   
TC: It FeLt LiKe SoMeThInG cLiCkEd On In Me OuT tHeRe WhEn I fOuNd HiM oUt ThErE. uP aNd ScArEd ThE lIvInG sHiT oUtTa Me WhEn KaRbRo VaNiShEd. ThOuGhT i'D nEvEr SeE tHe MoThErFuCkEr AgAiN . . .   
CG: (SHUTUPGAMZEEPLEASE)   
TC: sO i HeAr HiS rIgHtEoUs RaNcOr OvEr SoL-bRo'S pHoNe, AnD i GeT aLl KiNdS oF tHoUgHtS. lIkE, 'iS hE oKaY?', oR, 'wHaT iF sOmE mOtHeRfUcKiNg DeMoN oR bEaStIe GoT hOlD o'HiM? fReAkEd Me OuT hArDeR!   
TC: fInAlLy FoUnD hIm . . . AnD jUsT lEt It AlL fLoW oUt.  
TC: I cOuLdN't BeAr T'sEe ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR aLl Up AnD gEt HuRt AgAiN, y'KnOw? :0)   
CG: . . .   
TA: ii can barely breath riight now!   
AT: i, oH, uMM, , ,   
TC: TaVbRo?   
CG: (OHMYGODWHAT)   
AT: i, uHH, tHINK , , ,   
TC: :0?   
AT: tHIS IS, rEALLY SWEET,   
CG: ( . . . THANK YOU BUT PLEASE SHUT UP.)   
AT: }:)   
TG: yeah   
TG: so   
TG: this means the crab and the clown can get down   
TC: tHaT . . .   
TC: tHaT aIn'T qUiTe RiGhT . . .   
AA: 0_0   
TA: aa whatever you do, not read iintwo dave'2 b2.   
TA: PLEA2E.   
CG: DON'T.   
AA: still an interesting way t0 put m0irailleigance . . .   
AT: wHAT, eXACTLY, dOES THAT MEAN? tO, "gET DOWN", i MEAN, , ,   
AT: iSN'T IT, uHH, sOME DANCE MOVE?  
AA: tavr0s   
TA: nope.   
CG: I AM NOT ANSWERING THIS QUESTION.   



	37. Memos from the Desk of Gamzee

terminallyCapricious [TC] has begun pestering  calmTrepidations [CT]   
calmTrepidations [CT]  is idle.   
TC: fOr AnY mIrThFu   
TC: AnSwEr, DaMn YoU!   
TC: i KnOw YoU cAn ReAd ThIs OuT, bRo!   
TC: I cOuLd FeEl YaH rIgHt ThErE oUtSiDe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN' dOoR!   
TC: aNd NoT uP aNd AnSwErInG mE's OnLy PiSsIn' Me OfF mOrE!   
TC: i DoN't KnOw WhAt ThE eVeRlOvIn' FuCk PoSsEsSeD yOu To LeAn In WhEn I wAs ChAtTiN' wItH kAr-BrO, bUt I dO kNoW i AiN't GoNnA mOtHeRfUcKiN' gOnNa StAnD fOr It! ThAt WaS pRiVaTe AnD yOu KnOw It!   
TC: MiRtHfUl MeSsIaH kNoWs I dOn'T sPy On YoU aN' mEuLiN wHeN sHe'S hErE fOr MoThErFuCk'S sAkE!   
TC: wHaTcHa GoT tO sAy To ThAt?!   
TC: . . .   
calmTrepidations [CT]  is no longer idle.   
TC: WeLl MaN?!   
CT: :0)   
CT: < :0)   
CT: :0(   
TC: wHa   
TC: No I aM nOt OvErReAcTiN'! aN' yOuR oN mE aLl ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg TiMe 'BoUt 'PrIvAcY' aN' bOuT 'cHuCkLe-VoOdOo ReSpOnSiBiLiTy' WiTh FrIeNdS aN' sHiT! tHe FuCk If YoU cAn HaVe It BuT i CaN't!   
CT: :0D  
CT: :0X   
TC: Oh LiKe HeLl I aIn'T wOrRiEd 'BoUt YoUr GoSsIpIn' HoNkY! cOuLd WrAp YoUr NeAr SilEnT aSs In SoMe SoRt Of MoThErFuCkIn' StRaIgHtJaCkEt An' No BoDy WoUlD sTiLl BeLiEvE yOu.   
CT: :0(   
TC: StRaIgHt Up TrUtHsPiTtInG.   
CT: ;0X   
TC: fO sHo.   
CT: ;:0)   
TC: WhAt NoW?   
CT: [;0)   
CT: [ ;0)   
CT: [;0)   
CT: [ ;0)   
CT: [;0)   
TC: nO.   
TC: nO bRo.   
TC: YoU cOuLd NoT bE mOrE mOtHeRfUcKiNg WrOnG.   
CT: :0?   
TC: 'cUz I'm In ThIs QuAd WiTh KaR-bRo. Y'kNoW? tHe OnE wHo   
CT: :0D   
CT: [ ):B<]   
CT: [ <80D] [DXB<]   
CT: [>X0D]  
CT: :0D   
TC: HeH hEh, YeAh, ThAt'S hIm. He StIlL tAlKs AbOuT tHaT hAlLoWeEn ShIt, ToO.   
CT: [ <3 ]   
CT: :0?  
TC: wHaT?!   
TC: nO, nO, nO! oH mAn, GiViN' mE a ReAl BlOoDgUsHeR oVeR hErE!   
TC: iT's PaLe, AiGhT?   
CT: :0T   
CT: ;:0T  
CT: [=939=]   
CT: [ <3 ] = [ X3 ]   
CT: [ <> ] = [ =/\x3x/\= ]   
TC: sOrRy To CrAsH hEr ShIp. BuT tHaT aIn'T hApPeNiNg.   
CT: >X0(   
CT: >:0(   
CT: [ <3 ] X [ ):B<]   
CT: [ <> ] = [ ):B<]   
CT: [=-3-=]   
CT: [=-3-=] -> [ <3 ] [ <> ]   
TC: ThAt OrDeR, hUh? WeLl I   
CT: [ <3 ] -> [ X ]   
CT: ;:0>   
CT: [ <3 ] -> [ }:) ]   
TC: wAiT, i NeVeR   
CT: :0>   
TC: dO nOt Be CoY aBoUt ThIs MoThErFuCkEr! Ah NeVaH *eVaH* tAlKeD 'bOuT   
CT: [>^0^]> <3 [?]   
CT: [>^0^]> <3 [ }:) ]   
TC: wHeN tHe FuCk DiD   
CT: [>0>]   
CT: [<0<]   
CT: [<@>0<@>]   
TC: . . .   
TC: . . .   
CT: ;03   
TC: . . .   
TC: you   
TC: MOTHERFU   
calmTrepidations [CT]  has banned  terminallyCapricious [TC]   


turntechGodhead [TG]  has begun pestering  terminallyCapricious [TC]   
TG: hey man   
TG: had to ditch john in a field against some ogre soldiers for this one so ill make it quick   
TG: just wanted to give ya mad props on getting kitkat in your pink chiclet   
TG: never figured this would actually be a thing but damn if it wasnt damned if it happened and here it is   
TG: and now i owe sollux 20 boonbucks   
TG: but for real tho   
TG: major congrats on that quad man   
TG: speakin of quads i gotta help my bro out   
TG: later   
turntechGodhead [TG]  has ceased pestering  terminallyCapricious [TC]   


ectoBiologist [EB]  has begun pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]   
EB: hey gamzee!   
EB: didn't know how else to reach you, since karkat wouldn't give me your number and i don't know your email or anything.  
EB: funny story! i tried to ask karkat for it, but he just told me to 'go shove my head in the toilet until my flushed ego would get drained into the fucking beyond'!   
EB: he's aaaaaaaalwaaaaaaaays gotta troll me!   
EB: and it always turns into the funniest shit!   
EB: oh, almost forgot why i was pestering you!   
EB: i'm gathering signatures for the new club petition i'm doing. the teachers won't let me establish it until i get a certain amount, and so far i have . . . ten? so think you can sign the paper once monday rolls around?   
EB: i'll come by your homeroom with the petition!   
EB: i so wanna see this club come to life! it'll be awesome if it did! and it would really help the school, i just know it!   
EB: see you later then!   
ectoBiologist [EB]  has ceased pestering  terminallyCapricious [TC]   


rarelyHedonistic [RH] has begun pestering  terminallyCapricious [TC]   
TC: wOrSt PoSsIbLe MoThErFuCkInG   
TC: lOoK, i'D lOvE tO gO a RoUnD bUt RiGhT nOw I'm StIlL fUmIn' 'BoUt My BrO, sO yOu CaN tAkE wHaTeVeR yOu'Ve GoT tO sAy AnD sHoVe It.   
RH: 44444hhhhh . . .   
RH: He doesn't know wh4t he is s4ying or doing!   
RH: Yet, it IS NESSES4RY!   
RH: B4H!   
RH: 4re you NOT a m4n?!   
RH: . . . N4y . . .   
RH: . . . you're just P4gliacci.   
TC: . . .   
TC: Ah ToLd YaH nOt To CaLl Me ThAt AnYmOrE.   
RH: L4UGH!   
RH: OH, L4UGH P4gliacci!   
RH: L4ugh 4nd the world sh4ll L4UGH with you!   
RH: For everything is 4s it 4lw4ys h4s been to you . . .   
RH: 4 COLLOSS4L FUCKING JOKE.   
TC: i Am TrYiNg To Be NiCe . . .   
RH: So 4m I.   
RH: 4nd I'm f4iling.   
RH: 4nd I 4m sorry.   
RH: It's just th4t I h4d this WILD IDE4 in my he4d for so long th4t m4ybe the s4d clown I met 4t c4mp h4d cheered up enough to where I could t4lk with him one on one.   
RH: Inste4d, I get some p4thetic jugg4lo W4NN4-BE who's too busy boo-hooing in the corner 4bout his supposed 4sshole bozo brother to even 4DDRESS ME PROPERLY.   
TC: . . .   
RH: You gonn4 stop crying 4nd st4rt greeting, P4gliacci, or do I need to bring your d4d into this, too?   
TC: . . .   
TC: . . . ThE mOtHeRfUcK dO yOu WaNt?   
RH: Yeowch th4t venom stings! Just went RIGHT in there 4nd s4nk your f4ngs IN!  
RH: . . . D4mn.   
TC: ThE fUcK.   
TC: dO yOu WaNt.   
RH: C4n't I just s4y hi every now 4nd 4g4in?   
RH: Oh, w4it, right, I c4n't!   
RH: BEC4USE YOU 4LW4YS B4N ME.   
RH: but this time   
RH: OH THIS MOTHERFUCKING TIME!   
RH: This time you 4re t4lking to me for more th4n ten seconds before you hit the b4n button!   
TC: StArTiNg To Go FoR iT.   
RH: If this is the life you love to le4d now, then COLOR me IMPRESSED!   
TC: hAnD oN tHe MoUsE.   
RH: I think I thought I s4w you try to t4lk to someone the other d4y . . .   
TC: fInGeR oN tHe TrIgGeR.   
RH: Of course, I w4s in the corner by the lockers trying to keep up with you . . .   
TC: rEaDy To ClIcK.  
RH: 44444wwwww, you don't w4nn4 pl4y with me 4nymore, P4gliacci?   
TC: nEvEr WaNtEd To.   
RH: . . .   
RH: So, THIS is how you're gonn4 be, huh?   
RH: 4lmost 4n ENTIRE SUMMER goes by, 4nd you h4ve NOTHING to s4y to me?   
RH: NOTHING 4T 4LL?   
TC: NeVeR dId.   
RH: . . .   
RH: . . . F4ir enough.   
RH: You'll come 4round, P4gliacci.   
RH: I've just got one request, though.   
RH: You 4t le4st owe me TH4T much, given you're 4bout to unceremoniously B4N ME for wh4t I've counted is the fifteenth time.   
TC: . . .   
TC: WhAt?   
RH: Oh, it's something I know you c4n do without f4il.   
TC: BeInG?   
RH: Why don't you show me 4 little bit of that spine you've been s4ving for his m4ttress?   
TC: . . .   
TC: stay   
TC: the motherfuck   
TC: OUTTA MY LIFE!   
terminallyCapricious [TC]  has banned  rarelyHedonistic [RH]   


**Author's Note:**

> Andrew Hussie owns Homestuck, I just do this for fun!


End file.
